Boyfirend says "It's like we're married so I don't know why we have to now"

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years.  I’m 25 and he is 32, we’ve lived together for almost the two years that we’ve been together.  Whenever I talk about getting married he gets really defensive or tries to turn it on me.  I told him when we met that I would like to get married and have children before I’m 30 as the women in my family have a hard time conceiving after 30 with a lot of health issues to the babies.  Recently two couples of our friends announced that they are getting married and another of our friends are trying to start a family.   I sat down with him to try and talk about where he thought we were heading and he keeps telling me things are moving too fast and he doesn’t want to think about marriage or kids, he just wants to live in the here and now.  He says that we can’t afford it financially but we make really good money together, we have the finances to go out and do whatever we want whenever we want and I don’t see how getting married will end that.  I know that children are a great financial responsibility but I believe that we make well over what is necessary to have children.  He keeps bringing up excuse after excuse not to get married and have a family.  I finally told him that I wanted a time frame that he thought he would be ready in.  After himming and hawing for awhile he finally told me that we could start thinking about starting a family together when I turn 33.   This is much older then I wanted to be when I started a family.  My mom said to give it a few months and try to bring it up again, to tell him how I feel about the age and time line, but I have a feeling he will just start giving me the same lines that he has for the last two years.  She also said that taking a week or two away from him may make him realize what he could lose.  I’m getting sick of the phrase “I just want to live in the now” and "It's like we're married so I don't know why it matters.  I love him and he’s treated me better than anyone I’ve ever dated but I don’t know what to do about his timeline as it’s so different …

[specialmom]

Hm.  You've given me much to think about here.

First, and I'm dead serious about this------------ I would not marry this man unless you attend premarriage counseling with him.  Otherwise, I think you'd be at risk of having issues down the road even worse than now.  You two aren't on the same page and he has no desire to really get on the same page.  It is okay to feel differently about something and for him to have his feelings about when he'd like to marry and have kids------------  he is entitled to that. But how he deals with things is where you will fall apart if married before fixing that.  You two need to learn how to communicate and work with each other.  He is not a planner and you are.  This will come into play over and over again from your future social life, plans for the kids, your finances, your retirement, etc.  You also need to work on understanding each other as well.  What is his career goal in 5 years, 10 years, etc.? When does he want to buy his first home (or has he?)?  What is his desire for money put to use for living verses put into 401K and savings?  What religion does he want your family to be? And where do you stand with all of these things?  You two sound like pre marriage counseling is more than a little important to understand the other and to obtain the skills to deal with differences you may have on a topic.

He's basically telling you he is not ready to marry and is not going to be on your time frame for kids.  I think he is clear where you stand and what you want and yet, he is not budging.  You can give him an ultimatum, but is that what you want?  Him to enter into marriage and starting a family before he is fully on bourd wanting it for himself?  I wouldn't.  I want my man to want it as much as me and do the things to make it happen.

My own story?  I was in my mid 30's when I married.  I wanted to start trying for a baby right away because I too had had health problems and felt having a baby would be difficult.  My husband was not on that program and did not want to start trying.  While I was frustrated, I waited because I wanted him to feel ready.  We enjoyed a couple years of marriage (having dated 3 years before marrying as well) and then began trying.  It took a while and I had my kids at 38 and 39.  When we did conceive, he was thrilled.  I hadn't forced the issue but had worked with him on a right time frame for us both.  

I'm going to be honest.  I'm not the hugest fan of living together.  Nope, I'm not.  I never did it.  You say we are living like we are married so why not do it and he says we are living like we are already married so WHY do it?  Both are valid points depending on your desire.  

Honestly, you've been living with him since you were 23, I guess, right?  What about moving out for a time being telling him that you'd like to marry and hopefully he will feel the same.  Then date him.  Your only other option is to wait until he is ready.  That's my opinion, anyway.  I wouldn't push too hard.  You want him to want it-----------  not force him into it.  You'll have a better chance of making it for the long haul then.

Oh, and kids are extremely expensive.  Not when they are tiny babies------- but as they get older . . . they are very expensive.  Any activity that they do costs money, preschool and daycare--------- can be a grand a month, the things that they like, etc. goes up in cost as they get older (got my boys a wii for Christmas this year, for example), etc.  Prepare yourself.  And the other thing that happens when you have kids that I guess I knew somewhere but it was more than I expected is that the vast majority of your free time is spent on kid things.  So the things you do with your significant other such as dates are much more difficult.  Oh yeah, another expense-------- a babysitter if you want a night out.  It has been much harder than I thought to be a parent and it puts stress on a relationship------ even when two people desperately wanted a baby at the same time.  Those are just my thoughts on it to give you a picture of what I found out.  And I don't think anyone wanted kids more than I did!  

Okay, good luck and may all your dreams come true!  

[grannienannie]

I dont think thats fair to you..he should compromise about the age issue with you especially if its harder fo you in your 30's...that shouldnt be even something for him not to agree with you..especially if he love you and your living like your married already...if he is going to put limits on what he want things to go in life you should put limits on your loving ....if he not trying to plant any seeds..or marry you..

[RockRose]

You want to be married and have kids,  and he doesn't.

Neither one of you is wrong,  you're just different.  You have different life plans.

I would be out of there tomorrow if I were you.  Telling you to wait 8 more YEARS before discussing this again,  he has no intention whatsoever of marrying you or having children.

It's your choice.  You can continue to live with him his way,  or you can decide you want to direct your life your way,  and find a partner who shares your goals.

Best wishes.

[alexplusone]

I agree that this man has no desire or intention of marrying or having children. It is clear you want these things, you will either have to give up the marriage and family or this man.  At 32 he is not naive and knows what he wants.  Good luck to you.

[Akiev]

Thank you, especially to SpecialMom.  These are along the lines of what my mom said to me and what I've read in other forums.  Deep down it's what my conscience is saying too.  Everyone is right that I don't want to force him.  I want him to want to marry me and have a family and if he doesn't I'm sure there is someone out there who does.  Time to get my affairs in order and see where I stand...

[sweetpea03]

I would move out if I were you. Both of you know exactly what you want and you are just not very compatible. He does not want to get married or have children. You do want that, so I would say to move out and look for someone who has the same goals in life(marriage and family).