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Am I overly attached?
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Am I overly attached?

I'm a 20 year old girl. Me and my boyfriend have been together since January. This is my first real relationship and I have never loved someone this much. My feelings are so deep and serious, and they almost consume me. My boyfriend loves me a lot - of that I am sure after these months. He gave up his relationship of 5 years to be with me, and the past few months, we've been living a fairytale kind of thing. In the meantime I know all his friends and family, and they've all told me they really like me, and us together (more than his previous girlfriend).
BUT.
He is 27 and he has a catering company, so he's a very busy guy. Normally I'm totally fine with that and I adapt to his schedule, as I'm a student and I have more spare time. But, a week from now I have my finals. All I do now is sitting at my desk and trying to study, but I don't manage. My mind won't shut up. I'm so scared to lose him to another girl, I miss him ALL the time in a really painful way, I even barely eat when he's not with me. The voices in my head* won't stop talking. I cannot concentrate at all, until he suddenly calls me, and then I'm ok for an hour or so. At night I even dream of him with other girls. I suppose that is because he gave up his previous girlfriend for me, and I expect this to happen to me too.
* important to know is that my relationship with my parents (mother) is (emotionally) abusive. I've been told that I'm a ***** and he doesn't love me at all, he just uses me, I'm not nearly good enough for him, he needs someone better, etcetera. I'm also often told that I never should have been born and that my parents would have had a happy life without me (while I am - really - a role model daughter and student). All this makes me a very insecure person. A few years ago, when I was 18, my mother even talked me into a depression. Now I have grown stronger and very mature for my age, but when I am at my desk, I don't manage to kill the voices. I need him so much. I have told him all this, but I think he just doesn't get how serious the problem is- I don't study AT ALL.
Besides that, the coming weeks are very busy for him too, so we will hardly see each other.

I really need someone's help. Badly :(
6 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, often relationships that start like this do indeed breed insecurity.  As he was with someone and dumped her for you . . .  that is going to, of course, worry you that he might meet someone new and do the same thing to you.  You'll have to hope history does not repeat.  

Those are normal and natural fears.  Time allows them to lessen and for you to trust that he will do the right thing and not meet someone unless you two have broken up first.  (which hopefully won't happen).

In all honesty, a relationship killer is clinginess.  Fight the urge to make him the center of your universe.  You are at a critical time in which getting your degree and starting your career is really important.  Remember that---  it is important to establish yourself as your own entity.  This may motivate you to keep this over thinking and over attachment in check.  Many men do find an independent woman to be very attractive and sometimes if that doesn't come natural, you have to make an effort.

this means spending time with friends instead of him at times.  This means pursuing your own activities outside of him, your own hobbies.  This means that you say "I've got to study now and don't have time to think about this."  And sticking to that.  

If you can't, I'd seek some outside help because then I think it starts to fall into the area of anxiety.  And as this relationship is important to you, you don't want to ruin it because you are temporarily too needy.  

Does that make sense?  
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Avatar_f_tn
All relationships start out in the "honeymoon stage" and no relationship is perfect so if you believe he is "the one" you have to understand that there will be rough times, arguments and all of that but these are all just tests of the relationship. I understand that you are feeling like this but you need to know that a healthy relationship consists of trust. Without trust there is nothing. He seems like a very mature, grown man you just have to let him do what he needs for work and not worry so much about him leaving you for another girl or him cheating on you. These feelings are not healthy and like specialmom says, you could fall into anxiety with the relationship and that is not healthy at all. I am also 20 years old and have had plenty of relationships where I was also "overly attached", unfortunately the relationships ended because of my insecurities but now I am married to the best guy and I have learned that guys will be guys and they will do what they are going to do. I understand how hard it is to push some feelings or thoughts of "oh he is cheating on me, or he needs to text/call me every so often so I know what he is doing". These feelings are somewhat normal, especially if you claim this is your "first real relationship" but you need to understand that there needs to be trust. Even if it is talking to him about what you are thinking and feeling, just get it off your chest to him maybe that could clear some things up. You should also not stop your life just to be with him. I have learned this... I gave up my friends, my hobbies, everything I liked to do for a relationship because I felt he always needed to be with me. But I gained nothing out of that. When we broke up I went into a depression because I had no one else to talk to about what happened, I didn't like doing what I used to do (hobby-wise). As specialmom also says, you need to create a life of your own and not depend or expect him to always take up your time. A healthy relationship consists of two people who trust each other, have their own hobbies and likes but also their similarities. Don't worry so much about him leaving you because that just causes panic and soon that will be all that is on your mind, then you will find yourself going through his phone/facebook/emails/etc. which is NOT healthy at all. I wish you luck! You seem like a very smart girl but you are just anxious and "new in love" just don't let that get the best of you. Good luck!
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1696489_tn?1370825574
Have you considered seeing a counselor?  I think that talking to a professional would do you good.  I also recommend seeing your doctor, as you may need a mild anti-anxiety med to help you concentrate on the appropriate things, rather than obsessing about your boyfriend.  Blessings - Blu
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Avatar_m_tn
stop worrying about him, what meant to be will always find it's way, so if he really is the guy for you - YOU shoudn't have anything to worry about.

HOWEVER the problem isn't that you're insecure about your relationship - you need to see a counselor of some sort because it looks to me that you're creating an obsession with this guy and thats not good - not only will it push him away you're risking it affecting everything else that is going on in your life - which it obviously is.

Best of luck - Quinn
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Avatar_m_tn
P.S.  YOU ARE SOOOO YOUNG!!!! ENJOY YOUR LIFE!  you shouldn't be this worried about a guy
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree You are probably "insecure" and would probably benefit from therapy.

By Your own observation:
Your feelings are so "deep and serious", they almost "consume" You
You don't "manage".  Your mind doesn't "shut up"  You're "scared" to lose Him.  You "miss Him"  "all the time", in a "painful" way.  You can "barely eat".  You can't "concentrate", etc., etc.

This relationship is only 4 months.  It takes way than more than 4 months for a relationship to grow into something Deep and Meaningful; more than 4 months to realize if this should be or could be, a "lifetime" commitment.  In 4 months You should only still be enjoying the "romance" that may or may not, grow into something more meaningful and permanent.

Your language and expression sounds more like "obsession" to me, rather than like "love".  You could scare Him off with this intensity.   You would be happier too if You didn't feel this desperation.  
Love is not afraid.  Love is good and warm and cozy and secure (and takes time to grow and build).
Good Luck to You.
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