Choosing friends over me

[questrain]

So my girl and I have been going thru major problems lately
and we've decided to try and work it out..

Well, since times are so rough I've been asking for more time with her so I can be with her more and talk about the problems were trying to workout, and just hopefully fix everything all together.

I realize sometimes rather than be aroundeach other more, it might be just the opposite which we need. so I try to go 3-4 days without seeing her and just contacting by a cute txt or short phone call before bed. On the days I do request to hangout with her though, I feel like I have to battle a fire breathing dragon which is her best friend to see her for more than a couple of hours.

her friend and I got off to a good start, now I feel like this girl has it in for me. Like she wants my girl to stop talking to me. I cant help but feel like shes putting her friend first priority over me all the time. I ask her to hangout she says "ya, i'll be there around 6 cause im with so and so, doing whatever whatever" well... 6 oclock, and i asked her around lunch time to hangout. Shes only allowed to hangout to about 9ish. She gets here about 6:30 - 7 we hangout a couple hours it just feels ****** I wish I could spend the whole day with her like before.. now its always like a hour or two then she gotta go home and study or something.

I got into an arguement with her friend because my girl and i were fighting and she stuck her nose in it. She gave me her 2 cents.. I gave her mine. My girl did nothing to stand up for me.. she did however cuss me out for her friend. I then gave her an altimatum which wasnt very nice.. I told her choose because im getting sick of this stuff, i've been telling you about it for 2 weeks and u keep saying its not big deal.. Well, to me it is. She said im not fkn choosing dont fkn talk to me u fkn a$$hole.. well i know im not her father to make her choose her friends or anything, but i was heated and pissed off.. She keeps making me think everyday taht this girl is more important than me. she known her not even half year, shes known me almost 3...

I know I cant control her and make her choose her friend or me, but at the time you have to understand i was upset.. and that one situation isnt what this is about. Her friend has constantly been talking down on me and i feel as if she has it out for me.. like she might try and fix my girl up with someone new or something.. I feel so crazy to even think like this, but its a gut feeling and i cant control it..Also it wouldnt behard for her friend to help her find someone new because she only hangsout with guys.. i know in the end its all my girls choice if she finds someone new or w,e but would you feel comfortable if ur gf friend was plotting on you?

[becks715]

I think that I understand what you are saying.  

I would be just as upset as you if it were me.  Not so much the spending time with her best friend but the friend putting in her two cents during an argument and having your significant other not say a word would really irk me.  

Arguments between you and your gf are just that, friends have no buisness in them when they are happening - afterwards yes, you confide, you talk it out, you get consoled but NOT during imo.  

It seems like it's not being fixed - If she can't balance her time to the two important relationships then she isn't going to.  You have already expressed to her your feelings and it seems like she's not doing anything to make it better.

Have you tried explaining yourself when you two are calm?  Not as you did when angry... maybe that would get you farther because her reaction to you asking her to choose was totally acceptable to me - you can't ask her to do that.  And I think you know that.

I would suggest next time you two are together you express your whole heart to her about this issue, how it makes you feel, how you don't want her to choose but you want a little more time then a few hours a week and how important she is to you.  If she isn't willing to try at least and the friend isn't willing to realize that she's not the only one important to your gf then what can you do really - might be time to cut your ties and find someone who's best friend you get along with!  It's a tough situation but some deep felt conversation needs to happen for decisions to be made.

[questrain]

Wow!
Somebody understands me, I feel like I'm in heaven.

I know I cannot ask her to choose. It was a heated situation like I said. I mostly did that out of anger because her friend was talking trash.

I have told her while I was calm that it bothers me, but that just starts another fight. So I tried again today. I told her that I'm not her father I'm her bf.. She can choose her friends. However, I do not feel comfortable with her around this girl so many hours throughout the week especially when I know the girl hates me and would do probably anything to get me out of the picture. I also told her I feel like I deserve an apology.. I said I would apologize for the things I said in response to her 2 cents, and as childish as this may sound I WILL NOT apologize first. I did not ask her to get involved in our arguement.. She should have just stayed out, but instead she criticized me as if I was dating her and my gf like they are a package..

[becks715]

Quest - it just sounds like an immature relationship - and I don't mean that in terms of you two being young or anything like that I mean it just sounds like she isn't ready for the committment.  It's a tough road and often friends slip away - I can see how she may hold strong to her friendship as it's her best friend but at the same time she's going about it all wrong in my opinion.

Let me put it to you this way - if she isn't willing to spend more time with you without it causing an argument then that point blank shows you how much she's willing to committ to you, not much to me.  

I am in no way saying she needs to drop her friend but as the significant other I would expect that she would give more then a couple hours a week to the relationship and even then as you say it sounds like even those few hours are a chore to her.  I would simply let it go.  Just sounds like the timing is off and that she doesn't want it right now.  

[uvlvrebel]

find a friend that's male or female, whatever and start to do fun things with them. obviously your gf is not anting to spend alot of time with you now, she seems content on spending time with her friend. take the hint and do the same.  worse case outcome = you'll break up, but you'll have a new friend and the pain will be easier. or best case scenario= she'll see you are not so controlling and dependent on her and she'll appreciate the time that you want to spend with her.

[questrain]

Well the situation turned out a lot uglier than I hoped it would :/

Her friend really went too far this time by poking her nose in..

I was driving home during a big snow storm and I knew the roads were bad.. On a similar night a week prior I had crashed my car and totalled it. So snow is kind of scary to me now. Anyway I get to a safe parking lot to pull over and I give her a call to makesure she's alright and not on the roads.. She wouldn't answer so I got worried and text her.. Her friend then text me and said were in the basement and have no service call back later..

I said well please send her upstairs real quick its kind important.. I was gonna let her know I decided to stay at a friends house do to the snow storm and warn her b4 she leaves so she don't crash..

Well, her friend said no.. She can't. Were busy, stop texting too its getting annoying.. At this time I was getting so damn frusterated.. I called with good intentions to warn her about the roads and to fricken tell her my where abouts.. Anyway  her friend proceeded to say that I'm crazy and I need to stop trying to check up on her.. She's not doing anything and to stop texting.. W.e it pissed me off and I stopped.. 45min later I get a call I told her that her friends a dumbass to look outside I was calling t warn them about the drive hom and to tell her I'd be at a friends house.. She said sorry for my friends behavior..

Today she drops a ticket stub to a hockey game on the ground.. The time on the stub says about 1 hour prior t when I called her.. She admited they weren't in the basement but a hockey game..

Wtf am I doing wrong? Were going throug such a rough time right now and all I need is this, lying. I told her today lets just call it quits and go seperate ways and she wouldn't let me leave her..  I love her a lot, but wtf I cannot be with a liar.  Its not even like its a big deal  to have to lie. Anyway, my personal attitude is never lie.. Its 10x worse than any truth can be..

her friend could have been doing what most ppls friends would do... go along with the lie... but my friends would never directly text her and lie.. They would tell me to handle it myself and IF  she called their phone, then MAYBE jsut MAYBE they might go along with my lie... but like I said, I'm not  aliar.. Thru my life I have found no matter how bad the truth is.. U annot lie to someone forever they will findout and it will be 10x worse than the truth

[becks715]

Quest - none of this is worth it.  Her friend is obviously jealous of your relationship with your gf - is this the first time she has been serious with a man?  That would explain a lot if the friend has never dealt with sharing the attention before it happens.

I'm going to tell you again, your gf is not ready, her actions speak louder then words and until you realize this it won't get better.  People don't just wake up and change their entire self and ways it doesn't happen.  Her friend won't either.  Sounds like she's stuck between a rock and a hard place but if she has now resorted to lying to you then that's a big red flag.  A BIG RED FLAG.  Stop being the first to contact her - like uvlvr said go out and find your own friends/spend time with them and chill with contacting the gf.  It's only causing you hurt and confusion as she isn't really doing anything about it.  

It doesn't sound like you're ready to let go so unfortunately this is what you are going to be dealing with - I'm telling you right now it will not get better tomorrow.  I would cool it for awhile and do your own thing.  Let her be with her friend she's obviously choosing that anyway.  Seriously this is not worth it.  I know relationships are hard but when they are meant to be the difficult times are generally worked out between you two and she's not willing to work on this.  Let it go for now - tell her until she gets her head straight about what she wants then you are gone.  And she may say she wants you but she's playing games - and you need to be strong and tell her that you have no time for games.  Tell her you don't expect 100% of her time but you expect respect and clearly by lying, having her friend text you mean things etc is NOT respect.  Come on you're smarter then this.

[becks715]

Quest - none of this is worth it.  Her friend is obviously jealous of your relationship with your gf - is this the first time she has been serious with a man?  That would explain a lot if the friend has never dealt with sharing the attention before it happens.

I'm going to tell you again, your gf is not ready, her actions speak louder then words and until you realize this it won't get better.  People don't just wake up and change their entire self and ways it doesn't happen.  Her friend won't either.  Sounds like she's stuck between a rock and a hard place but if she has now resorted to lying to you then that's a big red flag.  A BIG RED FLAG.  Stop being the first to contact her - like uvlvr said go out and find your own friends/spend time with them and chill with contacting the gf.  It's only causing you hurt and confusion as she isn't really doing anything about it.  

It doesn't sound like you're ready to let go so unfortunately this is what you are going to be dealing with - I'm telling you right now it will not get better tomorrow.  I would cool it for awhile and do your own thing.  Let her be with her friend she's obviously choosing that anyway.  Seriously this is not worth it.  I know relationships are hard but when they are meant to be the difficult times are generally worked out between you two and she's not willing to work on this.  Let it go for now - tell her until she gets her head straight about what she wants then you are gone.  And she may say she wants you but she's playing games - and you need to be strong and tell her that you have no time for games.  Tell her you don't expect 100% of her time but you expect respect and clearly by lying, having her friend text you mean things etc is NOT respect.  Come on you're smarter then this.

[becks715]

Don't know why it posted twice...only clicked post once...sorry about that.

[questrain]

Yeah..
I know what you're saying and obviously I know its not respectful anything she's doing.

its hard to walk away from something you put so much into though, you know? I feel like 2 whole years of my life building something with someone. And now they are acting so stupid and childish like it meant nothing... so now I'm gonna be alone and start over with someone else eventually, its gonna just suck.

I've tried teling her no more games. She tells me I'm not innocent either.. Of course I argue back.. One thing I never do though is lie.. Its just not my thing.

I knew it was over when I had to bed her the truth.. She made up about 50lies where she got the ticket stub.. Blahh this sucks but thanks for the advice.

It seems like I knew all the answers deep down inside... but I needed to vent a little. Yovue been a big help tho. I wish this relationship was repairable :(

[jml1986]

Let me tell you what a friend is to a girl. She is the person who hears all my ups and downs with my partner or with everyday life. She is there to take my side if I am fighting with my mate. Since she will only see my side, she becomes defensive if she knows that my mate is hurting me. She has no allegiences to my mate at all and will harbor bad feelings toward him until I tell her not to. This being said, if I pick my friend over you all the time, that means I am really not into the relationship like you are and I would prefer for you to end it so I don't come out looking like the bad guy, even if I tell you I don't want to break up with you.

Now that I have said all that, let me tell you that as you get older, our friends are still there and we still use them the same way, but they do not interfear with our relationships like they used to. One reason is that they have their own lives to deal with. We support each other but we just don't take such an active stance in each others relationships.

For me personally, my friends and I have what we call the meeting of the counsel. We go out for dinner and drinks every few months and we spill all, good or bad. We all listen to each other complain about husbands and children and life in general. We give each other advice such as dump the loser or cut the kids off from their money flow if they are abusing your generousity. After a couple hours we are done with all that and we just sit and enjoy each others company knowing that we will all do what we want in the end, we just needed to voice it.

I do believe that you know what you need to do, it just takes awhile to take action. Good luck.

[becks715]

I know it sucks.  But think about it, you will only be here in another 2 years if not dealt with now and then the words will be "I wasted 4 years building my life with someone etc..." Don't let it get to that.

Jml makes an excellent point and is very right, which is why I asked if this was your gf's first serious relationship and the fact that I stated it is just sounding immature to me from all aspects not just age.  

I wish you the best in whatever you decide but please don't wait around for things to change.  Maybe time and maturity will bring you back together one day you never know, but maybe that right person is right around the corner too.  That's life, ups, downs and all inbetween.  Good luck to you.

[Jaybay]

I don't know about the rest of you, but my "best friend" is my husband.  Just my opinion, but that's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?  I don't run my husband down to my girlfriends.  Why?  That's just a bunch of useless venting and bashing that does no good at all, and can actually make a small problem worse.  This is the kind of thing that happens all the time when we're young - taking sides and feeling possessive as our buddies pair off and go in different directions.  It's called a learning experience.

[becks715]

Yes Jay I feel the same way.  My boyfriend is the one I tell everything too, and the one I turn too when angry/sad/upset etc.  I have very close female friends who I ***** to on occasion and discuss things with for another woman's point of view but usually the things I bring to them are things I've already discussed with my boyfriend.  

Quest let us know how you get on.