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Cheating = Fantasy? (Please help!!!!!!!)

When I was 23, I met a married man 10 years older than me in the company I was working. At that time I was attracted by his work ability and he was charm, therefore we were together. After had sex with him after the first time (Before I was virgin), I regret already as thought it is wrong to do such thing with a married man. 3 years later I fell in love with a single man therefore my relationship with the married man ended.

After he knew I got a bf, he congratulates me and said he was happy for me. At that time I thought he could be a real friend. 3 years later, I broke up with my bf and then I asked the married man to come out to ask for advice as a friend and share my feelings. Knowing that I just broke up, the married man asked, " Am I your bf now? Can I kiss you? Can I have sex with you?" I felt very disgusting cause he still thought of that stuff and not caring about the broken-heart feeling of just losing a bf. I scold him and said he took advantage of me and was selfish. He was angry and said,"Oh, I just have fantasy, what's wrong with having fantasy with ex? Is it a crime? It is you who call me first and give me the signal". And then I said it is wrong to do that thing and I don't wanna do it anymore, and I asked if not for sex, would he come out as a friend, and he said,"Come on, you told not cannot do this and that (kiss,sex), what's fun on that? I tell you now my fantasy is gone now and I don't have interest to see you anymore. Don't teach me what to do, I have my own living style (he means his style is having an affair)!!"

I felt that I met an Evil from the hell, who pretend to me my friend but just for sex, who doesn't think that he is wrong. I treated him as friend but he doesn't. Now I am very upset and disappointed!!!!!!! What should I do?  
Best Answer
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, in reading your story, I'm glad you came to your senses that being with a married man is not a great idea.  Yeah!!  We all have life experience that teaches us and some of our best lessons were the hardest things we went through.

Now, I think that calling this ex/married man was probably not a good idea on your part.  You were never friends----------  you had a sexual relationship/romantic relationship.  Surely you have a friend or two to console you and give you advice without calling a man that you had a relationship such as you did --, right?  

I wouldn't expect him to see you all that differently now than before---------  but it IS good that you see him differnetly.  He is the same man he always has been---------- a man willing to cheat on his ex with a coworker.  Low character.  You went along with it the first time and now are smarter.  But to expect something different from him now is unrealistic.

So stay as an uninvested emotionally co worker to this man and steer clear of anything else.  And if you do seek friendship with him-------------- that is on you for doing the wrong thing.  His wife probably wouldn't want him to be friends with the person he cheated on her with for three years.  Would you?  

So, good luck.  Oh, and one thing our subconsious will do during a time of pain in which we are heart broken and feelng insecure, -------- it will seek out someone that makes us feel sexy and good about ourself, desired.  Didn't he do that for you here?  It is called secondary gain and it means that while our head knows it is wrong, our subconsious is seeking out the way something makes us feel. Good to resist it as it will often get us in trouble.  good luck
15 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, good.  Make it a point NOT to see or talk to him.  Ever again.   Good luck!!
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Avatar universal
Thanks all. I will be strong and move on and forget him. Luckily both of us left that company a few years ago so don't have to see him anymore.
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1019152 tn?1336074292
well said!!!!!!
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, agree!!!!!  You are overly invested in this man.  Take yourself out of the situation or I'm going to think that deep down you'd like to get back together with him.  

He is NOT your friend and never will be.  Don't be mad about what happened---------  you also had a part in it with your decision to be with a married man. Okay, so just learn from it and move on.  

You are hurting from your break up and placing emotion in places that won't help you.  Good luck and do not think of this man.  If he still works where you do, prepare a resume and begin seeking employment elsewhere.  Really---------- it is not worth getting upset over anymore AT HIM.  Take charge of your life and focus on productive things.

Okay, good luck dear.
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1019152 tn?1336074292
I think the more you dwell on it,it will never end..The more you stay in contact ,the more he will try to take advantage of you.I say walk the other way and never look back.
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Avatar universal
He made use of his wife to born a son for him and made use of me to have sex with him. In both case, no love inside. Horrible man.
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Avatar universal
The thing I really feel very angry is that he never thinks he is wrong. Last week (the last conversation with him for the rest of my life) when I said I feel very disappointed that he asked for sex again and again even though I said I don't wanna and was already broken heart because of my broke up with ex, and he said angrily, "I have the right to ask (for sex), and you have the right to refuse." I really feel very disgusting on his answer, he is just an animal.

He said he is a Catholic, but in fact he never regret on what he did. Also, he said he is an orphan (in fact his "step" parents treat him very well), so he always feel lonely and doesn't care about the "fame" (He said he doesn't care about fame when I asked why he didn't marry me if he really loved me (I asked this question to test his low character)). In fact, he cares very much about his fame, but not mine.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
This man got married with his wife after knowing her for 6 months only!!! And he said the reason why he wanna get married with her is that they both have "the same objective - To have a son". I think it is not wrong to hope for a son but it is really selfish to marry a woman just for this reason, without really love and passion for her inside.
He approached me just after his first marriage anniversity.......and then 1 year later, I asked how is the progress of his "son plan" and he said, "umm.......not yet....still planning." But later I found his son's photo on the facebook and I know at that time when I was asking (sleeping besides him), his wife is pregnant already!!!!!! After discovering this, I asked why he didn't tell me, and he said,"I don't wanna hurt you.........." I fact I would feel happy for him if his wife is pregnant, but SURELY I will not sleep with him if I know that at that time his wife is pregnant. Therefore, I am 100% sure that the reason why he didn't tell me is that he wanted sex and fear that I would not sleep with him if knowing that. Selfish guy!!  

Helpful - 0
1019152 tn?1336074292
Oh,and you made the mistake of going to him for advice. Someone that cheated on his wife can offer no advice to anyone about relationships.
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Avatar universal
Ditto cheshchesh819!!  AND  ditto specialmom!!

My personal input:

I understand Your statement "the world (people are) is unfair" but I disagree that "GOD is treating this disgusting man so well"  As I see it - God gives each of us free will and it's on us to do the right thing - You, him, me, each and every one of us.  Of course God hopes we WILL do the right thing AND it isn't God who rewards the evil/wrong do-ers.

Helpful - 0
1019152 tn?1336074292
Lets face it some men or (boys) are PIGS.Men are just wired differently.If it wasnt you he cheated with,it would be someone else.He obviously isnt happily married.His wife should be so lucky to have him.If that was my husband he'd be missing a few things!! haha  
Hope you decide not to see him again,because he will never change or leave his wife. Once a cheater always a cheater!!!!!   Karma will bite him in the butt eventually ☺
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Avatar universal
Could others give me comments as well? I am first to post things here and hope could have more feedback. Thanks~~~~~~~
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Avatar universal
Thanks cheshchesh819.

But the world is unfair, this married man is a director of a big organization, got a kid, and rich, and he is respected (except I know his true Evil inside) Why the God treat this disgusting man so good????!!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Take it as aa lesson learnt,married men often just use another woman for sex,they hardly ever leave their wife and family,put it down to poor judgement and a big mistake,then put it behind you and move on,also do not contact this man again,let him be.
Helpful - 0
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