Boyfriend not "in love" with me anymore.

[LauraB78]

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years on and off. It has been a ROCKY relationship.. and that is putting it mildly. We currently live together and have a 17 month old son. We had (yet ANOTHER) argument today, and he told me he wants to end the relationship. I don't feel the same way, but our relationship is so damaged that I would have NO idea where to begin to *try* and mend it., Especially since he tells me that I am a depressing, miserable nag, and though he does CARE about me, he doesn't love me any longer, and was NEVER in love with me. I am devastated. I have been a stay at home Mom since our son was born, and have NO idea HOW I would do this alone. I don't want to be without him, but I'm afraid the *type* of relationship I desire will never happen.. Any thoughts? There is A LOT more to the story, but I have never posted in this forum and am not sure how active it is. I can give more history if anyone responds/cares.. By the way, we aren't young kids.. I am 32 years old, and he is 45, both never married.

[anshu11]

Hi
I would like to suggest you to talk to him when both of you are calm & hearty.He must 've an attachment with you or at least with the child.You can get separated at any point of time,its easy.But give your r/ship another chance atleast for the sake of your child.You must have the reason to be together for three years & 'ving a child.It is very easy to end a r/ship.give your r/ship another chance.

[teko]

First of all I must apologize ahead of time if I duplicate thoughts given, as I have not read all the responses to your post. Going on this post alone and not knowing any history, this is what hit me as I was reading. I think you are in this relationship because you are scared to death of getting along without it. As you said, you have been a stay at home mom and it is the fear of being alone that strikes first, not the fear of losing someone you love. This sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship that has no hope of getting better. You need to start taking steps to be able to take charge of your life. It sounds like you may be co dependent on him and you need him more than you want him. It also sounds like he is done and has pretty much told you how its gonna be from his perspective. I think once you are on your own and find out that you can make it yourself and you are not arguing with someone 24 hours a day, you will jump up and down in joy at the fact that this relationship is over. Protect yourself financially as much as you can, get child support and a job. With all that comes self esteem, peace, new friends and most of all independence to run your life the way you want to. It may not seem so right now, but it actually sounds like you have been given a gift. It is up to you what to do with it. I can also tell you that this man will never change. Single life for that long tends to leave them set in their ways. By that I mean it is their way or the highway.

[RockRose]

Eeks,  never mind.  I always read profiles before I respond,  somehow I didn't in your case.

Laura,  you've had a very difficult relationship since before the baby was born,  with him telling you he doesn't love you.  

Honestly,  I think this is absolutely hopeless.  He is one of those men who doesn't want to be in a relationship and pretends to want that and creates children anyway.

[RockRose]

Laura,  a man who is 45 and never been married simply doesn't want to be.  

It's hard to tell from your post what is going on,  and how much of his assessment that you are a depressing miserable nag is true.  ;D  

Here's the thing,  bottom line.  The only power you have here is to fix yourself to see if the relationship can be saved.  Since you really are brief (despite apologizing for the length of your post,  sister you are BRIEF!  Look down the board and see posts that read like War and Peace) it's hard to tell whether you are much at fault here.    If you believe you're not at fault,  and if you're completely honest and fair with how you've behaved and you think you've been a very good partner,  there's nothing you can do.

If you look back and decide you have NOT been a good partner,  you can change that.  But you have to be honest.  Don't keep kissing an ugly toad thinking it will turn into a frog!  But if you have really a normal,  workable good man here maybe there are things you can change about yourself.

If the guy is a toad,  you gotta move on.  : (   It would be interesting to hear more.  Really,  you are brief.

[mami1323]

I know that feeling.  Sometimes it's easier to try and "fix" the current relationship instead of venturing out and starting fresh.  But in this case, you're giving it your all and he's not.  I can guarantee you that he will one day regret his decisions.  You can't worry about him at all, you have to think about yourself and your son.  

[LauraB78]

Hey, yeah.. Things were better for a while, but our same "issues" always come up, and create problems.. We are just so different and it continually creates big problems. He doesn't feel the "core" of our relationship has ever been solid and doesnt think there is anything to fight for.. Im just so depressed, and scared, and angry.. etc..


He would help financially for a while, I am sure of that. He would NEVER have our son in a position to go without anything.. I just don't want to break up, I dont want to start over, I dont want some c r appy low paying job.. I guess I just thought our life was "planned"..

[mami1323]

Hi Laura, I'm so sorry.  I had thought things were going better for you guys.  I remember your issues and I recall you and him breaking up during your pregnancy.  I also remember him being not so nice to you back then either.  I know you've tried with him and would totally hate to see your family fall apart.  It just gets so hard when you are the only trying and he's not.  The first thing you have to do is ask him if he could continue to be of financial support until you can get a job and get back on your feet.  No matter what he still has to support his son.  I think you can go to family court and put in for emergency support if he's being a pr ick about it.  After that, you can work on getting back on track emotionally.  I wish I knew what more to say....I hope that he can do the right thing in this situation.  

[LauraB78]

differences* and overwhelming*.. sorry

[LauraB78]

No, neither of us have family even in the same state.. Plus, even if they lived nearby, I do not have anyone in my family financially stable enough to depend on for support, even temporarily..

I suppose I have a hard time understanding after 3 years,and loads of c r a p, just throwing in the towel.. I have proposed counseling, and he doesn't seem very interested in the prospect. Our fights are mostly about money, and diiferences in opinion on wants vs/ needs.. It's all very overwheling and sad to me right now.. Thank you for replying.

[imanaddict]

It sounds as if it's definitely time to pick yourself up, get a job and move on. Seek child support from him so that will help some financially. I am sorry this is happening to you! I was in a similar situation years ago, was 6 months pregnant living in a motel with no car. I had a waitressing job at the time but I'm sure you can imagine how little money I was making being pregnant and waitressing! It was NOT easy but I somehow managed to pull through and make it on my own, so it CAN be done. Do you have any family or friends you can stay with until you get on your feet?