Confused

[boogiefly]

Hello, I am confused...again.  Well so as from some of my last posts, I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years.  I am overweight, and my boyfriend likes larger women, even larger than I am.  When I got with him I was medium, athletic build, but now I am about 80 pounds bigger and I am trying to lose the weight.  My issue is that he likes women that are thinner than me and bigger than me, and I am confused on what would make him happiest.  People tell me this, and I know its true, that I am supposed to do what makes me happy.  Even he says he don't care, as long as I am happy.  But what makes me happy is his approval and him getting all turned on by me.  I am afraid if I lose weight, he will like me less.  Also, he looks at porn regularly and he likes girls that are like 400 pounds or girls that are just thick.  This confuses me too.  Its not his fault.  I am to blame.  I know he just uses these girls as something to masterbate too.  We do it together sometimes.  But its not the porn, really.  Its me.  I don't know why I just don't believe what he tells me.  He is an open and honest person and he would tell me if he didn't like me.  He says I am beautiful and sexy.  But I just don't believe him.  Why is this?  I want to make both of us happy.  I want to be thinner, but I also want him to like what he sees more than anything else.  Is this too much to ask?  Am I insane because I want so much for him to find me irresistable?  And he says he does.  I just can't believe him.  Why?

[boogiefly]

Thanks again specialmom.  And imanaddict, thanks also.  I have been working out a lot recently so I hope to continue it. I have joined a gym as of last week and have bee doing zumba for the last year and have recently joined kickboxing.  Thanks for all of your help.

[specialmom]

Hi.  Yes, I remember you writing of his looking at porn just a couple of months ago.  You had written then that he looked at cartoon porn and that made you upset as it wasn't even real people.  I feel like that deep down you do have an issue with his porn watching.  That is just a guess based on the several different posts you've had about it.  

I'm going to give you my absolute heart felt advice here.  I'd think about what YOU want.  If we live our life for another person, we will never feel good about ourselves or happy.  We all want to feel attractive to our partner but someone that is secure, satisfied with who they are, etc. is a more attractive person to our partner.  

So, if you weren't with him----------- would you try to lose weight?  If the answer to that is yes, then start your program to do it.  Because this is what is going to make you feel better inside of yourself and that is going to make you happier than worrying about what is going to make your partner happy.  I doubt if he has been with you for 15 years through many ups and downs that he will be upset that you do something that makes you feel better.  

So think in terms of what YOU would do without him, do it and then I think your relationship will be better for it.  You'll be more secure and self satisfied.  good luck

[imanaddict]

Okay, something that stands out is that it hurts your feelings when he watches porn, but you do it with him?? And having a threesome is NOT a good idea if you have self esteem issues. IF you decide to do it anyway, it would be best to tell him that you will pick out the girl, not him. I still strongly feel that you shouldn't get mixed up in all that because of your low self esteem, and even more so if it's only to make him happy. If you can't handle him watching porn alone, then bringing in another woman isn't going to help things. Now, with that said, the first thing to do is to start building your self confidence back up. It seems as if you have focused so much on him, that you have forgotten about yourself. If this is something that you can't do on your own, you could always talk with a therapist to get to the bottom of those issues. I also recommend joining a gym. You say you want to lose weight, so joining a gym (or just exercising in general) release endorphins into the brain, which in turn, make us happy. It's a 2 for 1! A gym is also a good place to make friends and workout buddies.

Now, you want to know for sure that you are good enough for your boyfriend, right? From what you have said, apparently you are! He tells you that you are beautiful, you have been together for years and years and there is no signs of infidelity. Those are really good things! Try to stay focused on that rather than negative aspects.

[boogiefly]

I meant it would reassure me that I SHOULDN'T believe him

[boogiefly]

Nope.  The closest he has ever gotten to cheating was looking at porn behind my back when we were younger.  He said he didn't need it because I was so beautiful he didn't want to look at it, and if he did look at it, it meant he didn't like me anymore.  So when he told me he was looking at it, it really hurt my feelings and made me feel inadequate.  And then he promised he wouldn't do it again, but a few years later he did.  By the time he told me he had done it, we had already started watching it together; also, he wants badly to have a threesome and I have previously agreed to it, so he always checks out other girls and tells me how he likes them and stuff like that.  Which is ok, but sometimes I feel like I he doesn't really want me.  He says I am so great in his opinion that I am the only girl he'd want to share that fantasy with.  I still don't believe him.  I had a low self-esteem when I met him. He was the first guy I had been with that told me I was beautiful.  When he looked at the porn, he made me feel really ugly, so my self-esteem got way worse.  I have been trying to rebuild it back for years.  I just want to know I am good enough for him.  He says I am, and I want to believe him, but I just don't.  I think I am scared to because when I had believed that, or every time I would, he'd say something about other girls like that he likes how they look or they look lovely and it would hurt my feelings and reassure me that I should believe him.  I am just so confused.

[imanaddict]

It sounds as if you have some insecurities and they are probably stemming from the weight gain. He's been with you for 15 years, you say he's an honest and open guy, so not believing him when he tells you things is only jeopardizing your relationship. Would it be so bad if you just believed in what he says? Has there been any reasons in the past to not trust him (infidelity)?