Competing with the Ex !

[KATE535]

How do you stop feeling in competition with your partner's ex?

    She is not a part of my life physically or anything but bad memories and knowing too much about her in the beginning has left me with a sour taste. I have felt in competition with her during the whole realtionship. This is not what I am normally like as my ex's ex was never an issue for me etc.  
    Strange? Probably, but not alone? I'm thinking maybe some women are like this, like she has been a rival. She's 8 years older than me and so has a better job than me. She's had more time to climb the ranks. We both work for different Local Authorities. I did better than her at Uni though and am successful myself - I had a First Class Hounours Degree. But I still envy that she is ahead of me at work, being 8 years older. It's like I know I want to be better than her and certainly I feel I have to keep trying to get higher in work. At some point in the past, my partner told me she got such-and-such job within 3 months. He always seemed to talk about how successful she was. That hasn't helped me to feel too good about myself. He wasn't really aware how stupid it was to say things like that to me. It made me feel quite inadequate. I also know they enjoyed quite expensive holidays together. So I often think I shouldn't waste money buying this, or that, so he doesn't have to think he was better off before with her etc. I am always competeing with her. Its to the extent where it affects my mood, like the way I spend money, my work.

Why is this bothering me so much or are many women like this?

[treazzure007]

too much information.  sometimes it's good for couples to share their learning and growing experiences from life, but info about the ex's career moves, vacations, birthday gifts is not relevant.  push all of that from your mind and concentrate on you, the here and now.  you live in no one's shadow but make your own waves.  plus, you obviously must be doing something right, he's with you now :)

[KATE535]

Thanks for the advice. To pick up on a point you just made, yes I have been told he took her to Paris for her birthday some years ago. So it just goes to show I'm probably like this because I've been told too much information. So is this his fault?

[mami1323]

treazzure said it all.  He's with you and not her for a reason.  Plus in 8 years, who knows how much more successful you will be.  Focus on yourself and on your goals.  She's a thing of the past now and she obviously didn't have what he wanted or needed.  Use her success as motivation but not something you need to obssess about.  

[KATE535]

    I know you are so right about her being something I should forget about. It just always seems to get me down feeling not good enough because of what I've heard about her. Lets face it money makes a difference in lots of things that you can and can't do. And when you have to put most of it on bills, there's hardly anything left. I have a good job but have only been working for 18 months. The local authority is one of those employers that uses time and experience in allocating the higher paid jobs. It will take time for me to be comfortable. I have to pay for a mortgage as well as childcare. My partner said to me just yesterday - ''I'm paying for everything lately!''  ... It was a hurtful remark. He knows all I have goes into the home, bills, children. Once again I was reminded of how much better it was before with her.

[mami1323]

Well I don't blame you for feeling that way.  That was a really hurtful comment.  Maybe he lacks tact.  Give it some time, if you've only been there 18 months then you know it will take a few more years to get ahead.  Have some patience, you will do just fine.  Tell him you are trying and doing your best.  He has no kids right?  So he has no idea of how expensive it can get.  He needs to be more understanding.

[KATE535]

He has no kids of his own. And so he was never used to having to spend money on anyone other than himself and his ex, oh and his two cats. Now there's a family - my two childrens, two more tummy's to fill etc. Like you say kids are so expensive, money wont always stretch to luxuries. Luxuries he must have regularly enjoyed before.
   I agree, he has no tact at times. He softens his remarks by saying firstly ''don't take this the wrong way but...'' and then you know he's going to say something hurtful.

[mami1323]

How do you not take it the wrong way?....lol.  Well he will learn that having children makes it difficult to enjoy those luxuries in life.  It's all about them and that's just the sacrifice that has to be made.  If he chose you, then he chose your children to.  That's just how it goes.

[KATE535]

That's a good moto - ''If he chose you, then he chose your children too'' - I'll have to remember that as I often feel I should be eternally grateful to him for taking on my two children. But I forget how he always said he wanted me aswell as my children from the start. He said ''I want you to be MY family !'' I completely agree, when you have kids everything is about them. He has to accept they're a part of me.