Bad relationship with my mother..help!

[ashleee21]

I'm 16 years old and I've always have had a bad relationship with my mum. She's always telling me how much i remind her of my dad who she resents and hates more than anything. (He left when I was born)  she never acknowledges anything I do and hardly ever praises me. She's always saying positive things about my friends, like how smart they are, how pretty, how talented and envious she is of their parents and then she compares me to them and says I’m always the lazy, useless, and pathetic. I'm pretty use to her telling me how much of a better life she'd have without me. I'm a pretty sensitive person so when she tells me this, I can't help but cry. and then she just sneers me and asks why i'm such a pathetic cry baby and then tells me to look into a mirror and see how ugly I am. Its like she doesn't understand I have emotions and feelings and when i try to talk back, she only gets more angry. I've learnt to stay quiet because I can never convince her of anything. She ALWAYS has to win an argument. Afterwards, she gives me the silent treatment (although I'm partly to blame because I'm too scared to talk to her) I never confide my deepest feelings or thoughts even when we're on good terms because she always uses them against me when we're arguing. I quit playing the violin years ago, and mum never approved of it. After I quit, I started singing and became part of an elite singing group at school which you have to audition to get in. When i told my mum I got in, she wasn't even excited for me. She's always telling me singing isn't great, it's something everyone can do and I only chose singing because I'm a failure. Then she goes on about how playing the violin is so great and how you actually have to be skilful to play it. A couple of months ago, I suffered from a period of depression and she told me to just 'get over it' and stop being a weakling.  She'll never go see a therapist, because she doesn't want to be convinced that her parenting style is wrong.

[Webbers]

If you continue to apply yourself in school and seek out the activities and hobbies that you love, you'll find something like the singing which you will excel at doing. And let that be what helps you to move ahead in life to be a successful young lady despite the unfortunate hand you were dealt with your mother. She has problems yea, but you are already smarter than her and for you the sky will be the limit cause you have your whole life ahead of you to reach your goals and make your dreams a reality. Good luck and best wishes! But in the meantime, keep your eyes on the endgame, which is reaching 18 so you can strike out on your own and start your new life away from her and her negative influence. You can do this!

[RockRose]

I usually read posts on this forum with an eye for giving advice - as in "well,  here's what you can do to make this better".

In your case,  I think all you can do is endure,  ashleee,  and then reach 18 and don't look back.  Look forward from here,  find adults who do value you,  and when it's time for you to take flight, do.

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

I am actually speechless......this is truly sad.  

Agree with the above poster.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, your post makes me sad.  Kids should know unconditional and pure love from their parents.  They not only guide us and teach us but are supposed to give us that sense of well being.  The REST of the world is cruel but home is where the heart is.

I'm sure on many levels your mother does love you.  She is perhaps depressed, tormented about her own decisions and life, or wasn't loved properly herself as a child.  But deep down, she does love you.

Here is the thing---  and I realize this as a parent myself.  The time at home with our children is fleeting.  Honey, you are on your way.  You are carving out a life for yourself with your singing and hopefully studying that will take you somewhwere.  You work really really hard on those things along with your school work and them you can go on to secondary school and then begin a successful career.  Set yourself up that way.

And then eventually, you will be able to meet someone to be a long term partner in your life and create the family you have always wanted.  You be sure to find a partner that will give and show you MUCH love because you deserve it.  We have two chances at family---  the one we are born into and the one we eventually create.  

There will come a time in which you can minimize the time you are with your mom but the hurt will always be there.  I feel for you.  Your mother has lost out on something very special.  She'll always have a place in your heart as your mother but moving on into your own life seperate from her (but still talking to her and seeing her occasionally) will be a good thing for you.  

I"m very sorry your mom is disapointing.  Wishing you peace dear

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm amazed that you have turned out to be such a normal person, with such an abusive mom in your life telling you horrible things all the time.  I am so very sorry.  And I am delighted for you about the singing group.  Your mom sounds downright sadistic, and it may take a long time before you stop hearing her awful words in your head, if you can, please try to remember that you are not the problem, she is.  Have you had access to any counseling or other help?  Is there a relative who has helped you feel normal about yourself, an aunt or grandma?  What are your plans, do you intend to leave home at 18?  At that point, I would congratulate myself on living through it, and move into a period where you devote yourself to some counseling and healing while you build your new life.  I wish there was more that I could do for you, you sound like you are in a horrible spot, thank heavens only for a little while longer.

[shelly448]

Your mom clearly has some issues of her own that she is taking out on you. Good for you for getting into the singing group. And if you are good at it, keep at it!! You only have a few more years until you are out on your own and don't have to listen to her derogatory remarks anymore. No wonder you get depressed. I think anyone would if they had to listen to someone belittle them constantly. Just remind yourself that she is a negative miserable person and it's not really about you, and probably never was. If belittling you makes her feel better than that is a sad sad thing for her. Because soon you will be out on your own living your own life and she will have no one to put down. Don't take her comments to heart. Instead focus on the good relationships in your life. Focus on your singing and your friends. You have made it for sixteen years, you can hang in there for a few more. And in the meantime don't be afraid to stick up for yourself. She won't like it, but at least you will be taking back some of your own power. You are stronger than you may even realize!