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Anal and my marriage
Ok never done any of these forum type things before but here goes.
My husband has an obsession with anal sex(in my opinion). He loves it and he asks for it all the time(even after we have just done it). We've been together for 5 years and I can't stand anal. I give it too him because it seems so important to him and he gets it maybe once a month. I hate it. I hate the thought of it, i think it is absolutely disgusting and nasty and there is no reason at all for it. I don't get any pleasure out of it, it freakin hurts and i don't want to have anything to do with it. Just the thought of it gets me upset.
He thinks sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and starts to feel very unloved if he goes without it for even a week. I on the other hand do not think sex is that important. I think communication/trust/honesty are the most important parts of any relationship.
I've tried to explain how i feel about anal to him multiple times, but he seems to think the only reason i don't want to do it is that it hurts, and he goes on and on about how "it can't hurt that bad" and that if i'd relax and try forplay i would learn to like it. i don't know how else to explain it to him. I do not want to even try to learn to like it the thought of it makes me sick!! and i've tried over and over to explain that to him but he just seems to focus on the hurting part and wants to try and i guess warm me up first. I'm not saying people shouldn't have anal sex, i'm not saying that in time i could have it and it be less painful. the plain and simple truth is I have no desire to have it, no desire to talk about it no desire to have anything to do with it. it just makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes i feel like i'm being guilted into doing it because i love him and he loves anal so much.
i just don't understand the fascination with sticking your penis in a place that **** resides in, it's gross lol I just feel like this one thing is going to ruin my marriage because we'll never be able to agree and i don't know how to even begin to compromise when the one time a month is pure hell for me as it is and he wants it even more.
i guess this post is more of a vent than anything lol I don't know what to do in this situation. if i could learn to love it i would try but it's not really about the act itself, my problem is about the way the act makes me feel adn that I do not at all approve of anal sex in the slightest. i can't seem to get my hubby to understand, and i can't seem to understand why he is fixated with it. I just have no idea anymore.
What the heck am I supposed to do? Will this issue ever be resolved????
Any advice would be very very appreciated.
My husband has an obsession with anal sex(in my opinion). He loves it and he asks for it all the time(even after we have just done it). We've been together for 5 years and I can't stand anal. I give it too him because it seems so important to him and he gets it maybe once a month. I hate it. I hate the thought of it, i think it is absolutely disgusting and nasty and there is no reason at all for it. I don't get any pleasure out of it, it freakin hurts and i don't want to have anything to do with it. Just the thought of it gets me upset.
He thinks sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and starts to feel very unloved if he goes without it for even a week. I on the other hand do not think sex is that important. I think communication/trust/honesty are the most important parts of any relationship.
I've tried to explain how i feel about anal to him multiple times, but he seems to think the only reason i don't want to do it is that it hurts, and he goes on and on about how "it can't hurt that bad" and that if i'd relax and try forplay i would learn to like it. i don't know how else to explain it to him. I do not want to even try to learn to like it the thought of it makes me sick!! and i've tried over and over to explain that to him but he just seems to focus on the hurting part and wants to try and i guess warm me up first. I'm not saying people shouldn't have anal sex, i'm not saying that in time i could have it and it be less painful. the plain and simple truth is I have no desire to have it, no desire to talk about it no desire to have anything to do with it. it just makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes i feel like i'm being guilted into doing it because i love him and he loves anal so much.
i just don't understand the fascination with sticking your penis in a place that **** resides in, it's gross lol I just feel like this one thing is going to ruin my marriage because we'll never be able to agree and i don't know how to even begin to compromise when the one time a month is pure hell for me as it is and he wants it even more.
i guess this post is more of a vent than anything lol I don't know what to do in this situation. if i could learn to love it i would try but it's not really about the act itself, my problem is about the way the act makes me feel adn that I do not at all approve of anal sex in the slightest. i can't seem to get my hubby to understand, and i can't seem to understand why he is fixated with it. I just have no idea anymore.
What the heck am I supposed to do? Will this issue ever be resolved????
Any advice would be very very appreciated.
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I am having this problem with my husband. I tried anal with a previous boyfriend who was not as well endowed as my husband is. We did the lube and the foreplay and the whole nine yards several times and it was awful. Tonight i let my husband finger my hole and it really hurt i can't sleep it hurts so bad. I am going to have a discussion again with him tomorrow. Which will be a waste of time since he has himself convinced that i secretly want it. I am so upset that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings or the potential damage it will do to my body. I really feel like it is ruining our marriage.
COMMUNITY LEADER
hello there. This is an old post. If anyone would like to begin their own thread, you can go to the top of this page and hit "ask a question" to do so.
I think everyone should do what they are comfortable with sexually and no one should be pressured or forced to do something they don't want to.
luck to all.
I think everyone should do what they are comfortable with sexually and no one should be pressured or forced to do something they don't want to.
luck to all.
Also to those saying their anus is an exit to an entrance, your vagina is also. I thought that way once also.
Anal sex does hurt in the beginning. Thinking its gross will never let you relax enough to enjoy. In a marriage, you and your spouse should be able to talk about sex. He should listen to what you like and you listen to what he likes. How can sex be one sided? If he only does what you like and and he doesn't ever get what he likes he may start looking outside his marriage for it. A couple should experiment with each other. Most women are shy or embarrassed about what their man will think about them. And your right they think about how awesome sex was last night. But if they aren't getting to be themselves sexually with their wife, someone will give them that fulfillment. So, when you are alone and masturbating, slip a finger in, next time two, then try a toy. Relax, its as enjoyable as the vagina. When you stretch enough that he can enter, you can work your other area while he's working him. It doesn't have to be anal sex all the time. But you can surprise him on occasion and direct him there yourself. You'll be amazed by his thoughts, ask him afterwards what he thought when you initiated anal sex. Men have desires as well as women. Sexual intimacy is a great factor in a relationship, if you don't have it, your relationship probably is stressful on both sides. My marriage survived when sex came alive for both of us. Never be ashamed to relax in sex, don't think about what y'all will do, just go with the mood, its an adventure. If you can't talk face to face, text him and ask what is something he wants to do sexually that y'all don't do, then you can tell him something he doesn't know you like or would like to try. Don't stop there, keep talking and exploring thorough your relationship.
why in the world would a man want to put his penis in an anus? that is just beyond me. it's disgusting. women have vaginas-! my a$$ has an "exit only" sign on it. only once did a man --former boyfriend years ago--ask me if I wanted to try anal and I said no and that was the end of it. he never asked me again. a man should respect your wishes and want to protect you. not harm you for god's sake.
OMG-***-*******-! NO way! Do not do it. There will be medical consequences! This is what Dr Drew says about *a$$ fu@&ing******:
...............................
Most women I hear from who want to make it more comfortable are having anal sex just to make their boyfriends happy. Are you kidding? If it hurts and it's awful, the answer should be, "Hey, dickhead, we're not doing this anymore." I'm telling you: Stop it, ladies!
If you have pain, your body is telling you something. There will be medical consequences. In the short term, there's the risk of tears, fissures, and fistulas. But I'm much more concerned about the long term. Go talk to a 75-year-old woman sometime who hasn't had anal sex, and you'll see that as you age, the rectal area has tons of problems associated with it anyway. You can get hemorrhoids and abscesses, and the rectum can prolapse into the vagina or out of the anus — and that's without ever having anal sex. Yet you're setting yourself up for these things with this behavior! If you don't have pain with anal sex, then your body may be tolerating it, although you still run the risk of problems. I shudder to think what's going to happen to young women later on when they continue to have painful anal sex.
—Drew Pinsky, M.D.
OMG-***-*******-! NO way! Do not do it. There will be medical consequences! This is what Dr Drew says about *a$$ fu@&ing******:
...............................
Most women I hear from who want to make it more comfortable are having anal sex just to make their boyfriends happy. Are you kidding? If it hurts and it's awful, the answer should be, "Hey, dickhead, we're not doing this anymore." I'm telling you: Stop it, ladies!
If you have pain, your body is telling you something. There will be medical consequences. In the short term, there's the risk of tears, fissures, and fistulas. But I'm much more concerned about the long term. Go talk to a 75-year-old woman sometime who hasn't had anal sex, and you'll see that as you age, the rectal area has tons of problems associated with it anyway. You can get hemorrhoids and abscesses, and the rectum can prolapse into the vagina or out of the anus — and that's without ever having anal sex. Yet you're setting yourself up for these things with this behavior! If you don't have pain with anal sex, then your body may be tolerating it, although you still run the risk of problems. I shudder to think what's going to happen to young women later on when they continue to have painful anal sex.
—Drew Pinsky, M.D.
Hello Dixie
Maybe you haven't had any trauma in your anus because you perfer it over vaginal sex. So glad that you enjoy your sex life. All couples should enjoy their sex life, and it is clear the poster and her husband are on two different levels when it comes to their sex life. He should NOT badger her to have anal, it is WRONG to make her feel bad about it. You know what? No matter how a man approaches it, anal always hurts.. why? Because our anuses are not elastic like our vaginas are. You know, I don't know about anyone else but I feel like you went overkill telling women that they should try to relax their muscles in their anuses and "if you tried it, you'd like it" ok. I don't care that you can't have an orgasm having vaginal sex. Have some class. Keep the details of your bedroom romps to yourself. The poster wasn't seeking advice from women who prefer anal sex. She said she didn't like it and how it made her feel..
To the poster-
I realize this post is older. I hope all is well. You should NEVER feel obligated to do ANYTHING that makes you feel bad or causes you pain or harm.
DM
Maybe you haven't had any trauma in your anus because you perfer it over vaginal sex. So glad that you enjoy your sex life. All couples should enjoy their sex life, and it is clear the poster and her husband are on two different levels when it comes to their sex life. He should NOT badger her to have anal, it is WRONG to make her feel bad about it. You know what? No matter how a man approaches it, anal always hurts.. why? Because our anuses are not elastic like our vaginas are. You know, I don't know about anyone else but I feel like you went overkill telling women that they should try to relax their muscles in their anuses and "if you tried it, you'd like it" ok. I don't care that you can't have an orgasm having vaginal sex. Have some class. Keep the details of your bedroom romps to yourself. The poster wasn't seeking advice from women who prefer anal sex. She said she didn't like it and how it made her feel..
To the poster-
I realize this post is older. I hope all is well. You should NEVER feel obligated to do ANYTHING that makes you feel bad or causes you pain or harm.
DM
why do most people assume because a guy who likes anal sex is gay? they are the one who is performaning the anal sex not receiving it.
not so my bf is large and i have never went to the hospital with trauma or bleeding!
the penis was not made to be put into the mouth either. only food drinks and medicine was but people still do that. anus is for the expusion of our waste, well our mouth is for the intake of our food that processes for the expusion.
i agree with you if you don't enjoy it then you shouldn't have to do it. did he try to or start having anal with you before you guys got married? i myself enjoy anal sex but i will tell you that if it is something that hurts me and i don't enjoy it then i am not goin to do it. if your relationship has to be based on you having anal sex with your husband then that is a relationship that you don't need to be in.
i have to tell you from experience if it is hurting you during anal sex then you have someone who don't know what they are doing or just don't care about you. my boyfriend and i have anal sex on a regular basis and i love it as much as he does. you have to learn to relax them muscles so you can enjoy. myself it is hard for me to have a vaganal orgasm but when we have anal sex it is no time and i am having an orgasm and it is so intense my whole body shakes. if he would take his time do it right and not hurt you i believe you would enjoy having it as much as he does. the other question why he enjoys anal sex so much as like other men it is because the thought of their penis being there and the thought of it being so nasty is what makes them want it that much more. anal sex isn't for everyone but i do have to say when you have a caring and loving partner it is a wonderful thing.
Have you tried going to an adult toy store and buying your husband an anal toy? I mean I know exactly how you feel on anal sex. I refuse to try it because one it not good to stick something up your butt repeatedlyas in it can lead to "leakage" and other unsanitary things. I always say its an exit not an entrace so I won't do it. But why not try an anal toy for him so you don't have to go through that pain?
He's insane saying anal doesn't hurt.. i think you should buy a strap-on and shove it up his @$$ and tell him that it'll help you get more into it. Then maybe he will think twice. I complete honesty.. you seem like the push over in the relationship, and he knows how to easily manipulate you into what he wants. He peer pressuring you, and that is not right. He is supposed to be you companion, not your sex toy. You never put him in his place in the beginning, and now look at where you are. You think you put him in his place, but you give up in the end. Not good. Put your foot down and say no more.
CuriousGal, I'm glad you are in counseling and it's helping your relationship, but I just had to give my two cents here in case things revert. The attitude and actions your husband was showing in your first letters are what most of us would call an abusive relationship. No healthy person who loved you would ever ask you to do something sexual that you were revolted by and/or that caused you pain. Sex is one of the most intimate forms of expression, and to go against someone in that area can cause all sort of damage to the relationship in general. Any man who forces that issue is not healthy/mature enough to be in a relationship and you should leave him. The fact that he was so insistent that you do it, yet entirely unwilling to experience it himself (or even try it) just emphasizes this point. I would never, ever stay with a man who compelled me go against my beliefs and health. Please don't demean yourself by trying to have a relationship with an abusive partner. If you can work it out and he can see the light and grow up and stop being selfish, that's fine and I'm happy for you, but if he has other areas like this or reverts back to pressuring you again, please ditch him. You are better off alone than with someone like that. You are worth something as a person, and your partner should love and respect you, not use you like a piece of furniture.
CuriousGal, I'm glad you are in counseling and it's helping your relationship, but I just had to give my two cents here in case things revert. The attitude and actions your husband was showing in your first letters are what most of us would call an abusive relationship. No healthy person who loved you would ever ask you to do something sexual that you were revolted by and/or that caused you pain. Sex is one of the most intimate forms of expression, and to go against someone in that area can cause all sort of damage to the relationship in general. Any man who forces that issue is not healthy/mature enough to be in a relationship and you should leave him. The fact that he was so insistent that you do it, yet entirely unwilling to experience it himself (or even try it) just emphasizes this point. I would never, ever stay with a man who compelled me go against my beliefs and health. Please don't demean yourself by trying to have a relationship with an abusive partner. If you can work it out and he can see the light and grow up and stop being selfish, that's fine and I'm happy for you, but if he has other areas like this or reverts back to pressuring you again, please ditch him. You are better off alone than with someone like that. You are worth something as a person, and your partner should love and respect you, not use you like a piece of furniture.
I am catholic too and have never let my husband *** in me that way he is catholic to and wouldn't do that outside of my vagina and he never has we didn't even have sex until our wedding night,but we do occasionally have anal sex and I admit that I have enjoyed it but he goes very very slowly at first and I know he loves me very dearly and I do him. He also likes it when i insert a finger to him. We are both very devout and enjoy a great open and loving sex life full of true passion. We do not use contraception I am in fact 4 months pregnant with my third child right now and we hope for a big family and are completly in love with God and eachother. I don't think this woman is being loved or respected but anal penetration if both consent and as foreplay does not contradict the churches teaching on human life. I wouldn't want to do it often though so as to care for my body and my anus bowl and muscles. I was so surprised when he did it facing me with my legs on his shoulders and I really liked it and could kiss and look into one anothers eyes experiencing eachother and I had a very very intense squirting orgasm when i touched myself as he penetrated me. He washed then we had sex vaginally and we both enjoyed it a lot. It is not for everyone
Not to be blunt but, buy a dildo and stick it in his a$$..... go through an ample amount of time equal to the duration of a normal sex act....
No means no in my opinion.
No means no in my opinion.
Ya I would tell him let me do it to you see how he feels about it. Then he's in your shoes and should understand.
That is wonderful news!! I hope everything continues to look up for you!
I haven't been on here since posting this and thought I would just update everyone on my situation. Me and my husband have been in marriage counseling since discussing our problems with this issue(we have other problems besides this) and our relationship is still a little rocky but it's been so much better since going into counseling. My husband now realizes that I am serious about never doing it again and that i don't even want anal mentioned. Now he does still occasionally bring it up to see how i feel about it, but once I say no, that's the end of it which is great because before the counseling he would just go on and on about the matter until we'd end up in a big fight, and now once i say no he drops it immediately. The counseling has just helped us both so much to better understand each other and communicate so much better with each other. It's still a process but one that is definitely working for us! I completely recommend counseling to anyone who has any problem in their relationship regardless of what it is, because even if you don't think you have a problem I still think it just helps out so much, because you get a new perspective on everything and it's just an eye opener!
I'm straight forward. If I don't like it, we are not going to do it that way. If he has a problem, we can talk about it without childish tantrums, but it's not going to change my mind. I just don't like it and won't do it. He has a choice...he can either understand my pain (literally speaking), cause problems in the marriage as a result, he can go somewhere else and get it, but don't come back, we will really get divorced over it, but simply said, I'm not doing it that way and I'm pretty good at everything else...he knows it and will come back, but no anul sex.
What your husband is doing isn't right at all, I can understand a desire to fulfill a sexual desire but only if you both enjoy it and the fact that he only semms to concentrate on the pain factor.. surely that he causing pain to you should make him wnt to stop anyway? You have to be firm about the situation and tell him no, what's the difference between doggy and anal to him?
I have never tried to pretend that i liked anal. My husband always knew that i didn't not like it and did not want it at all. I'm fine with everything else sexually, so anything else he wants to do i'm game for, well besides swinging or threesomes, if he asked for those i might have to leave him lol.
Well the hubby started talking to me again today. We haven't had a talk about the situation yet because the kids are home and he was off to work, but he did wish me a good day and kissed me and said he loved me before he went to work so there's some progress lol I guess he's calmed down. So now i'll just have to talk to him tonight once the kids are asleep.
Thanks everyone for the advice I felt so much better just getting opinions from all of you, and feel completely better now that i have talked to him and he's calmed down! I'll let ya know how the talk goes.
Well the hubby started talking to me again today. We haven't had a talk about the situation yet because the kids are home and he was off to work, but he did wish me a good day and kissed me and said he loved me before he went to work so there's some progress lol I guess he's calmed down. So now i'll just have to talk to him tonight once the kids are asleep.
Thanks everyone for the advice I felt so much better just getting opinions from all of you, and feel completely better now that i have talked to him and he's calmed down! I'll let ya know how the talk goes.
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