Cheaters

[Judy246]

How would you or did you respond to infidelity?

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38%

 (13) 

End relationship and never looked back (with hard feelings)!

23%

 (8) 

End relationship and maintained friendship with time.

8%

 (3) 

Forgive and move on.

29%

 (10) 

Forgive and not forget!

34 Members voted

[Judy246]

I will be the first one to admit that I have been on both sides. Infidelity is life changing. You will never be the same, but I always thought that I would NEVER forgive someone who cheated on me! Well, I was wrong, in the early stages of my relationship, uncertain of exclusivity, he dated someone else and simply kissed her good night...ALL HELL BROKE LOSE. It took a lot of a** kissing on his part, but I loved him to where I didn't want to lose him and forgave him, BUT, I will NEVER forget and he knows that one tiny wrong move on his part and I'm gone (and I mean that from the core of my heart). I will walk away and never look back.

[Judy246]

I do want to clarify that in my situation, he only kissed a married woman. If he would have slept with her, I would have NEVER forgiven him. I was able to forgive a kiss, but never sex.

[vmvnpv]

That's a hard one to answer.  Sex with another woman is a dealbreaker.  But DH has been on some sites saying he wanted to hook up with women to have sex with them (i.e. Adult Friend Finder, etc.).  It happened when we were dating and he said he never actually intended to hook up with anyone, he just wanted to see if he would get any responses.  (I honestly believe he wouldn't do that to me, even though, at the time, we were fighting a lot.)  It took me months to forgive him.  I haven't forgotten but I have forgiven him and he's learned his lesson.  He said he never wants to hurt me that badly again and he's proving himself everyday to be trustworthy.

[vmvnpv]

It also didn't help that the guys he was hanging out with were bachelors and always trying to get him to cheat on me because they didn't like me (or anyone he dated for that matter).  Things have changed dramatically since he stopped hanging out with them.

[megochick101]

I do not believe I would ever be able to forgive or forget if my hubby cheated on me. I would be heading to a divorce lawyer pronto, but I did vote that i would remain friends only because we have two kids and I could never take them away from him. But if he cheated on me, there is no way I'm putting up with that!! i do not trust easily as it is, and i would never be able to trust him again, and i can't have a relationship where I'm sitting there questioning everything he does, it would drive me crazy.

I would try my best to remain civil with him and try(big try lol) to forgive him for the kids sake, but I couldn't stay in a relationship after that.

[Judy246]

vmvnpv, in my situation, his friends are all married or divorced and alway have some type of party. Temptations will always be there and there is nothing we can do to stop it, but I have warned him, one small move on his part and I'm out the door, never coming back! He can "kiss" the relationship goodbye.

[AmyMarie55]

If someone ever cheated on me, I wouldnt be upset. I would simply hurt, I would most likely ask why... even though... it wouldnt matter and I would end the relationship... friendship with time... I have been cheated on countless times.. mostly though when I was 13,14,15 years of age so.... but again I remain friendship with them. In my adult relationships I was cheated on and walked away..... and remain friends... not at once... everyone needs time to heal. I could never cheat on my boyfriend. If I want too, I end the relationship... simply as that... Temptations are always there and I use to worry so much about my boyfriends cheating.. Now I see it as if they are gonna do it... there is NOTHING i can do to stop it.. I can delay it...... by being over protective but if he wants to,, he will... and I would have to deal with it and move on with life.. When one door shuts.. another opens... Time heals all... Why would I want a man.. that doesnt want me....

Good question though!!!!

[mami1323]

I was the same as you Judy, always thought if my man cheated on me I would walk away...but when it did happen I did what I thought I would never do.  I stayed with him.  Why?  Well we had a child together, I loved him so much I couldn't see myself without him, he begged and pleaded with me, he wanted to go to counseling.  It has been the hardest thing to move past.  I can forgive him, although I haven't been able to even do that yet but I feel I'm getting close, but I will definitely not forget about it.  He tries really hard now to win back my heart.  Of course there were a lot of ups and downs and the consequences of his affair have long term and profoundly negative effects on our relationship.  The trust is not there and I don't think it will ever be where it was before.  I never expected that from him.  He never seemed to be that type of person.  I trusted him more than anyone I have ever been with so after I found out about the affair he changed in my eyes.  The man I once knew died right in front of me.  I have to learn to love him again.  Believe me, it's so much easier I believe to walk away.  But I only forgive once also, if I were to find out that he's done it again, I'm packing all his sh!t and leaving it for him in our building's hallway.  I will not allow someone to repeatedly hurt me in that way.  I lost respect for him this time, I would only assume if he did it again that he didn't truly feel remorseful for what he did and didn't learn and never cared about me because he saw how hurt I was this time, to do it again would be cruel.

[Judy246]

Thanks Amy & Jezi,

I thought I would post the poll, because we get so many people that don't know what to do if in this situation. I think by all of the above responses, it will help someone who is afraid or so controlled that they don't know what to do. Also, men would like to know womens responses and cheaters would also like to know and how guilt will eat them like a cancer.  Thank you all for your responses and I hope it will help someone out there.

[teko]

They say God never gives you more than you can handle and this is good because this is One situation that I would never forgive, forget, or even think about continuing afterward. To me sexual intimacy  is the tie that binds in a relationship. I can have friends that will sit and listen to me gripe, watch me drink and love me anyway after I make a fool of myself. BUT, to have someone I am committed to life with betray me in this way, I could not deal with, I would probably kill both of them and then myself. To imagine someone laying with him after me and giving birth to his babies! No Way! He be gone and if he is smart, he will keep going and her too! LOL.... Now any of you ladies that mess with married guys wanna take me on? Just joking of course...

[Judy246]

I'm proud to say that my  mother raised me right, married men are off limit!

Marriage is to be respected even if the couples are not getting along or not working out. Respect each other...get a divorce, but getting involved with a married man is disrespectful to the woman, husband, children, cheater and God... adultery....mortal sin.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

I'm w/ teko...I usually am.  LOL!  I just couldn't do it.  I know me and I just couldn't (forgive and forget) that is.  I respect those that try to work out the relationship after something terrible and painful like this, but I just know that I personally couldn't do it.

[j7653]

Well I went thru a bad patch recently and thought my wife cheated on me.  I had a lot of evidence but nothing definitive.  But having gone thru this weird experience I think I would stay with her since we have a child together, a history together, a life together, and I have hope that some day I will get back to the way I used to feel about her.

[BearHitch]

I voted that I wouldn't be able to forgive but I would try to remain friends simply because kids are involved.  That is something that I could not get over, and even just seeking it out and not following thru would be something that would be a huge thing to me.  I told DH that if he ever did cheat on me I'd shoot it off... I don't know for sure how serious I was when I said that but I know I would be a combination of furious and deeply wounded.

[swsunshine]

I would end the relationship, but still maintain a friendship. As long as we would never have a relationship again, there is nothing to worry about. You can't cheat on a friend.

[barefootand]

To mutch hasel about fidelety my guys allways fool around except the curent one. I wonder what is wrong with him? My friends give him plenty of opertunity I tell him to go for it he wont do it. I fool around he knows it I dont hide it. I dont do maried guys though thier already a sealed deal with a nice girl and a family life I dont want to crack the prety picture.

The oneley rule I have is if he wants to fool around he tells me about it and I am the number one girl in other words he breaks a date if I want to do some thing He gets the same curticey. Makes for a good relation ship people are naturaly randy criters.

[heatherlynn22]

i have absolutely NO tolerance for cheating. i would end it and that would be that.

[Nutkin]

Personal for me I have been on the receiving end of being cheated on and I walked away which completely changed my life, bitter at first and still cared for him, in time I saw that he never changed or ever will no matter how nice he portrays to be, a year on am still moving on but so much happier within myself knowing I did the right thing which was not easy  and still isn’t but why be with a man if he wants to be with other woman, as you will always feel second best and I wont put myself through that as am not second best, I had to forgive to move on which was so  so hard ,but we are all differant in how we deal with hurt. :)

[lor662]

Everyone has a way of dealing with infidelity,,some can forgive and forget,,some of us cant,,its who you are as a person,,i have children and staying or leaving would not be for the children,,if you stay and are unhappy they will see that,,if you leave and they see you are happy they will feel that,,even though you leave,,your children will always see there dad or mom ,so for the children sometimes trying to force yourself to stay for them is the wrong decision for all involved,,life does not mean staying together for them,,there are plenty of single parents and divorced couples,,who children are very happy,,we all want are familys to stay together and be happy,,but because are spouce cheated does not mean we have to accept it for are children,,if there young they would not understand but maybe feel the anger,,if there older they know whats going on,,we change as people and are children see it even when we dont think they do sometimes,,,for me,,i think after staying,i decided to leave because my feelings changed for him,,its hard real hard,,but i know the memories haunt me,,and even though i try to hide them,people around me see it as i only feel it,my children and myself deserve respect,,i was not respected,,i you take a chance with your marriage it really must not mean anything to you if your willing to risk it all just to go have your fling,,and when you get caught ,,its a mistake

[Judy246]

Thank you so much for your responses and insight. I received so many different opinions on the topic and I'm sure most of us if not all of us have the pain of being cheated on or being the cheater.  I'm sure someone who is going through the pain of being cheated on will read your post and will appreciated and be helped by you advise. Judy

[adgal]

I think I would have a hard time forgiving my husband if he cheated.  I was once, without knowing it, the other women and it was the most awful feeling. I was dating someone for a few months before I found out he was married and had 2 kids!!  I immediately ended it and struggled for a very long time as to whether or not I should get in touch with her and tell her.  I didn't do it as I just didn't want to be responsible for hurting her. I often wonder if I should have done something differently, or if he ever did it again.