I have seen so many questions on here and I feel as if I have no hope at all ....
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and I am ready for marriage. We have both been married before and they both ended (mine was short and his was longer). There is an age difference between us but I am by no means a child or as many posts have said "young and in my early 20s".
With all that being said, he is the man of my dreams. I look forward to every day that I spend with him, he truly makes my life the best that I feel it can be. I love him with all my heart and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We rarely ever fight, we agree on ALMOST everything, We have lived together for the last year and a half, and I truly believes that he completes me. My ONE AND ONLY problem is that he is absolutely hands down against marriage! He knew getting into this relationship that that is something that I want in my life (I always said I was going to be happily married by the time I was 30, that didn't exactly happen).
Every time i have brought this issue up with him he either gives me one word answers or he skirts around the issue with the same comment, "Ive been married before and it didn't work". I try to make him see that its the commitment that I want, I want to know that he will be there for me and with me no matter what, I want to know that he feels the same about me as I feel about him, I want the stability, I could go on and on about all the things and reasons that I feel this is right but it gets me no where with him.
I can't imagine my life without him in it but I just don't know what to do! If anyone can help I would appreciate it!
Sorry dear, but this is a NO GO situation for you. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn in life is that you can't enter a relationship expecting someone to change this and that.....you have to accept how they are at "face value." It is possible for people to compromise though and I believe his compromising is living with you as well as his committment to you.
"My ONE AND ONLY problem is that he is absolutely hands down against marriage! He knew getting into this relationship that that is something that I want in my life (I always said I was going to be happily married by the time I was 30, that didn't exactly happen)." And you also knew before getting into this relationship with him that he didn't want any marriage.
"I try to make him see that its the commitment that I want, I want to know that he will be there for me and with me no matter what, I want to know that he feels the same about me as I feel about him, I want the stability, I could go on and on about all the things and reasons that I feel this is right but it gets me no where with him." I wouldn't recommend "browbeating" him about this. He feels the way he does and you feel the way you do.
Obviously this is very important to you, however, you have two options: 1. Stay and accept him and things as is OR 2. Find someone who marriage-minded.
BTW: how old is he and how long did his first marriage last?
I am sad to say that this sounds like something that might never happen. He was married before and so his attitude towards marriage right now is basically, who cares? He did the wedding and the ring and the blitz and it still crumbled, so he renders the thought and the process unnecessary. You will not be able to change this about him and I am sorry because I know you think that you can. It was 19YEARS! He might have felt like all that time was wasted. You are going to have to decide whether or not the commitment is worth more than the man himself. Can you live another being unwed? Ask yourself that question. Perhaps he will change over the years but can you wait for years past?
Oh, 19 years? That is quite a long time these days.
Well, I am not exactly sure what happened in this marriage and what he had to endure, but I am sure the length of this marriage and what happened in this marriage plays a HUGE role in why he will not marry again.
Sorry, I just don't see him ever changing his mind. If for some "flukish" reason he did, it won't be anytime soon.
"Every time i have brought this issue up with him he either gives me one word answers or he skirts around the issue with the same comment, "Ive been married before and it didn't work". Well.....he is not "skirting" around the issue as he has told you repeatedly that marriage is a "no deal" for him. He is adamant about what he wants, so the contantly asking and trying to discuss this with him is not going to be effective....in essence, you are "spinning your wheels" and getting nowhere.
Don't stay with this man in the hopes of "breaking" him down and him saying "Ok, I will marry you." Do you really want to force or push this man into marrying you?
In the end this is your judgement call. Stay with the idea of knowing he will probably not marry you OR leave in the hopes of finding someone who will.
You can't change someone into a person he/she isn't.
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