Am I just Crazy!? :o)

[blondee052]

Howdy! I feel like I'm exploding right now! I have been dating this guy for about 3 years now. I absolutely love him and our life together. I couldn't picture me without him! It was total love at first sight!(as ridiculous as that sounds) He talks more about marriage than I do, which is ok with me because I'm trying to figure him out.(lol-good luck with that one, huh!?) He is 40 and I am 28... I am ready for a family, but I don't push the issue at all. I feel as itt will happen when I'm ready. We are totally into each other like crazy...even after 3 years! We still feel the same as when we met. BUT...(now that u know a little background info..)

I have an issue with him now. And granted it seems to be alot worse especially that hormonal time of the month, if you know what I mean.. I feel like I must move on, but these feelings just overtake me sometimes..
Nine months ago I found girls' numbers in his wallet. I was devasted!! I'm the type that sees red before I even know what to do. I was sooo mad and hurt! I left and went & stayed at a girlfriends house and cried myself to sleep. It just really hurt..it tore my heart apart! At that moment I just did not want to see or talk to him..I needed to cool down & get my head in order, ya know?! We did text back n forth about all night. He apologized over n over, saying he never used any of them and wasn't sure why he even had them. Which is good...I believe him on that note. He did mess up when he told me he thought of them times before, but never took the action to throw them out. Ithink that hurt me the most. I think I could've handled it better if they were just there and he totally forgot about them, but to KNOW they were there and didn't act upon it-burns my biscuits! lol When we started dating I completely changed my phone number so no other males in my past could contact me. I threw away any & every number I had. I just felt like if this is IT, the ONE!-nobody else matters. Ok, so tell me if I'm being crazy!?....
Ok so then it gets better....a week later I was at work and he texted me to ask if it was ok he went to a local topless bar with an out-of-town friend..I said ok no problem, have fun. I was supposed to go there when I left workto meet him. Which is fine, I trusted him. I work in a very seasonal tourist location, and during our summer hours we don't close till eleven at night! I left about a quarter after and saw my friend that works next door. We sat in the parking lot for about an hour-hour and a half talking and catching up. Mind my boyfriend was constantly texting me, waiting on me to arrive, tellin me to hurry up,etc,etc. I knew where he was and was just trying to let him hang out with his friend. I finally leave my friend to go meet them. I arrive and walk in the door, I see one of his friends so I stopped and spoke. Then the guy he initially met there yells my name out and I walk to him and give him a hug. I notice my boyfriend isn't close by, so my eyes start scanning the joint. lol  I see him sitting by himself at the stage with a girl dancing for him! I try to compose myself, because I can be fire and brimstone when pissed off. I tried but when the chick squatted in front of him and grabbed his head and put it in between her breasts...ummmm...I lost it. All I did was walk out and said I was done with him. I didn't show my ***(sorry) or act like an idiot. I still to this day can see the smile on his face! And it burns me alive!  And of course he was intoxicated as they come! Well of course there was a fight for the next few days and probably weeks as well. It has been a hard pill for me to swallow, thats for sure!! I understand he was just being a guy and thats fine..but I feel like theres a line that sometimes doesn't need to be crossed. Do you know what would happen if he, for example, saw me out drunk with some dude like that!! Anyways, it's been 9 months ago and yes I'm fairly over it, but sometimes those feelings rear their ugly head. He says he's apologized a hundred times and for me to get over it and he doesn't want to hear another word about it. Yes I understand that. I wouldn't want to hear about it either if I were him! lol He says I'm doing more damaged by bringing it up and starting arguments over it than he did in the first placce. I see where hes coming from...but it doesn't take these feelings away. I'm alot better about it now than I was 1, 3 , or 6 months ago, and I know its just gonna take time. He tells me all the time he only wants me and loves me more thann anything in this world. But its like all my faith and trust is gone. I am scard to death now...so please any advice you have will help!  And please be honest with me....am I dwelling on nothing....HELP!

[mami1323]

I can go two ways on this one.  The first thing is yes, the numbers are completely wrong and were going to be used for the sole purpose of calling these girls and even if they weren't just like specialmom said, think of how he got them in the first place.  Flirting and back and forth conversation had to of occurred.  So I understand your trust issues there.  Now for the strip club incident, well what did you expect from him when you let him go to a strip club?  I mean I guess this can be looked at as, you allowed him to go thinking he would just sit and watch or have conversation with his friend's and he took it to a level that you didn't think he would go and that's why you are so angry.  But you can't get mad at him for going when you said it was ok.  But the thing that I find odd is, he knew you were on your way there, why would he put himself in that type of situation knowing that at any minute you would walk through the door?  It seems like he has a complete lack of respect for you.  Another thing is, he is already 40 and doesn't want marriage?  You have to think if this is the right man for you, seems like he has issues with commitment.  So here's the facts, he did all this and yet you still stayed with him.  So unless you plan on rethinking this relationship and getting out, then you have to suck up the past and move forward with the future.  You have chosen to stay with him and so you can't continue to throw these things in his face anymore.  Otherwise, what is the point of staying.  Perhaps why it still bothers you is because you maybe deep down know that this relationship isn't what you want or need.  Time to re-evaluate things.

[teko]

I have to agree with the others in that what do you think goes on in a topless bar and how did you think your bf was going to behave. Personally, I think that episode speaks for itself, but others may feel differently. Keeping someones number to me is no accident either. Yet, I did notice that you have no problem socializing with his friends and you are not uncomfortable in the strip bar situation either. (What is it that you get out of it?) Truly, I dont understand how it appeals to a woman and would like to know. I have never been.  Anyway, if you put yourself in an environment where it is well known what goes on, why would you be upset that he was doing what he was doing? I say if you love him and you can live with situations like this, then go for it. But to tell him to go and then get upset about what happens there? Nah! Do you guys plan on getting married or what?

[specialmom]

I just want to say that I don't think strip clubs are a big deal but within a relationship, a couple has to talk about how they feel about that.  And if one has an issue, then it is an issue for that couple.  Similar to porn.  Peoples feelings about such things must be respected in order to have a successful relationship.  I do not care if my husband goes to a strip club . . . but my husband goes like once every 7 years for a bachelor party or something.  He isn't into it.  But I trust him and he is a faithful, loyal guy.  I don't think that the poster has an issue with the strip club, she just wasn't too keen on the lap dance going on.  Who would like seeing their man in that position?  Not I. So that is something for her to think about.  

We also don't know if this poster stumbled upon the numbers or how it happened that she found them so lets not jump to conclusions.  thanks.  good luck to the original poster.

[EveKendall]

If you went through your guy's wallet without his permission, that alone is a trust issue.  Why are you doing that? Why would you violate HIS trust by going through his things?

What you are describing doesn't sound like love, it sounds like an emotional dependence.  

If you don't trust the guy, why are you dating him? Just leave.

I agree with Vance - who cares that he's going to a strip club? Better that than that he is out dating other girls without your knowledge.  

Frankly I don't think the person with the "issues" in this relationship is your man, it's you. If you don't have any trust in your relationship, you don't have squat. Either leave or get counseling to figure out how to learn to trust your partner.  Girls' numbers in his wallet might be business related. Did you tell him you went through his wallet and violated his privacy? I'm guessing you didn't. Why are you giving yourself pass on your own dishonesty here?

You have a lot to figure out.

"Love at first sight" doesn't exist in the reality based world. You were infatuated with him, not "in love."

[Vance2335]

From a  guys point of view...The topless bar, I see nothing wrong with what he did because that is the whole purpose of going to a place like that. The dancers are not hookers (in most places) and will do as much as they feel confortable with and trying to get the most money they can. Personally I don't go to strip clubs because I find them stupid but to get that upset over that I think is going overboard.

But for him to have other girls numbers is not right and to be with him for 3 years and for the feelings to be the way they are and no ring...I don't understand why that is.

[specialmom]

Hello.  I do not think you are dwelling on nothing.  I think your instincts are right.  First, you've been dating 3 years and you say he really loves you and wants to marry you . . . where's the ring, when's the date?  His actions speak louder than words on that.  I think if a man collects numbers and keeps them . . . when he is committed to someone else that this is a problem.  Again, actions speak louder than words.  A woman may off handedly give my super dee duper good looking husband (in his head--- LOL) her number, but why would she think he wanted it?  Hm.  What was he doing to present himself as a guy that wants another's number . . . See where I am going with that.  And then his choice to keep them.  What for?  Just in case?  This would bother me and is not a sign that he wants to further this relationship down the aisle.  I have no doubt that he loves you and that is not what I am saying.  But the things you describe are concerning.  And the topless bar incident . . . did you believe he wanted you to go because he wanted to hang with his buddies or did you think he might want to check out some ladies?  He may have innocently went there but then you must believe that he can just get caught up in the moment like that . . . also not a secure feeling as you contemplate a relationship longterm with someone.  

Now I am not saying your relationship is no good and your guy is a creep.  I'm not.  But I think that you need to see him as he really is and not be unrealistic about what has been going on.  You can ask for more.  He may be ready to give it to you now but if I were you, I'd be on the look out.  I'd maybe say after the topless incident that he maybe should forgo such places . . .  but it sounds like you like them too??  But anyway, when a man can't control himself that is scary.  He has to set limits on himself or the relationship with go very wrong eventually.   good luck.  I hope that I'm not upsetting you but I thought I might as well be honest since you ask.  Talk to him about all of this and don't marry unless you do premarital counseling.  You need expectionations and boundaries on the table with an expert guiding you through.  again, goodluck

[imanaddict]

Ok..here we go...and I'm not bashing you at all, just want you to understand something. You allowed him to go to the topless club and that is what happens there. The girls are trying to make money and they put their breasts in men's faces on stage. I've seen it a million times (I waitressed at a strip club for a couple of years long ago). Your boyfriend was intoxicated and let it happen. He could have backed away but didn't. Would he have if he were sober? You have had trust issues in the past and you allowed him to go a strip club. I understand you don't want to sound like his mother by not allowing him to go, and it was good that he asked you first, but you should have said NO WAY! There are other places to go besides strip clubs and they could've very easily gone to a restaurant or sports bar or anywhere else.

He also needs to understand that he broke your trust and that is not easy to get back. It has to be earned and from his actions, he isn't helping himself get that back. He needs to put himself in your shoes. The things he has done will always be in the back of your head. You can either choose to put it behind you and make the jump to totally trust him again or you won't. If you don't think you can put it behind you, the relationship will always be strained. You need to ask yourself if he is really worth it and if you honestly believe he won't ever do it again. Trust your instincts and if you suspect anything other indiscretions, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and move on.

I wish you the best!