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Alcoholism, divorce, & Christianity

I have a younger brother who has been married since he was 23 and his wife was 25.  He is now 46.  

He was a wild child growing up and got into alcohol at the young age of 15.  He partied a lot but when he met his wife at a party, his life seemed to change for the better.  They got along beautifully and she got him involved with her church which is a Born-Again church. He seemed to settle down, grow some good values, read the bible daily.  He and his wife had the perfect marriage.  They married and had a child, who is now 16.

He works as a hair stylist and has a pretty good business, even with the current economy.  Still,  like most people nowadays, they have had to cut back on vacations and other expenses.  His wife works just a few days a week but my brother works as much as he can.  My brother is the one who carries most of the load.  His wife believes that his daughter should have lots of friends and will often have 4 or more girls spending the night.  On those nights, my brother is told to leave the house so that the "girls" can sleep in their big bed.

Over the past year, his drinking has increased. I have watched his wife distance herself from him.  I'm assuming it's because she doesn't know what to do or maybe is tired of everything.

He has been told by his wife to leave so he is now living with my aging parents in their guest room.  To his credit, he is still paying for the mortgage and other expenses.  He has said he will always support his daughter no matter what.

I have tried talking to him, explaining that his entire family is too important to lose and that he needs to do whatever he can to keep his family together.  He agrees but I get the feeling that he is just giving up - he is tired of trying to maintain a lifestyle for his wife and daughter and they never seem to appreciate the sacrifices that he does on a daily basis.

The rest of our immediate family is saddened by the whole situation.  We don't know what to do to help.  His wife and kid never come to see us or call us.  His daughter even "unfriended" me on FB but not my sisters family.  I guess I must have ticked her off even though I have never said anything to her or her mother about this situation.  I rarely talk to them anyway for fear of saying something offensive.

Is there way I could help this situation?  I have stayed out of it except to talk to my brother once in a while.  

I am quite dissolutioned by people saying they are "Chrisitans" yet don't practive forgiveness, family importance, or acceptance.  I never thought my sister-in-law would act this way but she seems to be wanting to give up and be single.
5 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you've already received good advice and support here.  I just wanted to add that what your family as a whole should be saying to him is to help himself and to attend AA. Maybe pick up some material for him from a local meeting spot, go on line and search where the meetings are and what time and have them for him, offer to go with him if he needs that.  I would not have any person in the family ever drink with him, not provide him any alcohol at a family function, and if possible, not drink alcohol around him.  If he is religious, go ahead and talk to his minister about the problem and have him approach your brother and offer some support and guidance to do what is necessary to start a recovery process.  Maybe there is someone in the church that can be a mentor or sponsor for him.  

I would also ask him to go to his family doctor and discuss depression and medication for that. He needs to address his underlying issues.  Depression and alcoholism often go hand in hand . . . and sometimes doing something to stop the cycle can seem overwhelming.  When the depression is treated, it gets a little less intimidating to handle it all.

And I think you could call your sister in law and tell her that you support and respect her.  That you consider her family and want the best for her and your brother.

Her decision to not live him while he is actively drinking is appropriate.  And I'm guessing if he was asked to leave during his teen age daugher's sleep over . . . it was because he has embarressed her with his drinking in the past.  Be supportive of what they've been through.

I'll add my prayers to those already praying that he finds treatment and starts the road to recovery.  good luck
Helpful - 0
184674 tn?1360860493
It seems that right now, your brother is using his Christianity as a crutch or an excuse to not face the reality of his addiction. Reading the Bible and praying for guidance and healing are a wonderful part of the recovery process if they're not used as the only actions. It sounds like right now, he's expecting God to be like a genie in a lamp and to someday grant him his wish to be clean, with no strings attached. He's not seeking AA meetings because he is not ready to quit drinking, and he excuses himself by acknowledging his problem but making it look like he cares to quit by using the faith card.

Since he seems to hold so strongly to his faith, he needs to be convinced that God doesn't want us to suffer alone. He provides help through others; your brother can't expect a miracle if he's not willing to quit drinking because he's waiting on a magic wish to come true to heal his addiction. It doesn't work like that.
God intends for his followers to congregate with one another, and not sit alone all the time keeping to themselves. He wants for us to be the brothers and sisters in Christ that we're meant to be, to be there for each other and show each other the compassion and love the way he does for us. We are made in God's image, and he wants us to act in his image the best we can as well.
Your brother can't expect to help himself face his own addiction and beat it. Changing himself is up to him, but he can't exactly get very far in helping himself if he is only relying on God to be a wish granter. I'm sure part of it is a pride issue for him; admitting you need the help of others for messing up your own life is a very humbling ordeal. But one's faith can't grow unless you experience trials that humble you.
I will pray that he will realize this soon and seek the treatment he needs.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for both your responses.  I appreciate your input.

AHJ - you made a lot of sense especially about bringing your friends home when your step dad was drunk.  I've hear similar complaints from my niece.  What I don't understand is why won't my brother got to AA?  There are plenty of meetings around.  He says that all he needs to do is read his bible and pray and that will heal him.

When I suggested marriage counciling (with a Christian counselor) he just said that he know he is the one who needs to change and so it's up to him.  Actually I think it's the expense of a councelor since he doesn't have any extra money.

I am trying to stay out of it yet a part of me wonders if there is anything I should be/could be doing to help.  Do either of your think I should be doing anything?  

I see my brother as a person who is hurting and feels like a failure and I just want to tell him that he's a good person who is just choosing alcohol to numb his feelings.  He knows he has to quit but now  his body is addicted to this drug.  He's going to need support from something like AA in order to overcome his desire to drink.  If I could just get him to realize that, that would be a big step.  

You are both right in that there are issues much deeper that I don't see and they don't want me to see.  A family can look so good from the outside but behind closed doors, it's a different story.  

Being around a depressed, drunk person must be awful.  I really do like my sister-in-law, I know she has tried to help my brother.  She's a good person and has a big heart.  I wish someone could get through to my brother.  Please pray for him that he gets treatment.  He really needs it.  His family really needs it.

Thanks for your comments.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
No, pray is about all you can do. Christians are people too and experience the same trials and tribulations as anyone else. If they choose to turn their head away from God, then he will reckon with em. I recently had a situation in my family where my daughter left a seemingly wonderful man with  whom she had 3 beautiful children. I was so upset with her. Then as time went on I began to see that I did not have the real picture of what went on in their marriage. Things are only what we percieve them to be based on the knowledge that we think we have of a given person or situation. I have learned the hard way that we never know what goes on behind closed doors and it is best to steer clear of any involvement. Or make judgements either. I am now living with the consequences of those judgements. Dont make the same mistake I did, stay clear of it.
Helpful - 0
184674 tn?1360860493
This is a difficult situation to get involved in, and there most likely isn't much you can do because they are not your immediate family or part of your everyday life. The most you can do is be there to support your brother and encourage him to seek treatment for his alcoholism.
As for your sister in law and niece, unless you know the full extent of the dynamics of the family relationship between them and your brother, it's unfair to pass judgement on them because they call themselves Christians or because you don't have much contact with them, even if you don't understand why. We are all human, prone to mistakes and shortcomings, whether a person calls themself a Christian or not. No one is perfect and not a single person is going to get through life pleasing everybody.
That said, I see where you are coming from when you say you're confused because Christians are supposed to practice forgiveness, family bonding, and acceptance, however, as a Christian myself *and* a former child of a broken home due to alcoholism, there are some things that go unsaid to extended family about the dynamics of home life when an alcoholic is involved. My ex-stepfather is an alcoholic, and for years, I didn't tell so much of what I was feeling, what I was going through because of him--what he doesn't remember to this day because he's inhibited his memory too much. People honestly thought we were a fairly content family, even most of the extended family, until everything ended up coming to a head and basically, our family crumbled in a heap within a few days. That was nearly nine years ago. Since then, my ex-step dad is no longer a part of my life; he maintains almost no contact with me as he basically disowned me after the divorce, even though during their eight year marriage, he basically adopted me. It was a very painful reality to face. But like I said, he remembers very little of it now, and he still drinks.
He and my mom had a daughter together, and he is a wonderful dad to her, even now. He calls her at least twice a week, sends her stuff all the time, and visits with her one or two times a year (he lives in a state halfway across the country now). He sends his child support on time and he pays for extra school or medical costs or whatever if my mom asks him.
The point I'm trying to make is that, when substance abuse is involved and you are instictively feeling defensive of your brother, you need to take a step back and see it from a possibly different perspective. We were all church-going Christians, too. Yet I dreaded bringing friends over as a teen, and we rarely invited guests over, because my stepdad was quite honestly an embarassment. He would drink all the time and he'd act ridiculous, and he was mean to me and he'd purposely embarass me in front of my friends, although he never saw it that way because he was too drunk, and even now, he'd never know he was ever in the wrong. That is what alcohol abuse does when it goes without help. The addict is always self-defensive and manipulative to attempt to have sympathy. It's a harsh reality.
My best guess as to why the sister in law and niece are not on speaking terms with you or anyone else in the family is because they are hurting and they are fearful that you'll be defensive of him and label them the insensitive bad guys. Believe me, I've been there, and it DOES happen. My ex-stepdad's entire family and group of friends were absolutely convinced that I broke up their marriage and that my mom was a controlling, cold-hearted, domineering you-know-what, because that's how he manipulated their thinking. NONE of them came to my mom or me to seek our side of the story because they believe him right off the bat--he was their son, their brother, their friend.
My mom tried for at least five years to make their marriage work. She tried to hold it together for their daughter, to tolerate the drinking, and to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was a good-hearted man when he was sober. But it doesn't work that way; he never sought help and didn't want to give up the drinking.
So all I'm saying is to recognize that your brother's family situation probably goes so much deeper than you ever could imagine. You simply cannot base your assumptions and judgement bases solely on what you see him going through, or how his wife and daughter are reacting.
This is likely a situation that only he and them can resolve through lots of family counceling and him seeking help for his addiction. If he has indeed given up, then he will lose them...and you can't lay blame entirely with them.
Helpful - 0
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