Am I Being Mentally Abused ?

[sb21122]

After moving to my husbands hometown where his family resides and I or my children with no family here my husband has told me about 3 weeks after being here he was using drugs. From the first night we came here he left me at a hospital with a broken foot for me to find my own ride . He never showed up until 3 days later. Hes still continuing to not come home staying out overnights.Says he is at the park or he at his moms house.His 43 yr. old sister lives there with her childen as well. He is blaming me and my children for him not coming home. He says its stress. When I speak to his mother whom I always got along with she tells me he says negative things about me. I don't know what I have done wrong. He refuses to talk about this and thinks I am wrong for asking where he was when he don't come home. The arguing is so terrible and I feel so neglected as do my children. We feel like he don't love us. He seems to do as he wants and not care to even call to let me know where he is at. One time even his own mother put a missing persons report on him. I don't know what to do and can't even seem to get him to go to counseling. After being with him for nearly 9 yrs. he never did this or treated me like Im ugly until we moved to where his family is at. What can I do? I have lost 57 pounds since I have been here because of the stress and feeling so unloved. I hope you can help me.
Thank you

[PS73]

today i was asked by my husband about his clothes and for no apparent reason he started screaming at me i snapped i talked back and threw his cereal bowl out of his hand he pushed me called me parasite as i am not working ,lost my job recentally ,he said iam eating his food and getting fat  any other women in my place would find a job
after such scolding but because i have no dignity i am taking his abuse .he also said my father send me naked to his house as in indian society a girl is supposed to bring money to marry an NRI my father just gave me clothes and some jewellary ,   paid for the wedding ceramony but was not able to give him any money in cash which they might have expected.that's why he says that i am a educated women currently unemployed looking for jobs but was not able to find it.sometimes i just hate this country as all i got was pain i could have been a teacher in college but here you have to go through hell to find a decent job.well working or not working i should not be going through this i am scared to walk out of this marriage i have a 12 and a 9 yr old girls and lifestyle here is so expensive i don't want them to go through the pain of devorce .please help me .  

[Isabelle1963]

Contact your local Sheriffs department and ask to speak to the Chaplin.  Advise him of your situation and ask if there is a program designed to help remove women and children from a dangerous situation. It's already documented about your husband going to jail etc.  There is your proof that you need assistance.  There are programs designed to help relocate a family.  Find out what is available in your area and DO NOT depend on his family.  Right now they're looking for a scapegoat and naturally you are going to be the main target.  Your marriage as you knew it is no more at this point.  Start looking forward and help your children recover.  They're not adults and have no clue how to bounce back from this.  Dig down deep and get your help and help your children.

Isabelle

[Joyce49788]

i went through something similar with my ex after moving to his hometown. his mother who i always got along well with, turned her back on me when i asked for advice on how to handle the stuff he was doing, and to this day...3 yrs after leaving him...she blames ME for the breakdown of the relationship as her son can do no wrong.  i dont even care anymore aside from when he has my son down in NC and i am in MI.  i dont think he was doing recreational drugs but i do know that he was cheating on me...so i hope that it is able to work out for you but if he is mentally abusive to you and your kids then you need to think of the children.  i have been in and out of court because they have money and i dont, and he especially did not and still does not see what he was doing to me or the kids.  
i had to leave while he was at work cause otherwise he would have tried to stop me.  i was afraid of him and although i tried my hardest to make things work, it takes two and if one is not willing then it is too far gone in my opinion.

i wish you the best and hope that you make the right and best choice for you and your children. GOOD LUCK dear.

[peggy64]

you have to think of those kids. I know you are in pain, but you are showing your kids how to deal with crises like these, and that it is ok to let people treat them like this. You don't want them learning that it is ok for people to treat them badly do you, or do you want to teach them that they have to stand up and say I am a person and I do not deserve to be treated this way.

You can't make people be good to you, but you don't have to stay with them.

Get them away from that nightmare as fast as possible. Can you call any of your friends or family from your other city to come get you, send but tickets?
Is there a womens shelter there that you could get some help from.

[gypc]

i have been seeing this guy for about three years, he is fine one min but when he drinks hard stuff he starts accusing me of cheating, he puts me down in front of people, tells me if i ever sleep with anyone it is over yet proceeds to tell me things girls do to him. he kicks me out of his place then calls and says he is sorry to come back to loves me. sometimes treats me like a queen and other times he will ignore me. tells me when things go wrong i am the bad person i am a very very bad person. tells his friends things about me and then retracts what he says. sometimes when we are together it is like i am the greatest thing in his life, when the drinking starts i am not.  

[sb21122]

I found out it was Crack. I just had problem and called police. but since he threw the stuff he didn't get charged with it and is in denial. His mom did the same thing. came to my house and took the car.. it is in her name as she got it for us to use since my husbands credit is bad. So I am left here with no car, no means for money or anything. I have three kids. She tried to say it was me on the drugs to turn it around. I had told her about her son on drugs I think three times. I don't know what to do. He was taken to jail but let out on his own recog. then another county had a charge saying he violated paroll from a DUI charge. I don't know what to do. I have no family here and no way to get anywhere. I hope someone can help me in what to do. I really need help.
Thank you

[fbadga.david]

The one thing you need to do is get out of that marriage.  My sister went through the same thing, it almost cost her, her life.  Her husband begain to use drugs, and would hit her, and beat the children.  When he didn't have money, he came to her and try to take the rent money, and she wouldn't give it to him, so he stabed her, over 14 time, and left her for dead.  The older son go up, and saw his mother on the floor in her one blood, too afriad to come out of his room, it took my ant to call 911.  The dotor told her that if she was five mint late she would have died.  Please do you and your children a favor and leave, how ever you can.

[GirlyGurlMommy]

He had a problem that he needs to address. Since he sounds like he isnt about to do that at this time. Its time for you to pack your things and go back to YOUR family. Maybe after the fact of realizing he has lost his family has sunk in he may re-evaluate his priorities. The drugs and hanging out all night arent it.

You and your children deserver better than this and he needs to be shown some tough love.

[pricej]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But you need to know that it is only going to get worse. And by you staying you are showing your children it is ok to act and treat people this way. I agree with the above poster. Pack your stuff and go back home to your family. You are not in a safe situation. I know it will be hard with children but the sooner the better. Please be careful and take care of your family. Good luck.

One more thing, inform your self on drugs. It's a sad sad life and a very low chance that he will go clean and not relaspe. Do whats right for you and those children.

[Laurka]

i know it is easier said then done... but girl! you take the kids and get the hell out of there, i would consider this as mental abuse... had a relationship like this long time ago tell you honestly i left his country and city for a week and never went back..... and those emotional brused, took a very long time to heal. Just run and never look back! Start a fresh new life! I know it will be hard at the beginning but trust me you will feel better and better each day!!! GO! GO!

[PlateletGal]

One thing you could do is write a list of boundaries. If your husband wants to talk to your children, then only you, and no one else can decide if that would be okay. But of course, he should NEVER have contact with you or your children if he is on drugs, etc. So that could be the first rule on your boundary list.

I hope you will consider moving. You need some distance between him and the children and in addition, you need to go to a place where you have support. This is about you since we know that we aren't responsible for other humans and their behavior.

The only thing you can do is pray that he will get help and if he does, he will not make it if he does not stick to it. It is something he must decide when he is ready and he must do on his own. The only thing you can tell him is that you hope that he does seek help.

[Trialanderror]

Run, run! Protect yourself and the children. He can get help from a neutral person once he is ready but do not get entangled in an abusive situation, please. Never mind the previous 9 good years. You have to create some distance and neutral ground between yourselves before it can get better. Drugs are causing erratic behaviour. You do not deserve to live in a danger zone.
All the best.

[blackrose]

I can't imagine going through this nor would I want to.Your children and you come first,I know that you probably feel he should,because of his drug addictions.You said that you have been married for nine years,and that you all just recently moved closer to his parents,and this is when it all started,him using the drugs,and staying out all night or gone for several days.It doesn't sound right,he should be overwhelmed that he is lieving closer to his parents instead of going out and doing drugs.Has he all ways gotten a long with his family,or has there been troubled waters before with them,in the past.This is such a bad time of year,to be going through something like this.You need to pack what things you can and leave to night,or in the morning.Write him a note and tell him,why you left,and why you don't deserve to be treated this way by him,nor your children have to put up with his uncaring attitude.Your children should be your main concern right now any ways not him,he has chose this path,you didn't tell him to take it.He will suffer,when he comes back down to earth and realize you are not coming back.I just thought of some thing else too,maybe he has wanted to end the marriage before,but didn't want to be the one to do it,he wants you to end it.Let him have his way,with the drugs and what ever else he does.Concentrate on your beautiful children,and let them know you will all ways be there for them.They will probably be a lot happier than they are now.There Daddy isn't there for them,nor does he care now.Step up and take control of your life again.It will be hard,but think of how much happier your children will be.Leave that bag of potatoes and go find some oranges.Find some piece in your life.Take Care Of Your Self and The little Ones.Blackrose.

[pixijal]

You cannot MAKE him stop using drugs.  You must protect your children.  I would move back home where you have support.  9 years is nothing compared to your life time.  Everyone above could not have said it any better...listen to them.

[PlateletGal]

I agree that the poster definitely needs to protect herself and her children. I also think that her husband needs help and if my loved ones needed help, I would be there. Being there doesn't mean you have to be with him, nor does it mean you have to be co-dependant or even talk to him. It just means that you can tell that person that when they get real & serious and want to get help, that you will support them the best you can. This man is her husband and the father of her children and apparently they have had a good marriage for 9 years. It is a sad situation.

sb21122 - there is nothing you can do to change your husband. You may want to consider moving back home where YOU can have support. Perhaps that would make your husband want to get help? But you know that if he seeks help, he must do it for himself and not anyone else.

My heart goes out to you and your children. Good luck.

[pertykitty]

from a family situation with drugs i know how they are. they use you as the scapegoat. its all you not him. you stress him out, you ***** and complain, you, you ,you. when he really just wants to get high and you to shut up and be ok with it. having children in this environment isnt healthy and you know it. deep down you know what you have to do, be strong and do it! they never get better on their own unless they hit rock bottom and HAVE to. he isnt himself so dont feel bad about the things he says. just get on your merry way and be a good mom, that is really all you can do until he helps himself. i hope all works out, but maybe being around his family makes it harder. im sure they stick up for him. say its you blah blah blah. put yourself and your kids first, then if he sobers up , include him. life is too short to deal with this for years to come. unfortunatly the drug user doesnt feel anything but what is best for them. selfish and uncaring only wanting to get their high. dont blame yourself, its not your fault. drugs will make any great person become like this. and until they fall hard, they cant help themselves.

[eujaro1]

mental/emotional abuse is when someone calls you out your name,degrade you infront of others and/or by yourselves. or if he is basically doing,acting,or saying, anything to make you feel bad and uncomfortable. Futhermore you have to realize if he is on drugs he is not going to be the same sweet person you know. If he's doing hard drugs like herione,coke,or meth,even when he's not using (downtime) his personality may be altered due to withdrawl symptoms. As long as he doing drugs he's basicall dead to you. All he is going to be thinking about is getting his next high. He's not concerned with you the kids,eating, or bathing, just drugs.  

I would encourage him to get help. I know you probably love him but you need to stay away! You don't need the kids seeing him in that condition or witnessing his mistreatment. Also keep in mind the mental/emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse. Good luck!!

[NataliesMommy]

This is a dangerous situation.  Your children do not need to be exposed to this.  My advise, as harsh as it seems, is to pack your bags and go to where your family is so you can have positive support.  Your husband has a huge problem and it does not have to become yours.  He needs to get his act together and PROVE to you that he has.  I have been in this situation and most addicts dont want to get help.  Also, be prepared for him to make you feel and seem worthless and he will tell that you are crazy.  Leave before it gets any worse. Please.

[PlateletGal]

Do you know what kind of drugs your husband is doing ?