Ok, I'm just gonna write this and try to get all my thought out there, so sorry if some of it doesn't make sense lol
My hubby and i just moved into a new apartment(in a new state also) around 3 months ago. We're trying to save up our money for a house eventually so we went with a 2 bedroom apartment(i wanted a three bedroom but i got overruled as he makes all the money). My son has his own room and then our 4 month old sleeps in our room in her crib.
Well ever since moving here my husband sleeps on the couch instead of in our bed every night(he sleeps in our room maybe once or twice a month). He claims that the bed hurts his back and then with the baby in there with us he never gets any sleep as she still wakes up during the night(at least twice) and he has to get up at 5:30-6:00 in the morning for work. Now I should say that he DOES have back problems(we had a car accident two years ago and his back has been messed up ever since), but before we moved here he still slept on the bed practically every night and the only time he didn't was if he happened to fall asleep on the couch while watching tv.
So i guess i just don't understand why all of a sudden(since moving here) he isn't sleeping on our bed with me since we've had the same mattress/bed set for over a year now. I get really upset about this and I tried to explain to him how I feel about it. I feel like he just doesn't want to sleep with me and that he is just using excuses not to be in the bedroom with me. We still have sex and everything, i just feel like we've lost some of our intimacy because of the not sleeping together(literally sleeping together i mean) IMO couples sleeping together is one of the things that keeps the relationship intimate and I love knowing that he's there right beside me if I need him.
To me this is a big deal, and I know his reason can be legitimate as the baby does wake me up and he does have back problems, but in my head(maybe I'm just insane lol) i feel like he's turning away form me.
I can't seem to explain to him how i feel where he understand me, every time I ask him to sleep in the bedroom he just goes on about how the bed hurts his back and he doesn't want to get woken up by the baby and that he needs to sleep.
So what do you guys think? Am i crazy and just looking to much into this or what? And any advice on what I can do to get him to understand me?
Was the baby in a separate room in your old place? It could very well be that issue, that he's awoken by her and he has to work so that could be the case. What does he say when you tell him how you feel? Do you have date nights where it's just the two of you? There is more to intimacy then sleeping in the same bed. Some couples work different shifts with jobs and therefore never get to sleep together. But I think only he could give you the answers about why he chooses not to sleep in the bed. But I can understand why you miss him laying next to you. I can't sleep very well when my fiance is not there to snuggle with.
No the baby was always in the room with us, that's one of the reasons I wanted to go to a 3 bedroom apartment when we moved here, because the baby woke him up before too. So i wanted a 3 bedroom apartment so that the baby would be in her own room and she wouldn't wake him up, but my husband didn't want to do the 3 bedroom because we found a 2 bedroom apartment that had bigger bedrooms so he figured it would be fine.
We don't have very many date nights, all of our family is out of state and since we've only been here 3 months we don't really know anyone who could babysit or anything. I stay home with the kids, and we don't have daycare or anything so we haven't really had much time with just us.
When i try and tell him how i feel he basically just says that it's not a big deal that he would sleep with me if it wasn't for the baby or his back. He acts like i'm making a big deal over nothing, He knows it's a big issue for me but it's not an issue for him so he think i'm always overreacting.
I just don't get why all of a sudden he doesn't want to sleep in the bedroom, it's like out of the blue. We moved here and then he doesn't want to do that? I don't get it, the baby was in the room with us before and we had the same bed and everything but, to me it seems like all of a sudden he doesn't want to sleep with me. i have a hard time falling asleep without him there. i lay there for like 45 mins trying to fall asleep, and i have a body pillow to cuddle with to try and help since i always cuddled with him to fall asleep.
i just don't know why this issue is so important to me. I know there are other ways to keep intimacy up but sleeping together is a big thing for me and one of the great aspects of having a relationship because you get such a closeness from it(imo)
I am just basically asking this to dot all the "i's" and cross all the "t's", so please don't take offense to this. What was the reasoning for the move to the new state? I'm saying this only because when a man's behavior changes it could mean that there is an emotional connection with someone else. The move may have meant he moved to be closer to someone else and is distancing himself from you because he is growing attached to someone else. I could be throwing way out into left field with this but I just want to get it out there. Hope you are not offended in any way by me asking this.
lol don't worry about offending me, i asked for opinions after all lol
My husband just got out of the army so we moved here because this is where his new job was. Plus some of his army buddies(all men) were working with the same company, and it was the best job he could have gotten(with one of the top companies in his work field). So we decided to move here.
Ok good, I would hate for that to be the reason so I'm glad he moved for a legit reason. Men sometimes don't think some things are as big a deal as us women do. They don't measure intimacy the same way. My fiance's aunt and her husband have been together for like 20 years or something to that affect and they sleep in separate rooms. If they had slept together, they probably would have been divorced years ago...lol. Here's your solution...order a new bed and see if you can build a wall between your son's room to create 2 bedrooms. Therefore, you can put the baby in that room. If the bedrooms are as big as your husband says then you can do that and if he's still sleeping on the couch then there is a reason beyond what he's saying. But at least it limits his excuses.
Lol I've thought of doing all that, but then the baby would wake up my son as well as me lol..that would not be fun. But i think i can do that a different way. i could just move her crib into the living room that way she's still right outside our room but has her own separate space, and we just sold one of our couches(we had two) so there's a lot of unused space in the living room, and she has no problem sleeping with noise(i.e the tv/my son playing)
I'd like to get a new bed too as I've always wanted one of those foam ones(can't think of the name right now lol) because I've also had back problems ever since having an epidural with my son. The bed we have now bothers me occasionally but not very often and I've been told by others that the foam mattress really helps with supporting your back and everything. But as our bed is pretty new(about a year old), my husband will probably not want to get a new one.
Now that i think about it though, my son needs a new mattress so maybe we could just give him our bed(a 2 1/2 year old with a queen size, he'll be loving that lol) and then we could get a new one. I'll have to talk to him about it and see what he says. It would kill two birds with one stone at least, my son would get a new mattress and we could get one that won't hurt his back.
i'll have to talk to him tonight and see how he reacts to all this. If this doesn't help with my problem then i guess he's just making excuses. i'll find out either way.
Ok, here are my two cents....It sounds like the guy has back issues and it's understandably that having a baby in the room will wake him up and takes away from intimacy. I wouldn't want to have passionate lovemaking with the baby in the room, so I agree with sweet mami... converting your son's room into a 2 bedroom (even if it's temporarily) and he definately need to see the chiropractor to his back. It's a sincerely problem and I don't think he is cheating on you or neglecting the relationship (I'm pretty blunt and would have said so), back and baby causing wows....goog luck...Judy
My parents sleep in separate rooms and have for as long as I can remember. They just celebrated their 48th wedding anniversary. I can certainly understand you miss your husband in bed with you. Mine works nights, I work days, so we hardly ever get to sleep in the same bed. And sometimes my husband will still sleep on the couch on his nights off.
I sometimes get upset, but for the majority of the time I just enjoy having the entire bed and all the pillows to myself..LOL!
If your husband hasn't exhibited any other suspect behavior, he is probably telling you the truth. He could always prove it to you by going and seeing a Dr. for his back problems if he's in that much pain. If you do suspect something, do a little detective work.
With a wall put up to separate your son's room, it would be like 2 separate rooms, so he wouldn't hear a thing. They do it in my apartment building all the time and they just build a wall. But if you have the room in the living room you could do that. Unfortunately, for your hubby, it will remove him from the couch.
Thanks for all the advice! i do feel better about the situation. As to the requests that he see a chiropractor, he has seen one in the past and the guy basically cracked his back and then gave my hubby exercises he could do to help fix it(but my hubby never actually does what the doc told him to, so the problems are still there) He'll be home in a little bit so i'll talk to him about possibly getting a new bed that will be better for his back.
I called my apartment office about possibly getting a temporary wall put up(which was a great idea i'd never really thought of) and ya it's a no go. The apartment complex offers 3 bedroom apartments and they basically suggested to me that if we wanted an extra room we could move to a 3 bedroom place. Which of course would cost us a moving fee of $350 and an extra $300-$800 a month rent(depending on the view as we live near a bay, plus we got this apartment on a move in special so we pay less than normal)..so that's definitely not going to happen anytime in the near future.
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