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Boyfriend uncommitted...should I continue to wait?
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Boyfriend uncommitted...should I continue to wait?

I've been dating a man for 5 1/2 years. We don't live together, yet spend a lot of time together...until recently, that is. Though I love him, I've been pulling away because I feel I need to try to learn how to live without him. For the first 3 years or so, we didn't talk about commitment or stability. We were having a great time getting to know each other. For the past 2 1/2 years, though, I've been thinking more and more of where the relationship is heading. The first time I asked him if he was ever getting me a ring, he gave me the strangest look and walked away. I didn't mention it again for months, but his attitude stayed with me. It's been getting more and more difficult for me. I decided to ask him straight out and he admitted he couldn't live with me. I have 5 children. Three away at college and two at home. You can imagine how busy the household is when all 5 are home. He's 8 years older than I am and has 2 adult children. He confessed he's unable to live in a house with all the activity that I seem to thrive on. I get that. But it doesn't take away the fact that I want to be in a committed relationship under one roof. I want to wake up in the mornings and go to sleep at night next to the one I love. I'm afraid it's time for me to give him an ultimatum. Similar to 'Act Like a Lady, but Think Like a Man' or is it 'Think Like a Man, but Act Like ... " Would love to hear your thoughts.
Tags: commitment, relationship, boryfriend, older boyfriend, lack of commitment
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you're at an impasse here.  

You're both honest and open enough to tell each other what you want,  and they don't match.

If he really can't tolerate the kind of activity level that is in your home,  believe him.  There are a LOT of men who don't admit that upfront and they marry and make the family absolutely miserable because they can't function in a lively loud household.

It's up to you now - do you want to be with him on his terms?    IMHO,  pressuring him to move in is out of the question.
12 Comments Post a Comment
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you're at an impasse here.  

You're both honest and open enough to tell each other what you want,  and they don't match.

If he really can't tolerate the kind of activity level that is in your home,  believe him.  There are a LOT of men who don't admit that upfront and they marry and make the family absolutely miserable because they can't function in a lively loud household.

It's up to you now - do you want to be with him on his terms?    IMHO,  pressuring him to move in is out of the question.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
"He confessed he's unable to live in a house with all the activity that I seem to thrive on."  Well, if he isn't up for this then you should assume marriage is out of the question.  

If you're looking for a long-term committment here it's not going to happen.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for your honest response. I agree with you which is why I've stayed around. His honesty is one of his best qualities. I just find myself feeling more and more lonely as the kids get older and embark on their own relationships which include sleepovers. I could always go to his house which is 5 miles down the road, but to be completely honest, I'm getting tired of staying in the relationship on his terms. I'm torn. Just need to be careful not to let my emotions get the best of me and become unreasonable in the process. Again, thanks.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi i read ur voment n if it were me id give em an altermatum n ask em if he loves u. N if he ever intends to vomit to u at all i think n it sounds to me thst hes. Using all ur kids as a excuse. N more n u dound like a really nice wonderfull terriffic person n i think n feel that u deaserve better. N only u can make any disision urself but u have to make tbe right one for u n most of sll ur kids as our children are slways no one once we have them so they must *** lst well id like to ask ur advice if thats ok well ive been seeing this gye for a year or more n at the begining it was om n he took me out for a drink at the pub n then we went onto a club after eating n i was sat right beside em n i caught em staring n loking at gorking nl looking at a piece of trash slag n that person was with her partner but derliburtly shook her behind right in our faces n he looked n i warned em there n then if he didnt stop it n didit agsin i was going to get up n smack her one u now so we got up n lelf n went somewere eles n we moved around a bit cause this bleach head kept following us around n we sat fown n she was there again n i sat right beside em n caught em gorking n looking at this cheap piece of trash with undressing looks
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Avatar_f_tn
I serjest u sit em down n ask em out right n if he still acts n behaves the same n gives the same reaspones then only u can deacide but if it were me id tell em to take a hike hun. With regards to mine wot fo u think i should fo i have no one well i have friends but u now how it is in the world now a days u skways have to be catefull who u talj with n trust ahhh
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey,
That's definitely a tough situation you're going through :(
Unfortunately though, I think he's said everything that needs to be said. He is incapable/ unwilling to live in a busy household and unfortunately you cannot change (nor would you want to for that matter) the situation you are in.

I feel for you, you have a several years invested in him and I'm sure a lot of emotion. I guess the other option is to continue dating him in the fashion you currently are and wait until all the kids have moved out and have started their own lives. The household would still get busy on occasion but it would unlikely be on a daily basis.

I think you have a lot to think about and a lot of weighing things out, to do :(

Good luck, I hope everything turns out for the best for you.
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Avatar_f_tn
Umm, your post was very hard to understand but I think you are basically saying that the man you are with, checks out and gawks at other women when you are with him.

For me, that shows a complete and utter lack of respect and I personally would not tolerate that. We are obviously attracted to the opposite sex and we all rubber neck from time to time. Sometimes unintentionally when we are with out partner but if he is blatantly doing it in front of you and you have mentioned to him that you do not appreciate it, I would end the relationship.

If I understand the post correctly, he sounds disrespectful, rude and like he genuinely isn't concerned about how his actions make you feel. It may not bother some women but it bothers you and you have told him and frankly, he is too selfish to change.

By the way, you can (and should) start your own post. If you go into the "relationship community" you will see and option to create your own post.

Good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.  It is a tough situation, especially since we do love each other and enjoy each other's company. I have no doubt the living together situation will work out when my youngest lives home in 4 years (or maybe earlier). I worry I won't have the patience to wait that long. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Just so you know, the 2 or 3 times I've brought up the conversation, he genuinely worries he's hurting me and tells me he's thinking about how to work things out...like buying a big house where he can go into his 'man cave' away from the 'craziness'. That conversation was 4 months ago. I haven't touched the subject since. A don't know about you ladies, but when the thought enters my mind, I just can't let it go and the entire day is adversely affected. Again, thanks for your responses. I truly appreciate the advice.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
I am not sure why you are waiting and everything is revolving around this man in regards to what he WANTS?  You are molding YOUR life around him and he should be FITTING into your life.

Why should your youngest have to move out for this to work or any of your children because he can't deal with a "busy" household?  He should be with someone who has a quiet or less busy household NOT trying to mold your situation into something that he wants.  

Does this man interact with your children at all?  Then, he was talking about a "mancave" and purchasing another home so that he can HAVE his "mancave."  What?  He has SOME nerve.

If your situation is NOT acceptable for this man at this time this is probably not the relationship for NEITHER of you.  

"Boyfriend uncommitted...should I continue to wait?"   In my opinion NO.  If he can't  ACCEPT your life "as is" then this ISN'T the relationship for you.  

Your situation isn't a piece of "clay" that can be molded into whatever he wants.  
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1268057_tn?1399131913
To Add:  After all the children are gone, what then?  I am sure he will have something else he can't tolerate and wants you to change.

You are TRULY selling yourself too short for this guy.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi thannks for ur respones n advice hes csrming n nice gye but i just font understand. Why hes like he is n why hed do. That with n to me im not ugerky im.  Very bautifull n attactive n have tryed n done everything i can in every way shape n form with n for em n hes a good man but im so very hurt ect n more he says he luves me n has no intendions about n of these trashy. Cheap females if he luves me how can thst be as hes doing n done that. To me n been abusiv n showed me up in the street n in my house in my home n more trouble is i luv him so much with all my hart but will not tolletate how hes been n wot. Hes. Done to me n put me through n more ive had all this for a year but in other ways hes been so sweet n spoilt me but he dosnt seem to clasp n understand the issue of n about bidy langage n how it works ect n i just feel that i judt csrnt win any how no matter what i fo whst would u do if u was me can u help me please n tel me how to set up my own post thingy like u have a s a p pls ive packed all his things n told him its over but i just dont now what to fo n the wsy i feel at the moement i judt font want to be alive anymore are u there 50n waiting please. How did n are u getting on i wish u all the best n good luck n i really hope that sll n everything works out for u ok lol gorgousr x
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Avatar_f_tn
It is a good sign that he is trying to work things out. But at the same time, if he really loves you you would think that he would love you enough to put up with the craziness for a few years..  Just a thought. If it were me in this situation, I would see it has having 2 choices.Stay with him and let him decide when hes ready, or move on.

Another thought-if you are happy-why rock the boat? A ring is a great symbol, but its a ring and a word change.. If you two are truly happy-keep going.. things that are supposed to work out tend to work out the way they are supposed to!(redundant, i know!) But really--if you're happy-enjoy being happy!!!!!
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