COMMITMENT

[ORCIM]

I am a middle aged woman and have been a relationship for the past 7 years with a man of the same age.  We have been living together for 6 and a half years and went through difficult times (not difficult in the relationship but otherwise, eg financially, etc). When I agreed to live together I was already certain that I wanted to marry him, but no commitment of that sort has ever come from his side.  I have mentioned the subject at several occasions, I have hinted and I have even accused him of not wanting to commit, but he just sticks to the excuse that he cannot marry me if he is not in a financial position to support me.  The fact is that at certain points in our relationship it did go financially well, but even then he never went to the trouble to ask me to marry him.  I am a religious person and I believe that it is not right in the eyes of the Lord to stay together without being married and I have mentioned to him on several occasions that this may be the reason that we cannot get out of the financial crisis we are in.  I also said to him that I am certain that our lives would improve should we do the right thing and get married.

I have even mentioned to him that I am starting to think that he is keeping the backdoor open for his ex wife should she decide to take him back (she has also not married since they got divorced 12 years ago).  He however denies this.

He claims that he really loves me and that he wants to marry me, but it never gets to the point where he asks or even talks about the subject out of his own.

I am really getting worried that he might return to his ex-wife as he has three children with her (two of them are still teenagers) as she is a very manipulative woman and always gets her way.  She has never really tried to get him back and I am scared that should she try she might convince him to come back for the sake of the children.  I am very insecure in this regard as we do not have children together and will never have children together because of our age.

I am starting to get really desperate as our relationship at this stage is just a matter of routine and nothing special happens between us anymore.  We go about doing our day to day things and even sex is at a complete standstill at the moment.

I need advice desperately as I'm afraid we are in a cul de sac which is going nowhere

[ORCIM]

Very true and that's what worries me the most.  Why is he not playing open cards and telling me what the real reason is for him not wanting to get married.  I feel if it was something I needn't worry about he would have told me, but the fact that he is avoiding the issue altogether tells me that he has some hidden agenda and this is the reason I am worried that it might be the fact that he is keeping a backdoor open.

[Londres70]

You know if he just doesn't want to flat out get married he should be direct and to the point about this, not giving some weak excuses making it seem he would if "this and that" were different.  

I wouldn't recommend compromising your beliefs.  

7 years and still no plans of marriage or talk.......that's a long time to be with someone and you still aren't getting what you want or what you think you deserve.  

[ORCIM]

Thanks RockRose.  Sometimes its hard to hear what you actually knew all the time.

[ORCIM]

Exactly my thoughts - not financially in a position to get married, but living together no problem! Thanks Londres70!

[Londres70]

Whether he isn't committing because he might still want to get back with the ex or whether is he isn't committing because of other reasons.......who knows.  Perhaps he thinks living with you is enough of a commitment at this time. He did mention he is not in a financial position to marry you and be able to take care of you, but he is in a financial position to "live" with you?

I would recommend you stand by your conviction, i.e. " I am a religious person and I believe that it is not right in the eyes of the Lord to stay together without being married" and do what's best for you.  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  He does seem to be letting you know indirectly that he is not wanting to get married.  He talks the talk but there is no action to support it.  I think you will have to accept this.

I don't know if he still has feelings for his ex and wants to go back with her.   He could also be really hurt from the divorce and have an emotional block that he doesn't want to do that again.  

But Rockrose is right, whatever his reasons-----  he's not getting married.  Do you want to continue your relationship with him if this is it-----  always live ins and never marrieds?  If so, you'll have to stop making this an issue.  If not, you have to act on it.  You may lose him but if you can't accept just being live ins, then cut the cord now.  

good luck

[Life360_Dave]

Why are you so worried about him getting back with the ex? What is happening to make you think this as this seems to be your major concern.

[RockRose]

Orcim,  you have the rare ability to see your situation very,  very clearly.

So now,  the decision is all yours.  

I agree that chances seem good he'd go back to his family if she invited him.  I also agree that he's making false excuses for why he won't marry you.  

So now it's yours to choose.  Is this lifestyle worth it for now?  Are you getting enough out of it - even if he never marries you - to decide it's worth your time to stay?  If the relationship never deepens in commitment from here? (the answer of course,  can be yes - doesn't have to be no)

Best wishes.  You certainly seem to have the ability to put the facts on the table.  Now it's time to weigh how you feel about it.