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Boyfriend doesn't make enough Money and it bothers me
Here is the thing. I have been a single mother now for 8yrs. I have had no silver platter handed to me, no child support payments given and I have had to struggle all this time. Last year I met someone and he is very good to my daughter and to me, but I feel like I have been carrying the load because he barely makes any money and he really doesnt contribute and I bought a condo before I met him and since he has been living there he has put me in the hole.
My condo is very small really meant for a couple but I like to entertain so I wanted to upgrade but not until 4yrs from now. He is always in my face because there is no other room other than the bedroom and I need my space. So now I have decided to sell my condo for a townhouse. It will be cheaper funny enough and bigger. I feel resentful to him as I feel like he has forced me to move. He doesnt pay rent, and hasnt all year. The most he has given me is grocery money and with the way groceries are right now $150 a month is jack sh@@. I have become so angry and whenever I talk to him about stuff he is so laid back and he says that he loves me and he is trying.
Dont get me wrong, I am writing this because I am very angered and I know that he is a fantastic guy and I have never had anyone love me like he has but he isnt contributing financially and it bothers me.
I told him when we move he needs to pay for all the groceries and utilities and I know that it wont happen.
When do you come to a point in a relationship where you are okay with someone making a lot less? I dont think of him as a loser because he doesnt make a lot, I think because I have had to work so hard to get where I am at and I am finally at a place in my life where I would like to share that with someone and have enough money to go on trips etc, but with him I cant. I will lose what I feel I have worked hard for.
Does this make any sense?
My condo is very small really meant for a couple but I like to entertain so I wanted to upgrade but not until 4yrs from now. He is always in my face because there is no other room other than the bedroom and I need my space. So now I have decided to sell my condo for a townhouse. It will be cheaper funny enough and bigger. I feel resentful to him as I feel like he has forced me to move. He doesnt pay rent, and hasnt all year. The most he has given me is grocery money and with the way groceries are right now $150 a month is jack sh@@. I have become so angry and whenever I talk to him about stuff he is so laid back and he says that he loves me and he is trying.
Dont get me wrong, I am writing this because I am very angered and I know that he is a fantastic guy and I have never had anyone love me like he has but he isnt contributing financially and it bothers me.
I told him when we move he needs to pay for all the groceries and utilities and I know that it wont happen.
When do you come to a point in a relationship where you are okay with someone making a lot less? I dont think of him as a loser because he doesnt make a lot, I think because I have had to work so hard to get where I am at and I am finally at a place in my life where I would like to share that with someone and have enough money to go on trips etc, but with him I cant. I will lose what I feel I have worked hard for.
Does this make any sense?
I haven't come down hard on him, I allowed this to happen without putting my foot down.
This is where you fail to realize something... you cant give anymore chances..... you have to come down hard on him....At after the age of 30 you don't have chances like that.. things start to become more of a one hitter quitter.. miss and is over!!
There is a point driven hard by fact.....
He's not gonna change.
He isn't obligated to pay you.
He has become your problem.
You allowed a person who is set in his ways to live with you. Now your trying to make him change his ways. Which you have seemed to notice won't change.
Now, I've heard women say love a person as they are... But idk how this situation works.. Because if a guy tries to change a female he is wrong but if a female tries to make a guy change she isn't wrong..
Well idk what to tell you but, he isn't gOnna change.. Which leaves you with what?
He's not gonna change.
He isn't obligated to pay you.
He has become your problem.
You allowed a person who is set in his ways to live with you. Now your trying to make him change his ways. Which you have seemed to notice won't change.
Now, I've heard women say love a person as they are... But idk how this situation works.. Because if a guy tries to change a female he is wrong but if a female tries to make a guy change she isn't wrong..
Well idk what to tell you but, he isn't gOnna change.. Which leaves you with what?
You cannot change someone. Never! You either accept them the way they are or you dont. And there is nothing worse than having someone sit on there laurels and let a woman provide for them and still call themself a man. Im sorry but if you cannot look up to, and respect, and feel safe and loved and taken care of then what the hail do we need a man for? Sex? Buy a pal, but who needs to take another kid to raise. Nope, lose him is all you can do. If he was gonna be any different, he woulda done it by now on his own. just my opinion. The planet is loaded with women that live with regret because they didnt follow their gut when they had the chance.
COMMUNITY LEADER
My thought Kaz is that you really shouldn't have to try a lot of ways to get an adult to contribute. Most adults realize that they need to or they want to for the sake of their partner. I don't think we are talking about a teenager here . . . but someone that has had this lifestyle for years. I'm guessing it is the way he is and that is it.
I do wish you luck ticked.
I do wish you luck ticked.
You'll always feel justified, just because he is with you.......
Now, your bringing this convo somewhere... when your speaking marriage... Then you don't talk about a promissory you talk going half on everything..not making it seem like he is roommate.. there are many ways to make a man move... you don't see to be going about this the right way...
Going to a lawyer....no
Talking... I bet when you talk, he doesn't pay attention...like he is there but not there.. why? because if he is answering you and not showing any improvement then he isn't really listen.
try a new approach... he seems like a only child or the youngest... if he is the youngest.. then to bad for you you dating a grown-a$$ baby...
but how many other ways have you tired to get him to contribute?
Now, your bringing this convo somewhere... when your speaking marriage... Then you don't talk about a promissory you talk going half on everything..not making it seem like he is roommate.. there are many ways to make a man move... you don't see to be going about this the right way...
Going to a lawyer....no
Talking... I bet when you talk, he doesn't pay attention...like he is there but not there.. why? because if he is answering you and not showing any improvement then he isn't really listen.
try a new approach... he seems like a only child or the youngest... if he is the youngest.. then to bad for you you dating a grown-a$$ baby...
but how many other ways have you tired to get him to contribute?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I think your actions are justified. He sounds sad in his ability to be independent and that is NOT attractive.
good luck and I hope that YOU hit the jackpot next time!
good luck and I hope that YOU hit the jackpot next time!
Teko, your right and thanks :)
Kazakage- I think he should be obligated to pay because he is living somewhere, whether it be at home with his parents or with me he should be paying is way at 34yrs old. He told me he was going to pay and now its a year later with the same problem and it not happening. I gave him chance after chance. The reason we are having this talk is because yes we are talking about marriage and possible children but I am not getting married to someone who isnt going to do their share or bring a child into this world not for them to take care of but expect me to. It has nothing to do with making any profit, it has to do with me not being able to afford his a@@ and me taking care of him. Sorry I didnt sign up for that.
It has nothing to do with me. It is all him and him not having drive or not even trying due to whatever reason. I still havent found a legitimate one that he has come up with. They are all excuses.
It doesnt matter anyway as the ultimatum has been made and he has one last chance to do it and if one month he doesnt have the money he is gone. $600 is not alot when you have everything provided for you, too me he has hit the jackpot and he is just greedy wanting more.
I am doing the right thing and I know my actions are justified and are not irrational. So we will see what he does. He knows I am not kidding now and I am not taking anymore of this so thats that.
Kazakage- I think he should be obligated to pay because he is living somewhere, whether it be at home with his parents or with me he should be paying is way at 34yrs old. He told me he was going to pay and now its a year later with the same problem and it not happening. I gave him chance after chance. The reason we are having this talk is because yes we are talking about marriage and possible children but I am not getting married to someone who isnt going to do their share or bring a child into this world not for them to take care of but expect me to. It has nothing to do with making any profit, it has to do with me not being able to afford his a@@ and me taking care of him. Sorry I didnt sign up for that.
It has nothing to do with me. It is all him and him not having drive or not even trying due to whatever reason. I still havent found a legitimate one that he has come up with. They are all excuses.
It doesnt matter anyway as the ultimatum has been made and he has one last chance to do it and if one month he doesnt have the money he is gone. $600 is not alot when you have everything provided for you, too me he has hit the jackpot and he is just greedy wanting more.
I am doing the right thing and I know my actions are justified and are not irrational. So we will see what he does. He knows I am not kidding now and I am not taking anymore of this so thats that.
I want you to be real about this situation. Why do you think he is supposed to be obligated to pay you. The reason you stated are good enough. When you two get married or plan to get married then this is talk that you two should hVe but for now.. All you are trying to do is make a profit off of someone who doesn't need to be in a relationship..
Not starting a fight, but are you two really meant to be with eachother? I ask this because guys change, depending on who they meet...
I know guys who live with there parents who never paid for crap, but they find the right woman and all of a sudden they have a 9-5 and pay rent and work hard as ever... So yeah..
Not starting a fight, but are you two really meant to be with eachother? I ask this because guys change, depending on who they meet...
I know guys who live with there parents who never paid for crap, but they find the right woman and all of a sudden they have a 9-5 and pay rent and work hard as ever... So yeah..
Let me tell you somethin missy and you listen very very carefully! You can fall in love with a rich man just as easy as you can a poor man! Depending on the circles you hang in. And you should be angry! And you should not move because of his needs, but only yours! You should tell him to go back home to mama and finish getting raised and you need to look for someone who is more compatible with your dreams and goals. If you are angry now just imagine what it will be in 5 years when he is still giving nothing but excuses. I am sorry but love does not make the world go round and lack of funds does not bring on warm and fuzzy when you cannot pay the house payment or put food on the table. Listen to them gut instincts and send mr. nice packing till he gets a real income.
hahahahah I know I know!!!! The freeloaders always seem to follow me because they know I have a good heart and will take care of them.. ARGH!!
That is something that I have been changing this last year so I am more strong at telling him to beat it.
The term "Freeloader" the term refers to a "mooch"
I couldnt agree more :) thanks for the laugh, I needed that
That is something that I have been changing this last year so I am more strong at telling him to beat it.
The term "Freeloader" the term refers to a "mooch"
I couldnt agree more :) thanks for the laugh, I needed that
Kasakage- I make over a certain amount and in canada unless you make under a certain amount you cant get assistance from the government, nor food stamps. Infact when I was alone after my daughter was born I went to a food bank because I had no money or food and they refused me. Sorry that just isnt an option because I know that I can take care of my own daughter and I dont need help.
He has chosen to take on the responsibility as her parent, I have never once asked him for money for my daughter as she is my responsibility. What should he get reinbursed for? The food he eats, the added detergent and electricity use and etc. Thats just silly.
Are you telling me that you are okay with someone living with you and not paying their way? I bought three bags of groceries and it cost $90 that food lasts 4 days if that. So I am sorry $150 a week is the norm in Canada. That doesn't include daily essentials such as toilet paper, detergent etc. He is 34yrs old and an able body with skills.
I disagree with you about him not obligated to pay rent. What does that teach him? He can get a free ride and he has for the last year?
I can pay all my bills and than some but I am not going to pay someone elses way when they are more than capable to pay.
The issue is not me as I am a good mother and a good provider and I have gone from hell and back to support myself and her. I have sacrificed everything to get where I am today and I want more out of life. Why should I settle for less because he cant pay his way, when I could find someone out there that has respect and love for me and ambition to go somewhere in life and contribute. I shouldnt have to ask for someone to give me money when they are living in my house it should be given and it should be done because no one can live for free. My mortgage alone with condo fees is $1700 not including utilities, daycare, gas, food etc. So please him paying $600 to have a residence is peanuts.
The condo is mine and I worked through sweat and tears to get it and I will be damned if he is getting a dime of it. That investment is for my daughters future. He can buy into my mortgage when he has $40,000 to do so but other than that why would I just give someone everything I have worked so hard for???
I completely disagree with you.
Specialmom :) I respect a stay at home mom as it is not an easy job at all. When a mother stays home she becomes the cleaner, the daycare worker, the cook etc. That there is paying your way and I have the utmost respect for that.
I totally agree with him being a child. He has always had someone take care of him and I told him his pattern when it came to his ex of 8yrs. He did the same thing. He leeched off her and when she became tired of paying his way she did things alone without him and she had every right too. She worked hard for her money and going after her dreams while he would feel okay with that. It is not right and I am not into that whatsoever.
I know the choice is mine to make and I have. He has one more chance and he knows that. I am there for him to learn the ways of life as this is what men need as they are not as capable as women are it seems. They need that guidance and mothering and its unfortunate.
I refuse to play the parent role though but I am there to push him in the right direction as anyone would do with someone they love.
Thanks again for all your comments as it really gave me that boost to confront him one last time to shape up or ship out.
He has chosen to take on the responsibility as her parent, I have never once asked him for money for my daughter as she is my responsibility. What should he get reinbursed for? The food he eats, the added detergent and electricity use and etc. Thats just silly.
Are you telling me that you are okay with someone living with you and not paying their way? I bought three bags of groceries and it cost $90 that food lasts 4 days if that. So I am sorry $150 a week is the norm in Canada. That doesn't include daily essentials such as toilet paper, detergent etc. He is 34yrs old and an able body with skills.
I disagree with you about him not obligated to pay rent. What does that teach him? He can get a free ride and he has for the last year?
I can pay all my bills and than some but I am not going to pay someone elses way when they are more than capable to pay.
The issue is not me as I am a good mother and a good provider and I have gone from hell and back to support myself and her. I have sacrificed everything to get where I am today and I want more out of life. Why should I settle for less because he cant pay his way, when I could find someone out there that has respect and love for me and ambition to go somewhere in life and contribute. I shouldnt have to ask for someone to give me money when they are living in my house it should be given and it should be done because no one can live for free. My mortgage alone with condo fees is $1700 not including utilities, daycare, gas, food etc. So please him paying $600 to have a residence is peanuts.
The condo is mine and I worked through sweat and tears to get it and I will be damned if he is getting a dime of it. That investment is for my daughters future. He can buy into my mortgage when he has $40,000 to do so but other than that why would I just give someone everything I have worked so hard for???
I completely disagree with you.
Specialmom :) I respect a stay at home mom as it is not an easy job at all. When a mother stays home she becomes the cleaner, the daycare worker, the cook etc. That there is paying your way and I have the utmost respect for that.
I totally agree with him being a child. He has always had someone take care of him and I told him his pattern when it came to his ex of 8yrs. He did the same thing. He leeched off her and when she became tired of paying his way she did things alone without him and she had every right too. She worked hard for her money and going after her dreams while he would feel okay with that. It is not right and I am not into that whatsoever.
I know the choice is mine to make and I have. He has one more chance and he knows that. I am there for him to learn the ways of life as this is what men need as they are not as capable as women are it seems. They need that guidance and mothering and its unfortunate.
I refuse to play the parent role though but I am there to push him in the right direction as anyone would do with someone they love.
Thanks again for all your comments as it really gave me that boost to confront him one last time to shape up or ship out.
COMMUNITY LEADER
For me, it is important that someone tries to better their life. That they don't "settle" for making less money than they need to live. I'd have a big issue with that lack of ambition to be honest.
I'm a stay at home mom and bring home no income. My husband supports us as a family financially. Is this man family or a roommate and if he is a roommate--------- treat him as such which you are about to do it sounds like.
But even with that said, I couldn't get past a man that doesn't take responsibility for his own life (including financially). His two options? Being taken care of by you or moving home and being taken care of by his parents? That is a man child and I'd not be interested in that.
Good luck
I'm a stay at home mom and bring home no income. My husband supports us as a family financially. Is this man family or a roommate and if he is a roommate--------- treat him as such which you are about to do it sounds like.
But even with that said, I couldn't get past a man that doesn't take responsibility for his own life (including financially). His two options? Being taken care of by you or moving home and being taken care of by his parents? That is a man child and I'd not be interested in that.
Good luck
Ok, after reading all the postings.. i feel as though you are pushing something that really has nothing to do with your Bf..
1. If you have a child by another man, you need to go get some assistance for the government.
2. I don't feel he is obligated to pay rent. Why? Well until his name is on the lease.... I don't see anything wrong.. because if you decide to kick him out.. will he get reimbursed? and thats regardless of the point of him paying for the living?
Now... if the brother is giving you 150 a month for food... how isn't that enough? me, my son , and wife don't even need that much money for groceries a month..Coupon, clearance, and daily sales... heck, once every 3 months buy bulk.....
Then you gonna have the lawyer write up a promissory stating he isn't obligated to anything in your house? Really??
1. If you have a child by another man, you need to go get some assistance for the government.
2. I don't feel he is obligated to pay rent. Why? Well until his name is on the lease.... I don't see anything wrong.. because if you decide to kick him out.. will he get reimbursed? and thats regardless of the point of him paying for the living?
Now... if the brother is giving you 150 a month for food... how isn't that enough? me, my son , and wife don't even need that much money for groceries a month..Coupon, clearance, and daily sales... heck, once every 3 months buy bulk.....
Then you gonna have the lawyer write up a promissory stating he isn't obligated to anything in your house? Really??
Thanks so much all for responding. As much as I knew already what you were saying I just didnt want to do it. I gave him an ultimatum and he has this month to come up with $600 and every month after that or he is out. He made a comment as well saying would we still be dating if I went home and I said "No, I dont date men that live with their parents"
I feel bad for the guy as he has never been taught independence and I know its not my job to do. I was taught at a young age and I think that I am scarred from that as I had to buy everything for myself by the age of 14. Winter jackets, feminine products etc. I didnt feel loved by my parents at all, but I am a very successful business women, and mother that I know I benefited from it.
When I do move, I have already discussed with him that he will need to sign a promissary note done up by my lawyer stating that he has no rights to any of my property. I know my lawyer knows what the stipulations are so I trust him. My boyfriend said he would sign whatever I wanted him to and that he didnt want it and that it wasnt his to take.
I have been through such hard times in my life and gone through so many bad men and he is the first that treats me amazingly. The way a women should be treated besides the money aspect.
I had a conversation with him last night and I told him that it wasnt the fact that he didnt make a lot of money but it was the fact that I couldnt understand how he could live with someone and not pay to live there without feeling so much guilt.
His parents have made it too easy for him to come back home when times are tough and they are making a huge mistake.
Thanks again for all your help. I will let you know how the next couple of months go.
I feel bad for the guy as he has never been taught independence and I know its not my job to do. I was taught at a young age and I think that I am scarred from that as I had to buy everything for myself by the age of 14. Winter jackets, feminine products etc. I didnt feel loved by my parents at all, but I am a very successful business women, and mother that I know I benefited from it.
When I do move, I have already discussed with him that he will need to sign a promissary note done up by my lawyer stating that he has no rights to any of my property. I know my lawyer knows what the stipulations are so I trust him. My boyfriend said he would sign whatever I wanted him to and that he didnt want it and that it wasnt his to take.
I have been through such hard times in my life and gone through so many bad men and he is the first that treats me amazingly. The way a women should be treated besides the money aspect.
I had a conversation with him last night and I told him that it wasnt the fact that he didnt make a lot of money but it was the fact that I couldnt understand how he could live with someone and not pay to live there without feeling so much guilt.
His parents have made it too easy for him to come back home when times are tough and they are making a huge mistake.
Thanks again for all your help. I will let you know how the next couple of months go.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. I'll be honest--------- I think when choosing a partner, we MUST take these things into account. Successful relationships are a lot more than having the hots for someone or just having a warm body there. It is even more than enjoying someone's company. It is about picking someone that jives with our picture of life. We have the emotional side of a relationship and then we have the business side. People need to spend more time thining about the business side of it in my opinion. This is where things like a person's financial habits, career goals and work ethic, etc. come into play.
I hate to say it but this is probably how it will always be. He does not see anythign wrong with you spending more than he and then complaining about not having enough (as in more room). He's not looking for a second job to contribute or a better paying job but content to let you foot the bill. Some women are okay with this. I'd not be. I like an ambitious man who WANTS to contribute equally or better.
I don't think it is a good idea to continue living with him and probably would have told you that off the bat to not do it. You can give him another chance and maybe he'll 'change' but prepare yourself. He's not a kid and this is who he is.
good luck
I hate to say it but this is probably how it will always be. He does not see anythign wrong with you spending more than he and then complaining about not having enough (as in more room). He's not looking for a second job to contribute or a better paying job but content to let you foot the bill. Some women are okay with this. I'd not be. I like an ambitious man who WANTS to contribute equally or better.
I don't think it is a good idea to continue living with him and probably would have told you that off the bat to not do it. You can give him another chance and maybe he'll 'change' but prepare yourself. He's not a kid and this is who he is.
good luck
If he really loved you he would be contributing.He,s a Freeloader and nothing more.Tell him to kindly move on if he is not willing to change his attitude and start helping out financially.I,d be ticked off to.All the best.
Hello Ticked
Just one little piece of advice. If you are going to kick this man out do it before you buy another home. You have been living together for over 3 months and that gives him certain legal rights to your new property......everything you have gained while together. Talk to a lawyer.
This happened to a friend of mine and her ex- husband. She let him live in her basement apartment because he had no where to go and during the 6 months he stayed there he pretended to want her back in his life, taking her out on dates etc.Then one day he announced that he changed his mind, took her to court and forced her to sell everything she had to settle what the court said she owed.
Just be careful.
Just one little piece of advice. If you are going to kick this man out do it before you buy another home. You have been living together for over 3 months and that gives him certain legal rights to your new property......everything you have gained while together. Talk to a lawyer.
This happened to a friend of mine and her ex- husband. She let him live in her basement apartment because he had no where to go and during the 6 months he stayed there he pretended to want her back in his life, taking her out on dates etc.Then one day he announced that he changed his mind, took her to court and forced her to sell everything she had to settle what the court said she owed.
Just be careful.
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Why wouldn't he love you and be good to you? You are feeding and housing him for nothing on his end. They say money isn't everything. I agree, to a point. If you have no money, you cannot buy food, clothing, and shelter.... the 3 basic needs for any of us to survive. It's hard enough being a single parent, but to take on another adult as a dependent, and on a limited income????
As you mentioned in your last post.... it is time for him to shape up or ship out!