Attraction while bein in love continued

[boogiefly]

Hello, I know this was all childish for everyone, but seriously, my boyfriend asked me to tell him that I was attracted to other people, and now he is really upset. You know, I really don't know what to do to make it up to him.  His issue is that I used to give him crap for years for looking at girls and porn, but he said I did the same thing.  The reason I gave him crap is because I was a teenage girl and he wanted me to be into girls with him, and I was so confused all the time.  He told me I was perfect and beautiful, then told me that he like other girls in his school.  This was years ago, but after that, he also like other girls and lied about it, even when I would ask.  And when I did ask, he'd get angry and tell me to leave him the F alone, and he would threaten to break up.  7 years into our 14 year relationship, I like 5 guys and now he is all angry and saying he probably should have left me.  This is the problem.  He keeps saying he wants to leave me.  I don't get why he thinks I am so horrible.  I just need some insight.  Am I horrible?  Am I a mean person for getting jealous of him liking other girls when I was younger and am I terrible for looking at other people later on?  I know this seems dumb, but like I said in the last post, we agreed not to look at other people (again, his idea), and he always did, and I got upset, and now I am in trouble because I got upset????  Does this make sense?

[adr333]

DUMP HIS SORRY ***!

[mami1323]

Exploring sexual fantasies together is fine if its something that you both want to do not when you have to be forced or threatened with it. He sounds very controlling and manipulative. You need to go get therapy for yourself and for only yourself because I feel that if you build up your self esteem you will see he isn't worth all this heartache.

[boogiefly]

Yep, he actually does tell me now all the girls he likes and when we were younger he used to flirt with girls he worked with and then tell me he didn't like them. He wasn't honest and I knew, but he'd never admit it. Now he is mad cuz I should have admitted liking people too.

[jo929]

Girl he has you right where he wants you and you are just like a lil ole puppy dog you do just as he says i would no more have a threesome than i would jump off a roof, that alone shows you he does not love you, also you still have not tied the knot, but i do not think you should, not that he will. but why are you wasting your life for things that have no value would you want to raise you kids if you have any like this to grow up and to have threesomes and never marry, and have children, you need to wake up, and maybe this ans may just do the job read your posts as a stranger would and then ans it look at the wasted years what have you learned except sex  luck  jo

[megochick101]

Oh and just to add, pointing out someone who you find attractive to your bf/gf is NOT a great idea. I don't care if they ask you to tell them, it's not going to be a good idea. Do you want to hear about every person your bf is attracted to? NO of course not? Why should you care, as long as they don't act on that attraction, there's no point in saying anything. It'll only cause problems(like insecurity, etc)

[megochick101]

I'm sorry, but you both do sound immature to me.

You should only explore each others fantasy's if both him AND you are comfortable with them. Since you were at first not comfortable with a threesome, and you told him this he should have back off and not mentioned it to you. He basically tried to guilt and threaten you into the threesome, and that is NOT a good sign at all! If he loved and respected you, he would have respected your decision and left it at that.

I agree with mami, you need to either get over all this, or leave him and find someone else. If you do decide to stay with him, I think you two seriously need to go to some couple's therapy, so BOTH of you can just let it go already.

Also i wan to add, you can NOT just force yourself to NOT be attracted to another man. It does not matter if your bf is the love of your life, there will be other men out there that make you stop and think "oh he's cute" and there is NOTHING wrong with this. YOU did NOT do anything wrong by thinking a guy, or 5 guys or whatever was cute or hot whatever. As long as you didn't go and make out or have a sexual relationship with any of them, then there is  NOTHING WRONG with finding someone else attractive. It's natural, Both of you really really need to let the past be the past, and if you can not do that, then you need to move on to someone else.

[specialmom]

Okay, what type of insurance do you have?  Is there mental health coverage for therapy?  Look into it.  You should be able to get at least 6 sessions if you have even marginal coverage.  Worth looking into.  I think your relationship is going to come to a crashing halt soon, unfortunately and  I think you'll need someone to talk to that can really help you.  It sounds like it has been bad for a very long time and not getting any better.  You can love someone even when they aren't right for you.  As this guy is the only man you've ever had a real relationship with . . . I am telling  you that you can be happier than this.  And if my boyfriend kept getting mad at me . . . asking me to tell him something, then I do and  he holds it against me . . . I'd tell him to go fly a kite.  That is ridiculous.  14 years and THIS is what you fight about?  But as your posts elaborate, the relationship sounds very troubled.  I think you'll be happier down the road with someone else.  I really do.  Wishing you peace and happiness.  

[boogiefly]

I'm starting to see. But as a couple shouldn't we explore each others fantasies and try to make them come true? Plus I was a little curious about women but I didn't know that until after he had talked about it

[mami1323]

So then these are the reasons you have trouble letting it go. Its because he makes you feel bad about it and uses it as a reason for mistreating you. Then you internalize it and continuosly punish yourself for it. To threaten breaking up with you because you refuse to do a threesome is disgusting. You should've let him go then. You should not allow anyone to make you feel like you are less than what you are worth. I hope this is making you open your eyes a little more and maybe you will see that you deserve better.

[boogiefly]

I have often thought that but I love him so much.  He asked me to do a threesome when we were younger, like when I was 17 and almost broke up with me because I said no.  Then I agreed to do it like 5 years after, when I was 23.  He also wanted me to watch porn with him, which I do on occasion.  Meanwhile, I have felt so ugly and worthless compared to other women.  It has been a problem, and I understand men are horndogs, but all I ever wanted for him to love me the way he said he did.  He told me I was perfect and beautiful, and I just wish he had treated me that way.  He is, in my opinion verbally abusive.  When we fight, he calls me a b, and because I kissed that other person, he now calls me a lying ***** as well.  He has always used the f word a lot, even in a calm sentence.  He gets so angry, and I just keep trying to work it out, so stupid me keeps talking.  He asks me to leave him alone and he walks away, but I keeping trying to explain what happened, and that I am sorry.  I just want to be everything to him, like he is to me.  It just seems like I am always competing to be his number 1 and he says I am, but I feel I am not shown it.  He says him coming home to me, and being loyal to me should show that, and I agree, but what about affection and romance.  That has been missing since year one of our relationship, and I have missed it very much since.  He says because I lied and cheated, he can't be that way with me anymore.

[mami1323]

You know what, I think the real problem here is your relationship.  You both sound so young and so inexperienced.  Is he controlling or verbally abusive?  To me it sounds like he makes you feel guilty over nothing and that's why you hold onto things for years.  To be honest, you need to move on and find someone else.  Who does this?  Who asks their girlfriend if they are attracted to other guys?  Who tells their girlfriend they want them to like girls?  This is beyond dysfunctional.  I honestly don't think you will find happiness with him.