Angry drunk blackouts with boyfriend

[roxby94]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now. I'm so happy. But there's a problem... We don't drink together often - maybe once every 2/3 months, but when we do for some reason I get really angry at him. I tell him to leave me alone and I don't want to be with him. It's really frustrating because I never remember it in the morning. I've had so many chances, things need to change. Also, I never used to be like this, and it never happens when I drink with my girl friends. Can anyone help?

[Nighthawk61]

Knowing that you and drinking is causing black outs with a loved one, and not both simply quitting, is the insanity of "Alcoholism". Why would one continue to drink , with a loved one, when this is the result ? other than not being able to say "no". ? Therefore, i think you both need help to quit drinking. My husband and myself both quit drinking in '99 for the same reasons. Although i became an angry drunk with him, it had nothing, zero to do with our relationship, other than the fact that i was angry that we both chose to drink together, My anger came from past issues and past relationships, so i don't automatically consider that you have a bad relationship when sober, other than of course, the fact that you both choose to drink together, rather than to stop and respect your relationship, but that is the definition of alcoholism, not necessarily a bad relationship when sober. (yeah, i said it twice, lol). Best of luck in your choices, and hope that your relationship is good , after making the right choice. (to quit drinking, at least together, for a start).

I have to say, for one (myself) that drank so much, it's been a long long time, since i missed doing it. Good actions equal good luck.  

[specialmom]

It does sound to me that you should realize that alcohol and you do not mix.  That's the first step.  Rage when drinking, losing your mind, etc. . .   I think it can happen but is not common.  I've been a social drinker and know man who drink a good deal and blacking out is NOT their norm.  Something about this is indicating a problem to me---  that when you DO drink, you do so to that extent.  I would consider not drinking anymore under any circumstances.  

Whether he is a good boyfriend or not or if you have some internal deep down resentment of him . . .   once you've had a year of not drinking, see if that is still surfacing.  Work on the things you can in the relationship--  sober.  good luck

[specialmom]

By the way, I understand that you are saying that this doesn't happen with girlfriends.  but that does not mean you should continue drinking.  That it happens with your loved one is all you need to know that alcohol is a problem in your life.  peace

[clement4now]

roxby94, what you've described are classic signs of alcohol abuse in an intimate relationship. For example: you drink together often, he tells you about negative things you say, and you can't remember exactly what has happened. You should get this sorted out before it goes any further. Try researching: 'National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism' (or NIAA), and 'Alcohol Problems and Relationships'... Best of Luck

[AnnieBrooke]

If you were to come back and say "My girlfriend was with us and she hadn't been drinking and she says I did this," that is one thing.  But it sounds to me like your boyfriend is the person telling you that you did it, and he is not reliable as a witness because he was drinking with you.  If you got to blackout-level drinking, he was probably also pretty drunk.  Some people re lightning-fast at claiming the other person is the thing they themselves are and feels guilty about or did the thing that they themself did.  Maybe in the mists of his drunken memories he could remember anger and yelling and he is just blaming it on you.

As the others have said, none of this is good in terms of what it says about your relationship.  You say "I've had so many chances."  But if you aren't even doing it in the first place, you are just being played, frankly.  He sounds like he is either manipulating you deliberately or drinking to excess himself and not clear on what he is doing.

[clement4now]

Hi,

Blacking out is actually a pretty common problem for any type of drinking, whether it's from occasional social drinking, binge drinking, or heavy drinking. Basically alcohol interferes with the brains ability to store short term and long term memory of events, that takes place during drinking. The more alcohol you consume at one time, the more memory loss you'll experience. That's why some events that take place during drinking may seem either fuzzy, confusing, or completely forgotten when you try to recall them. Drinking can also distort how we perceive events and incoming thoughts while they take place.

I have a suggestion, stop drinking with each other. This will help you determine whether this is an issue with alcohol, or an issue with the relationship itself. Another idea would be, start taping or recording the drinking you do together. Live footage doesn't lie, and documenting live events is one way you can separate facts from lies. If you notice that negative issues keep cropping up when you drink together, that means drinking has become a problem.

[Chima7]

First, you should never drink so much that you black out. You need to stop that behavior completely. It's very unhealthy and extremely unsafe behavior. If you can't drink in moderation then you will need to seek out treatment for your alcohol problem.

Secondly, I completely agree that since your bf is the only witness to these alleged outbursts then you have no way of knowing if it is actually true or if he is making it up (or if he is the one doing it but then blaming it on you). None of these options is a good thing so therefore I think it's time for you to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. If he is encouraging your blackout level drinking then he is not a good influence in your life, and worse if he's the one doing the yelling and being cruel thing while you're both wasted and then blaming you about it OR if he's making it all up then that's really bad too.

So it sounds like you have some very serious thinking and reconsidering to do.

[roxby94]

The next morning he's always so angry and upset and doesn't want to talk to me. He's a sulker so it takes him a while to forgive me... Why would he respond so upset if it was him who acted badly in the first place?

[AnnieBrooke]

Because if you beg his forgiveness, he has power over you.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Generally speaking, when we're drunk, off come all the constraints that we have on our behavior when we are not drunk.  Do you remember saying these things or is this what he tells you that you do?  If you remember doing it, then my suggestion is that you find out what you're mad at him about.  It could be that when he is drunk he is unpleasant, and that is why you say you want him to leave you alone, but it also could be that you really aren't as happy as you say you are with him.  

[roxby94]

I never remember saying these things, he tells me the next day. If I make a conscious effort not to drink too much, it doesn't happen. But last time, it hadn't happened for so long so I let loose and it was worse than ever!

[AnnieBrooke]

Frankly, if you don't remember doing it, what reliable witness do you have that you do it?  (Besides your boyfriend, I mean.)  For all you know, he is as blotto as you and is the one doing the yelling and saying he wants to be gone, and blames you for it when everyone comes back to being not drunk.

[roxby94]

But he's so angry and upset the next day. It takes a while for him to forgive me... Why would he act this way if it was him who did it in the first place?

[AnnieBrooke]

He might not know it is him.  How drunk does he get, or do you not remember that either?

[roxby94]

I don't remember that either :(

[AnnieBrooke]

So basically you go out drinking together, and you black out (does blacking out ever happen when you drink with anyone else?) and when you get home, he is enraged with you and claims you have said a whole bunch of bad things and sulks and makes you feel really bad and beg his forgiveness and all.  This frankly stinks.  It might just be uber-manipulation on his part, and it might be him drinking to blackout also or near-blackout and being the one who says the rude things.  I'd try to get someone who knows you to witness what happens with a sober eye, and then to tell you, either you alone or both of you, what happened.  As one of the other posters said, they should film it.  

This sounds like a bad relationship to me, I'm sorry to say it.