Am I wasting my time with him?

[krista]

I've been dating my boyfriend for around 2 years, we've known each other for almost 5.This is another attempt at a relationship between us, as we broke up many years ago...but just couldn't seem to move on from each other, but that's not the point.We have a long distance relationship, I have finished school, and his currently has two years to go.I usually see him for a weekend or two per month, when he has time from school;and eventhough I try and be understanding...honestly I want all his time.Its been this long, and I haven't met either parent, or sister...there isn't even a suspicion of a 'me'.I've asked him, he said that his parents would want to know too many things, and conclude that we're having sex...which would be right, but we're both in our mid twenties...not the point either I guess.No, I don't believe he's cheating, or leads some other life.I want to know if any of this is normal...I love him with all my heart, and I do believe him when he says he loves me...but is this worth it...do long distance relationships ever really work?

[idesofmarch]

Yes, he could be married or in another relationship,or embarassed of you;Or maybe he is embarassed of his parents or the inside of his home or wants to keep something about him private or maybe he has a fear of total commitment.  Why don't you just tell him what you are feeling and the thoughts that go through your head about what could be going on?  If you can't trust him with your inner most feelings or to tell you the truth then you really don't have a good basis for a realationship and should end it if you can't communicate.  Why are you putting yourself through this mental and emotional trama?  If you where married with problems then you should try to save your marriage the best you can-with counseling. But you're not,  so talk to him and hope that he gives you true answers. Listen with your gut, not your heart when hearing what he has to say.     Good luck and I hope the outcome isn't as bad as our imaginations.

[Mountaingirl83]

Krista you ask a few days ago if long distance relationships ever really work? I know what you are going through! I live 3 hours away from the guy i'm with! We been off & on almost five years now! What i have learn from my mistakes with him is that my relationship only works out if both people are willing to make it work. It is hard wanting to spend time with him when you can't! There is always a phone, just give him a call! We do a lot of texting since he works days full time & I work over nights full time.  We only see each other about twice a month on a weekend night either when i'm back home or he comes to me or we each met half way and stay a night in a hotel, which we do about once a month! Do not worry about not meeting his family! He will not let me talk to his parents nor will he meet my mother! Both our families know about us, since we been together for years now, plus we didn't grow up in the same town, but our mother shared room when we were born! Were gonna be 24 this weekend! If you need to talk i'm here and know my fair share about a long distance relationship that really isn't going anywhere, but we been through so much together including having a miscarriage early this month.  Good luck to you!

[jd1419]

Why don't you do a surprise visit to him--don't let him know you are coming to visit--just drop by school or his home--if he still lives with his parents, then you may know why he always comes and sees you.  Or if you get to his apartment you can take a look around--you may find some interesting stuff out.  Ihope that he is as true as he says he is.

[krista]

He lives with his parents...so dropping in won't be the best thing.

[krista]

I am really sure that he's not married...however this whole other relationship thing is starting to make me wonder.  I've been by his house years ago, with a friend...I actually had to do something creative to get his address, but we won't discuss how I did that, as it makes me look sort of odd.  Anyways, I know he goes to school full time, and I know where he works...his boss has spoken to me, not that I think he would have said anything, but he knew who I was when I said I was his girlfriend...and knew about my work and stuff.  
A background check isn't going to tell me if he's seeing anyone...just the whole marriage thing.  Believe me, I"ve rooted through his wallet multiple times to find something...anything...and I've found nothing.  I've even wondered if he's somehow embarrased by me or something....anything to make him not want me to meet his parents?  Next time he's coming over, I"m going through his phone...nuts I know.  ...I really dont know how to find information out...because we don't live in the same city, I don't have access to his friend groups, nor do I have access to his daily activities.

[Trialanderror]

I agree with everyone that something is odd here. One of my long distance relationships had been similar and even though my boyfriend had not gotten married to anyone while we were separated through different professional paths, he had started a serious relationship with someone else whom he introduced to his family. Things turned a bit rocky for them, so eventually he re-united with me but kept it a total secret. Turned out that he was only waiting for his former main squeeze to have a change of heart to be with him for good. I did not wait for that to happen but voted myself off this silly island. There is something about long distance relationships - at least one of the involved usually wants it exactly that way and has no interest in spending more time with the other person for whatever reason. I bet you are wasting your time.

[mrs2me]

Something doesn't add up to me either.  Have you ever gone to his place?  I just don't understand how you can be with someone that long and have not met his family.  It's understandable if they lived in another country or something, but come on, do the math sweetie.

[RockRose]

Krista,  I'm betting this guy's married.  Really.  

To find out,  next time he's over just take a peek at his driver's license when he's in the shower,  and do a background check.  It costs like,  50 bucks.

Post back when you find out.  I once dated a married man,  thank God I didn't sleep with him,  but same exact situation.

Best wishes.

[krista]

He comes to my place...each time.  I don't know about another serious relationship, I honestly don't believe he would be able to do that to me.  
What bothers me most is the not meeting his family...or them even knowing about me.  We've talked about moving in together, and he always says they'll figure it out when we're living together.... I'm not a parent, however I'd be pissed if I found out my son was seeing a girl for 2 years, and has dated her before...

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I agree with Rock Rose. Either he is married or he is in a serious relationship.

HIs behaviour is strange.

[RockRose]

Krista,  when you see him every other weekend,  do you actually go to where he lives?  Or does he always come visit at your place.  

I think there's a strong possibility he's married.

[linm4]

The situation seems a little strange (because of the not meeting the family thing). I dated my husband in my late teens and then we parted ways for almost three years. When we got back together it was like we were both just not shy anymore and we had our minor problems but everything else seemed as perfect as it could be. I never questioned anything really.

I think if you really love him and it feels right that you should try to work out the issues. Long distance can be hard.