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Anal and my marriage
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by CuriousGal330, Jul 16, 2009
Ok never done any of these forum type things before but here goes.

My husband has an obsession with anal sex(in my opinion). He loves it and he asks for it all the time(even after we have just done it). We've been together for 5 years and I can't stand anal. I give it too him because it seems so important to him and he gets it maybe once a month. I hate it. I hate the thought of it, i think it is absolutely disgusting and nasty and there is no reason at all for it. I don't get any pleasure out of it, it freakin hurts and i don't want to have anything to do with it. Just the thought of it gets me upset.

He thinks sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and starts to feel very unloved if he goes without it for even a week. I on the other hand do not think sex is that important. I think communication/trust/honesty are the most important parts of any relationship.

I've tried to explain how i feel about anal to him multiple times, but he seems to think the only reason i don't want to do it is that it hurts, and he goes on and on about how "it can't hurt that bad" and that if i'd relax and try forplay i would learn to like it. i don't know how else to explain it to him. I do not want to even try to learn to like it the thought of it makes me sick!! and i've tried over and over to explain that to him but he just seems to focus on the hurting part and wants to try and i guess warm me up first. I'm not saying people shouldn't have anal sex, i'm not saying that in time i could have it and it be less painful. the plain and simple truth is I have no desire to have it, no desire to talk about it no desire to have anything to do with it. it just makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes i feel like i'm being guilted into doing it because i love him and he loves anal so much.

i just don't understand the fascination with sticking your penis in a place that **** resides in, it's gross lol I just feel like this one thing is going to ruin my marriage because we'll never be able to agree and i don't know how to even begin to compromise when the one time a month is pure hell for me as it is and he wants it even more.

i guess this post is more of a vent than anything lol I don't know what to do in this situation. if i could learn to love it i would try but it's not really about the act itself, my problem is about the way the act makes me feel adn that I do not at all approve of anal sex in the slightest. i can't seem to get my hubby to understand, and i can't seem to understand why he is fixated with it. I just have no idea anymore.

What the heck am I supposed to do? Will this issue ever be resolved????

Any advice would be very very appreciated.
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Member Comments (56)
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by imanaddict, Jul 16, 2009
Tell your husband to "take one for the team" then if he thinks anal doesn't hurt! He's never had anything shoved up his rear end evidently so how would he know!

I don't blame you on this one, and the only thing I can come up with is to not let him do it anymore.
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by CuriousGal330, Jul 16, 2009
i have told him(when i was pissed because he kept going on and on about it) that if he loves anal so much i'll take my dildo and shove it up his a$$ and see how he feels about it after that. he didn't take to the idea unfortunately, because "that's a completely different situation"

I want to just stop it all together but i'm afraid it'll break us up because he values sex more than anything in a relationship. Sex to him is the #1 thing in our relationship and it's just sooo important to him. i don't really understand why but he says since i don't like anal that when i let him have it, it makes him feel like i really love him, because he knows that i'm only doing it to please him.

If we had the money and my husband wasn't so against psychiatrists(he thinks they are all just trying to get money out of people) i would suggest going into couple's therapy probably sexual therapy to see what we could do about this situation.
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by Vance2335, Jul 16, 2009
If he values anal sex more then you then he is not a good husband and maybe breaking up is not a bad thing. I would never say yeah tell him the marriage is over but if you don't like it and it hurts then there is no reason to keep doing it. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both not just for one. And if he can't understand that then he has some issues. Yes it is not bad to try something...my wife tried anal for me once...she hated it and I was indifferent to is...we never did it again.

And I agree with imaaddict, tell him to take it in the butt. It is not a completely different situation because both men and women have the exact same area and it's not like woman's butts are made for a penis to enter.

Or even tell him to come on here and post about it and he will see a lot of women and some men like myself telling him to back off.
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by Lucey12, Jul 16, 2009
Get  vibrator the same size as him, and say he can have anal when you get to stick that in HIS tush. My hubby wants it but it hurts alot. I got a vibrator and lubed it up and tried it and it hurt but I kept doing it and it didnt hurt as much. So after a couple months of that, I let hunny try anal but it hurt way too much (vibrator is way smaller than him) I dont like it either but want to occasionally for him.
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by iam1butterfly, Jul 16, 2009
I never liked it either... and, I've never known a man who insisted on it, especially
if it hurts (which is also my reason for not liking it). Ordinarily, men want to give
pleasure to their women; not inflict pain. And, it sounds like sex with your husband
is more about him than you... that's a very selfish approach to what should be pleasurable intimacy.
The mistake that you made was tolerating something that you clearly never liked
for so long of a time.
Anyway, you simply have to refuse to participate in sexual practices that you're uncomfortable with. Tell him that you're agreeable to other sex acts; but not that!
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by CuriousGal330, Jul 16, 2009
I do feel it is selfish of him to keep asking me to do that when i don't like it, but on the other hand i feel like i'm being selfish if i don't do it because he likes it so much. So i'm just really confused lol

And i completely agree with you iam1butterfly, i should have stopped a long time ago. I really wish i had never done it in the first place because i never had any desire to do it and still do not have any desire to do it. i am so against it and he is so for it. i feel like we'll never be able to compromise on this issue because one of us will always not want it and the other always is. So one of us will always be unhappy with the situation.
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by Vance2335, Jul 16, 2009
If he can't enjoy just vaginal and I assume oral sex then maybe he is gay. 1/2 joking about that.
You are not selfish for not wanting to do it...as I said before, sex is about pleasure not pain. And if you are in pain, how is stopping something wrong or selfish?

Would you touch a hot stove...no because it hurts. So why continue to do something that hurts?
303824_tn?1294875001
by imanaddict, Jul 16, 2009
I bet he isn't responsive toward the idea of someone doing that to him! Of course not! So how can he expect you to be for the idea? He's got the wrong idea of give and take in a marriage!! Insert pun *here*

Vance said it all. Marriage is about compromise and 50/50, even in the sex department. You've basically got two options. Either keep giving in to his selfish wants, or don't. Either way will have a consequence, so you have to choose which one you can live with.

Completely cutting him off from all sex for a really long time might make him sing a different tune.
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by CuriousGal330, Jul 16, 2009
I don't believe he's gay as he enjoys vaginal and oral alot too lol he just happens to enjoy anal as well. And no of course he doesn't want anything in his bum but he still thinks that i should have something in mine?

i guess i'm just going to have to talk to him again about how I feel about it, and tell him seriously that i do not want to do it again. If he feels that anal is too important and that he doesn't want to live without it then I guess we're just not made for each other. It's horrible to say i love him but i'm not going to spend the rest of my marriage arguing over why i don't like anal or why he does or when he can have it or all that.

This whole situation seems ridiculous to me and it does make me feel like he values the sex part of our relationship over just being with me. I just don't understand why this one thing can be so important and why this one thing should effect our relationship?