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Am i really in love with my wife???
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Am i really in love with my wife???

I find myself asking this question more and more lately. I feel like i married my best friend and thats all it will ever be. we get along great and never fight or argue. Its a great relationship , but it does lack in certain areas. Dont get me wrong...im attracted to her and know that when we do have kids, she will be a great mother. She has a lot of qualities a man would look for in a woman, but i dont think thats love for me...idk. I never really was an affectionate person, and i our relationship is missing that affection. Sex isnt that great either and has never really felt passionate to me. It just kinda feel like sex and thats it. I know sex shouldnt be a huge part of the relationship, but i feel like its starting to take it toll on my side of the relationship. I wouldnt ever think or want to cheat on her to subsitute that. I could never do that to her. Our relationship just doesnt have that fire to it that other people talk about. Just feels like we are just best friends going through the motions of a married couple. Its not a matter of if the grass is greener on the other side, i just dont know if im in love with her like a married couple should be. I just feel like we both deserve someone that we are madly in love with. Even if we did split up, i would want her to be a big part of my life. Maybe i just have a different kind of love with her. Not the kind you see with other couples. Maybe i just married to quickly before i could figure this all out and thats what ***** so much. Her and her family did kind of pressure me to get married because we were together for awhile and i felt like i would have lost her if i didnt make a decision quickly.

On another note, we grew up in different states and we currently live closer to her family. I dont know anyone out here except for her, her family, and friends. A couple of months ago i had brought up the idea of maybe moving out there and imediatly we started to argue about it. She grew up with a family that is very close and she told me she didnt know if she could ever move away from them. She has that picture perfect family and on the other hand i dont. My mom was on hard drugs and sent my family in a downward spiral. She is now in recovery and has been for the last couple of months. My brother and sister ended up being homeless bc my moms bf kicked them out bc they were both on drugs and wanted to be by themselves. My sister is somewhat back on her feet and so is my brother, but they are going through tough times. I feel like i want to move out there to be a support system to my family and i feel like since i have done well for myself, that i can try to be there to help them, bc they have no one else to lean on. I told my wife all of this and asked if she would move out there with me. She still hasnt decided, but has told me that she doesnt want to move away from her job and family. She is a hairdresser and would have to lose all of her clients that she took 10 years to build and start off brand new in this other state. I dont think she has given me an answer yet bc she doesnt want to lose me or the comfort of her being out here. Now i dont even know if i would want to put her through all that to just be with me by my family and kinda go through the same things im going through being away from mine. I just want her to be happy and i know that even if we did go our seperate ways, in time she could find someone and be happy. My family is just really important to me and i feel like i should be with them. I dont know what to do or think. Im at a big crossroad. Any input would be great. Please be honest, but nice at the same time lol. Thank you
15 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Please whatever you do just be honest and don't cheat--I cheated and it ruined my life.I had the best woman in the world and I got greedy and for one stupid mistake I am paying for it big time and I know I ruined everything.Family is everything so if you think you don't have feelings for her anymore you need to tell her this.Remember your children and how this will affect them also.All the best.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there,  well thanks for all the info.  That is really helpful.  

I'm going to be honest with you.  I probably wouldn't be so motivated to move across the country away from my healthy and functional family to one that is dysfunctional.  I'm a realist.  And that would not hold appeal to me.  I'm guessing that while you were dating you knew that she was attached to her functional family (which may even have been attractive to you) and was pretty forthright that she planned on living by them.  It is of absolutely no surprise to you that she is not wanting to give all she's worked for up or that she wants to go and be the rescuer to your mother and siblings.  If you did have kids, which family would you want to have baby sit your kids?  I can understand your concern about going there, I really can.

I also wonder if it is not an excuse to get out of where you are.

Do you think you may suffer some mild depression?  I ask because you have a family history of abuse and abuse almost always has underlying emotional health issues including depression.  And depression can be hereditary.  

My best advice is for you to seek some counseling to sort out where you are.  I'd hate for you to throw away what seems to be a pretty good relationship because you are going through 'something'.  

While I agree that .passion is great and many a relationship does start out with great passion.  I also realize after being married 12 years that having a solid partner you get along great with and love deeply is very fulfilling.  You say yourself that you aren't very affectionate.  Do you think a different woman is going to bring that out of you?  We are often predisposed to this or not.  And when we ourselves want to change, we make the effort to change it.  Take her hand when walking or put your arm around her when sitting on the couch, whatever.  But I'm guessing that will follow.

And if you are possibly depressed, well, libido can be affected.

Before you throw away a marriage, you need to do some work.  See a therapist one on one.  And if you can, a therapist for the two of you.  

If you never felt like you were romantically in love with her----  I don't know what to tell you.  Living as just companions isn't ideal, obviously.  but you could change that if you so desire.

I just wonder what is going on with you now that you are feeling this way.  
good luck
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Becoming best friends is a great accomplishments in any relationship. It shows tolerance, a listening ear and empathy for the other person. All relationships should evolve as yours has and this is true love that you have. The way you express yourself shows you have deep love for her. You mention that she has all the qualities that a man could want and you are the lucky man that found her and she is fortunate to have you. Making a great team is the goal to any marrige.     True love is, in a scense, giving up what you want for another person. This shows that she is very important to you.
Comparing what you have to others is more of  fantacy as you dont see the day to day life that they have.
What your lacking and what you are seeking is "passion". And you feel sex is the defining quality of it. The sex act is a temporary immediate gratification, and once over then what, you go on with the more lasting and every day parts of your life together. Also if sex is the main definition of passion, what happens when your faced with a medical problem as prostate cancer? Does this now mean there is no more passion in your relationship?
What i feel you need is to have passion to build a financial empire together. Take this passion that you are seeking and focus on greater goals. Come up with an idea of a simple product, Patent it and create excitment. Try writing lyric verses and get an agent in Nashville. Take this time in your life and explode with creativity. Get all that is in you and utilize it to bring out all your potential. There are great rewards in society for those that offer their talents.
I would not move right now.

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973741_tn?1342346373
Patent a product, write a musical lyric and get an agent in Nashville.  Hm.

Okay, I suggest a therapist to sort out why you are having difficulty with this relationship.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
Totally agree with SM on this.

I am not sure why you have to uproot and move and why you can't just visit your family or offer them support through phone calls, letters, email, etc.?

"I feel like i want to move out there to be a support system to my family and i feel like since i have done well for myself, that i can try to be there to help them, bc they have no one else to lean on."......Well, how old are your brother and sister?  Are they getting professional help for their issues?  That's what they need the most.  Since your mother is in recovery I am sure she doesn't want anything or anyone to jeopardize this and that is the reason why your brother and sister were "kicked out" of her home.  

"Her and her family did kind of pressure me to get married because we were together for awhile and i felt like i would have lost her if i didnt make a decision quickly.".......that is very concerning.  Sounds like you were pressured into doing something you really didn't want to do or weren't ready to do.  

There are so many issues going on in your marriage and I would highly encourage you to sort all this out with a couples' therapist.  



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13167_tn?1327197724
First,  PLEASE don't have children.  At this point,  you need to do some really difficult thinking,  and make good clear headed decision,  and you won't be able to have options open if you have children.

The truth is,  you've probably never witnessed a functioning family.  Your idea that most marriages are really passionate is probably based on seeing couples that don't actually last.  

What your relationship looks like right now,  is the way a functioning marriage works.  She has extended nodrama family,  she has been steadily working to build a career over the last decade,  she's careful with decisions and loving and caring and steadfast.  

This is up to you to choose that,  or nor.  I think you're operating under the false idea that there are many really sexually passionate couples who have long term stable marriages.  

I wish you the best.  Honestly,  I don't think your relationship will work out because you have a different "picture" of what makes you happy than she does.

Best wishes.  Since you don't have children yet,  there's no real dishonor in saying well I was too hasty in making this decision,  I want out of this marriage.  BTW,  if you do that,  she won't be in your life anymore.  She'll move on and find another stable man to make a life with.

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Avatar_m_tn
Wow... interesting and complicated, no doubt.  I'm really sorry that you feel the way you do.  That's got to be a bit miserable.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't type of situation, isn't it?

I would agree with specialmom and londres regarding therapy.  First for yourself.  That way, you can find some more stable ground for you to stand on and perhaps shine a new light on what's really going on.  Could this be depression, sure... maybe.  And if that's the case, a therapist could be beneficial in bringing that about and helping find some resolve.  Could this be exactly what you say it is?  Not really being in love and feeling pressured into the situation?  Yeah, could be... but I do think that there was something special there to begin with, otherwise you wouldn't have been there as long as you have been.  A therapist can help you reconnect....

Secondly, couples therapy after you've had some therapy for yourself.  I know in my marriage, I got very complacent.  I took the situation for granted.  You can't do that in marriages.  They take work and constant concentration.  Putting you marriage in "cruise control" (as I think of it) just means that you feel everything is all right and nothing can go wrong.  There are too many outside circumstances that can derail a marriage on cruise control, and we have to work to keep all of those things and the marriage in perspective.

Perhaps this marriage is not meant to be...  couples therapy may be just the right tool to bring that too light.  With a therapist there as a mediator, this might facilitate a smoother transition into a separation/divorce, or might facilitate both you and your wife's emotions and make everyone pay more attention and to give the marriage another shot.

You wanting to be there for your family is noble.  You've got to take into account that your wife is now family too.  I'd take care of this before I spent a bunch of time and effort on the other family.  Most important is to take care of you.  Without a healthy you, you cannot take care of anybody else.

Good luck, and I hope this helps.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for everyones input so far. Im not really saying that i dont love her. I dont think i have really felt true love before, so maybe im just confused. The part that lacks in our relationship is the passion and love dovey type things and sex almost feels non emotional on both ends.

As for counsling, we have gone 3 times so far in the last two months and we are currently discussing the moving subject in those convos. I guess i just was wanting some input before i walk into one of these sessions and say that i feel like im not in love with her just out of the blue and then get her upset and questioning the marriage.

And it does feel like we are just companions as you say.

My brother and sister were kicked out bc my mom and her ex bf were on drugs at the time and only cared about themselves.

I am also planning on seeing a therapist one on one to figure out other thing that have happened in my life.

I also feel like me and her are on seperate pages though. She wants to have kids desperatly and buy a house and all that. I too also have those goals, but im not pushing  to have that right now. It will come when it comes for me. I am feeling the same pressure though from her and her family that i felt with the marriage thing. Her family constantly asks me when we are going to give them a grandchild and its putting a lot of un wanted pressure on me.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks brice for that input. I kinda feel like what you said is pretty close to how our relationship is. It does feel like cruize control. My wife is awesome and is a great wife, but i feel like is a different type of love that i have towards here. I care about her so much and will always want to be a part of her life no matter which way it goes.  
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13167_tn?1327197724
cubsfan,  you won't be a part of her life "no matter which way it goes".  People with orderly,  well-planned lives don't keep an ex husband close by when they remarry and have children.

If she's been working at her career for 10 years,  she's at least 30 and she doesn't have time to wait until "it comes when it comes for you".  This is her plan - marry a nice guy,  buy a house,  have kids.  I'm not sure why you signed on for that since that's not your plan.

No matter how "pressured" you were,  you did this.  I really think it's a mistake.  
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Avatar_m_tn
You're welcome, man.  I just thought of something that I'd like to run by you.  It pertains to the lovey dovey thing.  I understand that you are questioning if you had that at the beginning of the marriage...  Let me ask you a couple of questions.  First off, have you guys been together for a good period of time, say longer than 5 years?  Secondly, did you guys ever do the "little things" for each other?  Things like breakfast in bed, surprise date night, little low cost gifts, flowers, concert tickets... things like that?

"Cruise control" starts to set in when we get complacent.  We assume the marriage is doing well and we start to concentrate on other facets of our lives.  Maybe our career... we start to spend more time on the career than our marriage.  The little things begin to slow down or stop.  When that happens, we are getting further away from the lovey dovey stuff.  The marriage begins to look like a shell of what you thought it would be or could be.  

Those things can come back, but it has to be a concerted effort on both behalves.... Find and read the book, "The 5 Love Languages" together.  If anything, it will further elaborate on what I am trying to convey.  We expect certain things, then sometimes that changes.  It is our jobs to notice that change and change with it in order to keep the marriage intact.

Check the book out.  Bet it's at the library.  (Your wife is aware about your concerns regarding the marriage, correct?)



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973741_tn?1342346373
cubsfan, have you ever had passion in a relationship?
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Avatar_f_tn
i hope you find what your looking for hehe
cause you seem very lost
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Avatar_f_tn
I think there is a difference between "Passion" and "Passionate Love".  "Passion" is fleeting, and doesn't "Endure" over the long haul.  "Passion" is "in the moment",  it's what One feels in the "excitement" of a "new" Partner/Relationship.  It's not long term, nor can it be, cuz one can't "keep" that "adrenalin" going at that pace for a very long period of time without exhaustion!!  But, I believe One can still have and feel "passionate love" and "passionate lovemaking" with the right Partner.   My Husband and I still have this with One Another after 28 YEARS!!  We were "best friends" for 7 years BEFORE we Married, BEFORE We realized that We were IN love.  We Married 7 YEARS after being platonic friends.  The Friendship We had was very Meaningful and Important to Both of Us all those years - but it took that many years for Us to realize that our Love was meant to be DEEPER than Friendship.  We've been Married now for 28 years and the Love and the LoveMaking are Passionate indeed!! - the FriendShip we built for the 7 years prior to Our Marriage is still EXTREMELY important to us and still plays a HUGE role in Our Marriage.  My Husband didn't "become" my Best Friend, He was ALREADY my Best Friend and I was His.
Instead of "wishing" for Passion - BE Passionate!!  - it sounds like You are Married to the "right" Woman for the "right" reasons - so FEEL passionate and it will come!!  It's all about Mind set and Attitude!!

All that being said, I think it's commendable that You have compassion for Your Brother and Sister BUT - YOUR Family is now Your Wife and THAT is Your commitment.  If Your Brother and Sister would like to move nearer to You - wouldn't that be wonderful for all involved?  AND, Your Wife's Family is Your Family too......just saying.
Good Luck in whatever Your ultimate decision is.
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Avatar_f_tn
First love is a choice. U can choose that u love her n b honest with ur wife. Let her no ur struggles n dont compare ur relationship to that of others. I agree with life 360. Read somd good books together n get counseling. Dont throw it all away
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