Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
1353681 tn?1387083733

Confront Parent?

I was curious if anyone in these forums have experienced not only a disconnect from one (or both) of their parents, but also in addition to this, a suspicion of a parent who lies, and perhaps is cheating on their other parent. My father is an alcoholic, has been for about 30 years. He hides drinking, and won't do it around family- as a youngster I recall many many instances where he'd be stuttering, and a STRONG alcohol scent that made me sick. He is financially not well off, he spends all of his money in gambling, and on alcohol; recently I smelled a stench on him while he was talking to me, that was so putrid, as he fumbled his words, clearly drunk. He has lied to my face about where he is, and he has actually said to me about past abuse from my mother (who has extreme rage and mental issues) , 'Yeah I don't care'. :(  I still talk to him at all, because he is my 'father', but where do you draw the line? He doesn't talk to me about me EVER, he has defended my mother through years of severe emotional abuse, and recently, my mother told me of nail polish she found on her car door (he occasionally uses her car). It was pink nail polish that was smeared where you open the door, on the handle. I Strongly suspect he is with other women, and that he has possibly paid for call girls, or worse, I'm not sure, if he's having an affair... I heard him 2 years ago, speaking on his cell about a woman who 'was nice' and how her husband wasn't home.. I never brought this up to him, or my mother.

I do not know whether to confront him, or my mother. He is going to slowly get cirrhosis of the liver if his drinking doesn't stop, and I'm worried. People have told me to cut him out of my life, and that he is disrespectful, but if you suspect cheating as well, would you bring this up to your father... just let it go? I am at the point of cutting both parents out of my life, b/c of the horrific things they have done and said to me, and it is still toxic to me. He has lied about his whereabouts straight to my face, after I caught him coming out of a bar, when he was (twice) supposed to be at work. It feels toxic talking to him :( I still do because I know it is not his 'fault ' per se, he has dealt with a very sick wife for years, and he had a rough childhood as well, BUT, I cannot stand to be around him especially if he is out w/other women... I don't know what to do /say... any opinions greatly appreciated.
12 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
4067477 tn?1450124336
what everyone here has told you is full of merit. Having gone thru it with my own parents-- my dad is dead almost 2 years now and I haven't spoken more than a single conversation with my mother in 5 years. ----and I feel so much better!!!

I tried to take care of my father at the end- but he was still the same, and as his mind grew worse so did his attitude towards me, at the very end tho- he didn't even know me. So sad. He and I were close when I was a small child....

My mom & I have never been close- I lived with mt dad's parents after my mom & dad divorced when I was two. But I did try for 35 years to make her love me- want me- let me be a part of the family--- but it's never happened. Just usuary.....

Make yourself a stand alone island- be yourself, and let your parents be them selves- no matter how bad they choose to be. It hurts ALOT LESS when you take YOU outta their equation.
Helpful - 0
1353681 tn?1387083733
Hi L... Happy New Year.. :) Ty for writing, I appreciate it. Yeah, he would probably just lie MORE about that, if I brought up my STRONG suspicion with him. It is so frustrating and sad. I guess all one can do is keep a major distance. I hope you are well amiga.. have a wonderful weekend too.
Helpful - 0
1353681 tn?1387083733
Hi T .. thank you, I needed that reminder. I really really did. I hope your New Year has been great :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Stay out of their marital problems and let them handle all that drama between the two of them.  

Definitely need to set boundaries with the two of them pronto if they want to be in your life.

You can always discuss your concerns with your father, but you aren't his keeper or responsible for the consequences of his poor choices.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I don't want to sound like I'm taking Your pain lightly as I am not !!

I simply want to share with You that after many, many years of my own Parental pain I have come to realize that love isn't always DNA.  You didn't pick Your parents (and They didn't pick You either) and sometimes it's okay, not to like Them.  It's really, really okay.  We do not have to love (or even like) someone/anyone who is not nice (or good or kind), and it's okay to distance YourSelf from toxic people even if it's a Parent.
Helpful - 0
1353681 tn?1387083733
Thank you Nurse girl... I truly appreciate your kindness in writing. I thank you for saying I am a SANE one.. many days in my life I've doubted my own self, my wants even, because of the constant negative, degrading, and flip flopped notions both of my parents have told me. It meant so much for you to say that.. *HUG*.  

I would readily tell them about boundaries, but they BOTH don't CARE whatsoever. I could tell them "I'm at the point of not even talking or having contact w/you anymore in my life, because of the toxic behavior that still makes me feel awful' and they'd say, Good, (from my dad) or Ok, that is YOUR choice then, I have nothing to do w/it (from my mother). It is awful. I sometimes wonder why I was born, to have just believed everyday I was worth nothing (and still sometimes believe it ) .. I totally agree that telling him I don't want to witness him when he's intoxicated is a good thing though. Thank you so much for your compassion and heart my friend- thank you for saying it is NOT on me. I have to tell myself it everyday , some days I half believe it, but I'm on my way to fully believing it . *hug*
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
It sounds to me like YOU are the only one in the lot with any sense, sorry to say.  It sounds like the relationships with BOTH of your parents have been toxic to you, and that's a shame.

Getting involved with this mess between your mom and dad will lead to nowhere good.  It's not your problem, despite them making it your problem (which isn't right).

I'd recommend setting some boundaries, by telling your mom and dad you don't want to hear about things that don't concern you...that it puts you in an awkward position and makes you uncomfortable.  I agree with SM...an alcoholic will let you down time and time again.  I understand that you're worried about your Dad, but only HE can make the effort and do the work to get sober and well, and he has to want to do that for HIMSELF.  All you can do is tell him that you will support him in his recovery if and when that day comes...but in the meantime, you don't want to be around to witness him when he's intoxicated, etc

I'm so sorry that the very people YOU should be able to count on and turn to have let you down over and over.  That's NOT on you hon.  Hope you will consider therapy so you can heal some of these emotional wounds.
Helpful - 0
1353681 tn?1387083733
Ty Rock Rose, I am so appreciative of your comment. I think you hit it as well..TRULY distancing myself from both is going to be healthy. They guilt me ALL the time if you even *hint* at your OWN needs of feelings concerning the behavior that has gone on :( If you feel sad or low, my father has said oh get over it, and has laughed in my face, about the abuse my mother displays. I know that ultimately, having them completely out of my life is what I need..and it is Very hard- I am working toward it. Dealing with a father who lies constantly??? it is so sad.  I thank you for your thoughts b/c they helped alleviate the guilt inside, knowing that distancing myself WOULD be very healthy.
Helpful - 0
1353681 tn?1387083733
Thank you Special, I appreciate your thoughts *hugs*. Happy New Year to you friend. :) I agree partly, what would it really do , confronting him?? He's been someone who can give a **** less most of my life, and how would saying anything do anything ? On the other hand I wonder if I act like his 'little' daughter my whole life, just playing 'nice' with him and he gets his way time after TIME , it just feels so toxic..and he never had consequences, Ever. My mom who as I'm sure you know has Many instabilities, rage, BPD, and has been cruel for YEARS, has not had the money to leave him, and really is dependent on him - so she's looked away at his severe issues too. Someone once suggested I go to an AA meeting myself, that they have them for family members who have been very affected by the selfish, mean or toxic ways of certain alcoholics.. I might look into that, but it makes me feel SO so low to even Talk to him... when he is probably cheating, and for years maybe????????  Ty for your shoulder and opinion, truly.The last portion of your post REALLY rung true for me... have a great weekend friend.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm not quite sure what you would tell your mother - she's the one who told you about the nail polish,  so she knows.  She also knows about the alcoholism.  

I don't think confronting either of them would do a particle of good,  but distancing yourself from both of them would be very healthy.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is difficult.  In truth, this is your father and not your boyfriend so what he does with his sex life is kind of his own business, ya know?  

he's an alcoholic which means that he doesn't make good decisions.  He's basically sick and that means you can't count on him,  what would confronting him do?

With his alcoholism, you just can't depend on him. Alcoholics let their loved ones down over and over.  

I would limit your contact with him to be honest.  And you can let him know the reason is that his drinking disturbs you, you suspect he womanizes and cheats and because of his dysfunction, you've had your own anxiety over relationships that has caused you great distress . . .   and you do not appreciate it.  

And I'd either start or continue counseling factoring in the info about your dad.  good luck
Helpful - 0
1353681 tn?1387083733
When I say *was nice*, I am referring to a tone of attractiveness/sexual..
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.