Am I being controlling?

[mommytobe97]

My husband and I have this "rule" we made up for our relationship, that we don't spend time, one on one, with a person of the opposite sex. Some friends and others have said it's controlling and that I have trust issues. I trust my husband completely and he likes the rule. We both want to respect each other and the relationship and it has always worked well for us. If he wants to hang out with his buddies or with a co-ed group, then I am happy for him to do that. Though I do not think it is appropriate for him to spend time with just another woman other than me. I know he has female friends and they talk or what ever. That's completely fine with me. I just don't see how him spending time with a woman alone would be appropriate. Am I too controlling? Even though my husband likes the rule and thinks it's a good idea. And do you think I have trust issues?

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I think this "rule" is very appropriate.  It is an unspoken rule between my husband and I.  I stay home now but when I worked, I worked with almost all men.  Some of them, my husband knew.  We were in the same line of work and actually met at a different company.  A competitor.  Anyway, I was always nice and friendly with everyone but that stayed at work.  Men didn't call me at home or on my work cell unless it was work related.  Same for my husband.  He doesn't talk to other women unless it is work related.  My husband does remodeling along with his regular full time job.  He does sometimes have clients that are female and that is perfectly okay but no, I don't think it is appropriate for him to hang out with them.

I actually once read something like this in a magazine or something like that.  It was one of the things that a psychologist said and suggested was that friends of opposite sex don't hang out without the spouses there.  

And it is your marriage.  No one can tell you what is okay in your marriage.  That is for you and your husband to decide.

[sweetpea03]

My fiance and I have always had this "rule" as well. Some people thinks it's odd or what ever, but it works well for us and we both like it. I think it shows great respect for the relationship and is a good way to avoid bad situations.

[penswriter]

My dh and I have the same "rule". Even though it's not really a rule. It's just a given. The only man, aside from him, I spend ANY time with alone...is my boss. Which is usually about 5-10 minutes a week in the car on our way to our meeting. And I trust that man, my boss, more than any other man I work with...his wife (who is pregnant with their 3rd child) is best friends with my mom. lol.

[mommytobe97]

My husband does not have any gay friends and the only gay man I know is my brother and his partner. Family is family, have never counted them into the rule. I know he'll spend time with his sisters and his brother and his girlfriend. I have never thought of that as an issue. It's more about being with people whom he just knows as friends or acquaintances. He does not even go to lunch with female coworkers or anyone else alone. It is out of respect for the relationship that he does that and the same with me. I would not want to go to lunch or dinner with another man other than my husband. I have a few good male friends, but all of them know I will not spend time with them alone. And the good male friends I have also know my husband and have gotten to know him, which I think is important. One of the people who had called the rule controlling likes to spend time with her ex alone a lot. She says her fiance knows about it and is fine with it and trusts her completely. I would not be okay with that. I trust my husband, but I don't know what his ex wants and what she is trying to do.  It just seemed odd to me that, that kind of situation happens and is okay by their standards.  

[Ashelen]

My husband and I have the same rule. and for us it's also not an issue of trust, it's an issue of respect. we're "old school" in that sense...it's just disrespectful to us.

he can spend time with female family members if he so wishes, but he generally doesn't. my husband works at a university and sees women all the time and has made several friends. he talks to them on his lunch or breaks and I don't mind that at all, because it's in a very public situation. but if he were ever to drive one home and spend some time at her house, yeah that would send me into a tizzy, but then..he never would. it's just a rule with us. like I have a friend who is male that has been my best friend since we were probably about 4 years old, and he can give me rides to places but we don't go over to his house to hang out or anything even though we have a 21-year- history of nothing sexual...again, it's about respect for my husband.

do what you and your husband feel comfortable doing..and I agree with teko...to me, this rule is not only respectful but "sensible".

[teddybears4ever2]

I don't think it's controlling.  I do have the same question that Diva asked, does this count family members?  Every couple knows what is best for them.  I also wonder if this includes gay guys, they are basically girls?  

[lovemykids465]

The Bible says to flee the appearance of evil. Joe and I have the same rule. And yes, I do have trust issues with reason, but this rule was decided upon way before the trust issue came into play. We also have the same rule about phone conversations now. Even if there is nothing going on, if it makes your spouse uncomfortable then don't do it. I know a few years back a male friend and I were car pooling and the rumor was we having an affair. We knew it was not true, our significant others knew it was not true but man it spread like wild fire. We decided to quit the car pool ( plus I got a different job a year later) and from that point on Joe and I decided not to ever get ourselves in that predicament again.

[teko]

This is a rule that both of you agreed to and there is nothing controlling about it. Controlling is not a word I would use to describe it either, Sensible comes to mind. Anytime you put a male and a female in a situation alone, without the other committed party, sooner or later my friend, nature takes its course.

[skepticalpeach]

I don't think it's controlling. I could definitely see that as a good rule. Does it also include family members though? I've spent time alone with my brother in laws and my husband didn't mind about that. I've also spent time alone with my gay friends, who clearly aren't interested. I honestly don't think you have much to worry about!

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, I agree with everyone.  No reason for anyone to care what you and your husband agree too.  I will tell you that any female friends of my husbands that did not befriend me drifted off into space with my husband and I.  He just didn't pursue being friends with them.  My line of thinking is that if a friend of the opposite sex does not attempt to also get to know the person's spouse, they have ulterior motives.  They may be buried deep inside and the person may not be conscious of it by why else would they not attempt to be friends with the man (or woman) and their partner as a 'couple"?  

So, I don't think your "rule" is weird at all and those who have lots of friends of the opposite sex that aren't friendly with their partner so that all can hang out together . . . well, honestly, I think THAT is weird.  good luck

[mommytobe97]

Thanks. My husband has never done anything to make me question him. He has always been faithful and we are upfront about what ever is going on. I trust him completely.

We just thought that it was more respectful of the other to not just spend alone time with someone of the opposite sex. A friend of ours recently went through a nasty divorce after the husband had cheated. He always says how the other woman and him were "just friends" and they would spend time together. We both never want to end up there and found it better to just not spend time alone with others. I don't spend time with men alone and he won't spend time with women alone. (I should say by choice. He does have times when he is alone with a female coworker or client, but that's not what we mean by no alone time)

I was a little shocked at how a few people reacted to our 'rule'. Saying I don't trust my husband and I am controlling him, keeping him from his female friends. He is free to see his female friends, but they do so by being in a group, even if it's 3 or 4 people. I had not expected the back lash from the decision my husband and I made.

[ANewLife4Me]

I don't think it's controlling at all if both of you agreed to and are happy with this rule.  I wouldn't want my significant other spending time with another woman alone, nor would I want to spend time alone with another man.  It's your relationship and if it works for you two, then it doesn't matter what anybody else says :)  

[brice1967]

I agree with chesh 100%.  This is your relationship.  Both of you made this rule and are glad to do so.  I can see how some might see that as controlling, but who cares?  If you and your husband are fine with it, that is all that matters.

Trust issues.... like chesh said, only you can answer that question.  A question I'd throw out there is, has your husband even done anything to make you question his trust?

I destroyed the trust in my marriage and am currently working on rebuilding it.  I know that after the trust has been demolished, it came come back, but it's completely a different animal.

[cheshchesh819]

If you and your husband are happy with this rule then i dont see there being a problem,whatever anyone else thinks this is your marriage noone elses,and no i dont think you are controlling this is a joint decision made by the 2 of you,as for the trust issue only you can answer that one.