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Anger problems.
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Anger problems.

I have been in a relationship with this amazing girl for over a year now. We have lived together since we became partners and in the beginning things were great. Also, it was a time when I moved to a new city and didn't know anybody and needed to get a job because I came to this new place with little money. I also am passionate about DJ'ing and producing my own music. A few months after moving I didn't have a job, I totally stopped my music stuff, and I started to become anti-social. A little bit after the new year I was a victim of fraud and owed a few thousand dollars to a debt collection agency. A few weeks after this happened somebody hit my car and made over 1K damage to it. For some reason after all of this happened I totally became anti-social, I would lie about very dumb things, and I was getting depressed. I love my girlfriend so much but I have formed a habit of lying to her to get out of things. I know that I can not make up excuses for lying but it has been somewhat of a hard trip for me these past 10 months. Two weeks ago I left my girlfriend to come back home. It was very hard for me to do. I still can not believe I did it. I wonder to myself how much worse things can get. I feel really bad for leaving but things got so bad that I didn't know what else to do. I still can't stop lying to her about very pathetic things.

It is really hard for her to trust me because of the lies but I have not once cheated on her at all the whole time being together. About a week ago I told her the truth about anything I can remember that I lied about. I also promised her that I wouldn't lie anymore at all. And today I did it again. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't handle emotional things very well. Instead of getting sad I just get very angry and I blow up. Following that about an hour or few later I think about what I did or said and become said and then apologize. It always takes a little bit of time for me to go and apologize.

I don't want to lie anymore and I do not want to hurt her anymore. Now that I am home i feel that I have made a mistake and want to go back to her but I feel that in a few weeks I will feel the same as I did before I left to come back home this time. I am just a very frustrated, sad, and angry person. I need to stop lying because I don't want to live like this anymore. I have an odd feeling that if I just get a job here and save up some money and take care of some of the debt I have to get it off my mind I will become happier. I need someones help. Please, I need to talk to somebody that knows. Thank you.

- Dave
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7 Comments Post a Comment
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686059_tn?1293837427
Hi Dave, after carefully reading your post, I'm sorry to say that you are your worst enemy.

In the beginning, you stopped doing what you enjoyed and felt isolated in a new environment where you knew no one. I have to mention that D.J.' although you are passionate about, is not a career, bringing in a needed regular paycheck. You then experience victimization, fraud, car damange, which can add to stress and acumulated debt. All the above have an affected you and self esteem. You admit that you are a habitual liar. Lying means falsehood, you are hidding something and not truthful, dishonest, so you added to your burdens. You don't really love her because if you did, you would cherish and respect her. You wouldn't have never lie or cheated on her. You are the problem and you have issues or hidden demons that you need to confront and deal with. You stated the answer in your own post, "I have an odd feeling that if I GET A JOB here and SAVE up some MONEY, take care of DEBT", will ease some of your axiety. Yes, this will ease your problems, but the only person that can change you is you and the lying has to be dealt with, because it will always come to light and the one who is going to look bad is you. I also recommend that you seek counseling or talk to a priest who are trained to help you get down to the real problems in your life. Good Luck. Judy
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145992_tn?1341348674
If you don't mind me asking, can you give an example of a typical lie you would tell her?  I just wanted to see how small of the lies you tell or how big of the lies you tell and what they are about.  If you are lying to her and telling her that you can't go with her to a friend's house or to a party because you have other plans but you really don't and it's because of your anti-social tendancies, than I understand a little bit of why you lie.  Are you lying about not being in as much debt and are sort of living a double life to spare her the worry.  Is she aware of your depression and feelings?  Are you hiding the anti-social behavior from her?  I don't think getting a job will change your incesant lying, I think that's part of your personality and that's something you need to work on through counseling.  I just don't think you should go back to her until you've done some real work on yourself.  Otherwise you will just go back to your old ways and will be running in a circle.  Let her see that you are in therapy and working on getting help and then she may be able to trust you a little more and be willing to work through the other issues.
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Avatar_n_tn
A typical lie would be.

Well she doesn't really like my best friend and the only time I felt like I could talk to him was when she was asleep or busy. So I would talk to him on the phone and when I would come back she would ask me what I did. And I would say that I went outside to get some fresh air or something. Only reason why I lie about it is because I don't want her to bring anything up and start an argument over it. I would do little lies like that just so that I can avoid an argument.
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686059_tn?1293837427
These are small lies, but you are aware of the behavior. All this to avoid an argument?  I think it's time for you to learn how to effectively communicate with your g/g  and "discuss" any issues or questions she might have in a manner that won't turn into an argument, because when you lie it means you are hidding something,especially the truth.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't talk or spend time with a friend, unless the friend is a bad association and you both are aware of that.
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686059_tn?1293837427
sorry, I meant "g/f". Also, if you see she's going to start an argument, tell her straight out that you will talk to her, but discuss problems not argue.
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Avatar_f_tn
It's really much better to be open and tell the truth. I absolutely agree with judy that there's no reason you shouldn't be able to speak to your friend. It's very important to talk through the problem together. It is a problem and if you are open and honest, maybe your girlfriend will be able to help you. There are other ways available to you to help with your problem, such as talking to a counsellor.
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285927_tn?1380802356
I think first of all you need help. There are meds out there that help with this sort of thing while working thru your issues with a counselor. Secondly, I do not think it healthy for you or your gf to pursue a relationship based on lies. Maybe you did not cheat, but how is she to ever believe that when you lie about everything. Your relationship is set up for failure from the start. You need to get a sense of you back again. Right now you have nothing to offer anyone except a bad attitude and a pack of lies. Live on your own, pay your own way, start getting in the music again and go for help. When you get your self assurance together, then you will have plenty of time to share with someone else. You need to put you first for awhile.
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