Confused horrible mess

[Uncertain154]

I am in a confused mess.
I have had a relationship for 4 years, then we split up for reasons outside of our control, but we still love each other. We dont want to move on, but need some time apart to help his kids understand our relationship
He is seeing someone else but we remain best friends.
He is cheating on her with me - he has even told her we dont have any contact when we speak every day and go out.
The situation is bad for all of us, but love is making us do stupid things.
I feel that I have to tell her as he is not emotionally being fair to her and clearly it is hurting me.
How can I do this as I dont want either her or him to know that it has come from me? Clearly if he knows I sent it then he would struggle to have a proper relationship with me again.
I know this looks awful in black and white but please help me - I dont want to waste any more time waiting for him as I love him deeply

[Judy246]

Ok, after carefully reading your post, this is what I get out of it:

* This is your ex you are talking about.
* You "love each other", BUT, he is with someone else...that's not love! He moved
   on too quickly, so he loves you, but is not "in" love with you or he would be
   with you.
*  Correction, he is cheating on both of you with each other! What a lucky guy
   has his cake and eating it too...best of both worlds!
*  He is lying to her, so he is a cheater, deceptive. dishonest, opportunity, irresponsible,
   inmature and untrustworthy.
*  Love makes you do stupid things (Red flag), if he loved you, he would have been
   with you and not her.
* You find the need to tell her that he is not being fair? and you still want to be with
   this man that is high risk for infidelity and will not be fair to you?
   Why would you want to hurt this woman? I will tell you why, because you want him
   back. She has "your" man and you will do whatever it takes to break them up and
   get him back! (Red flag). It is not your place to tell her anything. He is with her
   not you! He chose her over you! (I'm sorry to be so blunt, but stay with me here ok).
   Now he wants to enjoy you, but is still in a relationship with her. Where is you
   self respect and dignity here? Why would you want a man who got over you fast and
   is now using you! He is using you both!  Why, because he knows you will take him
   back in a minute and you know what, he will use you and probably tell her the same
   thing and use her too!  What a lucky guy!

You want to tell her, but not be found out, which will make you, sneaky and dishonest.  
If he find's out it was you he wouldn't want to be with you...What does that tell you!!!
HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE EXPOSED for what he is a cheater!!!! Why can't he simply tell her that he no longer want to be in an exclusive relationship, end it and will be in a position to go back to you with open arms.  

I'm going to tell you like it is, you think so little of yourself to tolerate this **** from him, because YOU love him, he he loved you, you both would not be in this situation. This girl is innocent of whatever happened in your relationship and he chose to be with her.  You need to back off and not be either second best or second fiddle to anyone, and right now you are second best. Have dignity, self esteem and respect for yourself and do not permit him to play with you both. Give him an choice, if you want to be with me, you need to tell her that the relationship is not working out immediately, if he does not break it off with her, that means he enjoys the attention of 2 women. Don't be a fool, give him a choice or walk away, but this girl does not deserve to be hurt by you. She will with time discover his dishonest, everything that is in the dark will come to light, but don't attempt to destroy her, because you want a man that is not worth either of you.  Judy
  

[imanaddict]

Is this guy you're seeing married? Is that why you have to explain to his kids your relationship?

[Judy246]

Good question imanaddict, "Is this man married? Are you the other woman to a married man?  Judy

[heatherlynn22]

he's not in love with you. if he was he'd leave her and be with you. he's not going to explain anything to his kids.

judy makes a lot of good points. if he was that in love with you he wouldn't be with this other woman. love does not make you do stupid things. you make you do stupid things. and you're the "other" woman right now. you're enabling this man to be a disgusting pig. do you think it would be a good thing to confuse his kids like that? seeing daddy with one woman and dating another? you need to seriously rethink things let go of the two timing man, realize he's NOT WITH YOU HE'S USING YOU and move on.

[teko]

I think it is viral!  No antibiotic can touch it and we are having a pandemic of illicit relationships!  It makes me nauseated.  What happened to respect, morals, ethics, or if those words are too big? how about doing the right thing! Sign of the times it is. You know what to do but your own selfishness prevents you from doing it.

[Judy246]

This type of situation is either adultery or an ustable woman who does not have the coping skills to deal with a broken relationship....I smell adultery here.

[mami1323]

teko I agree, I don't know what is going on nowadays.  Can't we as women respect the sanctity of another's relationship.  It's obvious the man can't but do you have to help him to commit adultery?  Stand up and be a strong woman.  It's not your place to send her a message that he's cheating, she probably already knows since women have a sixth sense about these things.  You are doing it out of spite because if you really cared about her you wouldn't be involved with him in the first place.  If you want to help her cause you feel oh so awful, back off of him.  He's not in love with you because if he was, he would've left her already.  I don't even want to hear the excuses to why he can't leave her because if he loved you so much and couldn't live without you he would be with you and only you but he's not.  Like you said, you are wasting your time.  Heartbreak goes away after time, you are just continuing to hurt yourself and this innocent woman.  

[Uncertain154]

Hi - no he is not married - he divorced 4 years ago amicably

[Uncertain154]

Hi - she is not innocent - she also knows what is going on.
I do think however, that I would want her to tell me that he was seeing her when him and I date. He has told us both that he loves us both. A mess right

[mami1323]

Yes it is a mess and you have to ask yourself if this is something that you really want to be involved in.  Frankly, the triangle thing is tiring and people are bound to get hurt.  You can control your pain by stepping out of it.  If you think he was seeing her while he was with you than he is obviously playing the both of you and you both are allowing it.  I understand that you feel like if she got involved with him while he was with you than she deserves what she gets but in the end you will only feel sad and unfulfilled because you are trying to win back a man who has no intentions on being faithful to either one of you.  He's not someone you would really want or need in your life.  Everyone deserves to be with a man who is only committed to one person.  I don't know about you but I don't like sharing my man.

[megochick101]

I think you need to back off from him and like Judy said give him a clear choice, either he wants to be with you or he wants to be with her. Those are the only options here.

No more sneaking around behind his gf's back and continuing the relationship. He needs to decide who he wants, and if it's not you then you need to let it go, back off, walk away and stop contact.

But seriously what the heck are you thinking?? Why would you want to be with a man who is in another relationship with someone else and is using both of you girls to cheat on the other?? I say leave him now, and be glad that you got away from an a$$ who doesn't appreciate you and just wants to use two women at the same time!

[Uncertain154]

I guess that you are probably right - I think that I will have to try to go away with him somewhere for a weekend and chat through where we are at. He has been emailing me this weekend and I cant beliveve that it a good place for him, me or her to be in right now. Total confusion from my side nad he says from his.

[megochick101]

I don't think going away for a weekend to confront him is a good idea. I would just meet him for drinks or lunch or something and then tell him. If you're with him all weekend just the two of you with the feelings you have for him that'll just make it harder to confront him on the matter.

You need to go to a casual setting and then just straight out tell him and don't put it off. It'll only hurt either you or her more if this continues.

[KayD12]

Judy's right! If he is with someone else, and is still having fun with you...This means he does not care about either of you. But I'm sure he is really enjoying having both of you but it's not fair! Your better off not telling her anything and telling him to get lost! Obviously he is just a creep. And you need to know that your better then that and your worth more then that!
You may be missing out on something real...TRUE! He a pos!! He is cheating and being unfair to the both of you and having the time of his life. Ew he makes me sick.

[mami1323]

Yeah I agree, going away for the weekend is not going to help the situation.  I also suggest having a conversation in person for a cup of coffee or not even meeting but having a phone conversation may be less of a temptation so you can ask him what he wants, even though I think the decision should come from you given the circumstances.  I don't think he deserves to choose.