Aa
At my wits end
My adult son lives miles away from me; I was a divorced from my son's father when he was a toddler and worked two jobs all my life while raising him - he and his father have an estranged relationship and we have always been very close. My son has medical issues that cause him to take lots of medications and he has lived miles away from me for over 20 years. I'm entering retirement and looking forward to doing what I want in my next hopefully 20 yrs or so. My son and I have had a merry-go-round relationship - I have always been there for him - but in the last 10-15 years our relationship has changed. I have to walk on egg shells as I never so the right thing or provide enough attention or love him just the right way. He becomes verbally and emotionally abusive and cuts me out and the lets me back in with deep sincere apologies of the hateful words he says to me. He tells other people how unsupportive I am and sends me articles telling me how I don't support him and favor others over him including my passions of things I'm involved in. He calls and cries for hours on hours on the phone regarding the struggles of his life and I do not know how to respond to his liking so he cuts me off. I only know survival and try to draw on experiences of such to encourage him and that just angers him more. Nothing is right - no idea - I have helped as much as possible over the years with financial support when needed - but am no longer in a position that I have extra money or even enough to meet our own obligations as my husband has lost his job and is not having luck finding a new job. He most recently has friended a much younger friend of my and has demeaned me to her and has a new ear to share all of his frustrations regarding medical and financial issues which he faces. My son is in his mid 40's and I just don't know what is the right thing to do. He is now sending me articles telling me I don't show him emotional support etc and this just is not true. PLEASE PLEASE - he has very low moods and then very high moods, he has difficulty retaining relationships and goes way off the deep end when they end and he does nasty stuff to get even when the relationships fail. PLEASE HELP ME…. He is a good caring loving person but I think the medications his epilepsy and HIV is really affecting his self worth…. PLEASE PLEASE ANY INPUT APPRECIATED. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH he know's my buttons and he hits them all the time...
Thank you for your comments as that is exactly how I'm feeling; I have had enough...
I agree it is more like a competitive mother/daughter relationship but my sons emotional behavior and feelings are more feminine. Plus he is a hair stylist in Beverly Hills - so ......
This is kind of an unusual mother/son dynamic. It really sounds much more like a drama-filled mother daughter relationship. Usually sons who are abusive are physical, and demand money. For him to be so jealous and pissy all the time and whiny and demanding is unusual.
But I do agree with the others. You don't owe him anymore.
If what you were doing was working, I'd say keep at it and pour your energy into it. It's not working - he's getting worse.
Sometimes as painful as it is you just have to walk away. I doubt it would be more painful than what he's doing to you now.
But I do agree with the others. You don't owe him anymore.
If what you were doing was working, I'd say keep at it and pour your energy into it. It's not working - he's getting worse.
Sometimes as painful as it is you just have to walk away. I doubt it would be more painful than what he's doing to you now.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure it's very difficult.
Understand something VERY clearly, your son is an ADULT, meaning you're not OBLIGATED to do a darn thing for him anymore. Anything you DO decide to do is you being kind and generous, which I'm sorry to say he doesn't appreciate.
Your son is abusive and you need to start setting boundaries immediately. Do NOT engage in conversations back and forth about how awful you are, don't read the articles he's sending you (how ridiculous!) and most importantly, do NOT put up with his abuse. Make it very clear to him (by telling him ONCE)....that you love him and will always help him when you can, but that you're not required to do the things he expects, and yes, you are well within your right to put yourself first, you've raised him already. Then tell him that you will NOT tolerate his verbal abuse for one minute more. Tell him that unless he can be respectful of you, and stop making demands, you will distance yourself from him (and then follow through!).
As for him bad mouthing you to others, there isn't a whole lot you can do about that I'm afraid except for avoiding the drama completely. Do NOT engage. Hopefully the people he's bitching to about you will realize that that is all part of his manipulative game to get what he wants from you.
I really recommend you seeking out some therapy for yourself to help you deal with this, I'm sure it's VERY hard. What does your husband say? I'm sure he gets upset that you're treated this way.
He's getting away with his awful behavior because you've allowed it. Time to put your foot down. Even if he has some kind of mental illness, that's not on you either....HE is responsible for making sure he gets the help he needs, and having a mental illness is NEVER an excuse to treat others poorly. Don't talk yourself into that thought process that "he can't help it, he's sick". He most certainly CAN help it.
The less you feed the nonsense, and the more you stick to your guns, the more likely it is that he'll eventually come around. Once he sees that he cannot guilt and manipulate you into getting what he wants, he'll probably stop trying.
I wish you the best, please keep us updated!!
Understand something VERY clearly, your son is an ADULT, meaning you're not OBLIGATED to do a darn thing for him anymore. Anything you DO decide to do is you being kind and generous, which I'm sorry to say he doesn't appreciate.
Your son is abusive and you need to start setting boundaries immediately. Do NOT engage in conversations back and forth about how awful you are, don't read the articles he's sending you (how ridiculous!) and most importantly, do NOT put up with his abuse. Make it very clear to him (by telling him ONCE)....that you love him and will always help him when you can, but that you're not required to do the things he expects, and yes, you are well within your right to put yourself first, you've raised him already. Then tell him that you will NOT tolerate his verbal abuse for one minute more. Tell him that unless he can be respectful of you, and stop making demands, you will distance yourself from him (and then follow through!).
As for him bad mouthing you to others, there isn't a whole lot you can do about that I'm afraid except for avoiding the drama completely. Do NOT engage. Hopefully the people he's bitching to about you will realize that that is all part of his manipulative game to get what he wants from you.
I really recommend you seeking out some therapy for yourself to help you deal with this, I'm sure it's VERY hard. What does your husband say? I'm sure he gets upset that you're treated this way.
He's getting away with his awful behavior because you've allowed it. Time to put your foot down. Even if he has some kind of mental illness, that's not on you either....HE is responsible for making sure he gets the help he needs, and having a mental illness is NEVER an excuse to treat others poorly. Don't talk yourself into that thought process that "he can't help it, he's sick". He most certainly CAN help it.
The less you feed the nonsense, and the more you stick to your guns, the more likely it is that he'll eventually come around. Once he sees that he cannot guilt and manipulate you into getting what he wants, he'll probably stop trying.
I wish you the best, please keep us updated!!
Thank you for your comments - he has totally given me the silence treatment - de-friend me on FB - etc… So I'm not responding to any of it...
Thank you so much for the suggestion…. his highs and lows are so difficult; when he's in a relationship and it is going well things are really quite and then when he's not the phone rings, the emails and texts fly, he's 45 and cries so hard he can't breathe and I as a mom feel so helpless. I'm a very strong survival mode of an individual and he is so fragile - he lives far away and seems to resent that I have other activities and I've just found my paternal family that I didn't know and have taken 3 weekend trips to meet more members of my family and he's resentful of that, he's resentful of my involvement in other activities I'm passionate about. He rights messages saying he's my only son… We spent some very special time together recently fishing in Washington State on a raining day on a river - I try to make at least 1-2 trips a year to see him and go out of my way to make him feel special but the serenity of the fishing trip was wonderful… just the two of us and a guide. It was special and I cherish the fact there was no tension….
Has he been diagnosed with a mental disorder?
You say you are walking on eggshells. Funnily enough that's the title of a book on coping with borderline personality disorder in family members. What you wrote seemed reminiscent to me of this disorder. Medications don't usually help except for co-morbid depression or anxiety. The treatment of choice is dialectical behavior therapy. But he'd have to come to a decision himself that he wants to get better.
Take a look at the book in a library or bookstore; it has a lot of strategies for coping with someone with BPD--no easy feat!--that are also useful for dealing with people with other mental disorders.
You can also find information on coping with BPD on the internet; as I recall there is something quite useful from Mclean Hospital in Boston.
You say you are walking on eggshells. Funnily enough that's the title of a book on coping with borderline personality disorder in family members. What you wrote seemed reminiscent to me of this disorder. Medications don't usually help except for co-morbid depression or anxiety. The treatment of choice is dialectical behavior therapy. But he'd have to come to a decision himself that he wants to get better.
Take a look at the book in a library or bookstore; it has a lot of strategies for coping with someone with BPD--no easy feat!--that are also useful for dealing with people with other mental disorders.
You can also find information on coping with BPD on the internet; as I recall there is something quite useful from Mclean Hospital in Boston.
Have you tried Friends & Family support group thru NAMI web site? It helps to share coping strategies. I feel for you. Do what is best for you for now.
Thank you for your input; he does not have a girlfriend - he has had different partners and I'm supportive as I know sexuality is not a choice. He suffers from deep bouts of depression and anxiety and when things are really bad he speaks to whomever for hours on end with his frustrations, problems and complaints seeking emotional support for solutions to his issues which sometimes are inflated and sometimes not. However, when he seeks advise and suggestions are made he gets angry if you draw from your own experience or even make open suggestions. He then threatens to stop taking his meds, tells you he has no family support (he does this same thing to others) and becomes very emotionally abusive. He has attempted suicide once...
He most recently has friended a much younger friend of my and has demeaned me to her and has a new ear to share all of his frustrations regarding medical and financial issues which he faces.
Some words went missing above but I assume you mean your son has a girlfriend?
You can't be responsible for him, just responsible to him. You have done your best, but he is unable to accept that. You can't live his life. Perhaps you need to accept this about him in order to be less emotional about his rudeness? I am not faulting you, just being blunt because the anxiety you experience is because of your perceptions. Perhaps he can't change, but you can? Please write back with your thoughts.
Is there a distress center you can call to talk about this? Do you live in a city with services?
Some words went missing above but I assume you mean your son has a girlfriend?
You can't be responsible for him, just responsible to him. You have done your best, but he is unable to accept that. You can't live his life. Perhaps you need to accept this about him in order to be less emotional about his rudeness? I am not faulting you, just being blunt because the anxiety you experience is because of your perceptions. Perhaps he can't change, but you can? Please write back with your thoughts.
Is there a distress center you can call to talk about this? Do you live in a city with services?
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