Am I over-reacting?

[JimboTorrence]

I know I am about to seem like an absolute crazy, insane, psycho after I finish this, but I'd like to hear outside opinions. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now, and we fight, fight, fight alllllll the time. Everyone I have talked to says that your first year is always the hardest, but Jesus!


From the begining...


When we first started dating, he had an ex-girlfriend who would text him all the time and call him every night. I gave it a month, then spoke my mind. I told him that out of respect for me, you need to make her aware that you are with me and that if you guys are friends that's it, the constant texting needs to stop while you're on my time.


So, he talks to her...then, I read a text that was basically saying our relationship was a joke, and that no girl is good enough for him other than her. Just to add (he is military), she lives in TX., his home state, and him and I are in MD. So, I guess that sums it up that this girl and I have never even met nor spoken.


I understand that she may be bitter, since they were together for quite awhile, but I don't pass judgement when a relationship is over. Anyhow, it didn't stop, she would continue to text, and he would ignore. So, after one night his phone goes off and wakes me up (we're married at this point) so I grabbed it to silence it (it was 2:30am) and I noticed it was her. I read the text and it says; "I know I shouldn't say this, but I love you...". I texted her back and basically said that she needs to get a grip and get over it, his in "our" bed, in my arms, and not her with.


This back and forth ordeal has been going on for a year now. He will not tell her to **** off, because he feels that they are still friends in his eyes, no matter what she believes.


I understand that they grew up together and he cares about her well being, but if she doesn't respect me, she doesn't respect him (in my eyes).


I've found him in little lies about her over this year. It's nothing big, basically her being obsessive and him being passive. He never once has made an inappropriate comment to her that I have seen, but what she says to him is too much. He feels if he just lets her say it, it will save an arguement with her, but what about me?! HIS WIFE?! Do I not matter?!!! Except, I just found text messages he sent her that were pictures of himself that followed with I will talk to you tomorrow. I confronted him and he said that I am redic. for acting this way and there is no reason why he can't talk to her if they are just friends. He says he has never cheated on me and never will. I don't believe that he has cheated on me, or that he will. Just maybe that we need a little break. I don't think this is fair, and I do not find it okay, but is it?


Also, I have a lot of anger issues of my own. I've always been the dominate person in a relationship and what I said went, but I understand in a marriage it's give and take. Some things I do, make sense in my mind, but are really never valid, or justified. I've gone as far as cracking into his MySpace because he will never talk about anything (HE DOES NOT LIKE CONFRONTATION) and I'm a very in your face kind of girl. If something bothers me, we need to talk. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a child or a brick wall when I tell him about my issues and ask for feedback and his opinion.


I'm getting sick of the eye rolling, and ignoring, and huffing and puffing. I've now some how because violent to get my point across. I will throw things, hit him, ect. Which makes me feel like an idiot and a child. I'm getting to the point where I feel like an emotional wreck and I think I need anger management. I've always thought that crying was a weakness and I never let anyone in. I built up such a strong wall, and now I've let it down...and since I have I feel like he's just building his up higher and stronger.


We've talked about divorce multipule times, but we never follow through. Finally 2 nigths ago, he looked me in the eyes and said we aren't going to work. I basically looked like an idiot, and cried my eyes out and told him that we can't give up and that I need to gotto anger management and our communication needs to improve. We're on out last chance and this is it. By the way I feel like one of those idiot girls who won't let go, when it seems like the should.



But when I think about it, I'm in love and when I cry he tells me all will be okay and that we just have some issues to deal with and take care of. But the thing is his actions speak louder than words it seems, when he acts as a child. He's always been the kind of person who just sits there and looks at you as you spill your heart out. He doesn't give any feed back and always tells me that I am over reacting.



Basically, I'd like opinions.

[JimboTorrence]

to correct something that I said...the text about no girl being good enough was made from her not him.

[teko]

First of all.  You are both controlling in your own ways. You, up front and personal and in your face kind of way and he is passive aggressive, (meaning he will usually just sit there and roll his eyes, pull cap down over eyes, pretend to be asleep) and goes the extra mile to not confront an issue.

Secondly, it is not right what he is doing, but you demanding and getting huffy puffy, threatening and all that will make a personality like him continue his ways. It is always better to use sugar when dealing with a mate if you truly want to change something in the relationship.

Thirdly, he is absolutely right when he says, you will not make it. If things continue on the path they are on, it def will not work.

Counseling, alone or together may be a good idea, as well as visiting a doctor to see if you need meds to help the anger.


I have been where you are and trust me.  If something does not give soon, your emotions will. Get out or get fixed.  As long as he is there, he has chosen you for his mate. Remember that when you are getting so mad.

[kjbandme]

I think you are over-reacting, but it seems rightly so. What he is allowing from this girl is not right, but neither do I think you are handling it very well... although you lasted longer than I would have. I would have probably never married him until he understood how it was a breech of trust and inappropriate for him to continue his communication with this ex... but it seems more you are worn down by the situation, thus your short fuse, understandably, but know you are hurting yourself. We are not meant to be angry all the time, it stresses your body and your mind, it ages you, darkens you. Do what you can to let the anger go in this, and all parts of your life.

This situation is going to be tricky no matter how you slice it.  Can you get away for a while?  away from him, her texts, etc. just to calm down enough to see/think clearly. That would be a good first step.

I don't think it's true that you're not gonna make it, this is only true if you change nothing. I found that changing just one thing changes the whole thing. I don't know if that makes sense, but maybe counseling will help you articulate just what it is about this that doesn't work for you and then you can spell out to him how his actions affect you.  If he doesn't hear it or care, you're better off without him.

Not in an ultimatum kind of way, but "when you do this, I feel this way and it hurts our relationship. I will not be able to stay with you if you continue communication. What you decide to do with this information is now up to you."  Then give it some time and be ready to walk. People, especially men I think, seem to understand action. Especially in this case where he's already heard it all from you.

But the lesson here-- never allow in the beginning of the relationship something that is not okay with you! It was wise of you to give it some time at first and then speak up, but to let it go beyond that was the first misstep.

For now I say, take a time out from the relationship, maybe the holidays coming up?

[RockRose]

Sometimes,  marriages are a mistake.  If you don't have any kids it's time to consider getting out now.

I don't know what friends you have who say the first year is the hardest - typically,  the first year is called the "honeymoon",  and you are still so in love that things go smoothly.  

He is so flattered by this girl he isn't giving her obsession up - he wants it and needs it.  And he doesn't really care that it hurts you,  he just still wants it.

Admitting a mistake early - BEFORE kids come along - is better.

[RockRose]

I just read your other post.  

You're actively trying to get pregnant,  and you're 19.  You are making a HUGE mistake,  girl,  and it's because you're too young to know this.

Get Dr. Laura Schlessinger's !0 Stupid Things Girls Do To Mess Up Their Lives.  Believe it.

Take this slower,  and put it in order.  First,  be happily married THEN try to get pregnant.

Best wishes.

[JimboTorrence]

I understand that you are trying to help, but if you could, I'd really like you not to judge me off of my choices for prenancy but placing me in the category with stupid girls. If you knew the whole story and situatution, then maybe you could speak...if even then, I personally do not want to hear that.


Obviously, pregnancy will have to be post-poned until we work things out. If you're going to speak, speak to me, not at me or down to me as if I am a child. That is, even if my age seems to set off an alarm to not respect me as an adult in any shape or form because I am. If you do not feel that way, don't let the door hit you on the way out.


As far as divorce goes, that's taking the easy way out.


And RockRose, are you married? If so, congrats you've had such a great first year of marriage, some of us aren't that lucky. I would especially believe that the first year would be hard, dating is easy. You might hang out all of the time, and spend every hour you can together, but you always have your own place to go and the end of the day...if you chose. Then, you get married and you can't escape this person, even if it's the smallest pet peeve they triggered like forgetting to pick up their clothes off of the bathroom floor after you asked several times before. If you're with someone all of the time, husband, wife, parents, best friend, co-worker...chances are you will find little quirks and even annoyances.



Anyhow, Teko, thank you. We will be soon taking a break, he is going on leave and I am not coming with for 2 weeks, it does bother me because she lives in TX, but I don't believe that anything will happen. I'm sure if it did go past a point of comfort that I would find out, one way or another.

[holly_b]

RR- It is actually said a lot that the first year is the hardest, I believe this was said before people started living together prior to marriage. I think the reasons are as the OP stated; adjusting to spending ALL your time with your spouse, constantly having to consider another person etc. basically it is a period of adjustment. I am not married, so I don't know if this is right or wrong. Just saying that I have heard of this also.

Jimbo: I'm sorry you're having a hard time. A break is probably a good idea. I understand where you are coming from. I also would have a very hard time being OK with a husband who constantly spoke to an ex-girlfriend especially one who still has feelings for him. I would find that difficult even if it were just a boyfriend. I think that as your husband he should absolutely respect your insecurities about his ex. You should come first in this situation. I do not judge you for the anger that has resulted from this situation. I would probably lash out in some way too if i felt unsupported and alone as I think you do. I am glad you realize that the anger issues are not solving anything. It is because of your lashing out that I agree with the break. In my opinion, the best way to work through the problems and decide whether the marriage is worth saving is couples counseling.This is just an observation but it may be that it is an ego boost for him to receive messages from her like the ones you described.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

[SeriousSam]

Isn't Dr. Schlessinger the physical therapist who posed nude for her lover during her first marriage and later got a talk show?  Whose son posed half naked with a pistol in his mouth claiming he raped women.

The same woman who according to one excerpt:

"In 1978 while working at USC, she met Dr. Lewis G. Bishop, who was married but separated with dependent children. According to divorce filings, Schlessinger and Bishop began an affair. Bishop left his wife after more than 20 years of marriage, and moved in with Schlessinger. They lived together as an unmarried couple, and Schlessinger tried to get pregnant after reversing an earlier tubal ligation and suffering an ectopic pregnancy. They married in early 1985-- eight years after beginning their relationship-- and Bishop became Schlessinger's business manager. Schlessinger bore their only child, Deryk Schlessinger, in November 1985, when she was 38."

[SeriousSam]

Teko as usual has pretty good advice.  I'd listen to her.

[RockRose]

Jimbo,  I wish you well.  

And yes, I am married.    Going on 25 years.   I'm not lucky -  I chose very,  very wisely.  

You're 19,  you have a sucky marriage,  and you're trying to get pregnant.  Everyone can call me whatever they want,  you are making a big HUGE mistake.

And SeriousSam,   I wouldn't trade your bad life decisions for Dr. Laura Slessingers.  At least she came out on top - despite youthful mistakes - you are still struggling with your anger with women and loss of your family.

Sometimes,  being sweet and huggy isn't the way to go.  Sometimes,  you have to scream look ahead,  you are about to make some very,  very serious mistakes.  

[SeriousSam]

Your right.  I should have tried harder to raise a rapist, homosexual so so that he could credit my lifes work.

And for your marriage? With all your anger towards men? I wouldn't axactly call it a success.

[RockRose]

SS,  I can't tell what you are saying in that post,  it seems very  bizarrely worded.  

I don't have anger towards men.  I have a beloved husband,  and three teenage sons.  I love men.  

I think almost anyone here,  who agrees or disagrees with my philosophies,  would say I usually fall on the side of agreeing with men.  

Maybe it's time for you to put down the glass and head to bed?

[holly_b]

If you don't like what some one is saying you should just ignore it. You asked for opinions on a public forum and you got them. I think almost everyone here Rockrose included did their best to give you beneficial advice. If you don't like it ignore it, it's as simple as that.

[fung]

I think you should consider to see that girl if it possible and talk directly to her , considering that you are 'The wife' and not just girlfriend. Seems that your husband cannot do it himself. If your husband has mutual feeling as you about keeping the marriage work , then he should let you do it.
Reading your post " I'd like your opinions" , I think RR just did what you asked, so don't offend if it's not suit you.

To. RR
I think most of SSam opinions is very positive and straight to the point and  didnt see any hidden anger nor anything.

[kjbandme]

Jimbo,  it was actually me that suggested the break (not teko) but okay, I'm being silly, I'm just so glad you're taking a break!!!  two weeks is a good amount of time, that will help clear your head. Maybe try to keep communication minimal during that time.  Now you should stop listening to certain people here who are not helping your anger management :)  I think it was Kurt Vonnegut that said best-- if someone makes you feel as if you've lost a pint of blood after being with them (or talking to them on a forum)  avoid this someone like the plague.
PS. I'm not a big fan of LS or anyone who talks down to women of any age.

[Agiesmom]

Jimbo, whether you like the way the message was delivered or not, RockRose gave you good advice.  You'd be very smart to take it.

And anger management is definitely in order.  I don't care how angry someone makes you, you need to get your reactions and anger under control.  Especially if you're planning to have children.  Sweet babies who adore you and who are attached to you usually become independent, and often challenging, adolescents (and they may even think you’re an old hag or old-fashioned ______ who doesn’t know anything).  You need to set a good example for your child and be able to calmly and effectively handle all stages of development, not just the breastfeeding/poopy diaper stage.

[treazzure007]

i didn't even read anybody else's comment b/c im rushing

just wanted to tell you that you and your husband are married and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you are to come first.  the first thing my hubby and i did after marriage was change our phone numbers.  no more exes to call, text, write, nothing b/c neither of us believe in them.  we gave our new number to family and friends.  you both should have done that to begin your lives anew.  do it now.  unless he shares assets or children w/ that lady, there's no reason for a married man to be communicating w/ a lady who regards him in a ROMANTIC light

[JimboTorrence]

Sorry, kjbandme, after I posted I did realize you were the one with the comment and as far as RR goes, I did ask for advice and I got it, but has anyone ever heard "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all." To all, I'm sure if someone was telling you that you had a sucky marriage and so on and so forth you wouldn't be all smiles. I don't like being talked down to, or talked at. I am human, just like you, so I expect respect, not to be talked to as if I am a child. Idc what age I may be, I'm 19, I got married young, it wasn't a mistake in my eyes we're just going through a rough patch. I asked for advice from women who maybe had similar issues once or are going through them now. If you've been living the white picket fence life, most likely you're not going to truly understand where I am coming from, not saying you couldn't offer good advice. As far as children go, please do not even get me started. I've been going through a lot with this.


"Normal" women have a biological clock that ticks until their 40's or 50's, but how would you feel if you were 19 and you had something growing inside of you taking away or sliming your chances of creating a child of your own? Do you know how that feels to be faced with this at 19? To think that you will not be able to concieve your own child and look at him and think; "Wow, you have your daddies nose and mommies eyes?". It's hard pill to swallow at my age. I've been through a lot, aside from my marriage and endometriosis, I'm not claiming to have the wisdom of an 80 year old women, or know all the right answers, but for me being sensitive, chill out.


I just all a matter of opinion, and appreciate the useful advice I have recieved.

[Agiesmom]

Um...you wrote here describing a sucky marriage and asked for opinions.  You posted that your husband keeps in touch with an ex who still has the hots for him, he refuses to tell her to back off and cut all ties with her (totally disrespecting you), he has lied to you numerous times about it, and rolls his eyes and huffs at you when you try to talk to him about it, you've discussed divorce several times and he's recently looked you in the eyes and calmly said it's not going to work...AND you get into fights that result in physical violence.  If that's not sucky, I can't even begin to imagine what would constitute "sucky" in your eyes.

I guess to those with good relationships, that seems sucky.  And I would think that someone who does not have that kind of relationship could offer better advice than someone who is in the same situation, trying to figure it all out, too.

But, hey...I guess it's a matter of perspective.

[JimboTorrence]

Screw you, screw you all minus about 1 or 2. Block or ban me if you'd like.

[KATE535]

I was to comment on the actual story Jimbo has put forward not on the debate after...

Jimbo, I can safely say I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I understand completely you're anger and pain from all this... because I've been through it, in many ways like you have. I didn't go down the path of violence myself but went through emotional turmoil and pain at my partners relationship with his ex wife...

My partner and his wife separated after he put up with emotional and physical abuse from her, he finally had had enough, left, and fell in love with me. When he left her, she begged him to stay. He (being a very kind-hearted person) felt sorry for her and so agreed they'd remain friends when he left. It wasn't long before we moved in together after that, as he got a place for us to live. Things were good except he warned me that it was important to him to be ammicable to his ex wife as 'that's the sort of person I am' he'd say. I wasn't jumping for joy over the prospect of her being in touch often but held back (as you do in a new relationship) I too tolerated it for a couple of months - phonecalls from her a couple of times a day, him agreeing to meet her once or twice a week, they went to the gym together once. But I was beginning to feel like the third party. I was getting more and more unhappy until one evening it came out...
I told him 'you can't keep trying to please two women' - I was holding back here. I was being plesant but was finally opening up to him.
He agreed what he was doing was unfair to me, he phoned her up to tell her that this 'friendship' can't work, she needs to move on, and that she won't move on while this regular contact is continuing. He at least did that for me, so I was grateful for now. A few weeks passed and things started again - she started calling him. He promised (after a more heated argument) that he'd block her number, only he never did. He would promise to stand up to her but everytime they spoke on the phone in my presence he was kind to her and softly-spoken, he'd agree to check her car for her once!!
I evetually got nastier towards him about her and almost obsessive about him and her - bringing her up all the time (why, I don't know) - asking 'has she been in touch at work today?' 'what did she want?' Compulsive questioning.
It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I knew he loved me and was trying to keep her off his back mostly. But eventually I realised he was being disrespectful to me and our relationship allowing this to go on, just to please her. She seemed the more important of us both.
We argued on and off over her for months - our once perfect relationship deterriorated drastically. Eventually I told him it's me or her - I had nothing else to give. I gave him the ultimatum and I was deadly serious. Either he wanted us to work or he didn't. He had left his marriage - the past is where it belonged. Ultimately he chose me. It was important to give him the choice as I wasn't forcing any control over his decsion. It was up to him.
HE LEFT HER FOR A REASON. The same applies to your man - they need to realise that when they are trying to please the ex's - that realtionship ended and had no future - why hold on to it.
So I understand your hurt, really I do.
As for advice, going with the way we moved forward, he needs to make a choice - give him the option You, or Her. Tell him there can be no, Both. It will destroy your reltionship. Then you will see what is important to him - you or his ex.

When she is gone your realtionship will be brighter happier trustworthy - it was for me.

Best of luck :-)

[JimboTorrence]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY.


  Him and I sat down and had a talk last night. I have my insecurities due to this issue simply because I've never invested so much of myself into a relationship, therefore, I feel vanerable.

  I don't believe I have truly explained my husband to the full effect, I feel I made him out to be a temporary, non-caring, husband. He has explained the constant annoyance and eye rolling is due to my insucurities, even though I do not find that to be the correct way to go about things, but I do understand.


  I've tried to be relaxed about his ex because I honestly think...to the point of being positive to say that I KNOW he would NOT cheat on me nor ever has. He is with me and he is with me for a reason.


  We sat down and he explained that he doesn't feel that it is fair that he must lose all contact, he thinks if he just says hello, or asks how she is doing, then there isn't much harm in reply since they grew up together and dated for awhile, him also being involved with her family (it's like his second family) and his sister and his ex are best friends. His romantic feelings ended almost 3 years ago for her, even though hers remain...his has not changed. He said that they do not talk on a regular basis, but every once in a while and it doesn't past just shooting the breeze.


  He is just upset that I have a lack of faith in him lately and his trust hs remained the same. He is with me, not her and it's just that simple, that;s something that I must accept.


I appologize to all who I may have offended, I just don't like being kicked when I'm done, I don't believe that anyone is. If you feel like you have invested your feelings so much, and if you're like me and it's not in your character to open up to anyone, you wouldn't take kind to hearing people bash on your marriage even if it does seem "sucky", I think the sitiuation is very sh*tty, but  my marriage isn't.

[mami1323]

I feel you and completely understand all that you feel.  The anger and rage comes from frustration and lack of control.  I've been there and still do go through it.  My fiance are in couples counseling and it's to learn how to communicate more effectively.  It's hard sometimes to let your guard down, that fear of getting hurt is so hard to get around sometimes.  We tend to sabotage things subconciously just because of our insecurities.  But honestly, if you are uncomfortable with the contact he should respect your feelings.  Again, you are number 1 and he needs to start treating you like that.  If he knows she has feelings, he should cut off contact with her.  If that is going to make you happy.  I'm wondering how he would feel if you were in contact with one of your ex's?  He needs to respect your feelings and therefore you will respect his.  You have to learn to deal with your anger but he needs to learn how to respect your wishes.  He has to live his life with you, not her, so he needs to come to terms that he can't have both you and her in his life like that.

[Candicane101]

This is the best way to answer a question posted from a upset, hostile teenage kid! And you say your the type of person that is close up and in your face type of chick! So let me speak bluntly and will not sugar coat anything!

You posted this question mainly to vent about your issue within your marriage, Sound advice was giving to you from RockRose. How dare you attack anyone when your the person looking for self help.

Don't act as if this is something that has just started to happen in your marriage this was an issue before you said " I DO" You should of voiced your opinion on this matter to your man before he became your HUSBAND! But oh no, you thought you will be able to change what he does when you got married!

This is a petty *** issue in your marriage that can be resolved. Come back when you have some experience under your belt, Raising Kids, married for a length of time, Bills, Kids, a Job, (This is a list of real issues)....Not some dam text messaging that is kiddie ****!

Your Quote: I know I am about to seem like an absolute crazy, insane, psycho after I finish this

Your none of the above...Your just a lost child trying to play grown up at the age of 19 you wanted to play adult.....NOW DEAL WITH IT!

[KATE535]

You shouldn't be patronising her - you're merely one year older than her yourself !!! You're being a hypocrite !! You can hardly talk about life experiences yourself.
You are hatdly on this question offering advice - merely criticising her, and she did apologise.
RockRose has offended people on here before if you look. I'm not critising her just pointing out she is opinionated and can seem harsh.
Try to offer helpful advice - maybe if you've been in a similar situation yourself?!

[BabyHardiman]

The truth hurts sometimes.

[kjbandme]

I know this is a hard situation and I hear your pain and frustration, but let this be your strength.  Stay true to your feelings, the feelings that compelled you to post in the first place!!  persevere! He will come around to your side of things but not if you let him explain away things that you KNOW are wrong.  

Anyway, I had just one other question. You say you guys fight all the time, is it just about this or other things?

I'm just wondering 'cause sometimes it's easy to focus on ONE thing that is clearly wrong than to look at the whole constellation of a possible mismatch.

Just a thought.

and okay, here goes a few reactions to your most recent post, when you say:
... he explained that he doesn't feel that it is fair that he must lose all contact, he thinks if he just says hello, or asks how she is doing, then there isn't much harm...  

this is wrong, the harm is that it's hurting you and your feelings are valid...when you say:
... since they grew up together and dated for awhile, him also being involved with her family (it's like his second family) and his sister and his ex are best friends...
this is wrong same reason, it's hurting you, does that feel fair?
you say His romantic feelings ended almost 3 years ago for her, even though hers remain...his has not changed. He said that they do not talk on a regular basis, but every once in a while and it doesn't past just shooting the breeze.

this is wrong !   when she tells him there's no woman better than her for him that is definitely way past shooting the breeze...HE KNOWS HER FEELINGS FOR HIM REMAIN and he is keeping that door open !! (even if he does not have feelings toward her) he is feeding/encouraging her by keeping that door open.

what he needs to do is break HER heart, not yours.

if he can't do it, maybe you need to draw a hard line.

also, I'm curious, what did you mean by this

"Normal" women have a biological clock that ticks until their 40's or 50's, but how would you feel if you were 19 and you had something growing inside of you taking away or sliming your chances of creating a child of your own? Do you know how that feels to be faced with this at 19?

sorry if I missed something...

[JimboTorrence]

I have endometriosis.


And whoever the 20 year old is telling me I need experience in under my belt, are these words of wisdom from your previous life? I hope you don't think because I'm Nine TEEN and you're a big TWENTY that you feel you're miss know it all. If we live in a world of technology, where text messaging is a way of communication, I believe it's valid. I guess if a friend texted you and said; "Hey, 'so and so' died..." it wouldn't be anything to worry about since they told you in such a "kiddie" way.  If you B*tches, yes B*tches are going to attack me (to the "women" who have) take your anger out else where. This isn't high school, so if you see that offended RR or whoever...you don't have to stick up for "ya girl". I'm sure she won't take you off her friends list or worse...just say rude stuff to you.


Whoever said the truth hurts, let me tell you this...


IF RR WERE TO SAY, that I were in a sucky situation and not have play DR. Rock Rose as if she knew every detail about my husband and I, I would have acted differently. If someone is to talk about something that you love or care about, you would defend it, so just shut up for all of those who are trying to gang up on a 19 year old. And what I find so funny, I sent a message to rock rose, was pretty decent without being rude...just expressing my feelings, appologized on the board...then...it was Miss 20 year old talking about life experience....and 50 year old women attacking me. SERIOUSLY! If you're going to talk sh*t, b*tch about me to your little friends on here...not me.

[RockRose]

You want to post your note to me,  and my reply back yesterday,  Jimbo?

If you don't still have it,  I do,  and would certainly be willing to share it with everyone.  "Pretty decent without being rude??"   I don't think so.

Yes,  actually,  per your question,  I DO remember being 19.  

We can all only try to figure out your situation based on the words you post on this forum,  and you need to hear what I am trying to tell you.  Even if it doesn't seem very positive.

[SeriousSam]

You accuse me of being harsh but now you are being petulant.

Why don't you back off a bit and ease off on the in your face attitude.  If you have a message worth passing on no one is going to listen when it is delivered this way.

[RockRose]

I'm not being petulant,  I'm still believing in the message.  I think my message is still worth passing on.

Sometimes,  not everyone knows what goes on behind the scenes.  You can't know what messages you get,  that make you realize you are right,  and to still communicate this.

Have I accused you of being harsh,  SS?  I've accused you of being against women,  for sure,  although to your credit you have done an about face recently.  So kudos for that.  

I think this message of making SURE you have a good marriage - in your heart and mind - before you try to get pregnant,  is still something everyone needs to hear.

[BabyHardiman]

Boy does this sound familiar!  This way ME last week.

Yes, the truth DOES hurt sometimes.  You are more than welcome to look back at my posts, in my profile, and see that I am not sticking up for anyone.  A very wise person opened my eyes just a short time ago, and had it not been for HER advice my life would still be upside down right now.

You are an angry person... you spout out anger in every response no matter who it is to.  I KNOW first hand what it feels like to be that angry.. it hurts.

You do not have to "defend" what you know in your heart is a healthy relationship.  I feel you anger stems from having to defend what you know is a very unhealthy way of living.  

In my opinion your husband is disrespecting you and is humiliating YOU with his texting this woman.  He has no consideration for your feelings.  In some way I believe he feels he needs this woman in his life for some kind of validation... some void that only she can fill.. why else would he not tell her to be gone.  You are his wife, YOU should be the woman whose feelings he is protecting, not this other woman.  Yet here you are defending HIM to all of us, to people who really don't know you, and who don't know your husband.  You are hurting inside.  This is not normal behaviour for a mature woman who is happy and confident.  He took those things away from you, now it's time that he return them to you.. and you shouldn't have to work for it either.



Serious Sam -

I do hope that you will find some help for yourself.  You are forever throwing around accusations that ARE NOT true.  I remember you attacking me on a thread because you saw ONE SENTENCE you didn't like.... you completely ignored every other valid point that I had.  

From experience with Rock I know for a FACT that she mainly favors the man.  I hope that one day you will find a woman like her to share your life with.    

[kjbandme]

I am ignoring all the in-fighting, speaking directly to you-- it's a matter of maturity, not your age and a matter of your personal feelings and circumstance. After all YOU are the only one that has to live with the choices you make.

so please don't waste your energy fighting people here, believe it or not, I believe they are trying to help in whatever wise or misguided ways, I believe their intention is good even if their style or delivery sets your hair on end.  Better to focus that energy on the choices you face.  Consider what is being said, even if you think they're being rude about it, just take what feels right to you and ignore the rest.

I don't know the extent of your endometriosis but I do know a thing or two about feeling that dreadful awful feeling of 'what if I can't have a baby'  I'm 41 and pregnant for the first time under very  very very un-ideal circumstances. I thought I would be so happy if ever I got pregnant. But it's complicated. Yet even so I feel that I have to consider very carefully whether to keep this man who is very unsupportive and whether to keep this pregnancy which has been problematic and debilitating.

I think it's very wise of you to postpone pregnancy until things are a bit more resolved and you feel you can handle your anger (I hear kids can try even the most steady of tempers!!)

I am saying again, that I think your husband is being very disrespectful to you and it's best if you take some time to think things over.  I don't think things will get better without some serious effort and commitment on both of your parts... counseling? I also don't think it's a great idea to bring a child into a situation where tempers are flying and a lot of hurting each other is going on. Smart to wait on that.

I hope he wises up.  I hope you honor your feelings and that you both find a way to communicate and not fight all the time.

wishing you all the best.

[momagain59]

So, why do you think he is keeping in contact with her? Do you really think that they won't get together when he goes home for 2 weeks? Why is he choosing his text relationship with her over his marriage with you? Do you think that there is something missing in your marriage and he is getting whatever that is from her? No, I don't think you are over reacting. Just because he is with you and married to you, that doesn't mean that you can trust him or should have to put up with this. I would be more worried about who he is disrespecting than who she is disrespecting. He is disrespecting you everytime he is contacting her.

[teko]

OMG!  I am a clan member now! RR, you sure can stir the pot!  Someone said I was young and needed to grow up.  Hmmm, if I grow any more, I will be 6 ft under.   I am 56 years old and raised six of my own and now they all got their own.  Rock aint no spring chick either!  I am really seriously thinkin of not responding to these sites, everyone just wants to fight!

[teko]

By the way, I went to anger management classes once and they made me mad so I never went back!  lol    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[justice6920]

**To all the ladies (and men ) on here that frequent this forum... I have seen nothing but HONEST and GOOD advice come from you! weather its not always what wants to be heard... sometimes its what NEEDS to be heard......

JimboTorrence: I hope all works out with you and your hubby.... but in order for that to happen he does need to PUT his wife first... there are different stages in every ones life and when a man takes a wife its time to put all others aside...It doesnt matter weather or not he has been friends with her since childhood and that his sister is her best friend.... Its time to start his own family and they (meaning YOU) should come first.... Its a disrespect to you that he still speaks to her.... I hope you two are able to work things out! Good Luck

[JimboTorrence]

Thanks for the advice, apparently everyone has just started bashing on each other. My hubby and I had a talk, he corrected the situation and we're good. Obviously, I can't post something without starting an uproar in the community. Oh well, how you guys work your internet differences out. TTYL.

[RockRose]

Jimbo,   if all it took to solve your huge differences was a conversation,  I'm surprised you didn't try to that in the first place before posting this long winded appeal for help.

[Candicane101]

That was my point in my post above

[fung]

Reading all the above posts are amazing-it's like a WAR ZONE, REALLY!!!!
I dont know why I can't find my post here, may be it was deleted, so I want to say it again to you because I think it might give you a thought from different angle.
I think it's that girl -who keep text messaging your husband -who disrespect you as the wife- not your husband. So if you want to keep your marriage, go find that girl and talk to her.

[fung]

to. add
Tell her to stop doing it because he is now your husband and you dont want her to keep disturbing your relationship.
Stop blaming your husband .Some men just do not know what to do in situation like this.

[SeriousSam]

It is kind of sad that so many people would over react in a post about over reactind?

[kjbandme]

Sad?!  it's hilarious Sam !!!!

overreacting begets overreacting !!!

people are funny !!!!!!!!!!!  thanks Sam. You are the bestest funniest in the world!!!!

oh wait, I think I'm exaggerating, overreacting!!!  :)

hahahahaha


hey Jimbo, good for you, if he is correcting the problem that's what  you wanted. Remember to hold him to it!!!!  best of luck to you.

as for everyone else-- I doubt you would be so harsh on Jimbo or anyone else to their face.  it is cowardly and sad how people get on these forums.

I think I'll sign off-- when people come here for help the last thing they need is a beating.

[Sunes]

My advise: DON'T GET PREGNANT !!!!!!!  .
Myself I don't believe in ex girls being friends.....she obviously is working on him and you are reacting ...and acting angry towards your husband...!!!!
Ingore her and  take care of your man...I think ex is succeding...because he said that it will not work...so maybe he is longing the times with his ex...because YOU are always flipping out.
Stop ..think and make  decision.

Did you get married for wrong reason???ask yourself that!!!

[PrettyKitty1]

Very calmly I will write this:

In my true, honest opinion, RR has given the best advice, the best!!. I'd do EXACTLY as she says because being with a husband who disrespects me is certainly being in a sucky, very sucky marriage.

[Sunes]

Sorry....I forgot to add.....quote: "Everyone I have talked to says that your first year is always the hardest, but Jesus! "...what a bunch of C R A P .
You got married because you love your husband and great times before marriage were awsome...remember????.....after you knew he is yours ...what happen with these romantic evenings and  dining out...looking at stars etc times?
you think that the marriage is a validation of  enslaving  someone...well it's not it should be the same as it was before marriage...that's why you decided to marry this guy!!! what happened???This ex girl in my eyes can win ....be  careful..... My first year was TREMENDOUSLY romantic and fun. I have been married for 34 years and still going..It's what you make of your marriage...so stop being jelous......and start acting to win your husband over again.

[Sunes]

Jimbo...reading your outbursts ...??? no wonder the ex is winning you HUSBAND over.
You should stop and think....why you married him????

[Sunes]

Please read another post  in this forum...."I don't love my husband and my child" .
You don't want to get to this situation by having a child and than what??????
You need to grow up a bit!!! you are just beginning your life....get help.

[kayakka]

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

(if ayone sees anything offensive in this, then they definitely need a shrink)

[Baba123]

..if you do not like what some ladies wrote......don't apply it...but they are giving you sound advise..........so take it!!!!   you are only how old???  19...boy...oh boy.... and you think you know married life? I feel for ya.

[SeriousSam]

I think this has alread been covered?

[jb8176]

Hi. If you read some of the posts I have had up, you may not think that I have any business giving anyone advice...however, I feel very strongly about your situation and would like to give you my opinion...
You are overreacting...but only to a point. The fact that he wants to remain friends with his ex is one thing, but the kinds of messages she is sending him are absolutely inappropriate for a married man to be recieving from ANYONE let alone his ex! He should take your feelings seriously, and decide which is more important to him...his MARRIAGE to you, or his FRIENDSHIP with her.
Also, if you are both TRULY committed to working this out, maybe you should both consider going to couples counseling...I know it isn't for everyone, but getting an outside professional opinion may shed some light on things that neither of you have ever considered before.
And, I can relate with feeling that you have been driven to anger management, because I feel the same way. If you really think that your anger is out of control (in that you can no longer control the frequency or severity of the outbursts) then you should definitely seek out some help. It is never weak to ask for help.
I really do wish you both luck, and hope you can come to some sort of resolution that leaves you both feeling satisfied.

Jessica

[Baba123]

What was covered? her age or the advise part.
I tend to give my opinion based on reading original post not  the answers.

[JimboTorrence]

WELL, THANK YOU! Like I said before, my husband and I worked out of differences. We are working together and things are showing through. My father just passed on Thanksgiving, he took his life due to whatever reason. I honestly couldn't careless about the ex, simply because it's DONE and OVER it's SQUASHED, ENDED, SHE'S GONE. Thank you to all of the men and women for your advice, I guess it was good hearing the good, bad & ugly because the ugly helped me see that I honestly must care enough to want the "good" to come back. I married my husband for a reason, therefore that is why we are still married. To those who think I need help, well sh*t maybe I do. To those who agree me with, that's great. Either way, this is just a forum with both ignorance and wisdom. Sometimes you get what you need to hear and some more. If you all would like to stop posting to my OP, that would be great. Advice no longer applies to me as far as this situation goes. The advice I need now is legal advice...so I'm on the wrong community for that. =] I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, I know I did not, but I'm managing. =]

[kerianna26]

My husband was like that as well (before we were married), he's in the military also and we live in WA.  Anyways, this girl who was suppose to be his childhood friend kept coming around as I was pregnant at the time, and he would leave me for her...and it was like that for a long time until finally I put my foot down about it, he left her alone finally.  I know exactly how you feel about the emotional wreck and the getting physical part as I have done so myself, which never done any good because he would do the same thing but I don't believe you should just be polite and let it go.  If you two could both sit down and talk about it openly instead of fussing and fighting and he actually listen to you and put his opinion in on it..maybe it will help to know how you both feel about it and maybe just maybe he will actually listen and leave her alone because he is making his wife feel a certain way.  I don't believe you should be second to anyone...even the military even though that's what they teach them....but she shouldn't be calling him and telling him stuff like oh I love you and she's not good for you and so on..he should put his foot down about that and tell her that he loves you(his wife) and only you and if you weren't good enough for him he wouldn't have married you.  I just suggest you talk to him about it and if he doesn't listen then maybe he's not right for you because obviously he is being a little selfish when it comes to that.  He and you have to realize it's a two way street in a marriage or any relationship...not just a one way so you both have to give a little and take a little. I hope this helps somewhat, but I wish you the best of luck with it and hope he realizes that this girl is only out to ruin his marriage.  

[kerianna26]

And also I just read the last post, I'm glad to hear that you and your husband have worked things out, that's great....good luck with your marriage and I hope everything works out for you the way you want it and you two have a long happy marriage :)