I am a 22 year old male. About 2 months ago I met up with a 17 year old girl I met online. We had sex on the first date. I didnt use a condom, but pulled out. I was aware she was not on any birth control.
After we had sex, she went weird, trying to make me tell her what I thought of her and what my impressions of her were (on a 1st date!). Looking back, I think she was a bit attached before we had even met. When I wouldnt answer (just cos I thought it was an odd thing to be talking about) she ignored me for about half an hour refusing to tell me what the problem was. I didnt want a 2nd date. I even had to turn her down for more sex. She wasnt happy at all, saying I was rude and everything, but we did eventually agree to be mates.
About a week later she tells me online that she has something to tell me and I wont like it. After causing some drama with me repeatedly saying u might as well tell me now, she says she was a week late. I told her to get tested. I read about it online for her and found that the best time to take a pregnancy test was after 10 days. On that day she text me telling me shes pregnant.
At first I believed her. I for one cannot understand what anyone could possibly gain from lying about this, but apparantly some women do it. Little did I know a girl has actually done it to my brother before (lied about it)! Anyway, when I found out it messed with my head a little and I was straight off to go get a bottle of vodka which had me pretty drunk that night. Silly of me I know, but she rang and I talked to her about it that night (still drunk). Eventually she decides she has to keep it.
Thing is, she is doing some very odd things and I have no idea weather its hormones doing it or a cover up. I've never understood women that well in general. Anyway, here is what doesnt quite add up:
1) We live in different towns. I've arranged to meet up with her 3 times now. Each time she has turned her phone off on the day and stood me up. Its the same routine. 2-3 days later I'll get some text about something else like this just never happened. I tell her off about it, then she has clever ways of twisting it round like, 'are you going to hold this against me forever?' I didnt know how to answer that one - it just wasnt the point at all. This is odd because you would think if she really was pregnant, she would be desperate to have me involved somehow. Right? I've offered to be there and everything, this is why I thought it was a good idea to meet up and discuss things. She seemed to think so too until the days to meet came. It almost seems like she is just buying time..One of the times she was even on the internet about an hour and a half after we were supposed to meet. Its very unlikely she could have got back home in that time, therefore unlikely she had come down at all like she claimed she did.
2) She has already had 2 early scans. I dont really understand how pregnancy is counted, but one was 5 weeks after we had sex (4 weeks since her missed period) and her 2nd was 2 weeks later. This doesnt seem right at all. I know they can do one scan if there are any problems, but she hasnt told me of any. I text her about 5 hours ago asking if there were any problems with either of the scans and shes just ignored that. I should mention that she has already had 1 miscarriage before. She said something about there being a problem with the thyroid gland, it miscarried and messed up one of her ovaries. Could this have something to do with it?
Anyway, there is more to this whole crazy situation and I'm sure I'll think of it as the discussion goes. just for the record, I want to do the right thing here. If she has this baby there is no way I'm leaving it without a father. The problem I have now is how do I go about finding out weather she is lying or not? If she isnt how do I go about getting on good terms with her when she is constantly looking for drama out of nothing (very unbalanced girl - she even cuts herself and claims its not a problem cos it makes her feel good)?
I just really want to do whats right here. Any help much appreciated..
It sounds like she's lying about this if she's being so avoidant and not providing any specific details about anything. But...there's always the chance that she's not lying.
You'll just have to keep in touch with her and stay on her case until you find proof of this pregnancy, and then if she does turn out to be pregnant, as soon as the baby is born, get a paternity test to make sure you're the father. That way, if you want to be involved in the child's life, then you are able to pursue legal action to make sure you get paternal rights. Otherwise she can cut you out of her life and the baby's, and there will be nothing you can do about it. Get that DNA test when it's born, and make that your first priority.
If you find out she's not pregnant and has made this whole thing up, take it as lesson learned. DON'T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX again with people you don't even know...not only do you risk crazy stuff like what you're experiencing now, but STDs, which can be lifelong and deadly.
I hope this has a good outcome for you.
First it was very irresponsible of you to have unprotected sex on a first date(you probably know that lol) and secondly it's very good of you to accept your responsibility to the baby and her during the pregnancy so good job there, some men would just run away fast.
To understand better I just want to clarify, you have not seen her at all since she has told you she was pregnant? is that right? i just want to make sure i understand. if you have tried many time to see her and she is basically blowing you off, that's a little weird as she will most likely need support during a pregnancy.
As to how far along she is. Doctors use the first day of her last period to determine this. So hypothetically, if say the first day of her last period was May 17th, add two weeks to that date and that's about when she got pregnant. So now june 17th she would be about 2 weeks along. So basically she would have had to have sex about two weeks after her last period(or two weeks before her upcoming period) in order to get pregnant(in most cases with regular periods) So at her first appointment she would have been about 6 weeks pregnant.
As to the scans, my doc always waited until I was 20 weeks pregnant(about 5 months) before doing an ultrasound, unless of course there were problems such as bleeding cramps, etc. The only thing they did during my appointments was feel the baby and use a heart monitor to check heart beat.
Have you offered to go to doc appointments with her? If she is pregnant and it is your child you have the right to go. If she refuses to elt you go to any then I think she could very well be lying to you.
As to her cutting herself, she need to see a therapist! The stress of a pregnancy will make an already unbalanced girl even more unbalanced.
I would really highly suggest getting a paternity test after the baby is born. After all you had sex with her around a week before her missed period, so you may not be the father if of course, she is pregnant.
Good luck and next time use protection if you don't want any children or any STDs(sorry for the preaching but seriously)
where do i even start? you being 22 i'm sure you know that using the pull out method is a very BAD idea. i'm sure you know a girl can become pregnant from pre ejaculate. so, she could be lying or she could be telling the truth. a week is a bit early to know if she's pregnant or not. typically a woman can not get a positive pregnancy test until 14 days past conception. 10 days for a blood test. a 5 weeks scan would most likely show nothing. i could barely see my twins when i was 9 weeks. the doc had to magnify the u/s picture x's 10 just so we could see them clearly. so 5 weeks should be WAY too early to tell anything. she's 17. she's young and immature. it sounds like IF she is or isn't pregnant she is playing games with you. once she's "further along" and has another u/s done ask her to see the picture from it. typically u/s have the date and mothers name on them (all of the scans i've had done have had the date, my name and the location where the scan was done printed on the upper right hand corner). you need to sit down with her and you need to have a serious discusion with her. IF she is pregnant she needs to realize, if you're the father, that you will apart of the childs life. (you should ask for a paternity test) that she WILL need to communicate with you, talk to you and even see you when you visit with your child. as far as you 2 being together, child support or visitations that is something you will also need to discuss. let her know it is time for her to grow up and to stop playing mind games with you. if she is pregnant with your child you have every right to know what is going on with the pregnancy. whenever my husband wasn't home (he is a USMC and was stationed in wash, d.c while i was pregnant) i had him on speaker phone during all of my appointments so he could hear the ob/gyn's and ask questions if he didn't know something. when he was home he was in the exam room with me. he stayed in the hospital with our children and i until i was discharged. he was at the hospital with me from sun up till the wee hours of the night while our boys were in after i was discharged. if you want to be involved with your child...you should have the same opportunity.
First, I'm very straight foward and to the point. I agree with everything the ladies have said above. I also noticed that your profile reads "female", yet you are writing "male"? Things that make you go hum?
1) The only way if your going to find out if this baby is your or not is wait until the baby is born and request a DNA test.
2) Let this be a lesson that you don't have sex on the first date. This is what happeneds when inmaturity kicks in and youth think with the wrong head (I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is what happens when you risk writing her with women who can be your mother).
3) What happened to the condom? NEVER have unprotected sex to avoid the mess you are in right now and possibly spreading or contacting STD!!!
4) This will not only affects you and this underaged girl, but both families and there is an innocent baby involved. (baby having a baby).
4) She is underage, YOU CAN GO TO JAIL FOR RAPE!!!! if she or her family decides to press charges against you.
It sounds like she is upset you rejected her and now wants to either get back at you by lying or maybe she will go out and get pregnant or she is pregnant etc... DNA test is the way but before that you need to find out if she is actually pregnant.. Do a test with her... And if she wont do it then just say I dont believe your prengnant and until you do a test with me there will be no further contact.... and see what she says to that. 17year old girls love playing games.. maybe she is enjoying the fact now you want her etc..... anyways see what she says but yes she is underage and you could get charged for rape... So think about things
Also you usually have a ultrasound at 13 weeks and at 26 weeks... around those times.. they wont do a test earlier usually cause they cannot see anything. I have had misscarriages before and on my little boy they never did early ultrasound.. If they think ur not gaining alot of weight or ur gaining to much etc... or they dont hear a heart beat when they should then.. yes they will etc.. but how many weeks does she say she is?
I think that i would not date or have sex with this girl again, take a witness when you talk with her, but stay friendly untill you know whether she is Pg or not, and if she is demand a paternity test, and if she isnt stay the heck away from her, and it always pays to get to know the person awhile before sex luck jo
You were irresponsible on MANY accounts. First of all SHE'S UNDERAGE! You better hope and pray her parents don't press charges for rape because your whole life will be screwed up. Also, ask for evidence of her being pregnant. Ask if you can go to her next doctors appointment as proof. Or wait for her while she goes in to get an u/s and then ask to see the pictures. Next time don't be stupid and keep it in your pants unless one or both of you are using a form of protection. AND STAY AWAY FROM YOUNG GIRLS! I wish guys would think with the heads that are on their shoulders. Otherwise you are just asking for trouble!
I dont blame anyone for critisism, its nothing I havnt already told myself over and over. I realise how stupid and selfish I've been and trust me it does not feel good and if nothing else I've learned my lesson - unprotected sex, though it feels MUCH better, its just not worth the consequences. I guess I just had the stupid attitude of it wont happen to me..
But to all the people saying I could go to jail for rape - no chance. I live in the UK and the legal age to have sex is 16. Also I realise there will be plenty of people who dont approve of her being under 18. I was genuinely OK with this. Just to clear that up.
I've asked her to post pictures of both scans and she said she would. I have no idea weather she actually will or not as there seems to be a pattern of her saying she will do something and then just not.
I get that we need to have a face to face discussion. Just to clarify, I havnt seen her since the sex. She told me she was a week late online, then text me at 10 days late to tell me she had took the test and was pregnant. I have tried to meet up with her. She even seems to agree its the best idea when we are arranging it, but then just avoids the situation entirely.
I've tried calling her on her game playing many times, saying stop putting yourself first and take some responsibility and what not. The usual routine is her either ignoring this or accepting it and apologising then doing the same thing the next day. I've even tried being as understanding as I possibly can, trying to help with the self harm issue and everything, but I get the impression she isnt interested in my help, only in telling me about it.
If she wont ever meet me I am honestly at a loss for what to do. She told me about one of the scans on the day so couldnt make that, then I was in work for the other one and couldnt get it off. I text her askin her if there were any problems with either of the scans yesterday and still no reply. Its starting to look like she is cutting me off which is weird cos recently there have been no arguments with us..
The only problem with cutting her off is that what if she is telling the truth? Worst case scenario here is that my baby is being taken care of by a very unbalanced woman without me being able to have any contact. Knowing that could happen is hard to deal with, but I'm still not causing drama. My aim here is to do the right thing whatever happens.
Looking at how its calculated makes this even weirder. It means she has had scans at 3 and 5 weeks. Another point to clarify - we had sex, a week later she missed her period. Could it have been me?
I like the idea of contacting her parents - clever. Only thing is I know nobody she does and would have no way of doing this. I could get in touch with her older sister (who she has apparantly told) via facebook, but thats about it, would that be a good idea?
The doc would never do a scan at 3 weeks pregnant, they wouldn't even do a scan at 5 weeks pregnant, because there really isn't much to see. My doc wouldn't even give me an appointment until i was at least 6 weeks along, but he said preferably 8 weeks along, so they can hear the heart beat easier.
You being the father(if she's pregnant) you could be or you couldn't be, it all depends on how regular her cycle is. if she has a normal 28 day cycle, then she would be ovulating around day 14(so right in the middle between periods) so she would be able to get pregnant two weeks after her period or two weeks before her period(i believe, it still confuses me sometimes lol) that only if she has regular, normal cycles
As to contacting her family. I would do it. Tell them that your trying to help with the pregnancy and be there for her during it and everything but she won't ever keep appointments with you. If you contact her family, you'll definitely be able to find out if she is pregnant, because they'll either appreciate that your trying to be involved and help out or they will be completely shocked and have no freaking clue what you're talking about.
Good luck with all that, you'll probably need it :)
the only reason i even had my scan done at 9 weeks was b/c we thought i was having a miscarriage. luckily i didn't. my ob said his office doesn't even do a first scan until 13 weeks. which until we thought i was having a singleton birth my appointment wasn't even scheduled till then. he just prescribed my prenatals and my blood work to be done. i don't even think a lot of women KNOW they're pregnant until 4 weeks.
and like mego said...it depends when she ovulates on if you're the father or not. IF she is even pregnant a paternity test is a VERY good idea...like i stated before. she could be trying to pass of this baby (if she's even pregnant) as yours hoping you'll take care of her and the child. i've seen people try to do it and fail miserably.
where online did you meet her? if it's anything like myspace or facebook can you view her page and her friends? if it is something like that try contacting her friends. see if any of them will give you any information such as her parents phone number, who they are, if she has siblings. something that can help you get into contact with her parents. if she is playing games with you and you contact her parents it could get her to stop and fess up or at the least IF she is pregnant to face facts and grow up. she'll have to have some contact with you...if her parents are the responsible kind. have you considered contacting an attorney? if you say you are going to or do and have the attorney contact her she'll have to again include you in whats going on. if anything is. and if it isn't...a bit of a waste of money but she won't bother you anymore and you'll finally have your answer. if she wants to play childish games...just up them to adult "games". if you take her word for it. start thinking about the childs future. who would s/he be better with? do you want to be involved in his/her life?
OK, just to clarify even further I'm going to put the dates in:
24/04/2009 - we had sex
30/04/2009 - she was supposed to start her period
07/05/2009 - she tells me online that she is a week late
10/05/2009 - after me telling her to take a test on this day (as apparantly 10 days after missed period is most accurate) she texts me to tell me she is pregnant
02/06/2009 - 1st scan
14/06/2009 - 2nd scan
I have no idea how regular her cycle is, she hasnt told me lol. I met her on a free dating site called (plentyoffish.com). People dont have friends or anything on there. I know where her facebook page is, but she deleted me for some reason (covering up something perhaps?) so I cant view her. I could however find her sisters page through hers and send her a message. Wouldnt know what to say though and I dont wanna pizz this girl off anymore by going behind her back if she is telling the truth. I'm still waiting for a text back from yesterday asking if there was a problem with either of the scans. That will be my first clue. If she doesnt ever reply I havnt a clue what to do..
You are not going to **** her off by going to her sister if she IS pregnant! It will only **** her off if she's lying to you about it because her cover will be blown. I think going to her family is an excellent idea.
I also like the idea of going to her family. To be fair though, this girl uses any excuse possible to be pizzed off with me. I don't want to ruin a relationship that might be really important in the future..
I'm thinkin I will at least wait to see if she replys to my text and posts me the scan pictures like she said. If not, I suppose its the only option. Any ideas what to say to her sis?
Appreciate all the help off everyone by the way. Its good to know there are people out there willing to lend a hand. Thanks
you shouldn't be worried if she is pi$$ed off or not. you need to get to the truth and if she's lying you need to run as far and as fast as you can from her. she's a nut. either way...IF she is pregnant and she does get mad she can't with hold information from you and not let you see the child (IF she is pregnant and IF it is yours). you are the childs father and you have EVERY right to be able to see him/her and be active in his/her life.
as far as what to say explain the situation. let her know that her sister is telling you she is pregnant and that the baby is yours but will not give you information and ignores you. let her know you just want to know what is going on and that you would like to meet the parents so that you can man up and take responsibility for what has happened and you would like to be a good father. (don't bring up wanting a paternity test, if you do which you should, or if you think she's lying. make it sound like you are confused and concerned. which you are. and just want to be involved and want to know what is going on and that you don't want the runaround) be nice and polite and just let her know that you're getting desperate to know what is going on since her sister will not tell you anything and that this was the only way you could think of getting involved with the pregnancy and the child.
Its not quite that simple. I have to be worried about pizzing her off. I told my parents about this last week and my mum told me this awful story about a man she knew who was in a similar situation to me. He didnt get on with the girl, but got a lawyer who managed to get him visitation rights. Contact was to be done through a middle-man. When it came to his actual visiting time she would never be in (on purpose) and he struggled with this for most of the childs life as there isnt much the law can do about that weather I have rights or not. This is why I am trying to stay on her good side. If I had any faith in the law I wouldnt care that much.
I like what you've said about what to tell her sis - my sentiments exactly. I will probably be using that.
it is tough when there are women who are...vindictive. i know a few of those as well. they use their children as leverage against the fathers. it's awful.
just try to remain polite and curteous so that you stay on their good sides. if she does get mad just explain to her that you are concerned and you want to be involved with the child and the pregnancy and you wanted to make sure she was ok. that while she carries you child you will do what you can to make her comfortable and that you want to take care of him/her. just be sweet and honest and you should be fine. if it turns out she's lying she'll be made to look like a horrible person (which if she is lying she is an awful person!) and will hopefully never do this to another man again. and let her know you want to go to the appointments with her. when you do go and there is an u/s done the ob will give an estimated due date and if you want you can ask about the conception date. they can be off by a few days but if it gives a completely off date...well....there ya go. if she still claims the baby is yours...PATERNITY TEST!!! that will probably p!ss her off but do you want to pay for and take care of a child that isn't yours?
Hi...Don't think that just because you are in the UK, it does not mean that she will not turn around and tell her family that you rape her, so be very careful to assume that you can't go to jail, because you are in the UK. She can easily be vindictive, especially when she still seems to be unprepared and immature. I do with you the very best of luck, because you both are going to need it.
Judy - Thanks for the warning. She is the most irrational person I've ever had to deal with so wouldn't put it past her. Even more reason to keep on her good side I guess. Though I think anyone would find that hard to believe. I've still got various texts from her on my phone about it, 1 even saying she wouldnt mind meeting up and having sex again. I don't know how much that could go towards proving I didn't rape her, but its gotta be worth something.
As for being a woman who is prepared to use her children as leverage against the father - she has kind of already done this. She threatened to cut me off completely basically because I called her on her games. I'm finding it hard to get over just how selfish that is (whatever the reason we argued) - denying a child a father because you have a personal problem with someone. Thats messed up.
If she does try and cut you off from the child(if it's yours and if she's not lying), i would definitely save all of those text messages and any other messages from her that could help you in the end. They would at least show that she is not mature enough to handle a child and could help you get custody over her, especially if you have texts about her cutting herself(that's really bad while pregnant especially). I would save all of those just encase, because she sounds completely immature and completely irrational to me too and that's a bad combination in the mother of your child(supposed i should say)
And just try to be as nice as possible to her, and try to help her in any way you can, but do not try and have a relationship with her, you don't want to have any more drama right now lol
No, god I'm so far past the point of wanting a relationship with her. Ever. But, yea I knew somehow that saving her texts would be useful with the stuff she comes out with.
Anyways, I think I am going to lie low on this for a while. I text her like 2 days ago asking if there was a problem with either scan with no reply (bearing in mind if I take an hour to reply she gets pizzed off that I'm ignoring her). I have no idea what game she is playing at the moment, but I'm thinking I'll ignore her until she says something rather than buy into it and go chase her.
I wanted to thank you for stepping up and being a man and for welcoming harsh critizism with class and accepting good advise. We are a very good group, but we are also very honest as we see it. It shows your a good person, classy (human like the rest of us who have made mistakes) and of good character.
Thanks Judy. I still feel like a *******, but much appreciated :) Just tryin not to make anymore silly decisions. Been about a week since I she said she would post the scans then started ignoring me. Hmm..
I think you have your answer. Hopefully she's given up and hopefully you won't hear from her again. If you do, ask her to provide proof of the scans so you can see for yourself how "Your" baby is doing. It's all about how you ask, and don't worry about making her mad! You shouldn't have to tip toe around her!
Unfortunately, men and women don't think the same when it comes to sex. To men, they can have casual sex and not get emotionally involved. Sex is sex. With women, it is more of an emotional attachment. So I understand what you're saying but it is what it is.
imanaddict - couldnt agree more. i asked her questions about the scan before she started ignoring me. im not going to bombard her with more questions until she decides to answer me or do her usual thing of 'once enough time has passed, change the subject entirely.' i might contact her sister soon though, but not really sure when. im worrying about pissin her off because she CAN and probably will use the child as leverage against me when (if??) its born. The law doesnt give a **** about men in this situation and wont help me if thats what she decides to do. Its the harsh reality.
mami - thats true, but also very general. consider this: what if she had been a girl who was only really interested in sex herself? they do exist. if that was the case i would have still been up for it and then probably looked kinda saying something like "Hey, just before we do this, you do realise its not going to garentee a relationship right? not saying its not on the cards, but this is just sex." You dont say things like that because people who lay down and do it should realise that anyway..
Yes some women can have casual sex, but not all women think that this one night is all that is going to happen. If the sex is good, be prepared for her wanting to come back for more. Eventually just casual sex becomes an emotional attachment. So sometimes it is important to lay the cards on the table before anything happens.
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