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1251312 tn?1271359650

Can our marriage be saved

My husband and I have been married almost 24 years. Our sex life has never been 'great' just okay. Well, we have hit a very rough patch and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this same or similar situation? We married way to young. I was 17, he was 22. We had our first child 5 years later with our second child to follow 4 years later.

My husband has had problems with, I guess you could call it ED, for many years now. The first time he went to the doctor was about 5 years ago. NOT a urologist though.. They did blood work and he has tried Cialis, Viagra and Androgel. Over the years there would be times he would get some better but then he would go right back to where he is now. Sometimes he can get an erection enough for penetration but he will either *** immediately or go limp:(
I tell him it's okay but I am always left hanging. It has really bad now. Now we just seem to go to bed turn our backs to one another, do not even say I love you and go to sleep. We even go to bed at different times, maybe just to avoid a situation. We rarely talk anymore. We have tried though.

We did decide this week after giving the 'sex thing' one more shot, to just not try anymore. Okay, but I am only 41 years old and I really love sex. I don't want to give it up. He is 46 and I feel sure down deep he can't either? I don't know what to do. I don't hate him at all. I love him but I don't. I know that sounds crazy and maybe it is. I don't even know if I am attracted to him anymore. I don't want to hurt him but I dont' think I can live the rest of my life with him either. He is a good man and I am a good woman but we have grown apart. He tells me he is very attracted to me and that there is no one else.

He has an appt. with a Urologist in May. Anyone else in this same situation? HELP
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1251312 tn?1271359650
Well, I am definitely not perfect by far but I don't want to scar him emotionally any more than he has already scarred himself.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

Thanks for your kind words very much.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
You sound like a loving partner.  I hope that the appointment results in answers for you both.  good luck
Helpful - 0
1251312 tn?1271359650
You are right, it is not okay but I guess I just don't want to hurt him. I know he is already hurting anyway. I don't want to add to that hurt. Believe me, it is hard not to cry out loud.

Our communication is not at it's strongest these days. We do not talk much anymore. I wish things were better but I am just empty here lately. I feel like I can't even talk to him anymore and when I do try, we usually just end up arguing. I am not trying to throw anything away, my family means everything to me.

He does have a dr. appt. this week and I hope and pray he gets good news and some encouragement from him. I will go to the appt. with him. He knows I am here for him.

Thank You for your post
Helpful - 0
1066198 tn?1333309028
My dear, number one-- please stop lying to him! You know it's not "okay"-- and so does he!
Be open and honest with him about it-- but in a very tactful, caring way... Cry with him-- show him you NEED him-- not just sexually...but emotionally and intimately ( non-sexual).

and work on the communication-- that is the strongest foundation for any relationship... You have built a life together, have 2 children... don't throw it all away... Talk about things-- everything-- together, work on re connecting emotionally with your husband... you may find that alone can help improve alot of the issues...and the rest-- will fall into place as it goes....
whether by nature or by medical intervention and counseling-- or all of the above.

with healing prayers and energies-
PsyVamp
Helpful - 0
1251312 tn?1271359650
He has said many times in the past 3 or 4 weeks that he is afraid I am going to leave him. I assure him that I am not. But truly, I don't know if I can hold us together. I am running on empty. I am just so tired. You are right, he has even said that he don't blame me if I leave. He has also told me that he is no good for me anymore. Then again, I just try to reassure him that we are going to be okay and I just cry on the inside. To tell the honest truth though I have thought very seriously in the past month about leaving and the only things that make me stay are 1) my kids  2) I don't want him to be alone.

I try to numb myself to the pain the best way I can. I am very depressed about our situation. It does not only involve him and me but our two children as well. I don't want anyone to be hurt by my actions. I guess I am just gonna keep on trying for a while and see what happens. Thank you for your comment.
Helpful - 0
1251312 tn?1271359650
I do not get angry at him when he 'fails'. He is the one that gets angry. I tell him every time that it's okay. The last time we tried I told him that I thought he was putting to much thought into the whole thing and not even enjoying it at all. I told him that I thought he was more worried about c****** to soon and that was the whole reason he was doing it. I do not get angry but I do feel let down but I try my best not to let it show. I am sure he is unhappy with himself.

I thought about what you said about the kiss when he comes home from work and to tell you the truth I really wanted to but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I did tell him that I loved him though. He had a bad day at work and I was trying to help his feelings about that and he blew up at me and said I didn't understand because I had only worked at the same place for 9 years and he has been at the same place for nearly 20 years. He was very ugly about it. So, he has gone to bed now and I am up and alone as usual.

I have ask him in the past about talking to a counselor and he refused then so I have not mentioned it again. I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle and it breaks my heart so. Like I said I love him but I don't at the same time. I have put up this wall I guess so that I can't be hurt anymore. I feel sorry for him and for me at the same time.

Thanks for your input very much.
Helpful - 0
176495 tn?1301280412
I can't say my wife and i are in the same position...but close to it..married 11 years (second marriage for each) and we haven't had sex in..well at least 2 years...she has had health issues, I've had depression issues and recently lost a son..and things got just plain boring..we are slowly working through them..much as Vance has suggested..there have been times my wife would have been justified in tossing me out...but she has stood by me and i'd be  lost without her...try as Vance suggested but also Teko has some wise advisce as well...don't rush things..try going for walks together..just holding hands..try approaching the subject in some location other than the bedroom..do something different...a couple of weeks ago at 2AM on a Saturday morning my wife said "let's go to Denny's..I'm hungry"  and off we went..didn't get back to bed til 5AM but those couple of hours did more for our marriage than hours of counseling...

plan a trip somewhere..even overnight..things won't get better immediately and sex may not come  for a while...but start somewhere....

Good luck and God Bless to you both..

Jim
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I dont know who to feel sorrier for, you or your husband. He has got to be feeling like he is half a man and deep down I am sure he feels like he does not deserve you and has probably resigned himself to the very fact that you will find someone else. I doubt you would get any fight from him. You have come thru a lot together. I am sure help is out there, it is just a matter of finding it. Sex is sex but when you stop giving each other the affection and the intimacy and stopping talking, your marriage is in real trouble. If I were you, I would suggest some couples therepy where you can get this out in the open and learn to talk about your feelings. Both of you. Find a good doctor and take it from there.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Not in this situation and have never been but from a guys point of view...I can only guess that ED is a very hard thing to deal with. he must be feeling like he is not a man. Because a man can satisfy his wife but he can't so he is not a man (I'm not saying he is not a man, I am just saying how he might be thinking). So in his mind he might be thinking that since he can't satisfy you, why are you going to stay with him?

I would suggest when you both get home today to walk up to him, give him a very passionate kiss, look deep into his eyes and just say, "I love you". Give him some confidence. The later on that night try to talk to him about how you feel like communication has broken down and you want to do everything and anything to get that communication back again (while talking to him make sure you are touching some part of his body..hand, arm, shoulder something to show affection towards him). Maybe suggest couples counceling.

I know if I had an ED problem I would be feeling like I described above and would need my wife to help restore my confidence and show that she wants to be here with me no matter what.
Helpful - 0
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