Here's the thing, my boyfriend and I had been together for almost a year and half. He is 23 still in college and I am 22 and a recent graduate. At the beginning, when I didnt know much about him, I was passionately in love with him and I was the happiest I'd ever been. Soon, however, when I moved in. I started to notice his habit with pornography and his obsession with women. Not only would I discover him watching porn when I was gone, but would find him using derogatory language for women's body parts with his friends and asking his buddies frequently if their female friends were "down to to F***". I mean...I know that he is young and a college boy but it seemed to me that he lacked complete respect for women. In addition, he spent a lot of time texting women I didnt know, facebooking random girls in bikinis, and flirting, when he had a perfectly good girlfriend at home. I started to completely lose all trust and respect for him and pretty much felt used...like I was some sexual conquest that he had on lock.
Many times when I would leave the house, I would come home to find that he had been watching porn and it hurt my feelings very badly because I had always tried to fulfill his needs. I am naturally very sexual and I actually wanted it more than him, so i dont understand why he had such strong urge to masterbate to porn. I am not against masturbating at all, but the mere fact that I was open to having sex frequently and he still continued to use porn even though it hurt me very badly was a slap in my face. When he wanted it, oh i had to be ready...but when I wanted it...he just "wasnt in the mood." Many times I told him how his porn watching made me feel and he responded with "sorry, all guys do it." And "I can do whatever I want...", while at the same time begging me to stay with him.
Finally, I had to break it off and use his porn use as an excuse. Yes, it was about the porn and his complete disrespect for women and objectification of them as solely providers of sex, but it was more about his complete misunderstanding and avoidance of my needs. How could he say he loved me and yet allow me to suffer like that. I don't know about ya'll but I feel that if you truly love someone, you will sacrifice some things to make them happy. But no...he just wished me luck in finding a man that I could control. I suggested counseling, and he agreed but I dont even know if its worth it. His actions scream a desire to be single.
I love him a lot and he says I've broken his heart too many times with the constant breaking up, but this breakup is so final that I find myself alone and missing him every single day. I don't know what to do. Should I email him to explain, that it wasnt about the porn? The porn was just a symptom. I know many men watch porn but are still loving and caring toward their mates.
Or, should I just leave this alone and move on? I made some mistakes throughout the relationship, I was very moody and emotionally unstable. But, it takes two to make a relationship work....am I wrong?
If I had a girlfriend who wanted sex as much as you say you did I would be happy with that part and have no interest in porn or flirting with other women.
If I loved someone then I would be willing to make compromises to help the relationship along.
Your final statement about moody and unstable maybe true but he didn't leave you through those things which says to me he either loved you or was indifferent to the whole situation. If you were my girlfriend and you were moody and unstable then I am sure would have had many discussions and arguments but in the long run they would have been to make the relationship better and I don't see anything he did to make the relationship better.
He is young and so are you, you will both find other people and be happy with them. You have no need to explain to him about anything else, you told him a reason and you should stick by it, if he wants to seek therapy for his porn then support him and then you can talk to him about the other issues, but if he is not going to make several changes it seems then he is not the right person for you. And in the end that is what it comes down to.
I can say that I have been in long a couple of time but found out that those other ones were not the right people for me. I had never had the kind of love I have now for my wife with the other women but it was still love.
I agree with Vance. Seems that you two didnt have the type of relationship that you are looking for. You gave him a reason why you left. You can leave it at that.
You did not approve of his actions (disrespect, flirting, texting, etc..) and are justified to expect more from a boyfriend.
One note however regarding masterbation because you will probably run into this again in life... It is common for males or females to want to pleasure themselves from time to time EVEN IF you are available for regular sex. Masterbation is quite different to sex with another person (no kidding, right?).
You should try not to think of it as a slap in the face because I dont think it is about NOT wanting to be with you as much as WANTING to be by himself. Not trying to be argumentative here, but you dont own every one of his orgasms.
I applaud your perception on his lack of respect on objectification of women and I don't blame you for not trusting him, because he.has given you reason to not be trusted by his tasteless, lustful behavior.
It also sounds as if he might have a porn addiction, if he is maturbating to it. Also, if he is in an exclusive relationship with you, he "can't" do whatever he wants, it doesn't work that way. I'm proud of your awareness of when something is wrong with the relationship and you caught it when you wrote, " he's complete disrespect for women and objectification as sole providers of sex"....we are so much more than that and he has a huge loss. You seem educated, intelligent and a good future ahead of you. You took the appropriate action to leave him. He's just not ready for a committed relationship. I understand that you love him, but if he love you, he would espect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated and have absolutely no need to view porn.
Surround yourself with good friends, family and a possitive environment and it's one day at a time for now, but there is someone out there who can't wait for you to cross his path! Good Luck!
I have read your post and can understand your views, i think a high % watch porn if either with somebody or not, i watch porn of one site i use if and when i want too, am not addicted to it and to be honest when i was with a partner and having regular sex i still watched porn when had time alone, we are all different but i wouldn’t end over this unless it was out of control and he was obsessed with porn an sex which effects other areas in life.
Thank you all for your comments. They were very helpful and generously received. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that he is not right for me. His habits, personality, and values are not what I want in a husband or a father for my children. Yes, I am young and not planning on getting married tommorow but I want to be in a long term committed relationship with someone who holds the same values and is seeking similar goals.
Hopefully some therapy will help me pick up the pieces :)
I say good for you! You have set yourself high enough that says to the world. I have standards and will not be treated in such a disrespectful way in a relationship. Kudos! I personally think if more ladies respected themselves this way, there would be far less of the issue going on these days.
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