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Cheap Men
Me and my husband have been together 8 years this August. We have two kids, My son who is 3 and my Daughter who is 8 months. Me and my husband have always battled about money because he makes a lot more than I do and he's about to get ANOTHER raise. This past Mother's Day he didn't get me anything. Not a card, flowers, nothing! But for Father's Day I bought him a $500 yeti and as an early anniversary gift I bought him a $600 speaker for his BRAND NEW BOAT. Might I add he's been telling me for a year now how broke he is even after his raise but he can buy a brand new boat??? And this boat was NOT cheap. Anyways, so for my birthday which is in August too I figured he would spend the same on me since its for my birthday and anniversary and make up for Mother's Day. But he didn't. He bought me a $100 purse that is the ugliest thing in the world. I think I am more hurt at the fact that he bought me something I don't like at all. I even told him that if he couldn't afford to buy me anything that I wanted then I would be just fine with flowers and to help me paint the house. Now that he has bought the purse we can't go eat dinner for my birthday or anniversary because that would be spending too much money? Might I add, he won't take us out to eat or even go through and drive thru bec it's too much money but if it's just him he'll go out to the nicest steak house with his friends and buy all their meals??? When I bring it up to him all he says is I'm broke and to not spend money on him because he has to pick up the slack of my bills I pay (he had to pick up the slack one time and it was a $100 bill payment). I need help. His mom and dad even tell me how selfish and cheap he is and even his brother has told him to chill out and cut me some slack and he's 6 years younger than him! We are only 23 and 25 years old and If this isn't a good relationship then I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I need advice. Am I being over dramatic?
I'm sorry that you're feeling under appreciated.and are at the point of questioning whether this is even a relationship that should last.
You've said,...We are only 23 and 25 years old and If this isn't a good relationship then I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I need advice. Am I being over dramatic?
NO, I don't think that you are being overly dramatic at all. I would be VERY HURT if my husband did not recognize Mother's Day after you giving him two wonderful children. By not doing so, it might be an indication that he is not grateful that he has the children. That would worry me. Is he making a statement that may not have (really) wanted the kids, or that he regrets having the kids? Also, it is his JOB as a parent, to teach your kids to respect their mother, by making a BIG FUSS on Mother's Day so that they will learn how to treat people in their lives. So that little girls know how to be treated, and little boys know how to treat women. It should start while in womb. If what you're saying is that he did nothing on Mother's Day , and your kids did nothing, (daddy didn't help them make a card, and dinner, or bring the family out for dinner) this is REALLY CONCERNING.
Incidentally, the movie Mother's Day is a good one for you to watch.
The part about him footing the bill for him and his friends in a really nice steak house, but refusing to ever go through a drive through for you and the kids, paints a pretty nasty picture of the man you chose to have kids with, to say the least. It's a tradition in most families to bring the kids to the local MacDonalds, and let them play in the ball pit, or go for a slide, and to eat Happy Meals. It's also a valuable teaching point when the kids are old enough to tell them that a percentage of the money is given to Ronald MacDonald house where families of sick kids are able to live while they're in the hospital.
The thing that most worries me about your post, is that this man may not do the simple things that help you and support you as a mother, like making your life easier by bringing the family out for burgers and a play area; or helping to build memories with the family outside of what is most comfortable for him ie. family boating trips. It seems that he is not willing to compromise and do things that you want to do and that's just so not right !!!
I also think that you need to stop buying him expensive gifts for any reason. Rather, take those occasions to get out of the house to go to a movie and have a nice dinner, with the family. Show him how you expect to be treated on birthdays, Christmas or any holiday. If you don't know exactly what he wants, then get him something he needs, like socks or underwear. But don't go into debt for gifts for him.
If you wanted to go to the zoo on a family outing, would he go ?
If you wanted to go out to dinner, with the family would he go? NO
If you wanted to go out for your birthday, anniversary , or date night, would he go?
What does he want to do? (if not dining out)
Does he take you and the kids out to places like the zoo, ?
What was he like when you were dating? Has he changed?
Did you and he go out places, dining etc. when you were dating?
As for your finances, Do you both pay about the same percentage of your wages toward the cost of living? You mentioned he was able to buy a really nice boat. Unless you too are able to purchase a boat, it might be that your financial arrangement needs to be revisited.
This does not sound like a fair relationship. It sounds like you two have to work on some issues. Maybe going to a marriage counselor to get some issues worked out is a necessity for you to continue in the relationship even? This is what many women would expect if their husband's treated them in this way, and they felt they could not go on any longer without some form of help or respite.
Did you ask him for the bill to return the purse?
You've said,...We are only 23 and 25 years old and If this isn't a good relationship then I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I need advice. Am I being over dramatic?
NO, I don't think that you are being overly dramatic at all. I would be VERY HURT if my husband did not recognize Mother's Day after you giving him two wonderful children. By not doing so, it might be an indication that he is not grateful that he has the children. That would worry me. Is he making a statement that may not have (really) wanted the kids, or that he regrets having the kids? Also, it is his JOB as a parent, to teach your kids to respect their mother, by making a BIG FUSS on Mother's Day so that they will learn how to treat people in their lives. So that little girls know how to be treated, and little boys know how to treat women. It should start while in womb. If what you're saying is that he did nothing on Mother's Day , and your kids did nothing, (daddy didn't help them make a card, and dinner, or bring the family out for dinner) this is REALLY CONCERNING.
Incidentally, the movie Mother's Day is a good one for you to watch.
The part about him footing the bill for him and his friends in a really nice steak house, but refusing to ever go through a drive through for you and the kids, paints a pretty nasty picture of the man you chose to have kids with, to say the least. It's a tradition in most families to bring the kids to the local MacDonalds, and let them play in the ball pit, or go for a slide, and to eat Happy Meals. It's also a valuable teaching point when the kids are old enough to tell them that a percentage of the money is given to Ronald MacDonald house where families of sick kids are able to live while they're in the hospital.
The thing that most worries me about your post, is that this man may not do the simple things that help you and support you as a mother, like making your life easier by bringing the family out for burgers and a play area; or helping to build memories with the family outside of what is most comfortable for him ie. family boating trips. It seems that he is not willing to compromise and do things that you want to do and that's just so not right !!!
I also think that you need to stop buying him expensive gifts for any reason. Rather, take those occasions to get out of the house to go to a movie and have a nice dinner, with the family. Show him how you expect to be treated on birthdays, Christmas or any holiday. If you don't know exactly what he wants, then get him something he needs, like socks or underwear. But don't go into debt for gifts for him.
If you wanted to go to the zoo on a family outing, would he go ?
If you wanted to go out to dinner, with the family would he go? NO
If you wanted to go out for your birthday, anniversary , or date night, would he go?
What does he want to do? (if not dining out)
Does he take you and the kids out to places like the zoo, ?
What was he like when you were dating? Has he changed?
Did you and he go out places, dining etc. when you were dating?
As for your finances, Do you both pay about the same percentage of your wages toward the cost of living? You mentioned he was able to buy a really nice boat. Unless you too are able to purchase a boat, it might be that your financial arrangement needs to be revisited.
This does not sound like a fair relationship. It sounds like you two have to work on some issues. Maybe going to a marriage counselor to get some issues worked out is a necessity for you to continue in the relationship even? This is what many women would expect if their husband's treated them in this way, and they felt they could not go on any longer without some form of help or respite.
Did you ask him for the bill to return the purse?
Incidentally, the most concerning part of your post, is that you didn't mention one redeeming quality, one thing that he does right for you or the kids.
You should tell him this and possibly make some sort of agreement that you don't buy each other gifts. Or maybe set a spending limit for gifts and a guaranteed dinner date. What you shouldn't be doing it expecting him to match the value of the gifts you have given him. You're just making the act of gift giving unnecessarily stressful when there is the potential for the gifts to not be good enough.
And the part about you not liking the purse should be discussed with him. You should be expected to keep it if you don't like it, and he shouldn't expect you to keep it.
And the part about you not liking the purse should be discussed with him. You should be expected to keep it if you don't like it, and he shouldn't expect you to keep it.
Are you saying he keeps his own money, and you make and spend your own money? You two don't pool money?
I do know that some couples do that, but I really don't understand that. It just seems like roommates with benefits.
Since you've been together 8 years, this isn't a surprise to you that he spends all his money on himself and none on you and the kids.
I don't know where you go from here, except maybe to tell him mature married people pool their resources and come up with a budget together - they don't each pay their own way.
And in the meantime, I think I'd budget about 50 dollars or less for gifts for him in the future.
I do know that some couples do that, but I really don't understand that. It just seems like roommates with benefits.
Since you've been together 8 years, this isn't a surprise to you that he spends all his money on himself and none on you and the kids.
I don't know where you go from here, except maybe to tell him mature married people pool their resources and come up with a budget together - they don't each pay their own way.
And in the meantime, I think I'd budget about 50 dollars or less for gifts for him in the future.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, it sounds like you place a lot of value on gifts. It says a lot to you. There is a book called "the 5 Love Languages' in which it talks about different people and the categories of ways that they feel nurtured and loved. It sounds like gifts is a way you show and feel loved. To me, I'd never spend that much on a fathers day or birthday gift for someone and wouldn't really want that back. :>) Not my love language. Sounds like it isn't your husband's either. I'm sure he liked his gifts but it wasn't necessary for him to feel loved by you. He feels loved in some other way. Do you know what it is? Get the book and maybe read it and talk about it with him and find out what is HIS hot button and what is yours.
Anyway, I'm a great gift giver. Always have been. I don't have to spend a lot of money but typically know exactly how to please someone through a gift. My husband is not so skilled. So, I help the guy out. I cut out a picture of EXACTLY what I want. I find it and write out the sku number and where to get it, really clearly. LOL Not exactly romantic but I also accept that gift giving isn't my husband's thing. As I feel loved in other ways, this is not a big deal to me. Would you be satisfied if he spent 100 dollars on something you asked for?
It sounds to me that you feel unappreciated. And his level of gift giving is something that you've taken as a symbol of that. Talk to him about being unappreciated and about WHY gifts mean something to you.
good luck
Anyway, I'm a great gift giver. Always have been. I don't have to spend a lot of money but typically know exactly how to please someone through a gift. My husband is not so skilled. So, I help the guy out. I cut out a picture of EXACTLY what I want. I find it and write out the sku number and where to get it, really clearly. LOL Not exactly romantic but I also accept that gift giving isn't my husband's thing. As I feel loved in other ways, this is not a big deal to me. Would you be satisfied if he spent 100 dollars on something you asked for?
It sounds to me that you feel unappreciated. And his level of gift giving is something that you've taken as a symbol of that. Talk to him about being unappreciated and about WHY gifts mean something to you.
good luck
Dear Elizabeth,
It's a normal issues after having 6 or more years of marriage. So calm down and take it easy.
I think, You need to talk with your partner because every problem in the earth will be solved by talking . Love is a respect and trust, which both of you has lost up .
You just have to relax and wait for the suitable time to talk with him, and remember don't remain about past mistakes only talk about your love in past and remaind him your lovely moments of the life and show him how much you love him in present and show your care about him.
I think it will effect his mind and he will be started thinking about you which is the gain by him. See one should have to take a step and I think you are the one this time.
It's a normal issues after having 6 or more years of marriage. So calm down and take it easy.
I think, You need to talk with your partner because every problem in the earth will be solved by talking . Love is a respect and trust, which both of you has lost up .
You just have to relax and wait for the suitable time to talk with him, and remember don't remain about past mistakes only talk about your love in past and remaind him your lovely moments of the life and show him how much you love him in present and show your care about him.
I think it will effect his mind and he will be started thinking about you which is the gain by him. See one should have to take a step and I think you are the one this time.
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