Anybody experience this?

[PassionFlower09]

I am trying to trust my husband ( he lied about somethings). I am always alert and looking out for signs of deception now. It is hard;sometimes I have to laugh at myself b/c it seems almost comical, but sadly I still feel I have to be non guard and be on defense.

Anybody find themselves searching pockets, and checking emails. The more I find, the more I am motivated to look for things. I just can't trust now. I still feel decieved.  I am just afraid to trust. I don't want to be hurt.

I am feeling better emotionally, but I am still upset.

PassionFlower

[PassionFlower09]

HI Adam,

My husband knows that his behavior was wrong. But he also says that, " I  was soooooooo insecure"; so naturally he had to lie.

It makes me sad Adam. I look at him now, and I see someone who decieved me.
I never asked for anything but the truth.

I can see he is trying, but I now have so much doubt. I find myself asking, " why is he being so nice, or thinking he must be guilty of something- maybe he is doing something again that he should not be doing. Or  I ask myself why is he considering me now- what changed to make him so concerned now (maybe my disposition or the affect of his lies on me); he never considered my feelings before regarding the people and things he has been lying about in the past 7 months".

Anyway, I too have had to decide whether accepting these lies as inconsequential is necessary in order to save my sanity and marriage. I decided to live my life. If he wants to be with me, then he must be honest and play by my rules ( I don't have many). I am young and beautiful. I don't have to "try" to make anyone love or respect me. There are many many many men who will give these things to  me without a blink of an eye.  I don't want us to be separate, but it is his choice. That is, everything depends on his actions.

[Adam14]

I have caught my wife in several lies -- some big - some small. It is very hard to get back trust if they don't see their behavior as wrong and are willing work to regain your trust. Unfortunately, Passion, I don't think your husband sees his behavior as wrong and is certainly not willing to do anything about it.  My wife is not cheating on me and, if so, I would react differently. I have come to the conclusion that my wife grew having to hide things (however small) from past partners, parents, or children. I have had to decide whether accepting these lies as incosequential is necessary in order to save my sanity and marriage. I have chosen to do so and am hopeful that she will learn to trust me and the lies will stop.

[PassionFlower09]

Thanks guys. You mean a lot to me; and so does your advise. I will take it to heart.

PassionFlower 09

[specialmom]

I am just impressed with the caring and wise advice these ladies have given here.  Passion, I so hope you find peace and all works out for you.

[lovemykids465]

Passion, you can not control your husband. This will drive him away or may be why he will lie. I know when I found out I tried to control and one night while we were fighting my husband said Yes, I screwed up and right now I need my wife not a mother! That really hurt me but I realized I was treating him like a child. It takes two to heal a relationship. Yes, I still occasionally check up on my husband but not as much. He has really not given me any reason to. But If you do find him lying again, do not be a door mat.

[mami1323]

It is a long hard process....it takes time to rebuild trust because trust is such a sacred thing.  You have to take a step back every time you think he's lying and say to yourself, am I going to leave him?  Is this worth fighting over?  Could it be that he's lying or that I just feel that he is because of the past?  Try to control your thought process.  Once you get that down pat, you will be fine.  As long as your husband continues to do things to improve your relationship and to gain back your trust it will get easier.

[PassionFlower09]

He got rid of the cd's. I don't know if he still speaks to them. He says he does not speak to them.But only God knows.

This is a long hard process. He has to regain trust, and I have to learn how to trust him. I have to deal with my anger and hurt.

[mami1323]

PassionFlower does he still speak to these women?

[Judy246]

To be honest with you, I personally wouldn't tolerate ANY crap from my b/f (fiance, husband, etc). As soon as I found out that he was being a lier, dishonest or high risk for infidelity, I would be right out the door!

Show him everytime that behaviors as such will not be tolerated ( 0 tolerance for lying husband or cheaters). I'm bold enought to tell him, "She goes or I go and that means any connection with her effective immediately...now"), but that's just me.

[PassionFlower09]

This happened a while ago, but he has been lying about it for  a while.

[PassionFlower09]

My husband is  a jerk. This B**** gives him music and puts it on his phone like its the last music on earth.

[mami1323]

I just feel that having to control my fiance's every move is too time consuming and a waste of energy.  In my mind, if they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat, no matter how much we try to watch what they do.  Your husband could call the other woman from his job phone, or even by a second phone and keep it at work.  He can use the internet at work and create emails under different names, he can be just as sneaky as he wants to be but relationships are about trust.  If you have none, than it's very hard to continue.  My fiance cheated and I don't go through his things at all.  Why should I?  If he's going to do it again, then nothing will stop him, not even my master detective work.  Yes, it may make it harder but it's not impossible.  You can't treat your husband like a child, the more you control, the more they will pull away.  That of course is just my opinion.  

[weezer_wonder]

Honestly... I don't trust my husband as far as I can throw him these days, but I'm still with him and we've been married a year, in May. He's done some sketchy things, but doubt he's followed through with anything, I usually cut him off at the path though. Anyways, I check his e-mails daily, receipts, texts, calls, bank accounts, computer history... Makes me feel in control I guess. After the least stunt I pulled with him, he knows not to do it anymore, but I stay aware. I made my vow and I plan on sticking it out, family making and all. Just don't tire yourself out by it.  Lay down the law and jack move his man card!

[PassionFlower09]

Yeah,  I agree with you all.

Sadly,  I still think my husband lies. Although, he considers that he is not lying b/c he is helping someone who this needs  his help (this stupid ***** girl and her mother).

EVERY time I look I find something- a new secret personal phone number, new account, email, or etc.

I don't think he is having an affair, but I don't have any evidence to the contrary. I don't know how far his help of these "women" went.  He never let me see any emails he sent to them. HE did  not even let me be present when he supposedly told the girl to stop calling- according to him he said that he told her that if she calls some people will think they are having an affair, and she would not want someone calling her boyfriend.Hell knows what he really said to her.

I am sorry for venting . I am just still angry. It is not easy for me to swallow **** that has been stuffed down my throat. But again, I still love my husband. But I have not yet resolved to forgive him.

[PassionFlower09]

Yeah,  I agree with you all.

Sadly,  I still think my husband lies. Although, he considers that he is not lying b/c he is helping someone who this needs  his help (this stupid ***** girl and her mother).

EVERY time I look I find something- a new secret personal phone number, new account, email, or etc.

I don't think he is having an affair, but I don't have any evidence to the contrary. I don't know how far his help of these "women" went.  He never let me see any emails he sent to them. HE did  not even let me be present when he supposedly told the girl to stop calling- according to him he said that he told her that if she calls some people will think they are having an as what he really said to her.

I am sorry for venting . I am just still angry. It is not easy for me to swallow **** that has been stuffed down my throat. But again, I still love my husband. But I have not yet resolved to forgive him.

[mami1323]

I was the same way also as lovemykids and also came to the same conclusion as she did. I would drive myself nuts looking at and analyzing his phone bill. It would cause me more anxiety and anger and would make us argue over nothing. Eventually I said I would go by his actions and start to trust him bit by bit. The need to check constantly diminished. You can't live life like this and you are killing your own happiness. Try your hardest to enjoy your marriage and if the day does come that you ever do find out he is lying again than deal with it then.

[lovemykids465]

I know where you are. I did it and still do at times. It will take time but if he is being honest now and you do not find anything your need to look will diminish. I even thought I found stuff when I didn't. If that makes sense. I would see a # I thought was suspicious and get all ticked off and then call it and a woman answered and I hung up only to be out with a girl friend of mine one day who said man I keep getting these strange hang up calls on my cell. Turns out my kids used their dad's phone to call her son. Boy I felt like a jerk. Still never told her it was me hanging up. I would * 67 the number so it came up private caller. But it honestly is no way to live. I have gotten to the point where if there is no sign or signal I do not check. And If I do find something one day I guess I will have to deal with it when it happens instead of living in fear and dread.

[Judy246]

I don't see how anyone can live there life with there husband, mistrusting, going through pockets, e-mail and see your husband in a different light than what it should be. It is very unhealthy and emotionally debilitting to constanty have eyes of suspicion. That is no way to live and it's a dysfunctional unhealty relationship. Communication and trust are the foundation of a relationship and if you don't have them, your marriage is headed for trouble. The lie needs to be immediately addressed, so it will be necessary to find the right time and address what has happened, why did it happened, how can the issue be resolved and how can trust be rebuild again. You don't state what he lied about and it would have been helpful for us to get right to the point on how best to address and resolve that particular lie. I'm only assuming it has to do with another woman, but we do respect your decision not to state the details. I also recommend a marriage counselor that can get to the problems within your marriage and how best to resolve them. Sometimes, it's very helpful to have a trained mediator to address all the issue. Good Luck, Judy

[specialmom]

I am glad you are feeling better emotinally.  The other takes time.  Trust is one of those things that people earn.  If they do something that wipes it out, then it takes time to get it back to the level it once was.  I started my relationship off with my husband as a super sleuth after a disappointment from a past boyfriend (the jerk!).  But I found as I looked and found nothing, it eventually got old.  I stopped doing it years ago.

I would talk to your husband and tell him that you want to trust him and believe in him but it takes time.  It would help if he is open with you about everything.  As he does that and time goes on, you will start to trust him again.  

I always think that I feel better when I proactively look at why the trust situation occured in the first place.  I don't know your situation but if there are things that can be better within the relationship, it always helps build trust by working on those areas together.  Keep your chin up and good luck