Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend

[FLGirl241]

My boyfriend, who I have been dating for about 6 months found out about 2 months into our relationship that his ex-girlfriend, who he dated for only a couple of months, was pregnant and she claimed that it was his.  When he first told me this, it was easy to accept it because the baby was not here yet, and I could just put it to the back of my mind also, I felt something special with him, like we could make it through anything.  He, felt like maybe it wasn't his and we wouldn't know for sure until it was born.  As her due date got closer, she started text messaging and calling him a lot more often and it started getting to me.  I told him that it was not necessary for her to be contacting him so much, only if it were about the baby.  He ended up going to the hospital and being in the room while she had the c-section and spent the whole day in the hospital.  He fell in love with the little guy and I am having such a hard time with this.  Because this is an infant, he has to go to her house, she is living with her grandparents, to spend time with the baby.  He tells me that he is only doing this to take responsibility for his actions.  However, he now is unsure of whether he is going to get a paternity test, which I do not agree with.  I am so emotional over this and want to be there for him through this stressful time, but yet I get so emotional when trying to talk to him about it all.  The other problem is he has not told his mom or a few of his sisters because he comes from a very religious family who does not think that this is acceptable.  Any advice would be great!

[FLGirl241]

Another thing is, he does respect the way I feel about contacting him only when it is about the baby, he even told her this to make sure she knows that he does not want to get back together with her.  She knows that he has a girlfriend.  Also, the reason he broke up with her in the first place was because he found that she was going through a divorce and had another child!  And, she is only 22..I am 23 and my boyfriend is 25...

[RockRose]

I think when you first heard his girlfriend was pregnant you should have walked away.

As it is,  I think now you should walk away,  and allow him to get back together with the mother of his child and parent his baby.  A girlfriend is nothing,  and totally replaceable,  and a baby is a profound commitment.

OR,  you can decide to ignore this and hang on to him and keep nagging him that you don't want him talking to her,  and you don't want him fully taking responsibility for his baby.  

[slow_healer]

I agree with RockRose. Your story reminds me of a friend who starting dating a married man with a young son. Of course, he promised her that he was getting a divorce and that his relationship with his wife was over. Three years later, my friend is still waiting for that divorce so that MAYBE they can think about getting married. Each time he goes to visit his son, I know my friend spends her time wondering whether his wife will ask him to come back (again, which she has done before).

This advice isn't supposed to make you feel stupid - but like RockRose said, a girlfriend is replaceable while a baby is not. Your boyfriend probably is a great guy with whom you've hit it off. But unfortunately he made some serious choices before you came along, and he'll have to live with them. That's not a reflection on you two - it's a fact of his life. Choose to support him or not, think about how it's going to play out. The baby and the ex are not going to disappear.

[mayflowers]

I really have to agree with the other posters on this one.  I know it's not going to be easy for you to give up someone you connect with however, as slow_healer said, he made some serious choices before you came along.  Sad as it is, you are young and you could find someone else that doesn't have baggage like this guy.  Please realize that he is going to be financially responsible for this child which means less for you and any children you two may have together if you two ever decided to get married at some point.

Because I do believe that everything happens for a reason, this could be what you need to move on and find the guy you were meant to be with.  

[mayflowers]

I just thought I would clarify something...I don't think you should stop seeing him so that he goes back to the ex-gf, b/c obviously if that was meant to work out, it would have happened while she was pregnant.  For all we know, she got pregnant to trap him although he could have prevented that if he was smart enough.  I don't think he owes it to this woman to be with her however he does have a responsibility to his son.  That responsibility is a big one and unless you are ready to be in 2nd place, it's not really something you have any obligation to stick around for.  You deserve to be first in his life but right now, you can't.  

[becks715]

Tough decision really.  But I feel taking the child out of the equation he really isn't listening to how you feel, period.  And that's not good.

From the other side of the coin I know that it can work as my boyfriend has a child from his previous relationship however she is 6 not a newborn and you have to realize that newborns command 24/7 and if you can't handle that then cut your losses now.

Yes you have to realize that they are now a package and you have to deal with the ex and all that comes with it.  But it can work out, I was terrified the first time I met his daughter and her mother but now we get along just fine, it took lots of time and lots of me just being casual and sitting back and waiting but it has worked out quite nicely.

I think that the points made previously are all totally valid and something you have to think about, you don't want to end up resenting him for it which will happen if he isn't listening to you or your fears and concerns.  I think you've got some serious soul searching and tough questions to ask yourself.  I wish you the best.

[ziggysgrl0724]

I can tell you that if you are not ok with this ex girlfriend having a role in your life, as well as a major role in your bf's life....you really do need to walk away.  When I met my DH he was divorced and had a 4 year old....not the same as your situation..but i loved him so much i didnt care about all that...well , we have been married 3 1/2 years now..and everytime the ex wife enters the equation it still makes my blood boil.  

Your BF needs the space to be a good father right now...unfortunatly that involves being around the mom....a newborn is not an ideal " one week your house, one week mine" type situation....as time goes on, the feelings you have about this arent going to get any easier...because it is like dealinbg wit jealousy x 2.  Tell him that you love him, and you dont want to be without him..but as an adult you feel he needs the time to be able to be with his child and get everything else straight...and quite frankly you just dont know if its best for you to be involved in this....the feelings you have on this are going to way worse before there is even a chance of them getting better....hope this helps...I know its prob not exactly the stuff you wanna hear...

[FLGirl241]

I really appreciate everyone's advice...however, I do not know if this is a guy I can walk away from. Unfortunately, I feel as though he is the one for me, even though this other situation is occurring.  I know that I am young, but they say that you usually know right away when someone is the one, and that is how I feel about him.  This is why I am having such conflicting thoughts about the whole situation.  I feel like if he and I are meant to be, we will be able to work through this...however, it is proving to be harder than I thought to be able to get through it.  This is a very new situation...the baby was only born a week ago, so is it possible that time can heal things?  I am just so confused because I do not want to let go of him, even though that seems to be the majority vote.

[jml1986]

I am a big believer in paternity testing and would not even stay in a relationship with a man who does not get one. Expecially since his ex was just a girlfriend and not a wife. I know this may sound odd with me being a woman and all but I have seen way to many guys who just accept what they are told without having proof and then they spend years paying for a child that may not be theirs. Another reason is because a child is a life altering event and it not only effects the parents and the child, it effects the parents future mate.

[FLGirl241]

At first, he was very willing to get one and has told her that he wants one..but its not until after the baby was born that he began giving any uncertainty about having the test done. So, I do not know if it is just having seen the baby and just believing that it is his...I mean could he just instinctively know, or is he just believing what he is being told? He keeps saying how it really looks like him, which I can kind of see from the pictures...I just don't know how to keep pushing the issue..sometimes you can only say something so many times...

[becks715]

If he is the one then you can work through it.

You must accept that 1. he is a father and you don't get 100% of his attention anymore - ever.
2. That the "ex" will always be there and in your life, you have to learn to deal with her and the situation and if you can't I'm telling you now no matter how much you love him it isn't going to work
3. You have to be extermely honest with him, and DEMAND that in return.  If communication isn't open and honest then the relationship will crumble
4.  You have to let him have time to be a dad - if the babe is his he needs to be there and develop that relationship
5.  Demand a paternity test - for him and the baby not for you.  Tell him you want to know but think it's best that he knows for sure as well so that that issue can be burried.  With a DNA result you can't fight over it can you?

If he isn't willing to listen to you no matter how much you push he isn't the one.  The one will always eventually listen to you.  And sooner rather than later.  I wish you the best and yes it can work but no it's definately not easy.  Do some serious thinking about it, serious thinking.  And push the issue and if he still isn't responding - you need to realize that he just isn't going to and that is probably not the best relationship to be in right now.  Sometimes when you love something that much, you have to let it go.  Cliche I know but definately holds truth.

[ziggysgrl0724]

I think that it couldnt have been put better the becks has put it......that is very sound advice....

[nevermindu]

I have a friend whose girlfriend told him she was pregnant.They got married.Two years later,she wants a divorce and says "by the way,my daughter isn't yours".He got a paternity test and it was true.This absolutely broke his heart.I tried to tell him when she first announced she was pregnant because they hadn't been together too long but he was "sure" the baby was his.

He needs to get a paternity test now.When you get the results you can sit down and discuss what needs to be done if the baby is his.This isn't the 1950's where just because there is a baby it automatically means the parents have to be together.Obviously something was wrong in the relationship and that is why they broke up.

Good luck.

[lamb18]

Hello. I can give you a lot of advice. My boyfriend has a 4 year old son with some POS that lives in North Carolina. When I first got with him, the kid didn't bother me. After a while, when I wanted to go out on the weekends and hang out with him, he couldnt because he had his kid. It really got on my nerves to the point where I wanted to leave him. We did split up for about 2 months, but got back together after I had cooled off. Now, all 3 of us live in the same apartment and the kid really just irritates the **** out of me. He is the biggest cry baby that i have ever seen, he is already talking back (I know its crazy), i had no idea that a child at the age of 4 could already be so disrespectful. OMG i go crazy all the time. It also gets to me that me and him no longer have "our time" together. There is always one more. It sucks. I am not going to lie. But I love my boyfriend to death and I always tell myself that I will not let his satan spawn (haha) get in the middle of us. If you have a high tolerance, go for it, but I am warning you it totally sucks! I am only 18, but if your ready to settle down and start a family (whether now or later) this will be the right decision for you. Good luck...

[nevermindu]

In your situation did it ever occur to you that this child knows exactly how you feel about him?He didn't ask to be born and frankly if your boyfriend is aware of how you feel he should be dumping YOU.I married someone who pretended to like my two boys.Afterwards he did nothing but pick on my 9 year old and he made it clear to both of us he didn't like him.My youngest was 2 at the time and wasn't a "bother" to the ex.My 9 year old felt the dislike from the a$$ I married and it was horrible.My kids come first no matter what.I kicked the jerk to the curb.Glad I did to for many other reasons that doesn't pertain to this subject.

If you really love your boyfriend like you say,then prove it buy growing up and loving the child.I'm sure he feeds off of your anger/dislike/irritation and that is why he is the way he is.Calling him satan spawn and then laughing about it is just wrong.Sounds like you need to grow up yourself.Do you verbally or physically abuse him when his dads not around too?

[waitingwithhope]

Your feelings of insecurity and jealousy tell me that your bf is either not giving you the signals you need to feel secure or you feel insecure within yourself to maintain this relationship. If you were confident in your position in your bf's life, you would welcome the fact he is being a father to his child and while it is uncomfortable knowing he is having to contact his ex, you would still be ok with it because he is fulfilling his responsibilities. As well, you would welcome this child into your life because it is an extension of him--even if it is with someone else.
If he is going to go back with her--there is not much you can do to stop him from doing so--it really will be his decision. The fact he does not want to take a paternity test tells me that he might secretly want the baby and the relationship with his ex to work out (or he plain does not have the money to do it?). If he believes that baby is his it makes it easier for him to have an excuse to be there at her house, plus he is bonding with the child. This keeps his relationship with his ex "alive" even if he claims it is just for the baby.
If he truly did not want contact with her with the exception of the baby, he would take the paternity test just to verify that the child is even his....men who see the relationship as over would want to further distance themselves from it and taking a paternity test which may turn out that it is not his would allow for the chance of him walking away and getting back to you without guilt.
At this point, the realty is he has a child and an ex-gf. If this is too much for you to take long term (because a child and being a parent is for life), you owe it to yourself to walk away and find someone who does not have this as part of their package as much as you love him and as much as this will hurt--it will hurt more and more if you become resentful of the child and the relationship he has with the child's mother and chances are, he would sense that sooner or later and let YOU go. If you feel you can handle it, then be upfront with your bf but also let him know that you support him, trust him and will stand by him.
I suspect that while you support him and want to stand by him...you don't trust him 100%.

[FLGirl241]

I have trust issues because of my last relationship...not because of my current one.  He has given me no reason to not trust him, but unfortunately I came with a lot of emotional baggage because I was cheated on and lied to in the past. My current boyfriend and his ex do not believe in being with someone that you do not love, just because it may be "easier" to raise the child.  I do not feel threatened by her because she comes with an ex husband and another child...so, I do not feel as though he will run off with her,I know that he wants to be with me.. that is not my problem. I have a problem with not being able to be first anymore and with having to let him bond with the mother of his child. I think overall, I just need to get over being so selfish and feeling sorry for myself and realize that he is going to spend time with his ex right now because of the baby, and soley for that purpose.  If I cannot understand that, then I guess I will have to reconsider my relationship...however, that is not what I want.

[Skyfoxglitter]

I wanted to give you a little positive feedback amongst all the negative you have heard... I was in your exact situation, met a guy started dating and fell in love...2 months into our relationship his ex shows up pregnant claiming it to be his.... So he did the right thing and went to the hospital when she was born, of course I had mixed feelings and I was very jealous especially being put on the back burner, but I do agree that these baby's do not ask to be born so I did stick around and we started having the baby over on weekends, paying child support and all the things that went along..I will not lie it was hard and frustrating at times but I never gave up on my relationship..I would push for the paternity test though because after 2 years of having this baby in our lives she wanted to change the baby's last name to her's so we fought it and of course he had to take a paternity test to prove she was his in order to keep his last name and we found out she was not his daughter after all... The pain I seen him go through was devestating but we picked up the peices and moved on and now we have a beautiful 8 yr old daughter and I would not change a thing.... Hope this helps :-)

[FLGirl241]

Thank you for your advice, it really did help me realize that I just have to deal with what comes with this baby, since it is not the baby's fault and he should be able to have a life with people who love him.  I do have a question for you, how long did it take for you to meet your boyfriends "baby"?

[Skyfoxglitter]

I met the baby at about 2 weeks old, believe it or not the mother couldn't wait to go out and party so we were able to have the baby over on weekends starting at 2 weeks old..... Now that bothered me more than my man having a new baby~~I mean the fact that she didn't care who had her kid because she had not even met me yet she just wanted to be out partying.....Anyways I promise you it will get better, it really is the newness of the baby that has him in awe.... If you are meant to be he will share this with you trust in that...

[FLGirl241]

Thank you..You have really made me feel better about the whole thing!

[JJ004]

I am going throught this exact same situation right now. my boyfriend's ex just had her baby 6 days ago and he thinks it looks so much like him, he says he knows it is his. i had to write him a note with everything i wanted to say in it bc i was so emotional about him not wanting to get a patenity test. do you have any advice for me? this is so emotionally draining right now... thanks

[momagain59]

I wish you would start a new post with your info in it so, you could get the response you deserve.