Anal and my marriage

[CuriousGal330]

Ok never done any of these forum type things before but here goes.

My husband has an obsession with anal sex(in my opinion). He loves it and he asks for it all the time(even after we have just done it). We've been together for 5 years and I can't stand anal. I give it too him because it seems so important to him and he gets it maybe once a month. I hate it. I hate the thought of it, i think it is absolutely disgusting and nasty and there is no reason at all for it. I don't get any pleasure out of it, it freakin hurts and i don't want to have anything to do with it. Just the thought of it gets me upset.

He thinks sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and starts to feel very unloved if he goes without it for even a week. I on the other hand do not think sex is that important. I think communication/trust/honesty are the most important parts of any relationship.

I've tried to explain how i feel about anal to him multiple times, but he seems to think the only reason i don't want to do it is that it hurts, and he goes on and on about how "it can't hurt that bad" and that if i'd relax and try forplay i would learn to like it. i don't know how else to explain it to him. I do not want to even try to learn to like it the thought of it makes me sick!! and i've tried over and over to explain that to him but he just seems to focus on the hurting part and wants to try and i guess warm me up first. I'm not saying people shouldn't have anal sex, i'm not saying that in time i could have it and it be less painful. the plain and simple truth is I have no desire to have it, no desire to talk about it no desire to have anything to do with it. it just makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes i feel like i'm being guilted into doing it because i love him and he loves anal so much.

i just don't understand the fascination with sticking your penis in a place that **** resides in, it's gross lol I just feel like this one thing is going to ruin my marriage because we'll never be able to agree and i don't know how to even begin to compromise when the one time a month is pure hell for me as it is and he wants it even more.

i guess this post is more of a vent than anything lol I don't know what to do in this situation. if i could learn to love it i would try but it's not really about the act itself, my problem is about the way the act makes me feel adn that I do not at all approve of anal sex in the slightest. i can't seem to get my hubby to understand, and i can't seem to understand why he is fixated with it. I just have no idea anymore.

What the heck am I supposed to do? Will this issue ever be resolved????

Any advice would be very very appreciated.

[imanaddict]

Tell your husband to "take one for the team" then if he thinks anal doesn't hurt! He's never had anything shoved up his rear end evidently so how would he know!

I don't blame you on this one, and the only thing I can come up with is to not let him do it anymore.

[CuriousGal330]

i have told him(when i was pissed because he kept going on and on about it) that if he loves anal so much i'll take my dildo and shove it up his a$$ and see how he feels about it after that. he didn't take to the idea unfortunately, because "that's a completely different situation"

I want to just stop it all together but i'm afraid it'll break us up because he values sex more than anything in a relationship. Sex to him is the #1 thing in our relationship and it's just sooo important to him. i don't really understand why but he says since i don't like anal that when i let him have it, it makes him feel like i really love him, because he knows that i'm only doing it to please him.

If we had the money and my husband wasn't so against psychiatrists(he thinks they are all just trying to get money out of people) i would suggest going into couple's therapy probably sexual therapy to see what we could do about this situation.

[Vance2335]

If he values anal sex more then you then he is not a good husband and maybe breaking up is not a bad thing. I would never say yeah tell him the marriage is over but if you don't like it and it hurts then there is no reason to keep doing it. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both not just for one. And if he can't understand that then he has some issues. Yes it is not bad to try something...my wife tried anal for me once...she hated it and I was indifferent to is...we never did it again.

And I agree with imaaddict, tell him to take it in the butt. It is not a completely different situation because both men and women have the exact same area and it's not like woman's butts are made for a penis to enter.

Or even tell him to come on here and post about it and he will see a lot of women and some men like myself telling him to back off.

[Lucey12]

Get  vibrator the same size as him, and say he can have anal when you get to stick that in HIS tush. My hubby wants it but it hurts alot. I got a vibrator and lubed it up and tried it and it hurt but I kept doing it and it didnt hurt as much. So after a couple months of that, I let hunny try anal but it hurt way too much (vibrator is way smaller than him) I dont like it either but want to occasionally for him.

[iam1butterfly]

I never liked it either... and, I've never known a man who insisted on it, especially
if it hurts (which is also my reason for not liking it). Ordinarily, men want to give
pleasure to their women; not inflict pain. And, it sounds like sex with your husband
is more about him than you... that's a very selfish approach to what should be pleasurable intimacy.
The mistake that you made was tolerating something that you clearly never liked
for so long of a time.
Anyway, you simply have to refuse to participate in sexual practices that you're uncomfortable with. Tell him that you're agreeable to other sex acts; but not that!

[CuriousGal330]

I do feel it is selfish of him to keep asking me to do that when i don't like it, but on the other hand i feel like i'm being selfish if i don't do it because he likes it so much. So i'm just really confused lol

And i completely agree with you iam1butterfly, i should have stopped a long time ago. I really wish i had never done it in the first place because i never had any desire to do it and still do not have any desire to do it. i am so against it and he is so for it. i feel like we'll never be able to compromise on this issue because one of us will always not want it and the other always is. So one of us will always be unhappy with the situation.

[Vance2335]

If he can't enjoy just vaginal and I assume oral sex then maybe he is gay. 1/2 joking about that.
You are not selfish for not wanting to do it...as I said before, sex is about pleasure not pain. And if you are in pain, how is stopping something wrong or selfish?

Would you touch a hot stove...no because it hurts. So why continue to do something that hurts?

[imanaddict]

I bet he isn't responsive toward the idea of someone doing that to him! Of course not! So how can he expect you to be for the idea? He's got the wrong idea of give and take in a marriage!! Insert pun *here*

Vance said it all. Marriage is about compromise and 50/50, even in the sex department. You've basically got two options. Either keep giving in to his selfish wants, or don't. Either way will have a consequence, so you have to choose which one you can live with.

Completely cutting him off from all sex for a really long time might make him sing a different tune.

[CuriousGal330]

I don't believe he's gay as he enjoys vaginal and oral alot too lol he just happens to enjoy anal as well. And no of course he doesn't want anything in his bum but he still thinks that i should have something in mine?

i guess i'm just going to have to talk to him again about how I feel about it, and tell him seriously that i do not want to do it again. If he feels that anal is too important and that he doesn't want to live without it then I guess we're just not made for each other. It's horrible to say i love him but i'm not going to spend the rest of my marriage arguing over why i don't like anal or why he does or when he can have it or all that.

This whole situation seems ridiculous to me and it does make me feel like he values the sex part of our relationship over just being with me. I just don't understand why this one thing can be so important and why this one thing should effect our relationship?

[Judy246]

I personally do not like it.This is not pleasurable to me.  It's painful and can be damaging to your anus (tearning, bleeding, hemoroids, bacteria from waste that can result in infection and other future complications). The penis was not created to be used in the anus and I believe it's unatural, yet so many men enjoy this type of sex. I personally hate it and will not do it, whether he likes it or not.  The anus is for the expusion of our bodies waste, so if you have a tear, I you can actually catch bacteria, resulting in an infection and suffer from hemoroids.\

I relate anul sex to homosexuality. Many heterosexuals enjoy it, but I don't see or feel the purpose for something that feels extremely painful to me.

If you do not enhoy this type of sex, is not satisfying, but painful and are uncomfortable with the penis back there, you husband is just going to have to get over it and tell him that you don't like it, its painful causing tear, bleeding hemoroids and possible infection.  If he truly loves you, he will take you into consideration and respect the way you feel.

[CuriousGal330]

"I personally do not like it.This is not pleasurable to me.... The penis was not created to be used in the anus and I believe it's unatural, yet so many men enjoy this type of sex... The anus is for the expulsion of our bodies waste"

These parts that you said are exactly how i feel about it!! I don't think it's natural either and when i try and bring that up he thinks i'm just overreacting or says that i'm "just dramatizing anal sex"

Maybe it's just my catholic upbringing talking lol

[Judy246]

It's just me...I don't like it and it's unatural.....I just so happen to be a practicing Catholic too.

[jenstam]

ICK-my husband and I have tried it a few times, more so at his request. He tried telling me the same things, that I needed to relax more, that it would feel good then. I finally told him NO MORE. We tried it, I didn't like it, I think it's disgusting, and it won't happen again. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both of you, not just one of you. Also, I don't know if you have ever had HPV, but if you have, anal sex can increase your risk of anal cancer. Not safe! Just flat out tell him there will be NO more anal sex and that it has nothing to do with your love for him. It goes both ways! If he loves you, he will want to please you as well. Not just himself. That is selfish.

[Judy246]

Could you imagine a partner with a large penis!....you will end up in the hospital with trauma and bleeding.

[vmvnpv]

My DH and I tried anal once.  He enjoyed it.  I hated it.  He has never asked me to do it again.  Why?  Because he respects me and my body.  He would never dream of hurting me or making me uncomfortable with any sexual act all to satisfy himself.  He likes for me to be satisfied as much as he is.  If I'm not satisfied he feels like a failure in bed.

That's what love, respect and sex SHOULD be about.  Your husband is not respecting you.  I'm inclined to go with imanaddict and tell him to take it up his rear and see how he likes it.  Men like that just really tick me off!

[vmvnpv]

Not to mention it's a HUGE turnoff for DH if I'm not enjoying myself while having sex with him.  Anal doesn't give me satisfaction, nor pleasure.  He wants me to really be into it or not have sex at all.

[Judy246]

I tried it once in my life (in my 20's) long time ago. HATED it and I told him to stop immediately and I bled and it took a while to heal. Everytime I went to the toilet, it would reopen the tear. What type of pleasure is that unless a couple is into pain, well, I'm not. NEVER again!

I agree with vmvnpv love making should be mutually love, respect and satisfying.

[jo929]

I would divorce my husband before i would let him do that, it is digusting and i would image that it hurts. i am just glad thet my husband likes normal. in fact if he asked me i would probably put something up him and listen to him scream.love has nothing to do wit it when they want to do something that hurts you. and yet he is supposed to be in love with you, he just wants his way         luck  jo

[megochick101]

I do not like it at all either. Me and the hubby tried it(total of three times) and as soon as it started easing in every time i was like Oh hell no! lol The hubby still occasionally asks about it, probably hoping I'll change my mind with age or something crazy(lol) but I say no and he backs off about it.

You should never be made to do something you are uncomfortable with and if your hubby doesn't understand that after you tell him you don't want to do it then he does not respect you or love you. How can he love you if he is not even considering your feelings or thoughts on the matter?

He sounds selfish to me and i agree with everyone else. A couples sexual relationship is about mutual satisfaction not causing the other pain or misery just so one can get their ending.

[just_curious2]

well i had a big paragraph but my computer restarted on me :(.

to make a long story short, a while back i really wanted to try it w/ my girlfriend who is now my fiance. anyways, she was kinda skeptical about it, but let me. at first it did hurt hur, but she let me kept going. afterward, it didnt hurt her, but the next time we tried it i couldnt go in the whole way cause it was really hurting her. so, she was gonna let me do it a couple more times but couldnt cause of the burn. so one day we sat down and talked bout it. she told me pretty much what the rest of you ladies said and i simply said alright. i didnt want to hurt her. anyways to get to my point here; i really felt good, once you got it lubed up and and what not. it just one of those fanticies that guys get and wanna try out. we still talk bout it and what not. but we always talk aobut our sex life and were very open and honest w/ eachother. as i read all the comments i cant beleave how other peoples relationships are, just pull him to the side and talk. if he cant sit there and man up to listen to your needs (excuse my language) then hes a bit**!

[vmvnpv]

It's not one of those fantasies for this couple.  He is hurting her and she's told him how much she doesn't like it and he doesn't care.  Bottom line is he's only in it for himself and doesn't want to hear her complain.  He wants his way or no way.  It's much different than what you are describing.  I truly loving and caring man wouldn't want to hurt their SO and wouldn't push them to do what they want them to do against their will.

And I'm just curious.....what did you mean by how you can't believe how other relationships are?  All these women are in relationships with men who obviously care about their wifes/gf's wants and needs.  If the woman doesn't like anal then the man should understand.  If that's all he wants then he needs to find someone else who wants it too.  Any (real) man would just be happy getting it any way he can if he really loves the one he's with.

[just_curious2]

i aploagize. i shouldve specified. before i joined i have researched for a lot of different things to better myself. while researching and reading other peoples problems and comments (not just on here) i couldnt beleave how men were being so about them selves, and was treating them. i do agree that if she dont like it, the man should understand and stop it. i used to be the same way. i would pressure my girl into doing what i wanted. it was all bout me. but as i got older and matured more, i realize that its not all about me, and if i wanted to be w/ this wounderful girl i need to change my ways.

[vmvnpv]

Thank you for clarifying that.  :-)  I was starting to think you were a man who thought women should give in once in awhile to satisfy their man.  lol.

[just_curious2]

not at all. this is all new to me and when i start reading the different things i get over excited and when i write i loose my train of thought. but for real i have all the respect in the world for woman. i hate seeing them get abused or used. its not right. everyone has the right to live an equal life.

[CuriousGal330]

I talked to my husband over the weekend. Put it off for a while because I couldn't get the nerve up to speak with him lol

Long story short, he didn't take it too well. Apparently i'm being selfish and a b*tch and a lot of other things(the jerk). I've kind of just left him alone to take everything in as he is still upset about it and won't even talk to me right now. I don't know what to do. I did not expect a temper tantrum!

I don't know if I should try and talk to him again about everything or just wait for him to fully calm down or what i should do. He's basically been ignoring me since I told him??

[iam1butterfly]

Oh... what a big baby he is!
Give him his time to sulk and get over it.

[CuriousGal330]

I know, all i can think is he's acting like my daughter does when she gets her toy taken away and she's 3!! lol

[imanaddict]

You are NOT the one being a selfish B*tch, he is! Don't be fooled by his poor attempt to make you feel bad for him so you'll give in. This is no longer an option for him, so he's just going to have to enjoy sex the good ol fashioned way (if you're gracious enough to do that for him after this).

[CuriousGal330]

I actually feel so much better now that I told him and he can go and sulk all he wants but i'm done with the anal sex and i really do not care how much he wants to b*tch. I realized just by the way he's been acting that he's being an immature jerk so i don't feel bad about it at all.

However if he does keep up the toddler attitude I'm not about to give him any regular sex until he can act like an adult and treat me with some respect, I'm sick of his attitude I have 3 kids already I definitely do not need a 4th!!

[Vance2335]

Very good. You are doing everything perfect. Keep up the goo dpositive attitude and self-esteem and you will be ok.
Tell him if he wants anal he can find a guy to help him out but you will no longer be around for him.

[vmvnpv]

Your husband is a big baby.  He's calling you a selfish b*tch?  I'm sorry but it's your body and if he can't handle what you said like the man he's supposed to be then maybe he's not mature enough to be in a marriage.  Maybe counseling will help.  I personally wouldn't put up with that ****.

[j7653]

My wife and I used to have anal sex.  Not much, perhaps 4-5 times a year.  I thought she liked it cause I did ask her if she liked it (her answer was that it was like eating very spicy food - can be painful but for some reason you enjoy it).  And she acted like she enjoyed it.  But then in what seemed to me to be out of the blue, she decided no more anal sex.  She said she just didnt like it and that it hurt.  Didnt want to discuss it any more, and dont bug her about it.

This confused me and then made me feel pissed off.  I kept searching for an alternative reason why.  I kept thinking it was me - that she didnt love me enough anymore, that I didnt turn her on anymore.  I knew she had done it in the past and that bothered me too.  Now my wife would not do things that she had done with other guys.

As soon as I couldnt have it, I wanted it more.  It became the forbidden fruit.  And every single porn we would watch together seemd to have anal sex in it.  It seemed so mainstream, like "everyone was doing it" except me.  

So I may be able to understand how your husband could feel about this.  What made me understand better was her telling me that in truth she never liked anal sex and that earlier in our relationship she was willing to do things that she didnt like just to please me.  She realized that that probably was not a good idea, but it was done.

Learning that our partner is no longer willing to do anything to please us can be a painful experience.  It made me question not so much the anal sex, but what about me / her / our relationship changed?

This will sound "Freudian", but perhaps he doesnt know how to react to your refusal in an appropriate way because he is exhibiting some deep-seeded repressed feelings about acceptance and approval from his childhood / younger years.  Like for me, perhaps the loss of anal sex is more symbolic to him about perceived changes in you and your relationship.

I dont think you should do anal only to please him if you find it unacceptable.  But as a guy who has recently been "cut off", if you do still want to please him I can suggest that you think about some other ways that please him that are acceptable to you (sex toys, more oral, some other fantasy fulfillment perhaps?).  That might ease the rejection.

[CuriousGal330]

I have never tried to pretend that i liked anal. My husband always knew that i didn't not like it and did not want it at all. I'm fine with everything else sexually, so anything else he wants to do i'm game for, well besides swinging or threesomes, if he asked for those i might have to leave him lol.

Well the hubby started talking to me again today. We haven't had a talk about the situation yet because the kids are home and he was off to work, but he did wish me a good day and kissed me and said he loved me before he went to work so there's some progress lol I guess he's calmed down. So now i'll just have to talk to him tonight once the kids are asleep.

Thanks everyone for the advice I felt so much better just getting opinions from all of you, and feel completely better now that i have talked to him and he's calmed down! I'll let ya know how the talk goes.

[Barbie_Gone_Wrong]

What your husband is doing isn't right at all, I can understand a desire to fulfill a sexual desire but only if you both enjoy it and the fact that he only semms to concentrate on the pain factor.. surely that he causing pain to you should make him wnt to stop anyway? You have to be firm about the situation and tell him no, what's the difference between doggy and anal to him?

[Judy246]

I'm straight forward. If I don't like it, we are not going to do it that way. If he has a problem, we can talk about it without childish tantrums, but it's not going to change my mind. I just don't like it and won't do it. He has a choice...he can either understand my pain (literally speaking), cause problems in the marriage as a result, he can go somewhere else and get it, but don't come back, we will really get divorced over it, but simply said, I'm not doing it that way and I'm pretty good at everything else...he knows it and will come back, but no anul sex.

[CuriousGal330]

I haven't been on here since posting this and thought I would just update everyone on my situation. Me and my husband have been in marriage counseling since discussing our problems with this issue(we have other problems besides this) and our relationship is still a little rocky but it's been so much better since going into counseling. My husband now realizes that I am serious about never doing it again and that i don't even want anal mentioned. Now he does still occasionally bring it up to see how i feel about it, but once I say no, that's the end of it which is great because before the counseling he would just go on and on about the matter until we'd end up in a big fight, and now once i say no he drops it immediately. The counseling has just helped us both so much to better understand each other and communicate so much better with each other. It's still a process but one that is definitely working for us! I completely recommend counseling to anyone who has any problem in their relationship regardless of what it is, because even if you don't think you have a problem I still think it just helps out so much, because you get a new perspective on everything and it's just an eye opener!

[imanaddict]

That is wonderful news!! I hope everything continues to look up for you!