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Avatar universal

Appropriate playing with dad

I've been dating for 2 yrs with my boyfriend who has two biochildren 9 yrs old and a daughter 13 yrs old.  I've had several instances where I've addressed her inappropriate behaviorior by sitting on his lap, horseplaying or jumping on his back. My children are grown and I never experienced this behavior as a divorce parent with my childrens biofather. Recently we had differences on allowing her to slap him while horseplaying. I was infuriated with her behavior and him allowing it. He babies her and allows so much that I don't feel appropriate when they are horseplaying.  Many times I have told him that she is getting older and to set different boundaries but he doesn't see what is wrong. When is appropriate to stop horseplaying and when to stop sitting on daddy's lap?
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14757565 tn?1438301624
It turns my stomach when I see a man what I can best describe as "flirting" with his daughter, and I don't understand it.
Helpful - 0
14757565 tn?1438301624
Hi in the beginning of my rela, I thought the same of behavior with my guy and his oldest daughter, I stepped back and reevaluated.  He brought it up to me that she still insists he kiss her on the lips, then he says, "I know she won't want me to kiss her on the lips forever."  Whenever he brings it up I just say "Yea, my oldest already turns her cheek."  I began to limit my time with him and his kids until I can make sure he is indeed worth overlooking what I feel is abnormal affection with his kids.
I'm a very affectionate mother with my daughters who are now 6 & 8, I kiss hug, hold hands, and use words to show my affection.  As my 8 yr old ages, she pulls away more from the physical affection, which I expect and feel is more appropriate as well, but I hug her, hold her hand, brush her hair, vocally express my love in many ways.
He's seemed to cap the over-affection from what I see.  He'd bend to the oldest's every whim, and neglect the other two in that regard. The oldest gets away with breaking the rules, and the younger two get punished.  I won't live with a man who parents this way, it will cause too much friction.  I'm in a wait-and-see stage right now.. but it's not my place to tell him what he can or shouldn't do with his child.  I can give him my opinion, and let it be.  If I don't like it, then he's not for me.

I personally agree with you.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
If this behavior infuriates you, i hope that you have a poker face, as it would be a shame to have an outsider trying to infiltrate on how this lion is teaching his cubs to be playful.and in doing so learn how to associate love with joyful abandon.   To answer your direct question, there is no answer, until there is outright abuse or neglect going on. Without someone pointing fingers and involving the law, the rules of etiquette are unique to each family group raising their offspring. I think that unless there is something , happening where there are outright signs of inappropriate sexuality and other then your subjective opinion , you need to support your partner and find acceptance and trust in your heart that he knows what he's dong.

I do know that it is the lack of appropriate affection from a parent that makes their kids more likely to seek out in appropriate affection from others when they grow older.

One question, is a playful slap when roughhousing, any different then learning how to box ?
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Avatar universal
This is a 'red flag' for You - it would behoove You to see it as such.

You are WAY beyond annoyed by Your BoyFriend and His Daughters' behaviors. You are "infuriated" - this is a BIG message for You.  Fury is a major emotion - and is not conducive to a good (healthy) relationship between the 3 of You.  

You describe a 'different' interaction with Him and His Daughter than what You have with Your Children.  This doesn't make them 'wrong' - just 'different' than You and Your Children.  It doesn't make You 'wrong' either, just 'different'

and

if You feel "infuriated" when You see Them "horseplay" perhaps You should re think if You want to be in this relationship.  If there is no abuse here, it's not for You to decide what is 'appropriate' for Them

This is why so much of the time it does not work to blend two families.  You ALREADY have interaction with Your Children and He with His.  He should not try to change Yours to suit Him, nor should You try to change them.  You always have the right (and the ability) to change Your own choices - but not Theirs

GoodLuck

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Agree with SM.

All the best.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  I really encourage you to take a step back.  I have 11.5 and 10 year old boys.  We are very affectionate and loving.  My boys goofing around and hanging on me, wrestling with me, sitting on my lap (especially my 10 year old) is pretty normal stuff.  It's not anything weird if it is a family's norm.  

I would not go down the path of your husband to not want to engage in physical play, affection, having his daughters on his lap or you will alienate him from you.  I personally would not be with someone who had ANY problems with the level of physical contact I have with my kids.  Or any type of suggestion that it isn't appropriate.  Because that is MY relationship with my kids which is really important to me and them and that comes before all else.

The older kids get, the less they engage in that with their parents.  Then it is a novelty of past times and nostalgic and just to be funny often.  The 13 year old will be getting very distracted into her own life very soon. And certainly you don't have a problem with a 9 year old sitting on her dad's lap do you?  

If you can't get past it and this really bothers you, I'd say that this isn't a good relationship for you to be in.

If you think something sexual is really going on, then call child protective services and the police and obviously, you shouldn't be with him from that point on.

good luck
Helpful - 0
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