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Breaking Off, But Feeling Inadequate
Hi -- Because the people here are honest and non-judgmental and helpful...
I posted before about my boyfriend who I sometimes can't stand -- with his porn that makes him desensitized and his past fantasies that don't involve me and never will -- I have to break up with him, I know I do. It's not the porn -- I watch porn myself and it's cool, I dig a lot of it -- but it's how porn has gukked up his mind. Also, how he looks at women in stores and leers at their chests or butt or tries hard not to look at them with a guilty look on his face. It's disrespectful to me. He can watch porn, but, most certainly, porn should not shape who he is and what the world around is like... and it makes him less sensitive to sex too.
However, as each day goes by, I realize that we've fallen into a pattern of comfort-ability and there's a very big part of me that feels sorry for him -- he hasn't really been in a relationship before and my past (I've lived with 2 other guys before and have dated a lot seriously), more or less, intimidates him. He's overweight and is self conscious, but I love the way he looks. He likes to cuddle and talk and do things that are fun around the city.
But he's childish and selfish -- he gave up smoking in our apt (a temporary live-in situation), but he smokes when he's at gigs. He jerks off a lot and I'm going through some health issues that have lead to insecurities, so it bothers me that porn means that much to him. He says things that are downright stupid and insulting... then he'll apologize when I call him out on it. He'll realllly apologize for it and feel bad for it. He doesn't want to lose me as a girlfriend, because, really, I make him happy. And sometimes, he makes me happy too.
My friends like that he's grounded me. I used to fool around a lot. They also think I've become more settled down and I seem comfortable (even domestic -- I took up knitting!).
However, with all the bad times we share and the insecurities that I have... I still want to break up with him. Am I justified in doing so? I think in my last post, everyone thought so. But how do I phrase something like that? I know I could do better... but I also don't want to hurt him. Maybe I'm just too senstive to his needs...
I posted before about my boyfriend who I sometimes can't stand -- with his porn that makes him desensitized and his past fantasies that don't involve me and never will -- I have to break up with him, I know I do. It's not the porn -- I watch porn myself and it's cool, I dig a lot of it -- but it's how porn has gukked up his mind. Also, how he looks at women in stores and leers at their chests or butt or tries hard not to look at them with a guilty look on his face. It's disrespectful to me. He can watch porn, but, most certainly, porn should not shape who he is and what the world around is like... and it makes him less sensitive to sex too.
However, as each day goes by, I realize that we've fallen into a pattern of comfort-ability and there's a very big part of me that feels sorry for him -- he hasn't really been in a relationship before and my past (I've lived with 2 other guys before and have dated a lot seriously), more or less, intimidates him. He's overweight and is self conscious, but I love the way he looks. He likes to cuddle and talk and do things that are fun around the city.
But he's childish and selfish -- he gave up smoking in our apt (a temporary live-in situation), but he smokes when he's at gigs. He jerks off a lot and I'm going through some health issues that have lead to insecurities, so it bothers me that porn means that much to him. He says things that are downright stupid and insulting... then he'll apologize when I call him out on it. He'll realllly apologize for it and feel bad for it. He doesn't want to lose me as a girlfriend, because, really, I make him happy. And sometimes, he makes me happy too.
My friends like that he's grounded me. I used to fool around a lot. They also think I've become more settled down and I seem comfortable (even domestic -- I took up knitting!).
However, with all the bad times we share and the insecurities that I have... I still want to break up with him. Am I justified in doing so? I think in my last post, everyone thought so. But how do I phrase something like that? I know I could do better... but I also don't want to hurt him. Maybe I'm just too senstive to his needs...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good advice from Ashelen. I think the real purpose of dating when we want to eventually find a long term partner is for weeding out those that wouldn't ultimately make us happy for a life time. You'd be selling yourself and your life short to NOT break up with someone you've decided isn't right for you.
That doesn't mean it is going to be easy. When we have some big thing that has happened like they cheated on us . . . it is a no brainer. But dear, I commend you for just seeing that you two aren't the greatest match. That is called taking care of yourself and it takes a real grown up to walk away from a comfortable situation in order to find something that will work better. You're a smart gal, for sure.
Remember when you are breaking it off that you are doing this to better your own life. There IS a better match out there-- it is worth waiting for. So, take care of you. Take care of him by just being honest and leaving no wiggle room where he thinks he should keep working on it.
You two have fundamental differences. He smokes, you don't. He's allowed something like porn to dominate over other things (like your feelings) and you aren't down for that. It's okay to move on when it is in your best interest.
I do wish you luck and let us know how it goes! Peace
That doesn't mean it is going to be easy. When we have some big thing that has happened like they cheated on us . . . it is a no brainer. But dear, I commend you for just seeing that you two aren't the greatest match. That is called taking care of yourself and it takes a real grown up to walk away from a comfortable situation in order to find something that will work better. You're a smart gal, for sure.
Remember when you are breaking it off that you are doing this to better your own life. There IS a better match out there-- it is worth waiting for. So, take care of you. Take care of him by just being honest and leaving no wiggle room where he thinks he should keep working on it.
You two have fundamental differences. He smokes, you don't. He's allowed something like porn to dominate over other things (like your feelings) and you aren't down for that. It's okay to move on when it is in your best interest.
I do wish you luck and let us know how it goes! Peace
No kids, but we live together and, given our financial situations, it's much more financially feasible to stay living together. I can't afford to move out really... which could be a lot of my hesitation.
Also, I'm 24 and I've never really broken up with anyone -- it's just fizzled and was mutual, or distance made it easier to move on. in this instance, we both need to be in nyc, we have a lot of the same friends, and we've never been serious with anyone else in exactly the same way... so pardon my ineptitude with this situation.
clean break... yes. I'll brave on and go for it...
Also, I'm 24 and I've never really broken up with anyone -- it's just fizzled and was mutual, or distance made it easier to move on. in this instance, we both need to be in nyc, we have a lot of the same friends, and we've never been serious with anyone else in exactly the same way... so pardon my ineptitude with this situation.
clean break... yes. I'll brave on and go for it...
You have no kids, right? no big purchases together like a house, or cars?
You don't need a justification for breaking up with him. If it just isn't clicking, that's all you need. Things don't sound AWFUL, but it also doesn't sound like they're GREAT....
do you want to expend the effort to work through this? could you see yourself with him for the rest of your life, which would make it worthwhile to invest time and effort into getting the relationship in a place where you want it to be? or are you ready to cut your losses and move on?
If it were me and I were ready to break up, I'd just say that I felt like the relationship had given me everything I could get from it...that he was a great guy and I still had fun with him, but I felt like we would both do better on our own.
Keep it simple, answer his questions if you want, keep it honest....but don't be cruel and point out his selfishness or childishness, just say that some of his behaviors bothered you if he asks.
Not all relationships are going to be perfect all the time, and you may just be in a down time...but again, because you have no commitments, you really have no obligations to stick it out and see if things get good again; only your heart can tell you if it's worth it or not. in my opinion? once pity enters a relationship, in any form, it's over. and you say you feel sorry for him.
remember...break-ups don't have to be traumatic, but they should be clean. if you decide to break-up...do it gently, but firmly.
You don't need a justification for breaking up with him. If it just isn't clicking, that's all you need. Things don't sound AWFUL, but it also doesn't sound like they're GREAT....
do you want to expend the effort to work through this? could you see yourself with him for the rest of your life, which would make it worthwhile to invest time and effort into getting the relationship in a place where you want it to be? or are you ready to cut your losses and move on?
If it were me and I were ready to break up, I'd just say that I felt like the relationship had given me everything I could get from it...that he was a great guy and I still had fun with him, but I felt like we would both do better on our own.
Keep it simple, answer his questions if you want, keep it honest....but don't be cruel and point out his selfishness or childishness, just say that some of his behaviors bothered you if he asks.
Not all relationships are going to be perfect all the time, and you may just be in a down time...but again, because you have no commitments, you really have no obligations to stick it out and see if things get good again; only your heart can tell you if it's worth it or not. in my opinion? once pity enters a relationship, in any form, it's over. and you say you feel sorry for him.
remember...break-ups don't have to be traumatic, but they should be clean. if you decide to break-up...do it gently, but firmly.
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