Committed Relationships & Lap Dancers

[KATE535]

Just want to put this out there, my other half is going on his brother's stag do in a month and that could mean topless dancers mixed with drinking sessions --- should this be tolerated (it may happen it may not), but ultimately...

Is sexual stimulation by semi-naked women in clubs acceptable for men in committed relationships? (maybe in a one off stag do, or even more regularly) ?
Is it wrong? Direspectful to your lady at home?
Is it even like cheating? Getting sexual arousal and lust from someone other than your lady at home?

Would be very interested to know what everyone thinks about this.
BTW, I am almost 4 months pregnant and getting bigger by the week. I'm not feeling my most attractive as of late and its bugging me to think of those women's bodies appealing to my man.

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26%

 (6) 

1. It's not acceptable to me, but I would not mind too much if my partner went there just the once.

17%

 (4) 

2. It's acceptable in moderation. Occasionally with friends isn't a big issue.

4%

 (1) 

3. It's completely acceptable. It's not like cheating.

52%

 (12) 

4. It's absolutley wrong!!! I would never tolerate it in my realtionship whatsoever.

23 Members voted

[Vance2335]

From a man's point of view...I do not care much for strippers, but it really is all in good fun. Unless the strippers are hookers then you should have no real worries. He is not going out to strip clubs weekly he is going to his brothers party (I assume stag means bachelor party)?
Would you want him not to go to his brothers party?

[KATE535]

Thanks for your view.
I have no problem with him 'going' to his brother's bachelor party. I have not said he cannot go. I hope he has a great time. But I have asked him not to go to stripper clubs (they will be moving around place to place). He's even staying out in the hotel which I don't mind. About 30 guys are going. I trust him, we have honesty between us, but I have an issue with the strip-joints. He said he wont go to those places, but I just wonder with all those men persuading him and the effects of alcohol....
You voted it's completely acceptable I'm guessing - I think men will be more inclined to vote that one.

[Shara21]

Thats a really tough one.

I put myself in your shoes and it's really not obviouse.
I definitly don't want my boyfriend in a strip club. Anything one on one, like a lap dance, I would consider cheating. I don't think a man in a realtionship should get that kind of attention from a half naked woman who's livelyhood is dependent on how hot she is and her ability to stimulate men.

If my bf was invited to a bachelor party that may end up in a strip club... ooof.... It's hard, cause i REALLY wouldnt want him to go... but i also wouldn't want him to be excluded from some parts of the party because (sorry) I'm almost positive a bachelor party with any of my bf's friends would end up in a strip club.

I don't think i would tell him he CANT go... but i think i would make my point clear that if he did go there would be issues afterwards. And there would be, not because i don't trust him but because i think it's a complet lack of respect.

He wouldnt be comfortable with a half naked guy dancing on top of me and shoving his junk an inch away from my face... Why would i be comfortable with strip clubs... because it's more common or more widely accepted? Doesn't work for me.

I don't know, it's not an easy situation.  

I voted that i would not tolerate it.

[jenstam]

My husband had a lay down private dance at a strip club in January for his bachelor party. I was very hurt and upset. I have forgiven and gotten over it but I felt disrespected and just plain "yucky" about it after it happened. It really hurt!! However, I did not tell him he could not go and I would never tell him what to do. He was upset because he says I never told him he couldn't go. I told him I had hoped he would have made a different decision but after all the guys were out drinking they all fed off of each other and the guys, one of which was my brother all thought it was a good idea to go and buy him that particular dance. The thought of him being turned on by another woman disgusts me. Seriously, it is an awful feeling. I felt betrayed in a way. But, I think men need to be given the choice. Some men will, some men won't. There are men who respect women to the max and would never even desire to be in a place like that. In your husbands case, it is his brothers party so he is kind of at their control as to what they all decide to do as a group and I think it would be embarrassing for most men if they were under the control of their wife or girlfriend and could not be involved. It is usually the bachelor who gets the private lap dance and the other guys just watch the strippers if I'm not mistaken. I wouldn't mind if my husband went again for a reason such as this but not just for fun and definitely not getting his own private dance again. Yuck. I'm glad I'm over that hurt feeling for the most part but it was not a good feeling between the two of us for a few weeks after!

[KATE535]

I really value both your inputs, thankyou. It helps to know I am not alone in thinking it is wrong. I too feel like I want to vomit imagining him being turned on by another woman. I think it would damage our relationship after if it happens. I don't know how I would handle it being pregnant too - more emotional etc.
Private dancers, strip club, the whole seedy lot, I'm just against it.

[msniki412]

Yeah I would not feel comfortable with my boyfriend going to a strip club either. We have been going out for over 2 years and we are in a commited relationship. I don't think I would be able to look at him the same if he ever went and especialy if he got a lap dance. Just thinking about that gives me the creeps. I mean those women in those clubs (upscale) are always so pretty and have perfect bodies that I would think my boyfriend weren't attracted to me anymore because he's seen a better body. Even though my boyfriend always tells me that im gourgous, but still I would feel weird if another women put her hands on him let alone her body.

[iam1butterfly]

It's playful voyeurism in an open and shared environment... as long as it's just looking; not touching and doesn't become a habit, I see no harm in it.
I vote: acceptable in moderation... not a big issue.

[Lonelymom]

I agree with iam1butterfly, in moderation it is okay. As long as he doesn't touch the woman it is not cheating and he can come home to you completely aroused and ready to have more fun..lol... :)  but if he decides to do more like touch her in a sexual way then he cheated and that is unacceptable. Drunk or not if you trust him he will make the right choice.

My husband has gone to several strip clubs without me and it was ok until the night he went to one and got a private dance. That didn't bother me what bothered me was that he ended up having all kinds of fourplay with the woman and she begged him to go home with her. He to this day feels like he did nothing wrong because he didn't put his d##ck in her.  

[imanaddict]

I guess it's all a matter of do you trust him to behave?

In my experience (I was a waitress at a strip club several years ago), strippers usually only want the men's money, NOT the man. Strippers (from my experience)  view bachelor parties as big money and yes, it's almost always in good fun.

If your man respects and loves you, he will behave himself no matter what the night entails. Talk to him about this and let him know how you feel beforehand so there isn't any misunderstanding later on.

[KATE535]

That would upset me so much if I found out something like that. Foreplay!! I would say he cheated on you there, that's way too far with another woman. You must be a strong person to get through that and try to be understanding. I would never forgive my man if he did that. Everyone has different boundaries, and I just wouldn't be true to myself if I was to say sexual happenings in all their forms with other women is ok. I'm dead against it. For one I couldn't look him in the eye again, I couldn't be intimate with him without thinking about what he'd done, and he wouldn't be the sweet innocent man I fell in love with.

To All :-
Really appreciate your viewpoints everyone, thanks.
Before I was with my man, he was with another woman in a different relationship, and he told me that he went to a stripper's club without her knowing and watched women stripping down to their thongs. He called his brother a 'lucky b*stard' coz he got chosen for a lap dance. His (now-ex) never found out about that, he kept it hidden, and he only told me about it right in the beginning (because I showed no obvious disapproval of that sort of thing). So he hid that from her, bragged he'd been there to me, thought his brother was 'lucky'. So I guess I've thought well would he do the same to me? I guess it's created a paranoia about the whole idea that he may do something like that without telling me. I thought it was mean to do that when he was in a relationship and disrespectful to his then-partner.
Why are men like that??? Why wouldn't they be honest and say 'i'm thinking of joining the others and going to club, is that ok for you?' - why do they have to lie. I'm not saying he would do it to me but you have to wonder when someone's lied about something in the past.
Urgh, the thought of him being aroused by those women in thongs annoys me. I remember thinking 'pervert' lol.

[vmvnpv]

DH went to a strip club for his bachelor party.  He doesn't make a habit of it and he used to go all the time.  But now that we're married he knows I don't like for him to go and he respects that.  He may go for his friends bachelor party but he knows how to conduct himself like a married man.  Lap dances are OFF LIMITS.  I hate thinking about him getting aroused by other women but he also knows it's better for him to be home and get aroused by me and not a stranger that he can't do anything with.  Plus, he hates to spend his hard earned cash on a girl who will just blow it away.

[vmvnpv]

I just want to add that sexual stimulation from anyone other than your SO IS cheating.  It's one thing to look.  It's an entirely different thing to touch.

[LoosyLucy]

I think you should talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, yes. BUT rather than saying these are things he shouldn't do, I think you should try bringing it up in a way such as what he'd be okay with you doing. I hate the idea of my partner getting aroused by other women but I try not to think about it; however, when I had to talk to my boyfriend about going to Vegas with his friends and whatnot, I asked him what cheating was. He said, "having sex." Which is not acceptable to me--I'd draw the line way before that. However, when I was talking to him, I was asking, "So if I was to do anything with another person up to having sex, you'd be okay with it?" Eventually, we made an agreement that it's not okay with either of us to even flirt with another person, or rather that it would make him uncomfortable. If you two can make a mutual agreement to respect eachother's limits, it might be helpful...If he realizes that you, too, will use (as far as he knows) his boundaries as your own. Basically, ask your boyfriend what you can do at a bachlorette party or with a male stripper. Even if you wouldn't. The fact that your boyfriend is saying that someone's a "lucky b.." and stuff for getting a lap dance is an indication that he likes women to act that way, and he's probably just into the idea of women dancing for him, acting like they're really sexual, but without strings or committment attached. But not all men are like this. Maybe if you go to a strip bar with your partner then you'l feel better about it? I do know of bachelor parties where they hired prostitutes, but that's not very common. But keep yourself as mysterious is what you're going to do as he is--I'd say make sure he knows that both of your standards will be equal, and that you're capable of getting turned on by other men. That is, until you feel comfortable and safe with him that he will NOT hurt you, because ultimately he better make you feel that way.  

[KATE535]

That's a very good idea - to get it across that what is acceptable for him should be acceptable for me - that we have mutual boundaries, and how would he feel with me seeing a hot-bodied male stripper dancing in front of me.
Yes I too thought it was a sign that he must be into that sort of thing to have said 'lucky b~tard' - he has since said he was using the words which the group of friends he was with were using, he didn't necessarily feel he was lucky, just everyone else thought so. I think that's an excuse. He also said about going there, that it was a long time ago and being in a really meaningful relationship with me means he has changed his opinion of those places. It's not acceptable to go to those places anymore he says. He admits that maybe he did like that sort of thing back then, but not in our relationship (bear in mind he always has said how cold his ex was and intimacy happend once every two months) He says he has complete sexual satisfaction with me so interest in other women is not there or needed. I sort of understand how that could be if he was quite unhappy before. He has promised not to go to a strip club as he realises now how much hurt the idea brings me, he says he doesn't want to jeopardise our relationship.
Thanks for your advice, it was good.

[Shara21]

yay you!

Must be a nice weight of your shoulders!

Always funny how things change when they take a short walk in our shoes =o)

[elmo607]

i use to be that way thinking that i didnt want him to go to strip clubs. but we have talked about it and he said that when he decides to ggo to one hhe wants us to go together so i can see what it is like and then on teh way home we will talk about it and if i still dont like him being there than he wont go. i have also told him that if he does go he isnt allowed to come home and have sex with me cuz i dont want to feel like he is thinking of the women he seen. you just have to trust your lover to make the right choice. and if he loves you he will come home to you and only you.

[Mitch82]

I did it maybe 2 times, when I was in a previous relationship (the relationship did not break up due to this), I didn't think it to be cheating or wrong at the time, but I know my ex-partner would have been very upset, so I can't really say that it is right.