Boyfriend not ready to get married.

My boyfriend and I are both 25 years sold and have been dating for 13 months.  I am in my last year of law school and he is applying to MBA programs.  From the beginning of our relationship I told him that I was dating with the intention of getting married.  He told me that he was dating with the same intention.

A few days ago I brought up the topic of marriage.  He told me that he is not ready right now and doesn't picture himself getting married for another 4-5 years.  He says that he loves me and that I am the love of his life, but there are many things he wants to accomplish before he gets married and he wants to make sure that he will be able to provide for wife and kids.  

I am at a crossroads.  I don't know if I should wait for him to become ready.  I love him very much.  He is an amazing man and he is everything I ever wanted in a husband.  He treats me like a queen and I could never ask for anything more.  But I don't want to wait until I am 30 to get married.  I don't understand why we can't get married and build a life together.  I will be able to make enough money to support us while he is in school.  I don't see why money is an issue for him, especially since he owns two rental properties which are a source of income for him.

I would love some guidance/advice.  Should I push marriage?  Should I give him an ultimatum?  Should I wait a few more years?  Or should I   break up with him and start dating men who are ready to get married now?        

[K1990]

If you love him and he is the one then you should be able to wait, if you aren't then he isn't the one!

[RockRose]

gh - this is really something that is your choice,  and both choices are equally valid - to wait and see,  or to decide to move on.  At your age,  13 months is long enough for him to decide you're the one,  and vice versa.  If you are sure you want to get married,  and want to start a family as a life-plan,  it might be time to move on.  This is totally up to you.

I dated my husband forever - we were both in school,  but we had a definite time plan - the spring we graduated was going to be the wedding.  So we were together 5 years before getting married,  but there was always a timeframe we were working with.  

I think the odds of him deciding to marry you after an unclear waiting period,  don't seem very high.  

Specifically,  does he have things he wants to accomplish that he can verbalize for you - or is it just that he really doesn't want to get married at this point and doesn't know when he might be ready?

Don't feel guilty if you give him an ultimatum - this is your life too,  and you have a right to be in charge of how you run it.  Best wishes.

[becks715]

I would chill out for a minute.  Think about it, the natural thing for men to want to do is provide.  If he is in school and you are providing, although he may not care, he may feel a tad "wussy" for lack of a better term.  Not that he is but instinctually.

If he is the one than I would suggest that you reiterate the point that you do not want to wait until you're 30 to be married but at the same time I would be willing to wait a bit longer.  "If it ain't broke why fix it?" Comes to mind.

I am almost 25 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now, living together for 2 of them and in every sense of the word we are married - minus the liscence.  Do you two live together?  If not I would suggest moving into that realm if it doesn't infringe on your beliefs, that is a big step and as I have found in my relationship it has brought us closer together for sure.  I definately want to marry him, but that is not so important any more.  I have the love of my life, my best friend by my side and that's what's important, not the piece of paper.  Even though I used to think the contrary.

Hey we all know that marriage 50% of the time end in divorce, not that you two will but the way I see it, the liscene and ring does not guarentee forever any more, as sad as that is.  My boyfriend and I wear rings on our left ring fingers that we bought for each other, we are committed and don't forget that the committment is what is to be valued, not the liscence.

Having said all that, maybe he's trying to throw you off! How exciting would that be?? :)  Again, talk to him calmly, reiterate your point and see what he says.  Go from there.

[gh25]

Thank you for the advice, everyone.

To answer some specific questions:
My BF and I do not have a marriage relationship without a license -- we do not live together and we are not having sex.  Neither one of us believes in living together before marriage and I want to wait until I get married to have sex.  

Specifically, my BF wants to get married after he finishes graduate school.  He says he wants to be financially stable before getting married.  He doesn't mind getting engaged sooner.  But he wants to get married in 4-5 yrs because that is when he envisions himself being financially stable in his "master plan."  To him financially stable = husband provides for the family; wife does not have to work.

I envisioned myself at the very least married by 30 in my "master plan" (and ideally I would have one child as well).  To me financial stability = either spouse works to provide for the family.      



  

[becks715]

Ah , thanks for the clarification.

Well, now see that changes things a bit.  Like I said before reiterate your point.  If he isn't opposed to getting engaged that's a step towards marriage is it not?  

Men have that idea of being the provider, some stronger than others!  I would suggest you say, "this relationship is about us, I like to work, I don't mind working, WE can be finanically stable it's not all about you having to provide, although I know that's what you want to do, and could do in time, but it doesn't have to be that way from the beginning"  Clarify that your definition and his are different.

Now that I see your beliefs I understand a bit more why you want it to happen, you probably feel a bit stalled in life - you want to move on to the next step ecspecially not living together.  

Maybe you could compromise - talk about getting engaged rather than married, see where that conversation takes you - might help you to wait a bit, or find out what he is thinking his "master plan" is. :)

[RockRose]

gh - your second post does clarify things a bit.  

Again,  this is your choice to make,  but if he has a very specific plan,  (and it sounds like an admirable one!) he sounds marriage oriented.

ON the other hand,  and although I am against shacking up,  and REALLY against having kids with no husband,  I have to put this seed in your mind.  Be very wary of a man who is willing to go years without sex.  Be VERY wary. Seen that,  honestly, I've never seen it work out.    Maybe others have.

[Jaybay]

If we all waited until everything was "perfect" before getting married and having children, well, the world would be a pretty darn small place.  :-)

I admire you both for doing some serious planning before marriage and family, it just sounds like he's taking it a bit far.  Who says you have to jump right in and have children right away?  You sound willing to work until the kids come along, so I don't see any logical financial barrier to at least getting a ring and setting a date - and sooner than 4 years.  :-)

[Me2mommy2b]

I agree with Rock.  He agreed to go 13 months with no sex AND wait 4-5 more years?  Hmmm...makes you wanna think.  Something ain't right.

[mayflowers]

5 more years is a long time to wait...I know I couldn't do it.  

[jenstam]

I also agree, something doesn't sound right about him waiting that long for sex. Also, keep in mind if you do decide to give him an ultimatum, you are either left to start over again and establish a new relationship with someone else, leaving you probably in the same age range as you didn't want to be in if he doesn't go for it, or if he does go for it, he may feel forced to make a decision he isn't ready to make and resentments might develop. You can't force marriage when both parties aren't ready. In a loving, mature relationship you should both be on the same "page" where marriage and commitment is concerned. If you aren't, maybe it's time to take a step back and see if you have the same master plan. Sounds like your timing might be off a bit. I wish you luck. This is a difficult position to be in.

[Tgg]

I'm in similar situation- I'm 23, bf- 24. We've been together for more than 2 years. I made many mistakes in our relationship including moving in together without me being ready  and pushing to talk about marriage too many times. I want to be married to him so much because I love him, but every time we talk, we get into a fight, ...so we stopped. I accepted he is not ready and I am trying to decide for myself what I want to do. The bad thing is the time is passing, I still think about marriage, I don't think he does at all. We turn the tv to a channel and if there is something related to the painful topic we switch the channel, we rarely watch romantic movie, we rarely talk how much we love each other anymore. I guess it is assumed we do. I feel sad in days like this one when I read about this topic and see other people in this situation.
I think I am pretty confident in what I am going to do with this relationship. I'm still waiting though for no reason. I can't let him go because I still love him so much. He has been part of me and huge part of my life. Everything around reminds me of him and the good times together..and I want more. I will probably give him an ultimatum soon, and I know he will choose not to be with me! I have to do this for myself or I will probably go crazy in couple of more year knowing he can't imagine me being his wife, mother of his kids...I need to dream about my life and how I want to spend it and have someone next to me. And I can't do that about us anymore...

[jo929]

i do nor beleive anyone can live together very long without it becoming intamate i do beleive you when you say you have not yet but i have my doubts about him i am not trying to bring him down in your eyes ask any man-and he will tell you it is normal for a man to have sex because mens hormones are a lot stronger than womens and their will is weaker also if you push that will give him a reason to backout and if he does marry at your insistance it wont last he will blame you later i think you are a very smart intelligent person and has come a long way think this over with your head and i do know that sometimes one cant help but let the ole heart rule make up your own mind but 4 years can chang heart mind body time has a way plese take a poll men only and see if they can stay celibate 4 years if one ans is yes something is not working sorry i hope you dont take offense it is just tht i am a lot lot older and have been aroud to see a lt all   lots luck  jo when i was younger i beleived everyone

[jo929]

sorry i said live together it was a mistake     jo

[nancyy]

Great comments everyone. I have a similar situation, so please feel free to check out my posts! I would greatly appreciate any input.

Gh, I know exactly where you're coming from. I have the same beliefs as you with regards to marriage, sex, etc. I'm just a little curious though...is it really unheard of that a guy wait well into his mid to late 20s to have sex? I guess I'm just really naiive when it comes to stuff like this. But couldn't it be a cultural thing? Or couldn't it be that they have a strong sense of discipline in this matter? I'm hoping the answer is yes!

[SweetPea740]

Ahh, the immortality of the internet...

I stumbled on this post looking for something else, but I'm curious to see how things turned out?

I was also surprised that no one did a practical breakdown of your ages & what you want against the practicalities that life would have been presenting you two.

25 (2007)- Her: 3rd yr law sch; Him: applying to Biz Sch. (and btw...who knows where he got in vs. where she was able to get a job)
26- Her: Bar, job search, MAJOR hours @ 1st job; Him: 1st yr biz sch & summer int.
27 (2008- start of financial crisis)- Her: MAJOR hours (depending I suppose on whether you had loans or family help, and corporate job wasn't needed); Him: 2nd yr biz sch & job search
28 (2009- financial crisis)- Her: Still MAJOR hours; Him: 1st job...possibly moving to other part of country...and likely MAJOR hours as well
29 (2010)- Year 4...things likely/hopefully at an even keel for the 2 of you in your careers...but w/ the financial crisis who knows...anyhoo, YEAH, I can totally see why he wouldn't want to be married before this point, or to even be thinking yet about adding sleepless nights w/ a kid to the above...and consider most ppl like to have a year to plan their marriage...and that takes you to year 5.

One of the wisest things I've heard about the difference between the sexes in terms of timing of marriage:

Women marry when they meet the right guy; men marry when the right time comes along.

[turkee23]

13 months and pushing him to get married..... doesnt sound like it would be a happy marriage.... he is telling you he isnt ready..... dont push 2 hrad or you will push him right out the door.....i would chill out for a while.....your already making a live of you own together ,,... why is that piece of paper so important right this second?

[gh27]

Hey I want to know what had happened to your relationship.Because it has already 4years.........

[Momo1409]

Its been 4 yrs and she replies once to this post. I think she's pry long gone!

[jay_51]

I found this page  when searching for something else. My bf(30yrs) and i(25yrs) have been together for almost 3years. We met in Germany. Am a medical student currently in the 4th year, he is in the military. Before he deployed he kept on saying he would marry me right  after his deployment. Now he says after i Grad. i have 2yrs before i can Grad. He is  back in the states after his deployment. I really love this man, when i met him it was just a date i did not want a relationship because i spent more time reading. After getting to know him, i could see me growing old with him. The 10 months apart was hard thats why i dont understand how he could be willing to wait another 2years. If he was here in Germany ,it would be ok but his is in the states and the distance is what makes it hard. I could move to the states and finish my medical degree but only with commitment. i told him that, but he keeps on saying that he loves me and wants me as his wife so i should hurry and grad then he would be ready to make me his wife. Am confused, is there something wrong? i dont understand why it has to be after i Grad, i want nothing than to spend every min with him and build our lives together. I thought i should post it here because i understand some of the situations mentioned here and would like someone neutral to tell me what they think, Thanks

[candygram]

just had this sort of convo with a gf of mine. I feel if you love him than you should have no problem waiting until than to get married. I think a lot of women push the issue of wanting to get married during a set time frame and honestly it might not work like that. I understand where your bf is coming from...he wants to be done with school and make sure you has his career and finances in order so that he can be an excellent husband for you. I feel that is very mature of him to want to do that. I rather have a bf who wants to have his own life in order first before committing to me as a husband. Plus you all have only been dating for a year...so I am sure there are things you guys could possibly improve on in ur relationship so that when you do eventually get married you guys will have all those things worked out whatever they may be.

However, at the end of the day it is your decision, but I feel if you leave him just b/c he doesn't wanna be married right now...than maybe you don't love him as much as you say you do...just a thought.