Aa
Can't believe it
I can't believe I'm posting this. I thought my life was good. But I'm so hurt and broken . I think if he he had cheated it would be easier! 15 yrs married . I'm pregnant w/ our second birth child. We have 3 adopted. They were my sister kids but drugs caused her to lose custody and we were blessed to raise them. My husband has taken them in like his own and loves them like his own.
Here's what just happen. The kids have lice probably from the pool idk. **** happens so I had to take everything and wash them blankets towels pillows etc. I took everything to laundry mat cuz it would b to long doing it at home. My poor son and his friend had to do the lifting and everything cuz I'm suppose to b on strict bed rest. Risk of miscarriage is high as I have a scb. I asked him to help my soon get all the blankets from the car as I can't do it. I asked him to wash the kids hair so I could comb and clean then. When we went to bed I had to make the bed but forgot his pillow in the living room. As we lay down I offer mine. He said this to me:
If you can't complete the task then u should just get out . If u cans handle being pregnant u should have never opened ur legs . If u can't handle being a pregnant mom then just get out. I'm so hurt . I'm honestly suppose to be on strict bed rest dr said the hematoma was bigger and that I should only get up to eat and go potty. But I watch the kids feed them bathe them and ( ages 2.5, 6,7,12). I know we didn't plan this baby but we both never thought we would ever get pregnant naturally. After my dd was born we tried for 2 yrs to conceive again and were referred to IVF dr. We could not afford so decided to count our blessing. The next yr the 3 kids came unexpectedly but there were here. I never asked him to let me take the kids . When the bb was born I told him she was going to foster care never expecting him to say lets take her. I didn't want to ask him or put our relationship at risk for resentment so I never asked him if we could raise her. He offered . When I told him the found her a family and were placing her he said why do we just get her. I started crying and said I didn't want to ask him and explained my fears to him. He was over joyed to being her home. The 12 yr old was already really close to him so that child was a no brainer but then the 7 yr when my mom went for custody the stupid absent father contested but want us to take her. I again looked at him to make the final decision knowing we had already went from a fam o 3 to 5 within days and then going to 6 withing a few more days. I couldn't put the burden on him but yet again he stepped up and volunteered to keep her as he didn't want to separate them . He yells at me if i do thinks and says if I lose this baby he will. B really upset w/ me yet refuses to help around the house. He's a functioning Alcoholic . Never misses work and always figuring out was to make money on side jobs . I'm on disability right now because or prengna ch but when not pregnant i work full time and get paid extremely well. Together we have enough . But I know one day soon I will b a single mother raising these kids. He had no life insurance and is uninsurable . His health is extremely poor and his drinking is getting worse. I think I'm done. Time to start apartment shopping . WE ruined my credit but fixed his . The house is in his name and i Can't afford the morgage so I'll let him keep it and figure it out himself. The kids have been through so much . I hope they can handle this. What to do what to !! Scared and hurt
Here's what just happen. The kids have lice probably from the pool idk. **** happens so I had to take everything and wash them blankets towels pillows etc. I took everything to laundry mat cuz it would b to long doing it at home. My poor son and his friend had to do the lifting and everything cuz I'm suppose to b on strict bed rest. Risk of miscarriage is high as I have a scb. I asked him to help my soon get all the blankets from the car as I can't do it. I asked him to wash the kids hair so I could comb and clean then. When we went to bed I had to make the bed but forgot his pillow in the living room. As we lay down I offer mine. He said this to me:
If you can't complete the task then u should just get out . If u cans handle being pregnant u should have never opened ur legs . If u can't handle being a pregnant mom then just get out. I'm so hurt . I'm honestly suppose to be on strict bed rest dr said the hematoma was bigger and that I should only get up to eat and go potty. But I watch the kids feed them bathe them and ( ages 2.5, 6,7,12). I know we didn't plan this baby but we both never thought we would ever get pregnant naturally. After my dd was born we tried for 2 yrs to conceive again and were referred to IVF dr. We could not afford so decided to count our blessing. The next yr the 3 kids came unexpectedly but there were here. I never asked him to let me take the kids . When the bb was born I told him she was going to foster care never expecting him to say lets take her. I didn't want to ask him or put our relationship at risk for resentment so I never asked him if we could raise her. He offered . When I told him the found her a family and were placing her he said why do we just get her. I started crying and said I didn't want to ask him and explained my fears to him. He was over joyed to being her home. The 12 yr old was already really close to him so that child was a no brainer but then the 7 yr when my mom went for custody the stupid absent father contested but want us to take her. I again looked at him to make the final decision knowing we had already went from a fam o 3 to 5 within days and then going to 6 withing a few more days. I couldn't put the burden on him but yet again he stepped up and volunteered to keep her as he didn't want to separate them . He yells at me if i do thinks and says if I lose this baby he will. B really upset w/ me yet refuses to help around the house. He's a functioning Alcoholic . Never misses work and always figuring out was to make money on side jobs . I'm on disability right now because or prengna ch but when not pregnant i work full time and get paid extremely well. Together we have enough . But I know one day soon I will b a single mother raising these kids. He had no life insurance and is uninsurable . His health is extremely poor and his drinking is getting worse. I think I'm done. Time to start apartment shopping . WE ruined my credit but fixed his . The house is in his name and i Can't afford the morgage so I'll let him keep it and figure it out himself. The kids have been through so much . I hope they can handle this. What to do what to !! Scared and hurt
Hi, I have to totally agree with Nursegirl. I too came from a family of drinkers and I started to drink at a very young age. It only led me to drugs as well. We think it is the "thing to do". I sure wish he would get to the Dr for a taper and then hit some AA. He will learn alot from there and be able to share his secrets and emotions on why he does this..Sometimes it just becomes a Brain Disease were we get really hooked and out of control. Meaning it affects the Mid-brain, Pleasure part of the brain and it involves a pleasure surge that we keep wanting to do over and over for relief of some kind of issue.
I would Highly Recommend he gets help and please try to keep him away from addicting Drugs as well. This could just start a whole other issue. BUT I am no Dr so what ever the DR wants him to do is the right way to go..
I wish You and Your Big Family the best..
Bless
I would Highly Recommend he gets help and please try to keep him away from addicting Drugs as well. This could just start a whole other issue. BUT I am no Dr so what ever the DR wants him to do is the right way to go..
I wish You and Your Big Family the best..
Bless
Well, that's wonderful that he's willing to seek help.
Just a few observations. You seem to be kind of excusing his drinking, or making excuses for it. Most alcoholics have deep seeded reasons for their drinking, whether they are self medicating away some kind of emotional pain, or if they cannot cope with stress....any which way, it is what it is, and it certainly isn't okay. I know you know that, I just don't know if you realize that you are feeding into those excuses.
I don't question at all that your hubby is a good guy and a good dad, again, that isn't the point. He sounds like a great guy, but a sick one. You're stated emphatically that you would never let your children hurt for anything, but sweetie, that's exactly what you've been doing. You've allowed this to go on while you and the kids are exposed to it. I know you don't mean to do that, you've just kind of been "stuck". It's certainly not easy, especially with all of your children.
It's good that the kids are in counseling, but this statement is concerning to me:
I think if they were being affected by him the therapist would see it.
That's not true at all, and often times, the damage done doesn't present itself until much later. Just PLEASE don't kid yourself into thinking that your husband's alcoholism hasn't impacted them, because you better believe it has.
I totally understand you're in a difficult position, but please don't minimize just how big of a deal this is. You sound very much like you've been stuck in the habit of enabling and being codependent, which is all too common in situation like these.
It's JUST as important that YOU seek help as well, in addition, and separately from your husband. Alanon is a wonderful organization that would get so much out of. You would learn about alcoholism and how it affects the loved ones. Plus, you would get support from people who know what you're going through. Private therapy sounds like a great idea too!
You have to let your husband take the reigns in his own recovery. All you can do is support him. He needs to have a medical doctor involved. Abrupt cessation of alcohol can be VERY dangerous. The best way to detox from alcohol is under close medical supervision. Just remember that YOU cannot make him get well just by loving him alone. Ah, if it were that easy huh? I would recommend you also checking out our alcohol related forums. There are some great people in those forums that will really help you and give you some added support during this.
I wish you both the very best and will pray that he gets into an intensive recovery plan, and that you seek the necessary help for you as well, and then you can all heal as a family. Take care!
Just a few observations. You seem to be kind of excusing his drinking, or making excuses for it. Most alcoholics have deep seeded reasons for their drinking, whether they are self medicating away some kind of emotional pain, or if they cannot cope with stress....any which way, it is what it is, and it certainly isn't okay. I know you know that, I just don't know if you realize that you are feeding into those excuses.
I don't question at all that your hubby is a good guy and a good dad, again, that isn't the point. He sounds like a great guy, but a sick one. You're stated emphatically that you would never let your children hurt for anything, but sweetie, that's exactly what you've been doing. You've allowed this to go on while you and the kids are exposed to it. I know you don't mean to do that, you've just kind of been "stuck". It's certainly not easy, especially with all of your children.
It's good that the kids are in counseling, but this statement is concerning to me:
I think if they were being affected by him the therapist would see it.
That's not true at all, and often times, the damage done doesn't present itself until much later. Just PLEASE don't kid yourself into thinking that your husband's alcoholism hasn't impacted them, because you better believe it has.
I totally understand you're in a difficult position, but please don't minimize just how big of a deal this is. You sound very much like you've been stuck in the habit of enabling and being codependent, which is all too common in situation like these.
It's JUST as important that YOU seek help as well, in addition, and separately from your husband. Alanon is a wonderful organization that would get so much out of. You would learn about alcoholism and how it affects the loved ones. Plus, you would get support from people who know what you're going through. Private therapy sounds like a great idea too!
You have to let your husband take the reigns in his own recovery. All you can do is support him. He needs to have a medical doctor involved. Abrupt cessation of alcohol can be VERY dangerous. The best way to detox from alcohol is under close medical supervision. Just remember that YOU cannot make him get well just by loving him alone. Ah, if it were that easy huh? I would recommend you also checking out our alcohol related forums. There are some great people in those forums that will really help you and give you some added support during this.
I wish you both the very best and will pray that he gets into an intensive recovery plan, and that you seek the necessary help for you as well, and then you can all heal as a family. Take care!
Today he had a melt down and said he was sorry. We cried for what seems like hours and he's decided to seek help. I know His drinking is bad but he's a good guy. He has health issues and uses drinking to help with his apnea and other issues. I've made an appt for counseling and a dr for the apnea. Some of u think I should leave I think I should to protect us from disappointment. But I'm commited to this marriage and think everyone deserves a chance. Trust me I'm no timid girl I'm strong and capable. I'd never let my children hurt for anything especially a man. But he is good to them. They are in counseling and have been for several years . I think if they were being affected by him the therapist would see it. As for the adoption workers we went through 2 yrs of them badgering us and showing up unexpectedly. It's only in this last 1 yr that he has gotten progressively worse. I think he's scared and doesn't feel good so he drowns his sorrows and pain in booze. He a typical man and won't go dr until its a last resort . I think he saw the determination in me eyes and figures he better shape up or ship out. I'm know we have a long road a head of us and are going to fall several more times but we have the same goals for our kids. Family, education and success . I hope the learn that while things get tough the tough have to keep pushing forward and never give up BUT NEVER SETTLE. Pray that his health improves and his drinking decreases .
Just have a sit down talk with him and tell him you love him and appreciate all he has done in supporting your sisters children and always remember that in any relationship if its not one thing its another.
If it's not one thing it's another? I would agree if we were talking about burning dinner, or leaving socks on the floor. We're talking about alcoholism here.
IMO, this isn't about his outburst. If it was just that, it would be a different story. There are children (many of them) in an unhealthy situation, which is especially tragic considering they CAME from another environment of having to witness substance abuse.
The kids are 12,7,6, 2.5...all very impressionable ages. There already has probably been some damage done, where after moving in with the OP and her DH, it was reinforced that this kind of environment was normal and acceptable. That's really a shame.
I'm sorry, but I think this is a no-brainer. The kids need out of that situation, and it isn't up to the OP to fix her husband. He has to do that for himself.
If it's not one thing it's another? I would agree if we were talking about burning dinner, or leaving socks on the floor. We're talking about alcoholism here.
IMO, this isn't about his outburst. If it was just that, it would be a different story. There are children (many of them) in an unhealthy situation, which is especially tragic considering they CAME from another environment of having to witness substance abuse.
The kids are 12,7,6, 2.5...all very impressionable ages. There already has probably been some damage done, where after moving in with the OP and her DH, it was reinforced that this kind of environment was normal and acceptable. That's really a shame.
I'm sorry, but I think this is a no-brainer. The kids need out of that situation, and it isn't up to the OP to fix her husband. He has to do that for himself.
Hi also. Sorry what you going through. Just take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. Posting here will help as you now have someone to talk with and share your concerns.
People have limits to the amount of stress they can handle. This goes for anyone and in any situation. It is made more stressful when there is an substance abuse issue. From what you wrote there are many personalities living under one roof and to take care of even one person takes away from the providers needs so with this many it can be very draining. People need a break once in a while to gather themselves and regroup energy but with your situation its just never ending stress.
You and your husband both seem like really great and loving people to go out of your way to provide so much love and care.
I would not take what he said to you as bad enough to leave him for but see him as just really blowing off steam. It was not right and not justifiable but sometime people strike out just to get some of the built up pressure out. Its like the story about the messenger bringing bad news to the king and gets the blunt of his anger. Hes not upset with you but more with himself that he cannot make your life easier than it is and maybe feels supporting your sisters children was a mistake and is blaming you unconsciously .
Just have a sit down talk with him and tell him you love him and appreciate all he has done in supporting your sisters children and always remember that in any relationship if its not one thing its another.
People have limits to the amount of stress they can handle. This goes for anyone and in any situation. It is made more stressful when there is an substance abuse issue. From what you wrote there are many personalities living under one roof and to take care of even one person takes away from the providers needs so with this many it can be very draining. People need a break once in a while to gather themselves and regroup energy but with your situation its just never ending stress.
You and your husband both seem like really great and loving people to go out of your way to provide so much love and care.
I would not take what he said to you as bad enough to leave him for but see him as just really blowing off steam. It was not right and not justifiable but sometime people strike out just to get some of the built up pressure out. Its like the story about the messenger bringing bad news to the king and gets the blunt of his anger. Hes not upset with you but more with himself that he cannot make your life easier than it is and maybe feels supporting your sisters children was a mistake and is blaming you unconsciously .
Just have a sit down talk with him and tell him you love him and appreciate all he has done in supporting your sisters children and always remember that in any relationship if its not one thing its another.
COMMUNITY LEADER
HOnestly, to me--- if your husband is an alcoholic and the kids are aware--- this is a problem. This kind of sets up a common scenario that they as adults will tie themselves to an alcoholic partner or be drinkers themselves. This is the type of family pattern that repeats.
it is one thing for someone to overindulge from time to time but quite another to remain drunk often and lay on the couch so that this is the norm.
That is an unhealthy home for the children to be in.
I'd wait out your pregnancy but the think you have to make some changes for the sake of these kids. That includes a home with healthy parents. I am sorry as I know it is hard. good luck
it is one thing for someone to overindulge from time to time but quite another to remain drunk often and lay on the couch so that this is the norm.
That is an unhealthy home for the children to be in.
I'd wait out your pregnancy but the think you have to make some changes for the sake of these kids. That includes a home with healthy parents. I am sorry as I know it is hard. good luck
Oh my, what a shame. Definitely a tough situation. Just a random question, if your doc is requiring such strict bedrest, why wouldn't you be in the hospital? How far along are you? That would make more sense to me as it's hard to be in a house with your large family and not be tempted to help (and in turn do too much). I would think your doc would recognize that.
Anyway. Lots of people decide to stick it out until the kids are older, but the problem with that in your situation is that the kids are being exposed to his drinking. On some level, they will think that's the "norm" and may place them at risk to abuse drugs or alcohol, especially your sister's kids who grew up around drug abuse.
I think for the KIDS' sake, which is the most important thing, leaving is probably for the best, but I agree with SM that now isn't the time, not with the high risk pregnancy and having to plan and maybe save some money. I would tell him what your plans are. I would keep it simple and just say that you're no longer willing to watch him drink himself to death and subject the kids to that. Tell him you would only support him in recovery, not in his addiction. Then start planning the next step. I wouldn't wait forever, but until you have the baby, and heal from that a little.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too agree with sm that it's sad that the system allows for kids to be placed from one addiction situation to another. Doesn't matter that he's "functional", he's still an alcoholic. The only thing that means is that he's good at fooling people. I wonder how the agency missed that when they did the home study and stuff for the adoption? I'm glad the kids are with you, but to be honest, it doesn't give me a lot of faith in our system.
Take care of yourself dear...very best to you.
Anyway. Lots of people decide to stick it out until the kids are older, but the problem with that in your situation is that the kids are being exposed to his drinking. On some level, they will think that's the "norm" and may place them at risk to abuse drugs or alcohol, especially your sister's kids who grew up around drug abuse.
I think for the KIDS' sake, which is the most important thing, leaving is probably for the best, but I agree with SM that now isn't the time, not with the high risk pregnancy and having to plan and maybe save some money. I would tell him what your plans are. I would keep it simple and just say that you're no longer willing to watch him drink himself to death and subject the kids to that. Tell him you would only support him in recovery, not in his addiction. Then start planning the next step. I wouldn't wait forever, but until you have the baby, and heal from that a little.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too agree with sm that it's sad that the system allows for kids to be placed from one addiction situation to another. Doesn't matter that he's "functional", he's still an alcoholic. The only thing that means is that he's good at fooling people. I wonder how the agency missed that when they did the home study and stuff for the adoption? I'm glad the kids are with you, but to be honest, it doesn't give me a lot of faith in our system.
Take care of yourself dear...very best to you.
He's not dangerous . He's a good person minus the drinking. Everyone who meets him loves him . We have learned to stay clear of him when he drunk. Good thing he comes home and ploops his *** on the couch and doesn't get up so its not hard to stay clear of him. I'm always the DD . If we do family things we gotta get him out of the house early so he doesn't drink but on the way home we always stop at the liquor store. Like I said he's a functioning alcoholic u wouldn't know he was drinking when u talking to him he's not the kind the is slurring his words falling over and acting crazy. He acts normal even after he just polished off 4 tall cans and a few shots. He admits it but says its the only way to fall a sleep. My kids adore him. I know I'll b the bad guy but when there r old enough to put things together I'm pretty sure they will understand. I've decided to start saving $ and leave ASAP which will probably be Feb after baby and tax return time. I think this is just a long time building while he hurts me w/ his drinking . The words cut deeper. I know I should put on a happy face and deal w it but I'm tired and sad . I can't stay in a marriage of convenience . $$ money will be extremely tight but I see women do it so I hope I can to. This is horrible but I gotta get myself together . But also as i sit here and plan my exit reality sets in and I think who am I kidding . I've learned to live in a one sided relationship for this long maybe I should just stay till the kids r a little older and start putting $ away he doesn't abuse them he doesn't hurt them . Am I being selfish?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ugh. Well, this is a lot. I was going to say perhaps he was just having a rotten day and shot his mouth off in a cruel manner and to see how things go tomorrow and let him apologize. sometimes when people are tired and stressed, they say awful things. Not right but it happens.
However, ugh. He's an alcoholic. Interesting to me that kids are taken out of a home due to drug abuse and into another where an alcoholic lives. I'm glad they have you!! But it is sad that the man in the house is sick.
You've got a tremendous amount on your plate right now. 12,7,6, 2.5 and a newborn is a hand full. And working full time after the baby! I'm tired just thinking about it!
but you are right, I'm not sure how you can hold things together at home with someone that values drinking more than anything else and isn't much of a partner.
I would maybe hold out during the pregnancy to be honest. He's not dangerous to you and the kids at this point (he doesn't drive them anywhere drunk, does he?)--- you are on bed rest. Unless you can move in with your mom or something to help, I don't know how you'd do it right now alone. Between bills and not being able to do that much.
Sounds very hard.
However, ugh. He's an alcoholic. Interesting to me that kids are taken out of a home due to drug abuse and into another where an alcoholic lives. I'm glad they have you!! But it is sad that the man in the house is sick.
You've got a tremendous amount on your plate right now. 12,7,6, 2.5 and a newborn is a hand full. And working full time after the baby! I'm tired just thinking about it!
but you are right, I'm not sure how you can hold things together at home with someone that values drinking more than anything else and isn't much of a partner.
I would maybe hold out during the pregnancy to be honest. He's not dangerous to you and the kids at this point (he doesn't drive them anywhere drunk, does he?)--- you are on bed rest. Unless you can move in with your mom or something to help, I don't know how you'd do it right now alone. Between bills and not being able to do that much.
Sounds very hard.
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