Can't get the trust back? Am I over reacting?

[DaniMoo]

So to cut a long story short.. I have been married to my husband for just over a year and we have been together for 5 years. At the start of our relationship, it quickly became apparent that when he was single he spent ALOT of time in strip clubs.

The was one evening when we were dating that he went to a strip club and had a private dance, at this point I explained to him I just don't like him going to strip clubs. It makes me feel awful about myself and I'm not comfortable with it. So, we hadn't been dating for long, he needed to make that choice. Stay in a relationship with me and give up the strip clubs or we just go our separate ways. He chose our relationship.

Fast forward 5 years and he is continuing to go to the strips clubs at least once a year (that I know about), he usually lies about it and then I find out! we have a big argument and yet again he agrees not to do it again.

And here we are, he's done it again!! And this time I feel like I'm done! Previously I have been in tears telling him how awful him needing to look at naked ladies makes me feel about myself and my own body!

This was about 2 months ago, and I just can't get over it this time. He is saying everything he said last time and the time before so I believe nothing!

We just keep arguing and I have no idea how to get past this..

he always swings it back round to me though telling me I never wanted this relationship, so this is the excuse I need to get out. Not true!!

And one of my favourites.... it's not like I heated on you!!!!!

I have no idea what to do, and how do I get over this?

So that turned out to be quite long!!

[Nighthawk61]

"This habit and probably compulsion, he had before you met. It's not about you, it's about his emotional maturity regarding women"

This is precisely the reality that you, and other women like you, are dealing with and making the problem about themselves feeling like they are not "enough" when it has zero to do with the women. Like women that are abused by men think its their fault, when the reality is that a man that abuses women, will abuse women regardless of who they are or how they conduct themselves in a relationship. That nothing will stand in the way of the compulsion of abusing a women. It's about what makes a person feel powerful. Most men who need to have this kind of power over women choose women that are likely to question themselves before looking deeply into the person needing to feel power over another. Anniebrook has hit the nail on the head asking you to look into your husband's motives behind his going to strip clubs.  

It is simply a habit that a percentage of men are not mature enough to give up when they have found their match. There is a good percentage of men that while they may have gone to strip clubs when single, would never go when they have found a real women to share their lives with. If your husband doesn't have the ability to just say no after promising himself and you that he would, he has a problem the same as a drug addict or alcoholic. He can't say no to having women passive to him and put in demeaning sexual circumstances. This is a deal breaker with me. In fact, it's the reason i left my first husband (his going to strip clubs after I made it a deal breaker) and i have never regretted leaving him for an instant. I never consciously thought that it had anything to do with me though. I never had the thought that i wasn't good enough, to me it was just a question of an almost misogynist mentality that I could not respect or get my head around. I remember once i attended a party when i was around 18, where there was a male stripper and i felt so bad for the guy i remember asking him if he could play the guitar for us instead of stripping.  It's no different for a man to think that it's beneath a women to have to remove her clothes in public and instead of making them feel powerful over a subordinate, feeling embarrassed for them.

Right now, you're living with a guy you can't trust not to lie to you and i'm really sorry for that. If this is a compulsion that he can't stop, maybe you could suggest he get some help from professionals.? The thing is, if he can lie about this, what else can he lie about? What if it was more than a lap dance that these unfortunate ladies are having to sell? Could you trust a person unable to control himself and his compulsions to say no to cheap tawdry sex.? Maybe this is just a case of the type of friends he has. Maybe he needs to hang out with men that are above attending even a yearly date at a strip club. Maybe the "boy's club" is more important to him than you? This might be a case of him just not wanting to stick out to his friends by saying "no" to going with them once a year or however often they want to go.? I personally would not be happy being married to a man like that. This could be simply a case of little real importance (other than the HUGE thing that if affects how you feel about yourself). or the tip of the iceberg.

I'd like to hear from a man's point of view here for your benefit.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm thinking that you taking it so personally is something he probably can't even fathom.  I can barely fathom it. Why do you think (even insist, and fight) that it's about you? This is a guy who habitually goes to gawk at naked women put on display for men to look at, not for conversation, not for emotional support, just to be there for the men's stimulation (without the man having to do anything about it, like be a good partner or listen to the woman's stories or care at all). This is not a challenging relationship with a real person, it's a fantasy where the man is in charge and the woman is passive.  This habit and probably compulsion, he had before you met. It's not about you, it's about his emotional maturity regarding women.

I don't get you being so distraught and taking it as a personal slap and going on about your body issues and so forth when you recriminate with him. That is far out of his wavelength. If you're a person with issues about your body, and you have chosen (of all the men around) a partner who compulsively looks at women for their bodies alone, I'd say you made a poor match for yourself, but along with that I would say that part of the poor match is your issues not his.  You knew what you were getting, and stuck with his fakey promise despite clear evidence. You say this makes you really unhappy. So please, if you break it off, do a period of time without any men and see a shrink. Or you will probably find a new guy who sees women in a limited way and triggers your insecurities and the whole thing might start again.

[specialmom]

I see rockrose's point.  And that is an interesting question to ponder.  

So, what kinds of conversations have you had with him about it?  When we just say "I don't like it"---  that's about us.  What about him?  Have you asked him what he gets out of it?  What motivates him to keep going back?  Is he going alone or is it a buddy thing?

while I don't necessarily condone it, I do agree that looking is not cheating.  While it is odd to me, I'd guess a rather large percentage of men have shown their face at a strip club.  

I'd be hurt too if I made something into it's me or that and they did that behind my back.  I get it.  But don't you wonder what drives this desire?  

How is the rest of your relationship?  

[RockRose]

I don't understand this behavior,  but I do see it on medhelp often.  A woman detests smoking marijuana and says "it's a deal breaker" but she chooses a guy who smokes marijuana daily and insists he quit.  A woman posts that she detests porn,  can't stand it,  she has a partner who when they first met watched porn daily and she said that's not acceptable to her,  he must stop.  So now he hides it and after years of putting up with it,  she's decided to leave.

Why are you doing this?  Not that many men visit strip clubs.  Certainly not that men visit strip clubs ALOT,  as your guy did.  

Do you have kids?