Cheated On My Wife & The Guilt Is Destroying Me

I recently had protected sex with another woman in a complete moment of madness. I love my wife so much, she means everything to me and I don't know why on Earth I did it. I can't stop crying. I'm crying as I type this. I'm not eating, I don't know what to do. There's no chance of me seeing the woman I had sex with ever again but that's not the point. I really feel like I can't go on. I can't stop thinking of my beautiful wife and how she did nothing to deserve what I did. Can anyone offer any helpful advice?

[doctor_boswell]

I forgot to mention that my wife doesn't know.

[TTinKKerBBell]

No advice but I have an two observations:

#1
It takes more than a "MOMENT" to unzip Your pants, more than a "MOMENT" to "protect" YourSelf and more than a "MOMENT" to have sex!!

#2
If Your Wife finds out about this like You, She won't be able to "stop crying", She won't be "able to eat", She won't "know what to do".  She's going to feel the same things You're feeling (and more,much more) except She didn't have a choice in this matter - but You did!!

[doctor_boswell]

Thanks for pointing out what I already know.

[specialmom]

Ugh.  You screwed up man.  but I don't need to tell you that as you seem to be well aware.  I'd think about how you became weak enough to go for this temptation and look real hard in the mirror and make some changes.  Understanding how it got to that point helps you NEVER go there again.

I'll tell you, I have known this to happen in a relationship and it was seen as a 'wake up' call to the cheating party.  You see now what you could lose by your actions.  You realize you do not want to and are panicking.  

Is there any way that your wife could find out?  I'm always torn with this because while it is hurtful to not  know something ----  there is also some beauty in taking such a horrible secret to your grave.  If you spent the rest of your life being the most perfect husband to her, quietly making it up to her for a crime she doesn't know you commited----  it would be a gift that she doesn't have to suffer through the pain of your betrayel.  

You will feel like you want to tell her though because of your guilt.  But I can live with guilt eating you up inside.  The only thing that stops me from saying don't tell her is the risk that she will find out and be doubly hurt that you never came clean.  

So, I think you need to go ahead and tell her--------  saying that you WILL spend your life making this up to her, that you WILL do whatever she wants to mend things such as being an open book, going through counseling, holding her as she cries.  

It's going to be terrible as hurting someone we love is awful.  And I hope that she'll forgive you and you two can go on with a NEW relationship because the one you always had is now ruined a bit.  It will never be quite the same.  But that is alright if you take it to a new place, a better place.  good luck and peace
PS:  this is a personal thing but if my husband cheated on me in a one night stand type of thing and was horrified he did it and vowed in his soul he never would again and spent his nights and days being the best husband to me that he could be from then on . . . I would NOT want to know he cheated.  Not everyone will agree with me but that is how I feel about it.

[Londres70]

Ignorance may be bliss, but a guilty conscience can wreck havoc on your well-being.  Sounds like yours is already wrecking havoc.  

"she means everything to me and I don't know why on Earth I did it."  Well...it is also important that you figure out WHY you did this so that there ISN'T a repeat. If you are not sure, I would be seeking therapy to sort out why you did this if you aren't sure.  I would say there has to be something underlying going on in your marriage or some need that is not being fulfilled in your marriage for you to do something of this nature.  It is VERY important you figure this out.  

I think you need to be open and honest about this with your wife.  Yes, this will definitely hurt her, but it needs to be done in my opinion.  

[deadmemory]

She has the right to know!

[specialmom]

I know.  There are always differences of opinion on to tell or not.  I am always torn.  Most say to tell and I agree but I always think I'd rather not know if it were me.  As long as I would NEVER know.  But then again, it hurts not to know.  On and on I go.  It's a hard scenario.  I've been cheated on----  not my husband but in a long term relationship.  I hated it that HE felt better when I knew and I felt like total dog poop.  

Anyway, good opinions here and am glad we all share how we feel!

[RockRose]

I'm in the camp that you shouldn't tell.  If this was truly a one time thing,  and it was protected,  suck it up and move on,  guy.  There is NOTHING good that could come out of you telling her - and I don't believe all truths need to be spoken.  Many truths  have no business being aired.  This is one of them.

Don't do it again,  and don't ruin her life by unburdening your guilt onto her.

Personally,  I don't know how men keep from cheating.  I believe that men are built to be polygamous,  and women are built to be monogamous,  although frankly I'M not willing to live with a man who has many lovers.  But I do believe that men are designed to have many women and hats off to the men who get through life being faithful.  It's not in their nature,  it's a discipline they are able to force themselves to adhere to.  And those who achieve faithfulness are to be admired - those who have one slip up, in my opinion,  are to be forgiven.

[TTinKKerBBell]

The "biggest" sex organ is in the brain.  Erections are born from thought.  Man does not HAVE to be unfaithful - he WANTS/DECIDES or CHOOSES to be unfaithful.  Actions are created from thought - if he turns out to regret it later - well, that comes from the brain too.  SO - make up Your mind which You want - You can't have it both ways.

[RainLover71]

Guilty feelings can be ugly and you will continue to feel this way until you come clean I believe,we are all human and all make mistakes,there have millions of men and woman who have cheated over the ages,some felt guilty about it like you have and other didn't really give a rats a_s.I think sometimes temptation is a curse and I would have to say that men get more tempted to cheat then women do,it's a fact.Look,you can't turn back the clock,what's done is done and thank your lucky stars you used protection or this could have been really ugly.It's your call if you tell her or not but I will say this,if you don't it will eat away at you and you will find it really hard to move on.All the best.

[harlie09]

I wouldn't want to know.
If there was no way for me to ever find out and it was a one time thing, I personally wouldn't want to have to months and months of my life ruined. Hurting, trying to figure out if I should stay and work through it or leave, loosing trust, feeling bad about myself, look like an idiot infront of my friends. I would prefer the guy just live with the guilt and show me everyday how much he loves me....
UNLESS
If she suspects already that you cheated, if she has a gut feeling, has asked you... whatever, I would tell her. There is nothing worse, for me anyway, then having your instincts tell you something isn't right and going crazy trying to figure it out.
I've been cheated on twice, once I found out during the relationship and once I found out months after the relationship ended. If it was a one time thing, I would never want to find out. Ignorance is bliss with this one, in my opinion.

[shell921]

You know, I look at it as a lifelong process. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Nothing wrong with that as long as we go back to doing what we know is best. And you have. And you feel remorse. Good - you should. That is your punishment. Now do not tell your wife-!

[Londres70]

Guilt provokes VERY strong emotions/feelings and from the sounds of it I don't think you will be able to put this into a "little box" and store it away and live "happily ever after.  

Another issue that is concerning is that you don't know WHY you did it.  

Personally, I don't believe ALL men are that weak that they allow their "manhood" to dictate being decent and faithful and that "slip-ups" should be excused because they are more apt to "stray." I would be more apt to believe there is something underlying going on with the marriage.  I do believe in honesty and my husband being forthright with me regardless whether it will make or break us.  Hiding things from your partner.......hmmm...... sometimes things have a strange way of being revealed or coming out.  I just don't condone "covering things up" or "lying." That's ME though.  

Yes, we are ALL human and make mistakes, but I sure would appreciate my husband having enough integrity to come to me and let me know what he did.  

[RockRose]

I wouldn't want to know either,  Harlie.  If it was a one time thing,  it was over and my husband felt terrible guilt,  I'd prefer he not unburden his conscience by crushing my world.

I think boswell needs to consider what kind of person his wife is - whether she'd prefer to know in this case,  or prefer not to.  

[Lucchese1]

My ex husbanded aitted on his own to a 2 year affair, left me and married her.  I was 29.  I haven't met anyone decent since, not that he was decent...  My advice, only of you know for a fact this woman won't call her up one day or send a letter, basically goes she know who you are???
Don't tell your wife if the woman doesn't know who you are.  Believe me, it will ruin your marriage.  Get a therapist.  Good luck, if you tell it will **** everything up.

[deadmemory]

As always, I agree with Londres.

I think as I stated before, you need to tell your wife the truth.. sounds like this act of infidelity is wreaking havok on your conscience, so to say. Women aren't stupid either.. sooner or later she will pick up on your vibes and will be devestated (she will be regardless) that you didn't confess sooner.

[jane7176]

Your wife has a right to know but you also both need to try to do this as healthily as possible. What I mean is, if you have not resolved some issues about it in your mind, and you approach her as distraught as you are right now, it could make you both a lot more agitated than you should be. Your wife has a right to feel angry, and will feel hurt, betrayed, and all sorts of things. You need to let her express all of these feelings without you interrupting her or trying to convince her that she isn't feeling the way she is feeling. But you don't sound strong enough to give her the strength she needs from you right now and you could make her even more distraught than she needs to be if you don't understand the grieving process that she will be going through upon hearing the news. You need to come to terms honestly with what you did and accept it as real, and that there will be consequences. What they are depends on how forgiving your wife is, and your personal situation. Try to get a bit more perspective on it in your mind get a hold of yourself right away, and tell your wife as soon as possible. Be honest above all. About everything. About how you really feel about her, about what happened. Don't get overly sweet and try to force her to feel or believe that you really do love her when she first hears the news. She needs to heal and she's going to feel that you didn't love her and the truth is that you didn't love her  when you were sleeping with the other woman.   So your wife has every right in the world not to want you or trust you now. So don't try to force her to believe how much you love her. It will only make things worse. You have problems of your own which led you to do this and which you need to resolve before you deserve the love of a woman who is faithful to you. But if you do love your wife she will know it if you are strong and really honestly sorry for what you did.  You can possibly heal a relationship after something like this, but you must come to terms with the fact that it will be your wife's choice, not yours. You also have to deal with the question of whether your wife might one day feel entitled to get revenge on you and one day you could be in her position if you stay with her and don't work it out. But her staying with you is at this point a GIFT to you. You must remember that if she decides to forgive you and continue to love you and work through this honestly. When you tell her don't try to patronize her and treat her nicely just to try to soften it or convince her to stay with you. You will be in the doghouse and accept it. I was cheated on, and he kept working, talking, socializing etc. as if nothing had happened. It was like he turned on the compassionate emotions while he was telling me (actually I had to ask he didn't just tell me. I suspected it anyway) and then was able to go right back to normal as if now that he'd told me it was automatically all right. Don't make this mistake of thinking that all you have to do is tell her and that she'll immediately forgive you and you can go on with your day and have dinner and go to sleep and wake up the next day as if nothing had happened. Things have changed, whether you stay together or not. Accepting that will make it much easier. If you stay together you'll have to make up for what you did. No one has the right to take away the other's peace of mind, and if your wife doesn't heal from this and just sweeps it under the rug so to speak, it will surface subconsciously in other ways and make your marriage a slow and painful thing. You also need to heal in your own way, and first of all have enough decency to commit to yourself at least to never cheat in the future. Neither of you should have to suffer abusive language or behaviour during the discussion you will inevitably have. I don't know either of your temperaments, but I do know that situations like this can get very heated with certain people. She might learn to respect you again if you are honest and give her the respect to decide for herself whether she wants to work this out with you or not. I've been cheated on and it is more relief to know than to live with the vague sense that your husband is not happy or not being honest with you. Take an honest look at how your wife is right now, whether she has stress at work or in her life otherwise. If it's her birthday or a special occasion for her or if she's dealing with some other stresses have the grace to tell her as soon as you can but not at a time like that, when she's not strong enough to handle it or on a day like her birthday which will ruin it for her forever. Maybe think about visiting a relationship counselor and telling your wife that you'd like to go to counseling to get over it if you really do love her and want to do everything you can to get over this together because honestly I don't think that you can handle this yourself. Your wife is probably a strong woman. But she may need professional advice on how to handle this too. You'll have issues to work out together, and also each of you has your own issues to deal with on your own. Your wife may be a caring woman, and for some men they get bored and wander in a situation like this, warping in their own minds the wife's caring love for something boring that they aren't attracted to. But once they cheat their eyes open and they see what they really had. Did you know the other woman? It helps a bit that you'll never see her again, but who knows. Was she someone you knew in the past and sleepin with her was a going away present or something? I don't know the circumstances but if it was a stranger you met when drunk or something who you'll really never see again it may be a bit easier to deal with. I've had enough with cheating men, and you are lucky if your wife wants to work it out with you. You will be very lucky if she gives you a second chance. If she is close to her family and friends and tells them this, you will have a very hard time getting her back because they will inevitably all tell her that she deserves better than you and if she decides to try to stay with you, she'll inevitably have to choose between you and her family and friends. This will be very stressful and heartbreaking for her if she has to choose between her parents and you. She'll have to find her own inner voice and will become stronger, but it will be very hard for her. Parents especially never forgive this sort of thing and will probably have a grudge against you indefinitely once they know that you cheated on their daughter. I hope that you have learned a lesson and will never do this again. Does your wife have a place to go for a while to have some time away from you? Where will you go if she kicks you out? Be prepared. Maybe live apart for a while if you can while you both attend counseling together.

[Londres70]

Deadmemory,  you definitely have a point about a woman's intuition. We can pick up on "vibes."   Plus, if you know your husband very well, you will know something just "isn't right."