Can't get over my ex husband.

[coachgal]

It's been three years since my divorce and I can't get over my Ex. We had been together for 17 years,and even after we left each other we continued to call each other, text,and still have sex. We would talk about getting back together, I wanted to, he did not.I moved back to where he lived, he called me we met and it was a disaster! He was very mean to me,we fought and I told him to  never contact me again(alcohol was involved).I have not heard from him in six weeks I feel worse then when we actually separated. Why can't I get over him? I am a mess!

[coachgal]

Thank you for that advice I think It's the best I have had since this whole mess started!

[specialmom]

Hi coachgal, welcome to our forum.  
Well, that period of time in which you broke up and called, text ed, and had sex kept you two together.  Your heart and head were still in it and you felt like his may have been as well.  So NOW it feels more like a real break up.  He is saying it is over for good and all the "on the side" stuff is over.  

I know that hurts but it is time to move on.  The limbo you were both in meant that you couldn't get on with your life.  You need to get out of limbo and start to rebuild things.  So what do you do now?  Well-------- get a journal and write out your feelings.  I've told people before to make a list of every single thing you do not care for in your ex.  Include anything and everything from he lies to he doesn't like tomatoes and you do (which messed up what you made for dinner!).  Write anything regarding him and the relationship that you are thinking about so that you can get it out.  You can also write lists of things you want to do during your optimistic moments.  You can write what kind of mate you really desire.
Cause you see, we play tricks on our self.  We kind of forget all those bad things about the guy/girl we've broken up with and only remember the good things.   Then they become this fictitious person we just want back.
Do you have any good girl friends you can talk to and hang out with?  If yes, call them and make some plans.  If no, time to try and make some.  Join a gym and do an exercise class (meet all kinds of people at gyms------ good socializing spot), join a church group, join a political group, a condo association where you live-------- whatever floats your boat.  But join in some things and be open to meeting some friends.  Your confidence is probably low due to the break up (often that is something that happens)----- but know that others will like you and give them a chance to know you.  
Start exercising.  It helps the mind, body and soul.  Call family.  Plant a garden------ just stay active and discover who you are without him.  You were together a pretty long time and this is your opportunity to rediscover you.

When you were drunk----- you made a good decision.  Those kinds of relationships that you were continuing with your ex are built out of convenience and rarely go anywhere.  Alcohol gave you the courage to do what your gut knew was right.  Now you are lonely and second guess that.  Don't.  

Sorry you are hurting and hope you find stregth and peace.  good luck

[coachgal]

I have not sought out any support, I'm a little leary of "support groups", but I really appreciate your advice.

[coachgal]

Thank you!

[ettebette]

Hi!  You were together for a long time with your ex, you have a history together, etc. so there is bound to be issues (and longings) where you and he are concerned.  That's normal, in my opinion.  Have you sought out any divorced or separated groups that might offer you some insight and support?  It's important to surround yourself with friends who care about you and are there when you need them.  Try, if you can, to involve yourself in activities that are of interest to you.  You will meet like-minded people, both men and women.  These activities are healthy, and you might find yourself starting to feel better.  Hang in there!  There IS light at the end of the tunnel.  Good luck.  Keep in touch.

Ellen