Am I over reacting?

[lirbrts1]

For the most part my intuition is usually right on. And recently I have been a little paranoid but I wonder if its just a bunch of things working together to play with my mind.

I am in a fairly new relationship,,we have been dating for almost 4 months. We are both mid 30's and have had past marriages. Not sure how to keep this short sweet and to the point but I will try.

We spend lots of time together, pretty much any spare time we have is together. Because of our living arrangments we do sleep separate  I at my home and he at his. We have talked about moving in together but i am thinking its too soon and would like to learn more about him, but he thinks its more affordable and then we could sleep in the same bed together. He is very family oriented and has already started referring to everything as "ours" , and that I should never go without as long as he can provide. I on the other hand still view things as mine and his, and keep telling him I am not High Maintenance like he is used to living with and all I want is time to spend with him,,not all the material things.(not complaining here, it is very unusual and nice to be spoiled but Im just not used to it and feel like its too much sometimes) So as you can see we really enjoy eachothers company, he texts me all day and calls me several times thru the day while he is working,,,all his spare time is literally with me. HOWEVER, occasionally he has a few drinks and when he does he drunk dials or texts! And its always with other women in his contacts and this REALLY irritates me! I let him know how I feel and he always says I am over reacting and that if he didnt want to be with me that he wouldnt spend so much time with me. He says that how does he have time to cheat on me when he is with me all the time. He says how much more can I give you? I give you so much there is nothing left to give to any other woman> (he is talking about sex). Now these things he tells me is very true, we do spend all our time togehter and we do have sex almost every day and usually several times a day. I am more than satisfied in that department and he insists that he can barely keep up with me let alone finding another woman to give it to.

so here is the dilema: He drops me off at my house the other night, had already had a couple of drinks and tells me he is going home he will call me when he gets there. Of course he never calls, continues drinking and has a two hour period where he is MIA. During this time i get ahold of him and he tells me he is sitting in a parking lot in his truck talking to people on his phone., but then refuses to answer anymore of my calls. So I drive around town and back and forth to his house looking for him for 2 hours. Finally the 4th time of checking his driveway he is there. I let myself in and confront him, time wasted because he was wasted and talking to a drunk will get you no where. So next day after he gets out of work he comes to my house and we are cuddeling in my bed when he flips open his cell and starts to scroll thru his texts. I see one from a particular girl that I prefer he doesnt have contact with and i forced him to go back to it after he passed it. I could see the look on his face of shock when he realized he forgot to erase it. The text read " r u sure you dont wanna hook up tonight?" Now after u hear a very short version of the last 4 months how would you take that text? I must also add that I am PMSing, and get very emotional, BUT seriously!

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, the pattern of codependency is repeated plain and simple. It always is unless one is conscious of it and takes steps to address it.  It is a cycle.  I agree whole heartedly that starting some therapy yourself would be a wonderful thing to do.  You need to understand the underlying draw you have to this.  Our conscousness has a sense of familiarity that will pull you right back in when you meet someone that it reacts to.  You have to see where and why this is happening.  You have to take steps to stop the cycle.

Go to an al anon meeting.  Also, check out what therapists are in the area.  Join a single mom's group or a church.  Sounds wacky--------- but you will find and get support.  

I didn't realize you had a child.  Okay-------------- now I'm firm.  No.  You can not be with this man.  Why would you bring a partier and alcoholic with their chaos into your child's life?  Not fair.  I wouldn't date until you are in a position to make good, healthy choices in a mate.  And start with one that is not into partying at all.  Go an opposite route.  And remember-----------  you date to find what you like and don't like in a person, weigh those together and then decide if it is worth moving on.  Just because you've started dating --------- it is not a given that it is a good relationship and one worth of a future.  I'd look for a guy interested in a family and not the bars.  I say that to you as you have a child and you need to create a safe life for him.  Okay, lecture over.  You seem like a smart woman and that inner voice is telling you this isn't right.  It is hard to listen to when you are caught up in the moment----------  but you have to.  Al anon and therapy is your best bet for discovering how to have a different life.  good luck

[lirbrts1]

I have looked into al anon meetings in my area and plan to attend. Everyone else who commented is right, I am living this relationship with my heart and not my head, i have hopes that things will get better and know that most likely it will not. I keep saying "but what if?"  Miami1323 you are very right,,,,I dont want to be alone! How do I do that? Maybe I do need therapy myself, why is it so hard to be lonely?? I always analyze things and when he is having a bad day I just think, well we just had 3 good days and the good days outway the bad days. TEKO you are right it will eventually be a string of things that will force me to make my move to leave. I so wish I was a stronger person to walk away and say come see me when you are better, but for 2 reasons I do not do this. Reason1: i never give up on people I love..I'll do anything to help them (just wish he would help himself and I cant make him do that) Reason2: I'm a wimp and cant bare the pain of heartache. I just left a marriage of 17 years, and the last 7 were all about me trying to see change in him and begging him for change. being hurt over and over but hoping just maybe there would be change, just maybe if he knew how much i loved him and if he loved me he would change. Every time I asked him to be more like a husband and not a room mate, i asked for a real relationship, everytime i asked him to spend time with me and our son, he told me "that's not me, this is how I am so take me or leave me. If you are so unhappy go find someone else"  Well after hearing that for 5 years and feeling like, if he really loved me he'd hear my words and worry that i am leaving him, finally so many times of being disappointed, sad, angry and ignored you start to loose love for someone. And one day i asked the same question again.." Please lets do something together, I need to feel like you are my husband not just a guy that lives here and occasionally has dinner and sex with me" and again I got the same answer, so i acted on it. Several weeks later I left and he was so friggen shocked! " I dont understand, why? what can I do to change? where did i go wrong? " I still love him as the father of my child, never would want to see anything happen to him, but there is not a chance in hell I would be able to go back and feel like a wife again with him.  So you see, I know I am making the same mistake again!! I am so angry with myself!! and yet i let it continue to happen, my heart lets me make bad choices. If only I could learn how to think with my head and not let my heart over rule....anyone know of a good therapist??? I really dont have another 17 years to try at another relationship...seriously thinkin about giving up on guys all together...I wonder if women are easier to date?

[Ashelen]

Just to add my personal experience...my mom has been an alcoholic all of my life, and even begging her not to drink and drive with me in the car when I was 10 didn't phase her. An addict is no longer in control of themselves, and while it's fine to love the person beneath the addict, you cannot expect rational thought and/or logic out of an addict (such as..."he loves me so he's going to try to fix things")...the addiction will be calling the shots for them until they get help and get clean. Outpatient rehab, in my opinion, is like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound...it may stem the problem but it WON'T fix it, but then that depends on how determined he is.

For future reference, and I don't mean to be accusatory or rude...if you want him to clean up, stop drinking. even occasionally. I don't care how "rarely" you drink, if you're drinking at all it's going to get in the way of his recovery. Once he's sober you may be able to revisit social drinking but it's just not fair of you to drink and ask him to clean up, despite the fact that you don't have a problem. Just something to consider.

Good luck sweetie. no one wants to give up on a relationship with someone they love...but remember to love yourself too and take care of yourself, because right now he's not going to.

[specialmom]

If you are going to continue to date an alcoholic, I highly suggest that you attend some al anon meetings.  This will help you to understand that you do not want to be in a codependency position in a relationship.  It is a real phenomenon.  He can no longer drink------ period.  That includes socially.  And something that needs to be understood is that someone that is recovering from alcoholism has an addictive personality.  Watch for over spending/shopping, gambling, sex addictions, and internet/gaming addictions.  Often if an addictive personality gives up one thing, they find something else to be the "drug".  

And if he is attending outpatient due to a DUI and a court mandated participation, yes.  He will continue to drink.  

I really wish you the best of luck.  I don't want you to think I don't understand where you are coming from.  A long term boyfriend of mine was an alcoholic.  I drove him to Inpatient rehab and left him there.  I told him he gets sober or he does not see me again.  He got out of rehab 30 days later, started drinking again and I haven't seen him in 20 years.  He's still drinking and added drugs to the mix.  Quite sad as he was college educated, a talented musician, athlete at our college and had a bright future ahead of him.  But I would not tie my life to such an unsafe future.  I'm happily married now with two kids and a man that is healthy.  I just wish the same for all women  To not take such risks with their future but to make a choice that gives them the best odds for happiness long term.  If you choose to stay---------  I do hope that he is able to stay sober and that you do not compromise too much along the way.  good luck

[teko]

I think your emotions are already in control of the situation, and it will take something that hurts you very much to really open you eyes. Or maybe a string of things. You know realistically in your head that this is a potentially bad situation you have gotten yourself into, but the heart is ruling your head. You are emotionally already in too deeply to walk away without getting stung first. Good luck in the future, I hope I am wrong for your sake and all works out.

[mami1323]

Here's the thing, he's an alcholic who is still drinking.  It's not going to get any better if he continues to do this.  Obviously he needs more than just outpatient rehab and he won't change for you.  It's only been 4 months, wouldn't you want to start out a new relationship on a better note, with a future that is healthy?  I just feel like maybe you aren't looking at this in the correct perspective.  You can't just say I can control myself when emotions are involved.  If you were using your head instead of your heart in the first place you wouldn't be saying to us that you are going to stay with him.  You will get wrapped up in this, you will stay with hopes that he will recover and be this wonderful man you have always dreamed about, but this isn't reality.  Perhaps maybe you could figure out why you've lowered your standards so much....maybe you don't want to be alone.  Yes, you live apart but I feel like you will settle for just anything.  Because that's what you are doing.  I know you can't tell someone to just up and leave and you can't force someone to walk away when they aren't ready to but you just don't have that much time invested in this relationship and you are already willing to put up with his mistreatment.  He's not a good man when he is choosing drinking over a relationship with you, when he's MIA for hours at a time, texting and calling girls to "hook up" and basically acting beligerant.  I think you need some time for self reflection, maybe get some therapy as well.  This relationship will suck you dry and why let it?  You've only put in 4 months out of your life...not long at all.  What will happen when you realized you have wasted years of your life on this man?  I wish you the best of luck.

[lirbrts1]

Honestly  I would have loved the chance to reply to ALL the feedback. Everyone has good advice and I def. took it all in. I never thought I'd get so many people to read something that I wrote and actually take the time to help me out. THANK YOU  to all of you who responded.

I chose specialmom as best answer mainly because Your answer is how i reacted to the situation in the end. I gave this issue much thought and came to the conclusion:

It is what it is. I have the choice to walk away or stay and deal. Staying and dealing may not be the best answer to my problem here, but honestly Im not the one with the problem he is. I can control myself, i dont over drink (well on a regular basis), i dont drunk dial or text and if I do it's innocent and usually to my sisters. So I figure for now....I'll always keep this past experience with him fresh in my mind, continue to remind myself that there are other fish in the sea, never take him seriously, IM BETTER OFF living alone for now, and just know that someday there is a very good chance I will have tolerated enough and that I HAVE THE CONTROL to walk away. Other than his drinking (and yes he is an alcoholic, and goes to outpatient rehab) he is a good hard working man, I keep my fingers crossed that rehab works but understand most people have relapses and there is a good chance he will as well.

AGAIN THANKS TO ALL OF YOUR RESPONSES! THIS WEBSITE IS GREAT, AND ALL OF YOU ARE GREAT.

[specialmom]

I think everyone learns at their own pace about what they should and should not tolerate in a relationship.  I wish you well lirbrts as you find your way and hope all of the advice here has helped.  Good luck

[mikeysmom750]

Wow...okay...Im just going to be honest here...Im not one who sugarcoats so I hope you do not take offense but WHAT ARE YOU DOING WRITING ABOUT THIS ON HERE? It should be a no brainer! There are a zillion classic signs of a very controlling relationship here (the constant texting, phone calls, together every spare minute, buying you all kinds of things, etc) add onto it the drinking and then his irradic behavior while drinking....plus already wanting to move in after only 4 months? This is nuts! If you really like him and want to give it a shot, back off alittle....so maybe you can see things more clearly! I feel as if you are being suffocated without you even realizing it! Also, by backing off alittle and slowing things down, maybe you will realize how much of your life he has totally taken away! The constant texting and phone calls have got to be exhausting to keep up with and every spare minute together leaves how much time for you? Just you? Alone time? Time with friends? Etc....My best friend was in a relationship that started this EXACT way and it went on for a long time....it was very sad to see her go through it and she to this day is not the same person she was prior. A relationship with all these factors, now add in making you insecure, which is the worst feeling, is not a healthy one! Driving around for hours trying to find him....that is crazy!!! Relationships, well healthy ones, are built on trust and responsibility! Neither of which you seem to have with this guy. And the fact that he doesnt see anything wrong with how his behavior is affecting you by giving you all these reasons why its okay that he corresponds with a woman who wants to "hook up"?? How much then does he really care?! Or even better how much does he respect you?! I would say not much....therefor, its only been 4 months and already all this is happening...I think its time to either back off and seriously slow down, not my preference but an option OR walk away now because these issues are not going to get better! And if you feel like you can or haveto make them better, especially the drinking, your only setting yourself up for alot of heartache! My thoughts go out to you and I pray that you find the strength to do what is best for you. Please open your eyes and take a few steps back and look at him with true and honest opinions! What does your gut say? Without influence of anything? Just your gut instincts? I think they will say get out now! Try to see past the great sex, the materialistic "providing", his constant doding or need to want to be with you all the time and really try and see things from a different point of view, which will only come when you back off alittle and take some space! Remember, those things in which are done to us are only made possible by our own abiltity to allow it! You deserve better, you should want better for yourself....and by putting this post on here tells me you know that somethings not right and that your instincts are telling you hes not mister perfect and there are issues that are bothering you and with plenty of reason! Dont doubt yourself. You are not over reacting! His behavior is bothering you...bottom line! Either accept it and stay with him, back off and see what happens when you tell him you need to slow things down because of these issues, or leave him and his issues behind! Those are your options! Take care and best wishes.....stay strong and dont allow ANYONE to make you second guess yourself like it is YOU who is overreacting!!! Absolutely not...you have every right to be concerned! Im here anytime you want to talk...I am upfront, honest, straight shooting...like I said, after watching my friend go through something similiar, I have no tolerance and I call it like I see it weather the woman is ready or willing to hear it or not! So I sincerely hope I did not offend you and I really hope you find the solution that best fits you and your life! Big Hugs....take care and stay safe.

[Ashelen]

nah I think dud just about sums it up, teko.

you deserve better, lirbits1...move on before this guy hurts you...he's not worth the time it would take to cry while getting over him!

[teko]

dud was supposed to be dude! Eeeks! Sorry

[RockRose]

lirbrts,  I'm not sure why your story had to have so much detail - he's cheating on you and drinking a lot.

You've only wasted 4 months with him,  time to move on.  

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Ugh.  I agree.  Your guy drinks to excess and doesn't handle himself well.  He drives around town after drinking and then calls folks and texts them----------- irresponsible and immature both.  Sorry, but I think he has a little problem.  Second----------  I've known men like your guy.  Maybe the text just means "hey, want to hook up and drink?"  But maybe it means what you think it does.  Either way-------------  I'd not put myself in that situation.  You do sound a little on edge-----------  very tense about your man drinking and hanging out with other women.  Why is that?  Well, he is a partier for sure and somewhere in you-------- your inner voice is telling you something is wrong.  
Do NOT move in with him and slow this relationship down.  Keep it me and him vs. us.  Seriously.  It would be foolish not to at this point.  

good luck.  but, no I don't think you are over reacting.  at all.

[teko]

OH YEAH!  I am right there with red light, red light, STOP!  Put this relationship on pause and look around you. 4 months? Isnt this moving way too fast?  What is the hurry? Do not give up your home, do not move in with him, nor let him move in with you! This guy, altho might be great in bed, shower you with love and affection and shower you with material things, is not who he claims to be. RED LIGHT! You got the rest of your life, rushing this would be disastrous. He may not be cheating now, but shows great potential once the newness of your relationship wanes. And have you ever seen him really angry? I am getting a bad pic there as well especially while drinking. I would be doing a background check on this dud.

[mami1323]

Ok, I'm going to be honest here, there are so many red flags that I don't know if this would be a relationship worth continuing in.  First, he's pressuring you to move in after only 4 months.  It's a lovely gesture but I do believe there is a reason for why he wants to do it so quickly.  Perhaps he wants you in a situation where it's very difficult to walk away from.  Then I agree with jenkaye, the drinking seems to be out of hand.  It's like he doesn't know how to control himself when he's drinking and even though all he does is drunk dial or text, eventually that could lead to other things down the line.  I would be upset seeing a text from a girl asking him to hook up.  Even if it came from her, to have her in his life still when he's obviously committing to you and knows that this girl wants more than a friendship, well she should've been deleted out of his life.  Where was he for those two hours?  I mean, that's a little shady behavior.  I wouldn't be comfortable with that but again, he's a grown man and you don't live together so when he's not around you he's got the freedom to come and go as he pleases.  But that is up to you whether you can tolerate him disappearing like that.  This relationship isn't starting off on the greatest foot.  You don't need these many issues so soon because then how will it be later on down the road.  He sounds like he has a lot of weaknesses and that would worry me.  I would rethink this relationship.  

[jenkaye21]

If I understand correctly, the text was from HER??  That makes it a litle bit better, but still, geez, I would be upset.  Did he reply, or don't you know?
Although it seems, from the amt of time you spend together, that he probably is not cheating.  However, the fact that he does things while drinking that he doesn't remember (or wouldn't do if he was sober) is a BIG concern.  Could he be an alcoholic??  It seems like you have reason to be concerned about him everytime he goes somewhere for drinks.  Personally, I would not want to have to worry this way.  You are right not to move in with him.  Maybe it is your gut.  Since this is a fairly new relationship, I would see how things progress, but if you're not sure what he's doing while drinking, and if he continutes to drink, chances are things are gonna go wrong.