Confused over marriage/affair

I've been married for 25 years to my high school sweetheart and married right out of school.  I love him but I'm not in love with him and don't know that I ever have been.  I've always loved him as a person but I've never been sexually attracted to him.  What drew me to him in the beginning is that he was totally crazy over me and that made me feel good.  He's an attractive man but for some reason I'm not attracted.  We've had many problems throughout our marriage with him being unfaithful, unstable work, and issues from his childhood involving abuse and his father fathering children outside of the marriage.  He has refused counseling because he says I'm the one who needs the help and not him.  He's been away working and returned recently and said he realized while he was away that I no longer loved him and wanted to know why I was still there.  I told him I couldn't end the marriage without knowing for certain that I could never love him again because I didn't want to wake up one morning with regret for ending the marriage.  He said he wants between us what he sees in other couples who you can just look at and tell that they're so in love with each other.  I told him those couples haven't been married as long as we have.  I feel he has unrealistic expectations from me when it comes to love.  He finally reluctantly agreed to counseling but still feels I'm the only one who needs it.  I know he will never address his issues.  He's also been impotent for the last 15 years as far as a full erection.  

I started seeing another man who is also married about 6 weeks ago, met 5 months ago, and started chatting about 2 weeks after we met.   He filed for divorce several years ago but returned because his kids were so distraught over it.  I feel like I'm falling hard for this guy but I don't think he feels the same for me.  I think he sees this as something casual because he doesn't call everyday and we only see each other every week or two.  I feel that he's only interested in the sexual aspect of a relationship because he's constantly mentioning how nice a body I have.  He also points out what he considers physical flaws in himself which I don't see and I reassure him that I find him extremely attracted.  He has mentioned he stuttered as a child so he possibly may be insecure from this.  He has said that he feels like he's 15 again and that he's very nervous.  I don't know if he's really interested but possibly afraid because of insecurities or not.  I've told him how I feel about him and he said he does care for me but doesn't want to get started on that conversation.   Maybe it's too soon for him to express how he feels or even know.  I don't know if I'm wasting my time with him or if it's something I should chance.  I never knew an affair would be so complicated and confusing.  However, he isn't the reason for the loss of love for my husband.  That was lost several years ago or I would never have started an affair in the first place.  This is something I'm not familiar with and have never done.  Anyone, please help with some input, advice, your view of the situation.

[kathy1029]

Why would you push for counseling with your husband but start an affair with another man?  You need to make a decision here--either end the affair & put 100% into saving your marriage or end your marriage & be strung along by this person who seems to only want sex.  My personal opinion is end the affair because in the end it'll probably break up two families.  Good Luck

[treazzure007]

you say youre not sexually attracted to your husband and that you dont feel like youre head-over-heels in love w/ him and cant picture you two like that.  for those reasons, i think that you shouldn't bother to make do w/ this marriage and any affair is a no-go.  get yourself together, get into counseling, find out what exactly you are seeking in life, and go from there.  you may find that you need a break from men and romantic relationships for awhile

[wannabefree330]

I think it is hard for someone to comment on a subject about affairs if they have never experienced it themselves.  Both of you saw what eachother needed in the other and do not have in your current relationship.  I have fallen in love with a married man myself and wish it weren't so, but it is.  Teko above says anyone involved in such a relationship is selfish....well that is her point of view.  I did not enter into my relationship with selfish motives and don't think you did either.  You believed that his marriage was over, and feel that yours is too.  I spent 16 years in a marriage with a man i was not in love with.  we both tried to make it work, but it just wasn't there.  I finally filed for divorce and felt being alone and at peace was better than living in turmoil with someone I didn't really want to be with for the rest of my life.  

You need to ask yourself what it is that you DO like in your husband.  And list the things you don't.  Where do you see yourself in 5, 10 years.  Is he the type of person you still want by your side then?  Is he willing to help you achieve your goals and dreams?  And likewise, are you able to provide that for him?  If not, then quit wasting both of your time and energy in something that is headed for an end anyway.  Getting divorced was good for me.  It allowed me to learn about myself and made me a stronger person.  whether your life involves the other man is irrelevant right now.  Decide what to do with the relationship you do have first.  Respect yourself enough to take a stand and grab onto what life can be.  It won't just come to you wrapped in a box with a bow on it.  You need to take it and make it happen.

[carletta500]

I agree with you comment whole heartedly.  I did ask for everyone's opinion but I do feel that those that were so critical have never been in this situation or else they may have possibly been the wife who was cheated on.  I agree, two wrongs don't make a right and my opinion of anyone involved in an affair was shared by those other comments.  However, when you and your husband are intimate and he looks at you and says he loves you but in saying that he uses another woman's name it does something to you.  When you confront him with this, his statement is that I must have some physcological problems because he didn't say that.  When all the evidence was there he was cheating:  found phone number, his comment, him going out of town for the weekend, laying my head on him while he was lying in bed on the phone and when I did that he wouldn't talk on the phone and eventually hung up, etc.  This is only ONE incident I'm mentioning regarding my marriage.  I'm not making excuses for my actions but at the same time I feel a need to stand up for myself since it appears there is so much sympathy for my husband.  I've tried numerous times to make this marriage work and for the sake of my children I can't leave it until I KNOW I'm doing the right thing.  It's hard to pack up and leave when your husband says he will "release me" but at the same time says he will never love another woman as much as he does me and that even if he's with another he will always be thinking of me.  That implants a guilt in my heart and mind making it so hard to walk out.  Yes, this man has complicated things but he also gives me my self-esteem back.  I know that the two of us need the counseling whether we make it as a couple or not because we both have issues that we need to overcome.  I need to see what I want, learn to be independent emotionally, and find who I once was as a person.

[MrsOckert]

HEAR!  HEAR!

WHEN did it become okay for someone to have an affair just because they are missing something in their marriage?   I'll bet you top dollar the reason the man doesn't want to "have this conversation" with carletta is because he's only in it for the sex.  He doesn't want to leave his wife and he certainly doesn't want an emotional attachment to her (carletta).

I just wish people could stop being so blind.

[slow_healer]

Hey carletta, my two cents is this: you're never going to have a magical answer that will make it clear as to what you should do. There are serious pros and very serious cons to both possible choices. Ultimately it will be up to you to decide what's the next best step.

I second dropping the affair. That's a dangerous fire to be playing with, and you could stand to lose it all - your lover if he eventually decides to go back to his wife, and your husband if he decides he can't handle the infidelity. Your husband has swallowed his pride enough to show he will make an effort to go to counselling. Love takes work - it takes a lot of work in all long-term relationships. You've got someone willing to work on it (albeit with much reluctance, though I'd argue that's fairly understandable coming from a man - it's more difficult for men to talk about their problems than women). I'd put my money on that if I were you.

[wannabefree330]

I don't know why you have to be so arrogant and rude to people who are seeking advice on this site.  When I became involved with my man, I encouraged him to make it work with his wife before anything happened between us.  For all I knew, his marriage was over and had been for years.  Just because they still had the piece paper doesn't mean they were committed to eachother.  Now, I know that his marriage may not be over.  That doesn't change the fact I have fallen in love with him.  We are asking for advice  here, not a lecture. Something you may be able to help with is how to break it off now that we are so emotionally attached.  I know being involved with him is wrong morally.  What do I do about it now?  I will not lie and say i don't wish for him to leave his wife for me.  What is so wrong if he chooses to do that?  It is his choice.  People change.  If he has fallen out of love with her, it isn't my fault.  I provide him with things that she cannot.  Is it so wrong for 2 people to find eachother and want to be happy?  I am not trying to argue here, just saying there are two ways of looking at every topic.  I am open minded and willing to take suggestions as long as they aren't derrogatory.

[smartme]

Yes  wannabefree330 is correct. Even I saw and felt that the answers are too rude from few  fellow members.At this age one understands the right and wrong but circumstances sometimes put you to a difficult situation and we feel confused. Thus we seek advice from you..whosoever is in this forum is going thru some or the other problem and in trememdous pain in heart..."READ MR BLUE'S" TO THE PEOPLE. HE HAS GOT THE WAY WITH WORDS..there r two ways of putting up the things..one need not be arrogant..GOD FORBID if one day you are also in the same situation where some unfortunate ppl are today.nobody wants to chose the difficult path..and remember always that.no one has seen future that what God has stored for us..might be possible you will find yrself here seeking advice for one of these similar issues from others down the line few years...thanks.

[smartme]

Yes  wannabefree330 is correct. Even I saw and felt that the answers are too rude from few  fellow members.At this age one understands the right and wrong but circumstances sometimes put you to a difficult situation and we feel confused. Thus we seek advice from you..whosoever is in this forum is going thru some or the other problem and in trememdous pain in heart..."READ MR BLUE'S"ADVICE TO THE PEOPLE. HE HAS GOT THE WAY WITH WORDS..there r two ways of putting up the things..one need not be arrogant..GOD FORBID if one day you are also in the same situation where some unfortunate ppl are today.nobody wants to chose the difficult path..and remember always that.no one has seen future that what God has stored for us..might be possible you will find yrself here seeking advice for one of these similar issues from others down the line few years...thanks.

[smartme]

yes....thanks that you have realised that u become very rude at times. not only you but few others too.Easier said than done!!! Its good to be morality preacher.I TOO USED TO DO THE SAME TILL 6 YEARS BACK-BLV ME..with my friends and ppl who needed my advice.I used to rate the women very disgusting who were involved with married men. Those days I never realised that one day I will lose my life partner and would be miserable and would find myself here...we seek advice because we ourselves know that we r wrong.......we r asking for the help from u guyz how to get out of this mess...we need some solace..some medicinal words to heal up our wounds...you are right but yr words are not right..wish you could do sumthing abt it...You are happy /happily married/contented its Gods blessing but do not rate the people low who are not like you..!!God bless you

[treazzure007]

teko is one of the best advice givers on the forums.  her answers are right on point and straightforward.  the poster may not appreciate it (who's really wanting to hear the truth tossed to them???  all the posters get upset about that) but others searching the forums will read her short, paragraph form, thorough responses and get something out of them.  i love your answers and advice teko!  you keep right on giving it to em'

[mayflowers]

What would you like us to say? That you & your married lover will leave your respective spouses and live happily ever after? Ok. Yes, everything is going to work out beautifully and your love will grow through the years and go down in the history books as being one great love story.  Just like Elizabeth Taylor & Richard Burton.  You & your man will be just like them.

I doesn't matter who you hurt, yourselves or your spouses, because all that matters is that you two are happy.  There, are you happy now?



Actually, what I predict will happen is that you two will end up together because  his ex-wife finds out and kicks him out and he has no place to go.  She will be happier than she has ever been while you're stuck with a loser so enjoy your choice lady.  You got a lot of bad **** coming to you.  What goes around, comes around.   Your husband sounds very unhappy in his marriage so you might as well let him off the hook by divorcing him.  Unless he beats you to the punch and files first.  Which he probably won't because he's such a wimp.

[nyychic]

Woman need to STAND UP TOGETHER and realize that a married man is OFF LIMITS no matter what.  NO MATTER WHAT.  Hello it's one thing to go have an affair whatever your choice but to bring another family into it I think that that is wrong my childhood was ruined by an affair.  If you don't want to be with a person then leave.  walk away don't trample their heart on the way to the door that is so cold hearted to go to counseling with your husband and have a lover on the side.  Counseling he won't deal with his issues are you kidding me your screwing around on him in case y'all missed that one.  Yeah I'm being a real bitc$ about this one because it's how I feel.  I won't say sorry this time it's wrong.  You take a VOW you keep it.  Not only do you have to show that you have integrity but here is the thing I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I was doing that.  It's wrong on so many levels and to lead your husband on like that.  You can't have your cake and eat it to lady.  Hmmmm I don't want to leave him I might regret it so I'll try this new guy out to see if I like him and if it works before I leave the hubby.  Come on it's women like you that give others a bad name.

[jackrabbit12]

First, off this is just my opinion. Of course, I don't know the whole story, just what you posted.  I think you don't need either man. Your husband has cheated on you.  If ya'll haven't had sex in 15 years he is probably still cheating.  This married guy is not going to leave his wife.  He isn't a good person to be with either.  If he cheats on his wife with you, he will cheat on you with someone else. Basically you are just sex to him.  Sorry.  Just use him for sex too (if it's good if not drop him).  If I were you I would hire a detective to follow my husband and find out who he is cheating with.  This will help you have closure.  Then think about what you want.  You will finally be free after 25 years.  You can do anything and he will have to pay you alimony and you'll get the kids (if you have any) because he cheated.  No one knows you cheated yet.  Honestly, after 15 years without any sex you needed some fun.  I think you should have divorced him first and not picked a married man.  Anyway, this is just my opinion and I don't know the whole story. Good luck!

[mami1323]

Why is it considered rude if people say that it's wrong to mess with a married individual?  Would you like it done to you?  What is the difficulty in ending a relationship first before you go out and cheat on the person you are with?  You can control what you do, if you know someone is married then step away.  Have some respect for other women and have some respect for yourself.  To say an affair isn't selfish well then what is it.  You are not thinking about that man's wife or kids, no you are thinking about your own biological, animalistic feelings.  Sex is great, I feel great...but do you really.  When he decides not to leave his wife and kids for you, how do you truly feel?  To the original poster, end your marriage, stop seeing this married man and you will be a whole lot better off.

[netgal1]

I have to agree with wannabe, she makes sense, meanwhile and good luck