Am I crazy??

[katie21586]

I have to know if I'm being crazy or not! My boyfriend and I have been in a turbulent relationship on and off for 4 years. When I say turbulent, I mean he has broken up with me in some form or another at least 30 times. The last big time (Jan 2015) he moved out of our house and back in with his mom. A few months later, he was back asking to work it out again. We did. He began talking to an old flame of his for months. I found out, we tried to work it out again to no avail. I moved out this time, last Nov after he said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Ok fine. Again he comes back, tries to convince me we can make it this time. On my birthday, Feb 15 he finally convinces me but tells me that he plans to start a business soon and will be very very busy. I say ok, I understand. Come to find out, he borrowed 45k from his grandparents who hate me inexplicably. Originally, it was because I'm part black but later it became a problem when I made my boyfriend an authorized user on a credit card of mine. From that moment on, I was not allowed at family functions anymore, holidays...the whole nine yards. The 45k came with the proviso that he could no longer see me. He decided to "disobey" and see me secretly. Basically, I was downgraded to a "intimacy-only" type of girl. Then, once the business came around to taking shape, he informed me I would never be allowed on the premise because that was the family's stipulation as well as his best friend who also decided he would start hating me as well. My boyfriend said that he obviously did not agree with this policy but his hands were tied as they held all the money and were helping him. I remained supportive until about 3 weeks ago when I decided I was starting to get upset about this. I saw him an hour or two every two weeks and that was it. I spoke up and I was yelled at for not being supportive and getting too involved in something that wasn't my business and this is the way it is, if I don't like it, there is the door...
Since then, I've remained distant. He still reaches out by way of text every day with "hey" "good morning" etc. Opening day of his business came around and there were all sorts of happy friendly pictures online and obviously I'm no where to be seen. He told me tonight that this will likely go on for another 6 months to a year of me barely seeing or speaking to him and I still cannot come see him.
Am I wrong for being devastated or should I stick it out? He tells me he still wants to be with me and that this is only temporary. I can't see this ending well one way or another, though.

[Nighthawk61]

oh i see that the comments i wrote to commenters on the new format are not formatted for the old format ?? hmmmm

How are you Katie?

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Gosh, going to be honest here.  I just think when things have all of 'this' going on . . .   doesn't it sound fantastic to find someone that you don't have these problems with?  A relationship with someone that you don't have to fear will end things abruptly and at the drop of a hat?  That has a massive debt that he didn't tell you about initially?  Etc.  

I feel like if you follow your gut here . . .  take this as an opportunity to leave this bad news behind and leave this relationship ---  you will ultimately be happier down the road.

That's what I would do.  good luck hon

[Nighthawk61]

Katie, can you talk to us and tell us how you are, and what's happening? I had a very chaotic home life and was fodder for this type of situation myself for many years. I guess my best advice would first be to think of whether you want children or not and i think your optimal trajectory will become clearer for you.  At 30, it's time that you got pragmatic, and freed yourself from this poisonous tree, and found a partner that was raised in a way that you can count on fully moving forward with them, who fully can honor your position in the family. This bf of yours is projecting his family's co-dependence into your life, and that can be a very dangerous position for you to allow yourself to tread. It could be the difference as to whether you can have a  child in good conscience, or whether they will be from a broken home before they're even born...or whether you'll be able to fulfill a marriage vow, or celebrate your 40th wedding anniversary.. and the list goes on and on.

There is no shortage of good men out there, that were raised to honor a good woman. I hope you know that's what you are and that's what you deserve.

[Londres70]

Times broken up=Years you've been alive.

So........... what would it take for you to end this?  You two have gotten into this toxic, dysfunctional cycle and you need to figure out how to break it;

"Am I crazy??"............Only you can answer that.  

You should probably read the book Chima has recommended.

[Nighthawk61]

Reading this book written from a man's perspective of women who are holding on, is a great idea.

[RockRose]

katie,  by my calculation you're 30 years old.

Life is short - this relationship is going nowhere,  fast.  You've already wasted 4 years with him,  don't give him one more minute.

[Nighthawk61]

Absolutely.

[Chima7]

If it were me, I'd have stopped this merry go round a lot sooner. Because when you are in a relationship and break up/get back together over 30 times, it's pretty clear that y'all don't belong together.

The second thing is, there is no relationship here based on what's going on. Texting occasionally and seeing each other for an hour or two every other week when the moon is in retrograde does not equal a relationship. You know the old saying that Actions speak louder than words? His words may say he claims to want to be with you but his actions have made it very clear that he has no interest in a relationship. How many more excuses can he dream up after this to not want to see you or be with you?

You should read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". The author is a man who writes about how women waste so much time chasing guys who are clearly not interested. And a guy who truly loves you and wants to be with you will make it happen no matter what the circumstances. In other words, he would not be making up excuse after excuse after excuse like your non boyfriend has been doing this whole time.

I know you'll probably just keep hanging on but what you really need to do is dump him and his family drama at this point and move on. Because the longer you keep chasing after this nobody, the more you're passing by other guys who may actually be far more suited for you and who want a real relationship with you instead of this fake stuff that you have going on with this clown right now. I think if you want to do the right thing then you'll stop all of this back and forth that has gone on way too long and tell him you're done with him and move on with your life.

[Nighthawk61]

Great comment Chima, keep up the good work!!!