Cheating Wife please help

[Watsonxx]

I am out of the country since 2 months now. I am hearing rumors about my wife having an affair and sexual relationship with my cousin. I am terrified by this news. We have been married for 2 years now and dont have a kid yet.
I am going back to my country after 2-3 weeks.
I just wanted to know is there any way where in i can do a medical test to determine whether my wife had sex in the last 2 months or not??
Please reply as this is bothering me alot and i cant concentrate on work as well.

[koolG]

Divorce her dude... If she cheated on you its means she does not love you.. Also when sleeping with her you will have the scene of your cousin doing her in front of your eyes. And you should not force yourself to live with her, why care for her when she didnt cared about you, you were working hard to fulfill her desires and what she gave you in return?  Deception.. Infidelity... This means she never respected you or cared for your feelings....

[RainLover71]

She is a bad egg and your cousin is worse.I am all for saving a relationship,but when cheating is involved,a leopard never changes it's spots.You will constantly have this situation on your mind if you give her a second chance.End of the day it's your call.All the best.

[Watsonxx]

Specialmom,

I think you are absolutely right.

I am in a state where i can't make a decision as it is really fresh.

I need to give some space to myself from her inorder to analyse whether its possible to forgive and forget or i should move on wihtout her.

I hate my wife for putting me in such situation, But the way she had plead, Begged and shown desperation of being with me makes me think twice and that's why i am just not able to take a decision.

Even if i really want to take a decision right now, I don't know why i am not able to implement it.

Its tough to face the reality.

Isnt?

[specialmom]

I think what is good about sending her to her moms is that you don't actually have to make this decision right now.  Usually, if infidelity happens, people can think it over and make a decision about what the best next step is.  Your situation is such that you feel you have to make up your mind immediately.  

People can love someone after they have cheated on them.  They really can and you may come to the conclusion that you can still be with her.  You have a great emotional pull still rather than straight loathing that many would have.  This means that on some level you do still love her.  Is that enough to make for a good relationship down the road?  I don't know.  

But what you do do by sending her to her mothers is buy yourself some more time to see how you feel when this isn't so fresh.  

Some can overcome a situation like this and some can not.  Where you stand, you don't yet know as it is very new.  So give some space and time and see how you feel after that.  Peace.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You've had extremely good advice from EveryOne here, there's nothing I can add except I would like to say:

You are NEVER responsible for another's life - only SHE is responsible for Her own life.  It would be HORRIBLY UNFORTUNATE if She were to do such a thing but it is freqently threatened as a control and You cannot take blame for Her decisions or let Her threats control You.  If You had control over Her, then She would not have had an affair with Your Cousin (and regarding the ex-boyfriend, She seems to have a history of betrayal).

Given Your STRONG convictions about Betrayal, I think You have made the right decision.  AND I think it's ideal that You send Her to Her Mom's place.
Good Luck To You

[Watsonxx]

No she isnt pregnant. Wat i meant was If i continue to stay with her and if we plan to start a family thn if she does something wrong then the baby would suffer.

Unfortunetely We dont have any "THERAPY" system in India, As this country is very conservative and people do not like to discuss these matters to third party.

As of now I am leaving to Australia Alone and sending her to her Mom's Place  for  a fortnight. She is scared to go to her mom's place as she thinks she might not get to see me again.

She says if i dont call her then she will directly come to Australia on her own expenses.

She is behaving like a baby.

I wanted to finish it off today by confronting my cousin and her together. But i know for the fact that this will speard in the entire family as everyone would start asking why i left her? what was the reason?

So, I dont want to disgrace or embarrass her anymore because every word i say about this issue kills her within.

I know i am promising to call her to Australia, Which i am going to break because i know for the fact she will die if i tell her that i want to divorce in front of her.

She is a psycho and go to any extent and can do anything like sucide.

So Its for her own good i am going to lie to her.

I am worried to do this but i am sure once she is with her mom and when i tell her over the phone the pain wont be so bad.

She should be able to accept it over a period of time.

Rest will keep you posted.

Please reply.

.

[Londres70]

Yes, the child or children would suffer.  So, that is food for thought.  If you want a family I don't think she is the ideal person for the moment to have a family with.  

[Watsonxx]

No she isnt pregnant. Wat i meant was If i continue to stay with her and if we plan to start a family thn if she doesnt something wrong then the baby would suffer.

[Londres70]

What do you mean by "baby."  Is she pregnant?  Please tell me there is NOT a child involved in this.  I WOULD NOT SUGGEST HAVING A CHILD/BABY WITH THIS WOMAN.  A baby will NOT fix the major problems you all are having.  DO NOT DO THIS.  Babies aren't bandaids or solutions to a bad marriage.  Too many people do this and end up dragging the children into a less than ideal situation.  

It is obvious she has some serious issues with fidelity.  As I stated in a couple of my earlier posts she DEFINITELY needs therapy of some sort to sort out why she is dishonest and why she has cheated.  I am not sure if therapy is looked down upon in regards to your culture or not, however, in the Westernized world it is accepted.  Given her past history doubt she will change without PROFESSIONAL HELP.  

Australia, India or wherever; doesn't matter where you all go, if she doesn't resolve this with THERAPY she will KEEP repeating this behavior over and over again.  It may stop for a bit, but it will NEVER stop without professional intervention/counseling.  

In one of your posts you stated in regards to counseling that you all didn't "need to go that far."  In my opinion you all need it more than EVER.

I can't say if she ever loved or didn't love you; only she knows that answer.  

Your situation sounds extremely draining and dramatic.  Go to Australia and be by yourself for a month or so and go from there.  

If you bring her with you you definitely will have your work cut out for you.  I mean, if you have to keep close tabs or a close watch on her to make sure she is NOT cheating or lying.......hmmmm.........that is no life to live for you.  

You CANNOT change or fix her; she can only do this if she wants with help of course.  

[Watsonxx]

I think i am finishing off the relationship today.

I am taking this decision thinking a wife cannot cheat on her husband if she really loves him..So i guess She never loved me thats y she took this drastic step. She should have thought once about me before commiting such crime.

After getting married to her she tried to get in touch with her ex-boyfriend without me knowing about it, Eventually i caught her talking to him over the phone and i had warned her if saying if you ever talk to your ex again i will call off the relationship.

She did stop it for a year. And again when i was out of country for a month she started talking to him again, Again i caught and warned her for the second time and told her there wont be any 3rd time. Its straight out.

But this time she crossed all the barriers and made out with my Cousin. I dont know why she did this, but she has to pay for wat she did.

The pain is unbearable but i cant accept her as she is no more pure.

I Guess this is life, Most of the divorces happen because of infidelity.

I had informed her before going to australia for a month, That sweetheart we will have a cute baby once we settle in Australia, Life will Change, Only 2 of us.

I am crying but the reality cannot be changed i guess.

As there is no gurantee that she will not cheat again, I dont want the baby to suffer because of her unpredictable behaviour.

I am a very emotional man, But emotions at times make you suffer, It is equally important to think practically.

I dont know whether i would be able to get married again, but i feel pity for myself.

I would really appreciate if any would like to advise on this one??

Thanks.

[Londres70]

I think the separation idea sounds reasonable.  Plus, she won't be by herself; she will be with her mother.  Getting away from the situation will allow you to see more clearly in my opinion.  I think I mentioned separation in my second post as well as others have too.  

Glad to be of some help to you.  

[Watsonxx]

Thank you so much for your kind advise.

I have a plan, Since i am moving to Australia, I am thinking about sending my wife to her mom's place. So that once i am in Australia and she being at her home, Its going to be little easy to call off the relationship.

I know i can't divorce her being in front of her as both of us would be completely shattered and speachless. She will die if i seperate from her.

So, Its going to be easier if i am away and send her to her mom's place for alteast 2 weeks, this will give me little time to think as well before taking a conclusive decision.

She keeps asking me every minute, She says if i go to my mom's place and you go to Australia, will you call me there? u will never leave me rt?

She is so scared that she also said i am really worried and feel you r only going to be with me for 3-4 days before you fly and i mite never be able to see you again as i feel you mite leave me.

I feel she is almost dead within herself. But at no cost she wants to be away from me.

I dont have time, I just have 3-4 days before i fly. I dont understand what to do as i have never been in so much of stress.

I am deeply hurt, My trust is shattered, every vision kills me, But at the same time i cant see my wife is so much of pain as she has been crying continously since 4 days now. Her eyes are swollen,

When i think of leaving her, Her crying face and the way she begged to stay with me comes in front of my eyes. Which makes me feel i should give her one last chance.

I told my Mom about this as she is the only one i can share things with, even she was zapped to know all this,  But after looking at my wife's condition she suggested me to try and forget this and give her one chance.

I would really like to thank Special Mom,Groovy,Rockrose, Londres and all other members who have advised earlier on this issue.

I would really appreciate if you could give me a final advise on this one.

Thanks.

[specialmom]

Well, I feel so bad for you.  I'm really sorry she has let you down so.

You are definately loyal and I personally applaud that.  In our culture, we raise our girls to grow up and take care of themselves even though you would never know it by so many who choose never to do so.  They too need to be taken care of.  Unfortunately, most men are not willing to do it if they do not have you.  So I must comment on your worry of her being able to care for herself.  I think that shows you to be a kind soul.

Trouble is----  if she stays with you and you move her to Australia-----  and then you decide to leave her, you have a bigger problem.  She'll be away from her support system that she must have (friends, family of some sort).  Could you go to Australia and give this some time for you to think?  Also would be a great test of her desire to fix things as well.  You suspected this infidelity, you'd suspect another if she continues to wander.  I don't think that is ideal, but with you moving----  I worry about you taking her with you with so much doubt if this is going to work.

I guess you really do have to decide if you are going to work through this and stay with her or not.  You don't have the luxery that others who don't have impending moves have.  That is a complication.

But do not take this to your family------- other than your cousin.  I would tell him you know about it and are dealing with it privately and you'd appreciate it if he stayed away from your  home/wife.  You may forgive him or not.  Time will tell.

[Watsonxx]

Thank you so much once again for all the important advise.

I think i am getting to a conclusion, I am getting pathetic vision of them making out in bed with each other. I am just occupied by these weird thoughts.

After a deep though i realize and asked myself few Questions like -

1. Can i accept her and have a guilt and feel humiliated through out my life?

2. Will i ever be able to love her again?

3. Am i ever gonna feel like touching her again? When ever i would feel it, I know i would not be able to touch her thinking my cousin has entered her.

4. Finally, Would i be able to live without her?

So many Questions and the only conclusion is and my heart says to "LEAVE HER"

But i know for the fact the if i take this step then she mte end her life as she keeps running out of breath when ever i start questioning her..

I am **** SCARED because if i leave her chances are high that she might end her life because she would not be able to take the pain of seperation.

I am confident about this because i know her.

All i wanted to know from her is " WHY SHE DID THIS" but she never had aany answers to it.

Please suggest..As i Am probably on a verge of LEAVING HER..

I know it be a biggest decision as i really loved her more than anyone else in this world, I have been honest to her, I still love her but at the same time i cant accept what she did to me.

Please reply.

[GroovyDeeDee]

This is more complicated than you realize right now.  You have two choices, you can walk away from her, or you can stay with her.  Either way, you have to forgive her in order to set yourself free.  If you choose to leave her, you will still be suffering from the pain of her infidelity.  Your heart and your psyche will not heal just from walking away.  You have been hurt, traumatized just as if you were in an accident.  Leaving the scene of the accident will not make you better.  

When I was in your situation, I originally thought that leaving was the only option.  I thought my husband obviously didn't love me, and I would have to be on my own.  Once I realized he was willing to stay and help me work through it, I was able to start to rebuild my trust for him.  

It did not happen over night.  It's been a year and a half, and I still break down sometimes when visions of the two of them together pop into my head, But it is getting easier, and our love is stronger, more romantic, and feels more "alive" now.  

It's not an easy road . .. It takes complete and utter commitment on both sides.  

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now.  I know it feels physical, the insomnia, inability to eat, and stress can lead to real physical illness, so take care of yourself now, and I agree with everyone else - you cannot heal this relationship without counseling.  

Good Luck.  Keep us posted.  

[Londres70]

What do you normally do or how do you all normally deal with infidelity in your culture?  I definitely do NOT know anything about your culture to comment further in regards to how you should deal with a cheating wife within your culture.  I am basing my comments on what seems reasonable in the Westernized culture.  For example, we don't any longer publicly humiliate people or give lashes/whipping for infidelity.  I was wondering why you mentioned something about "telling the whole family" and "giving tight slaps to your counsin."  

As you said, infidelity is not accepted in your culture "at any cost."  With that being said, if you are devoutly following your culture's stance on infidelity, do that then.  If you aren't and she has threatened all the above,  I am not sure what to tell you.  I surely don't want to say she is bluffing and will not do this.  On the other hand, she might just be saying all this to keep you there.  Move to Australia and see how things go.  She will definitely have to prove to you she that she means what she has said.  In my opinion, I would be seeking counseling ASAP as soon as you all get settled in Australia.  Sounds like she DESPERATELY needs it, however, you BOTH need to go.  

[Watsonxx]

I am from Goa, India. Our Culture is really Conservative, Infidelity is not accepted at any cost.

I am going through insomnia, cant sleep at all thinking what both of them must have done in bed. It Kills me. I cant imagine my wife could sleep with my own cousin who is just 18.

I am relocating to Australia  next week as i have got a job there. I dont understand how would i be able to concentrate on my work.

The problem is i can't live with this guilt and humiliation neither can i leave her. I am in a terrible fix.

At the same time i have lost all the respect for her, I dont feel like being with her at all.

I am just too shocked and cant concentrate on any thing else in life.

I may have to give a deep thought about the whole situation and take a decision. I am only scared if i leave her she could go to an extent of killing herself. That's my biggest worry.

Thats the only reason i said i can't leave her.

She said she will never ever betray me, she needs a baby, she wants to be a mother, She even said lock me in a room, never let me out, don't give me a phone or internet, But please don't leave me as i will die.

I am thinking about calling my cousin home tomorrow and give him tight slaps and warn him to stay away from our life for ever.

Now what can be suggested about the whole situation?

Am i Still doing the right thing?

[RockRose]

Watson - what country/culture are you in?  I think there are nuances here I don't understand,  as Londres said,  why she needs someone to "take care of her".

[Londres70]

Don't see anything wrong with giving her a hug after this dramatic confrontation, however,  I do have a concern you all getting through this without counseling.  Your wife definitely NEEDS to know the reason WHY she did this so that she will NOT repeat this.  You can't just blame your cousin for this as your wife is to blame as well and must take responsibility for this.    

"Someone to take care of her?"  What is that all about?  Is there something mentally or developmental wrong with her?  She is a grown woman not a kid.  

Are you sending for her to come to Australia because you don't trust her; to watch her?  What is the reason behind that decision?

You are in NO way obligated to stay with her JUST because she can't take care of herself.  Don't let that be the ONLY reason you stay.  

Don't see anything wrong with giving her a second chance as long as she understands and knows the reason or reasons why she did what she did and is DEFINITELY sure she will not repeat this.  In regards to you, hopefully your trust will rebuild; of course that will take time.  

Dealing with this without therapy......hmmm.......I have my doubts you will be successful.  

[brice1967]

Oh, and about your cousin.  You can choose to either forgive him or not, but do not let that ruin your life either.  The only way you move on is to forgive.... forget?  Never....

[brice1967]

I think hugging her was okay because you do love her.  But... the love has to go both ways.  She cannot have her cake and eat it too.  You get to decide what happens here to some extent.  You can stay or you can go.... keep in mind, so can she.

This really is a difficult situation.  I put my wife in the same situation as you are in.  My wife made a decision to give me a second chance.  I do love my wife more than anything, so I seized the moment and will not look back.  I work on making me a better person for her, and I also am there to support her through the tough times regarding the recovery process.

Infidelity is a hard thing to over come.  Trust has been destroyed, and that is big.  How does one gain it back?  Time probably, and a lot of work.  Your wife will need to do everything necessary... therapy/counseling, complete disclosure of the entire situation, she needs to be completely transparent.... everything she does and says for a good long time needs to be transparent and out in the open.  She needs to put your needs first instead of hers, and you have to be willing to let her do that.  

You also need a bit of time and space for yourself, but only you can determine how much, when and where it is all applicable.  If she is on board with all of that, then you have a chance.

Remember this though... you do not owe her anything.  Do not feel as if you have to stay because she has nowhere to go.  That would be the biggest mistake you could make.  She is a big girl, and this whole thing might make her a little less dependent at least in your eyes.  

The work is all hers... you'll have some too and forgiving is a tough lesson to learn.  You can move on with or without her, but do not let her being "helpless" hand cuff your future.  That is no way to live.

[Watsonxx]

Thanks a ton for the advise..But I just cant get this out of my mind..She is crying like a baby..She was short of breath and looked as if she will die..So i had to be little calm and didnt torture her more..I hugged her as well which i should not have done..But i cant see her in Pain either because i have really loved her a lot..As far as Counseling is concerned, I dont think i should be going that far as i need to leave to Australia in few days  for work purpose. And  i will get her there in a week's time after i reach..But the Question is Am i doing the right thing? Am i being too emotional considering the fact she doesnt have anyone to take care of her if i leave her..Too many questions and i cant find an answer. I feel like calling my cousin home abusing and slapping him and warn him to stay away and never show his face in the entire life and give my wife one last chance..what do u suggest?? I know i am the best Judge but suggests always gives a positive feedback..Please help..As this matter is very serious.

[brice1967]

Wow, what a horrible story.  I agree with Londres.  Don't drag the whole family into this and make this solution completely yours and out of the hands of complete strangers on the internet.

The ball is in your court and you have plenty of time.  People can and do recover from this, but it takes a lot of love, a lot of forgiveness, and a hell of a lot of work.  You'll also have to learn to trust her again.  This too is recoverable, but it also takes a lot of work.

Counseling is a great idea and should be looked into immediately.  Again, the ball is in your court.  Time is on your side, so take all you need to make a decision you can live with.  

[Londres70]

Good you confronted her for the truth; so sorry about the truth though.  I can sense your pain and humiliation.  

For starts, I don't think you two should be drawing the ENTIRE family into this.  

Is it possible you all could separate for a while and figure things out away from each other, then come together and seriously talk about what you all will do with the marriage?  Sounds like it is definitely too heated at this point for anyone to be talking rational in my opinion.  This should be THOROUGHLY thought out.  

To divorce her or not........you shouldn't be leaving that decision up to strangers on the internet.  The decision or solution SHOULD definitely come from you AFTER long thought and consideration.   We can try to advise you over this situation, however, we sure CAN'T be making the final decision.  I would HIGHLY recommend a marriage counselor be involved PRIOR to reaching your final decision.