Boundaries and appropriate behavior between father and daughter

[angelgrace77]

I am in a relationship with a divorced man who has a 14 y/o daughter.  Is it appropriate for a father to give his teenage daughter massage (foot, leg, all the way up the butt and back when she kept on urging him to go higher and needing more rubbing) when he puts her to bed to sleep? Yes, he still tucks his daughter in even if she's already 14 y/o.  My man and I are currently staying on different countries and our only contact is web chat.  I would sometimes see the young teen walk into the room, hug and kiss her dad, quite appropriately.  When the girl feels unwell, she has a habit of napping on her father's bed.  At times he had told me goodbye and said he will go lay beside daughter and take a nap with her.  When she is down, he would give her a bear hug while sitting down and his face would be pressed close against her chest and tummy and he would give her butt comforting brisk pats. Several times, the teen would hug her dad and bite his cheek hard which caused him to reach out to try to spank her butt as she jumped away.  I have seen him reach out to rub her tummy when she was feeling discomfort because of her period.  He would also kiss his daughter, rub nose with her like they did when she was still a child, and playfully tickle her with his stubble.  I admit I find the situation a bit disconcerting or I won't be posting this question at all.  I am patient and open minded, I understand they are openly affectionate with each other, and I do try to rationalize what are the boundaries and appropriate behavior with regards to such situation.

[Rintintin2]

Anything that is okay for a mother to do to her son is okay for a father to do to his daughter, granted the age of the two children is the same; and I do think that what you are describing would be borderline to totally inappropriate in either case.  

[specialmom]

Ugh, these questions stress me out.  The relationship between parents and their kids will vary.  Some are touchy feely with their kids and see a 14 year old as still their child.  I highly suspect that I will be this way.  My kids are still younger but will be very sad when someone questions why we are affectionate with one another.  Many a parent could never see their own child in a sexual way and hence, much of what you describe would not be a big deal.  You have to ask yourself how much of this is your interpretation of seeing her as another 'woman' in his life and this irks you.  

There are also parents that do see a 14 year old as a young woman and a sexual being and this stuff is turning them both on.  Do you think that is the case?  Are you insinuating that your boyfriend has an incestuous relationship with his daughter?  It happens.  But I want to be clear that is what you are wondering about.

Either way, here is the thing.  You are currently dating him.  That means you are suppose to be deciding if you want to move the relationship to the next level.  If he is just an overzealous affectionate dad, you'd have to live with it.  You could try to set boundaries and I do think they begin to naturally occur at some point----  but this is the relationship he has with his kid and he's comfortable with.  OR, he is having inappropriate contact with his daughter----  which would make me wonder why you'd want to be with him at all.  

So, to me, these questions often fall back on the person who asked it.  What kind of answer are you looking for?  Does he seem a bit odd with her?  Perhaps.  Now------  what are you going to do with that answer?  

I wish you luck.  Blending families is really hard and not for everyone.  

[boognell]

I think the whole situation is strange and you should cut it off now, especially since you are on two different continents. Find someone nearer who is normal. Good luck and God bless.