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Am I controlling to ask my wife not to communicate with ex lovers?
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Am I controlling to ask my wife not to communicate with ex lovers?

My wife maintains a communicative relationship with at least one former lover.  She has text messages, phone calls, and email communications with the ex.  Would I be controlling if I asked her to not communicate with the ex, or at least share the communications with me?
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1152782_tn?1366311480
Nope.
I think it's perfectly acceptable.  It's dangerous for people to be in close relationships with members of the opposite sex (especially exes).  There is a particular person that I asked DH to do the same with me and it has completely calmed any jealous feelings I had of her.  I also tell DH of any communications I have with exes because it's the respectful thing to do.
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1540356_tn?1293648247
Thanks so much for this advice and comment.  My wife thinks I am controlling to have the same feeling as you express.  Also, how do you feel about private phone and email accounts.  Bluntly stated, I know my wife is trustworthy and loves me.  However I don't trust the guys that contact her to not pressure her for sex.  

My wife is furious if I look at her phone or email.  I feel we should be able to look at each others email and phones.  She sees my email and phone at her will.  I just don't know what is right and need advice.  Thanks
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Avatar_f_tn
I do not see it as controlling at all. She should respect your wishes. Now my husband is good friends with two or my ex's and we all keep in contact but he knows there is nothing to worry about. They contact him most of the time I speak with them once in a while but that said, we are all married and the 3 of us couples have actually vacationed together. To be honest it was not all that comfortable at first for me. One morning at the breakfast table the guys were sitting around one of the wives was in the shower the other still in bed so I was getting coffee for my husband and the other two, when one of them started laughing and said, what do all of us sitting at this table have in common?  They laughed I was not to happy about it. But in my defense I was 17 and 18 When I dated them and married my husband at 20. So his response was true, but I got her for life.
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1152782_tn?1366311480
My husband was mad at first that I would even consider that he might cheat.  But I sat down and very calmly told him my feelings. I think if he would have had a problem with me looking through his phone I would have asked why he was so upset, that gives me more reason to be worried.  If there is nothing to worry about, please ease my mind by showing me your email conversations/texts with her.....
If you are sincere, calm and compassionate about it, and she still flips out and is defensive I would then question if there really is an affair.  It could even be just emotional and she's not ready to admit it yet.  It took probably a week for DH to admit that he can see how I would think he was having an emotional affair.  Once he realized how it looked, he was quick to ease my mind........
Good luck to you!
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Avatar_n_tn
I do not think you are controlling but maybe insecure! You say you love & trust your wife then that should be it. If you don't trust the other men that is you issue & one you need to sort whether for your marriage or future relationships. We can not get to a certain age without having some form of baggage but it's how we carry it. One of my best friend is male not an ex but I am friends with my ex as well. My husband has female friends &i am fine with that. ( regardless of other issues lol) good luck but don't walk away without giving it your best shot x
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1068689_tn?1325830806
I don't think you are controlling. And I'm not so sure you are insecure either. Maybe and if so then you just need to deal with that.

But I firmly believe that if a married couple somewhere along after wards decides to bring in old flames to the marriage, then I have to first ask why? What is the reason for this? What are that persons intentions, and where do they think they are going to go with this. And I think even more important is to find out how you fit into it all.

I speak with experience since my wife has found an old ex from high school and was not totally up front with me about it. So I became very jealous about it because of the way she went about it. I did ask her about things and she at first played it down but then I found some evidence. She got mad and told me I was out of bounds for finding and reading the emails. Well maybe but the fact remains she wrote it and I read it. Now what do yo do right?
Well we've worked most of it out but I do think there is a fine line between bringing in old flames and them just being 'friends' as it seems we are always told. I don't know how a person who has had an intimate relationship one day and years later does not have some sort of feelings for them.

Then there is this trust issue. Well trust goes both ways. If both parties are completely up front from the beginning and you all get along then I don't see the problems. But when one or another tries to hide things or 'forgot' to tell you then all I can see are problems in the future. I mean, your wife married you not the ex's. I think ex's means in the past and that is where they should be left.
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1540356_tn?1293648247
So you say I shouldn't ask her to not communicate with ex lovers?  
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Avatar_f_tn
Nope i dont think this is controlling,i think it is a fair request,i would not like it if it were my husband and i know my husband would not like me doing the same,it is one thing to say hi on the streets to an ex but to have each others numbers na i wouldnt like it
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Avatar_m_tn
Not at all controlling.  Communicate your feelings concerning this relationship and make absolutely sure she knows how you feel.... I was the one in my marriage who struck up an old relationship with an ex, and it almost ruined my marriage.  It all started off innocently enough, but the whole thing was insidious..... it was an ugly, ugly thing.

And insecure???  Are your feelings you being insecure, or is it your intuition telling you something is going on?  I'd suggest it's not insecurity.... Communication is the key.  If it is bothering you it is worth bringing up every time.  You let her know exactly how you feel about it, and watch her reaction.  I'd suggest that if she gets angry that you are bringing this up..... that's a problem.

Give her the opportunity to put this to rest.  Pay attention in the hours, days, weeks that follow.  Yeah, it's a bit vigilant but worth your effort.  I don't mean spending all of your time looking for something wrong, but pay attention.

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1540356_tn?1293648247
Thanks Brice, and all.  I appreciate the time you've taken to help me with this.
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Avatar_m_tn
Glad to help and I hope it all goes well.  One of the things about me was that I used to be a great talker, but not so much a communicator.  With me, I never pulled punches.  You ask, I tell, and it might not be pretty or what you wanted to hear, but you got it right between the eyes.

That's all fine and dandy, don't get me wrong.  My problem was that I could not communicate my feelings without becoming angry.  The thing about that is, I have no idea what I was angry about.  I'd guess it was having to expose something about myself.

Things now are different.  I had to go down one hell of a bumpy road to get there, but I am there and thigns are much better,  I feel better about myself and the relationships I have with pretty much everyone, but most importantly my wife.

I don't know if I mentioned above that it was me who had struck up a relationship with an ex after some 23 or so years.  It started off innocently enough but went to hell in a hand cart.  As far as I am concerned, ex's are ex's for a reason.  The current relationship that one is in is where all of ones attention needs be placed.  I can tell you that nothing good came of the relationship I struck up with an ex..... nothing!  Im not saying it cant be done, but I am saying it didnt go so good for me.  

Being cordial or even friendly when bumping into an ex on the street is one thing.  Even having open conversations is fine, but your other half should be privy to evryhting that is going on.  It removes all doubt and keeps one in the clear.  

From my perspective, me creeping around and being sneaky was just that...sneaky.  And, there is no room for sneaky in a relationship.  Everything should be on the up and up.

I had some depression disorder issues, but I amnot using that for an excuse.  I did what I did.  I am not proud of it, but I owned it, addressed it and moved on from it with the help from my beautiful wife.

Drummer, anything is possible within a relationship but it takes attention, concentration, openness, truth, and communication.  Keep after it.  Vigilance is not the same as being jealous.  If you have reason to believe that something is going on, it should be her job to put it to rest for you..... it is just that simple.  On the same note, it isnt worth you tryng to run around and be sneaky for revenge.  Keep your dignity and honor intact.  Conduct yourself in the fashion you want to be dealt with and perhaps it will become contagious....
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1068689_tn?1325830806
About asking your spouse to stop communicating. Well that is within your rights to do so and you will need to make that decision for you and your circumstance.

I know what I've done being in the same situation. I know that with my wife if I asked her to do this would cause more problems. As you see, she says there is nothing between them but being friends. So she wouldn't want to lose that friendship they have.
So I have a dilemma in that if I do nothing then I will always wonder. If I try to stop it it'll make things worse. So I've stayed in the middle to accept him as a friend of the family and try to grow that. For us it is working but I have to keep watch for signs etc. for my own sanity. I'm still not 100% sure all things are what she says but we're in a good place right now so I'll let it ride.
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1490116_tn?1304820737
In my opinion you are simply asking her to garner you some respect. Communicating with ex-lovers would be like saying that she wants to leave her options open. It's not respectful and it sends the wrong message to you about her commitment level.
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1540356_tn?1293648247
To all,
Thanks for the advice and help.  I settled the problem.  We will be getting a divorce soon.  We have only been married since November 6 2010.

Cheers and God bless
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