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Can someone help answer

Hi Everyone
Just need some advice here. I been with my now husband for 3-years in Feb. When we had met his now ex-wife they were seperated. She knew about me and she is the one who had left for someone else. Somehow for some reason he couldnt let go, they were seperated for a year and I said you either want the divorce or not, if so I need to know.. Finally he did push the issue but if I didnt push I dont think it would of happened, unsure what he was afriad of. Anyways they did remain friends which by all means I am not insecure, well I have been noticing they have been texting each other back and forth. Stupid stuff like he got hurt at work and she would ask how is your boo-boo? Now taht bothers me and he texted her yesterday asking how she is doing. I am bothered by it and I am ready to explode. I used to ask all the time why do you bother keeping in contact whats the reason? They had no kids nothing just basic split and SHE left him for someone else. After she had left and he moved on her NEW man dumped her and went back with his wife. How do I bring it up without saying I went through his phone, he dont hide it as I pay the bill I am sure he loves me and he shows it but I am sure he wouldnt appreciate me texting my ex like that.. Why is he so concerned with her when I am his wife now.. I figured I would post and see what you all think. I want to approach him about it and I am sure its like old news to him, he says he keeps in touch with HER niece and nephew not related to him.. Anyone go through this?
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404138 tn?1308941656
If he cant open his mouth about it then that's a problem. Either its a communication problem on his part or he's hiding his feelings about her. Thats what it sounds like to me. I would confront him again, really sit him down and lay down the deal. Let him know it's a problem. He can still be in contact with the "niece and nephew" without directly texting her cant he. A divorce is final and dont get me wrong there are plenty of divorced couples who are better off as friends as long as YOU are included in that friendship along with them, and you all are in communication and get together, not just him and her texting secretly. & if it cant be that way I would leave.

I wish you the best
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Avatar universal
Anything that is a subject that is kept hush hush is something that doesn't get completely addressed. While there is no sense re-hashing the same issues over and over again, the underlying issue is one of trust. If you can't trust him and/or he feels you don't trust him or if he doesn't trust you and feels you will check up on him, it will tear away at the relationship. It is good if he knows you feel uncomfortable with the texting but if he doesn't stop then that also tells you that he is still not prioritizing his relationship with you. Even if it is an innocent thing, it is still allowing someone else to get in between the both of you. Good luck with it all.
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Avatar universal
Thanks so much for the advice. Actually I did finally open my mouth and say I wasnt going through his phone but it was perfect as I played it off as my text wasnt working so I texted his phone and had them both and he asked if it went through which it did and nothing was wrong with my phone just my way of asking without feeling snooping. I asked why would he ask her if she is Ok, he just said she is stressed out as her mom is dying and blah blah blah.. Which I said that isnt your problem wasnt that her choice to leave and doesnt she have friends who she can talk to, why are you so concerned with her? He just ignored it and said every-time he texts her he tells me, I just said calm I didnt know about these and I said I am sure if I started texting my ex asking how he was doing all day, I am sure he nor  his GF would appreciate it and left it at that.. I felt better talking but again he didnt answer me.. Its always been a hush subject as there is something he cant admit which I said plenty of times before what is it.. Again niece and nephew.. Whatever, sore subject and we fight each time not his problem is all I say..
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The reason he is keeping in touch with her is because he is not wanting to feel like he was rejected or a failure. By keeping the relationship alive, even through text, he feels better about himself. He also might be convincing himself that his ex is lonely or that he is being kind or protective because she is all alone now that she is not with the other guy (he would be telling himself these things to justify the contact). The niece and nephew thing don't really mean anything because if it were all about them, the texts would be few and far between and it would only be on that topic. That is just another way of trying to make you feel at ease with it all.

Right now, the ex is probably using him until someone better comes along again and he has such low self-esteem he is willing to play along with this. If he had a higher sense of self-worth, he would be telling her to get lost after she was the one that hurt him so much by leaving him. He also does not seem to be able to let the relationship fully go. Divorce is final. While some people remain on friendly terms, that is different from remaining friends, especially when there are no children involved.

For the sake of your relationship, he needs to fully and completely break ties with her. Even for himself, he needs to do that. He is living in the past, trying to make himself feel better, rather than living in the present and being concerned with how you make YOU feel better.

I would talk to him. He might tell you that you are the insecure one or that you have nothing to worry about but honestly if it something that comes between you in a relationship, then it needs to be addressed.
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Avatar universal
I do agree and your right why even bother talking to him at all. I have said that plenty of times before why bother talking to her what is the point. Regardless if they want to remain friends, I know if my husband left me for someone else and he was dumped and tried being my friend, I wouldnt even want to be his friend.. Thats just me. I dont hold grudges but that was a choice SHE made to leave ya know.. I agree and said to him before even one of his closets friends its like whats the point of keeping in contact.. And the share nothing no kids, no house no car. Nothing it was a clean cut adn dry divorce and was mutual (Or at least so I say)
Helpful - 0
404138 tn?1308941656
I would be PO'd too and I mean I would ask him how important he feels their friendship is compared to your own relationship with him, does he really need to have her as a friend. She is an EX I mean its funny how she left him for another man and then she gets dumped and starts talking to him.......why would he want anything to do with her, he's obviously not over her....if he is...then he can show you by ending all communication with her.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'd be PO'D!!  My fiance' does share children with 2 of his ex's, 2 kids with his ex wife, and one with an ex girlfriend, and I am very happy he has great relationship with his ex wife for their kids... but if he had NO KIDS with her, then the friendship would be non-existant.  Just like any other ex's that he did not share kids with.  I had to tell off one of his ex girlfriends who wouldn't go away, and she deliberately continued to send him sexual text messages.  

I would be ready to explode myself if they were "friendly" without any kids involved.
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Avatar universal
That I do understand you have kids so I would home that respect is given and friends. Thats the thing they dont have any kids nothing together that was her choice, not his to leave. I am very good friend as well with my ex but we dont talk maybe once a month and its brief, but that is as far as it goes. I am sure his girlfriend would like me to do that and text him all day its respect and not fair.. I guess I will just have to ask him once again why does he continue to communciate with her, to me as my opinion its not fair to me at all. Thanks for  the feedback
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have been with my new husband for nearly 8 yrs now and have remained friends with my ex husband the whole time. We do share 2 daughters together but we are very good friends. We didnt get along at all when we were married, we were both young and selfish but have grown up and are friends, Now friends is all we are. My new husband is very good friends with him as well. It maybe weird but it works for us and our children are doing very well.
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Well my fiance is still in contact with his ex because they have a son together, him and his daughter's mother don't get along so he doesn't talk to her at all.  I'm not bothered at his relationship with his son's mother only because it is strictly about their son when they talk and she and I have been friends for awhile.  But in your situation they do not share any children. I don't know why they need to continue the friendship, perhaps they are good friends but never made it as a couple.  However, it would bother me as well.  I think if he loves you then he will respect your feelings when it comes to cutting off communication with her.  Did you ask him how he would feel if you were texting your ex?
Helpful - 0
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